Before leaving, I would like to see James again. Maybe this may be the last time we see each other.
When I realize this problem, I am not sad at all, nor did I regret falling in love with James at all. The only sad thing I have is that I couldn’t be with him anymore.
In fact, we can’t be masters of many things. We can only passively accept them. The family is my stumbling block and sustenance. I can never give up.
I entrust all my own future to my destiny. In a place where wars are fierce, I hope that I can truly recognize the reality and let God give me an answer.
I tell the driver the address of James’s suburbs, and I am very calm along the way. I don’t think about it. I don’t think if it is the last time to meet him. I just want to see him again. Then my life would be satisfied.
James is very surprised by my appearance. When he opens the door, he couldn’t wait to run out and rush to me.
“How did you come here!” He hugs me surprisingly.
This is our paradise, and I can be unscrupulous with him.
James’s surprised eyes brightened, holding me hard.
The muscles are strong and he is supporting me.
“Let’s go, I’ll take you home!”
The sun sprinkles the entire yard, the flowers bloom wildly as if this is the look of happiness.
I am greedy for this moment and enjoy the last time with him.
“Let’s go!” He hugs me and runs upstairs.
We nestle on a large balcony, from here we can see the entire yard, but also the sky with the sunset.
At this moment, I want to kiss him, kiss his eyes, his eyebrows, then his nose, then his thin lips.
“I want you.” James pants and places me on the balcony.
I slowly take off my clothes and be honest with him.
James’s breathing is unstable immediately, his eyes darkened.
He kisses my whole body tenderly, and I shuddered, shouting his name.
How wonderful is the union of our spirit and flesh? I look out of the window. At this time, the cloud of fire disappears, leaving only a faint gold rim, hanging in mid-air, and the night is coming.
I close my eyes forcefully to prevent my tears from coming out.
James, let’s stop here. If I can come back alive, I must be with you and never be separated from you.
These days, we are just like a couple. We go shopping together in the supermarket, buy the dishes we like, make a rich dinner, and feed each other. After feeding, we have sex.
“How happy we are now.” James and I clasp each other. I look at the shadow on the wall, and we become inseparable.
“Yes,” I say with an absent mind.
“Let’s be like this for a lifetime.” James gets up suddenly, supporting his body in front of me, looking down at me.
He says piously, “Carolina, I want to marry you.”
Suddenly, my heart twitches and hurt.
I kiss the corner of his mouth and say, “Are you proposing a marriage proposal? It’s too informal. They say that you can’t believe what men say in bed.”
“Then If I solemnly propose to you, will you marry me?” James says, eyes like bright stars, “If I give you a grand proposal, will you marry me?”
Yes, you know, James, even if there are no flowers and candles, nothing romantic, as long as it is you, I want to marry you.
However, I do not have this qualification.
I hug him hard and say, “I love you.”
I don’t answer him directly because I don’t want to cheat him and I don’t want him to be sad, but I want to let him know my heart.
“Carolina, marry me!”
He shouts frantically, hugging me excitedly.
I am so happy and so sad, but James, I’m sorry.
The editor-in-chief tells me that they have arranged everything, as long as I am ready to go.
I go to the office and say, “Just tomorrow.”
If the delay is longer, I fear that I will not have the courage to leave James.
I secretly leave James. He goes out mysteriously and says that he would give me surprise me after a while.
I look at him and want to cry in my heart, but I smile and say, “OK. I’ll wait for you.”
I can never wait, I’m sorry James, I lie to you again.
The luggage is well packed, standing in the yard, I stare at the house for a long time.
Here are my fondest memories. I look at them seriously and want to print them in my mind.
Every place here is with my mark, and it will never be wiped out. Just like James, I can’t wipe him out in my heart.
It’s enough.
I take a last look with nostalgia and get in a taxi.
“Go to the airport,” I say these words hard.
I close my eyes, stop looking, and dare not look at everything here.
The car takes me away from my favorite person.
There are people coming and going to the airport, only I am alone, and I wait quietly for the check-in.
The phone rings, and it is from James.
But I don’t dare to answer it. Seeing his name flashing on the screen, my eyes blur instantly.
The phone is dark and bright, and James did not give up until a long time later.
Then there is a piece of information.
“Carolina, what did you do? Why don’t you answer the phone?”
“Have you been at home? Can you come back and see me again? I have something to tell you!”
“I’m waiting for you, I say there is a surprise to tell you today! Carolina, don’t you go back, okay?”
“You see I’m ready for everything. Come back. Will you marry me?”
It’s a photo of roses and balloons all over the beach and yachts parked on the shore.
He says he is going to give me a grand proposal. He did it, but I left.
“Yes! Yes. I’m willing to marry you!” I say in my heart.
I cover my mouth and hug myself to cry.
Check-in, security check, getting into the plane, I do this dizzily. I don’t know what I am going to do.
It is not until the plane takes off that I look away from the photo and shut down.
The plane takes off and the rumbling noises crush all my dreams.
I think I should be very hard along the way, but I actually fall asleep. In my dreams, there is James. He is laughing, he is hugging me and kissing me.
Until the stewardess wakes me up and politely reminds me, “The plane is about to land immediately.” She smiles at me and puts tissue in my hand.
I touch my face, it is full of tears, and I cry all the way in my dream.
In the future, I’m not sure about my life and death.
“Are you Miss Carolina?”
I am picked up by a young man who looks very vicissitudes, holding my name tag, called Andy.
He talks a lot with me along the way. We will transfer from here to the main battle zone. There will be a special person to escort me along the way.
I don’t have a lot of luggage. Besides the camera are some simple clothes changes. I think I’m ready to die.
“However, Miss Carol, it is really unsafe for a girl to come to such a dangerous place. Our reporter is taken hostage by the terrorist organization a few days ago, and now her life and death are uncertain.” Andy says sadly, “I hate war.”
I also hate it. I hate all bloody things, just like those fist treatments I have suffered all year round. I think I am numb, but I am not willing to cover all my dignity under the violence.
I don’t know what to say to this person. Maybe he thinks I’m fooling around, so I rush to the battlefield.
“Do you know? Only here can redeem me.” I smile brightly.
Andy is startled, shaking his head, “Good luck, hope you can go back alive.”
I don’t know what James is doing. Is he looking for me? Or hating me without saying goodbye?
I don’t know how I get to the main battle zone. I change cars one after another. The road is getting harder and harder. The booming whirl of air fighters and the sound of sharp missile launches tell us that we finally reach our destination.
I seem to feel the blast of air flowing over my cheeks, and there is smoke everywhere.
The surrounding buildings are blown up, the dark blood, the torn body, or the fragmented human body that could not be distinguished for a long time after being blown up, make me stumble into place.
“It may have just experienced fighting here,” Andy says, saying to me in a helpless and accustomed tone, “We need to pay attention to our safety all the time.”
At that time, I don’t know the meaning of this sentence, so I just keep nodding.
This is the world of hell.
I turn on the camera and record everything here. My blood seems to be boiling, and I keep putting myself into work.
I am holding my camera, and for the first time, I feel a trace of cold sweat flowing down my forehead.
There are soldiers who specialize in receiving media here and take us to a temporary rest place.
He says, “It’s very unsafe here, and the fight would start again at any time, so be careful.”
He takes out a document and says that he wants us to sign a letter of commitment. I look at the text above and is relieved. This is a warning, a disclaimer, but it is a life and death document. I think I finally have an explainable reason for my death.
Even after I die here, I can still be upright.
It’s just that I don’t expect the danger to come so fast.