Class came. And things were awkward, with Eion still not showing a sign anywhere.
The couples around us were very sweet and I wanted to puke at the sight.
And after that conversation with Luke at their house last New Year’s Eve, Luke has been avoiding me. Whenever our eyes met, he would immediately act as nothing happened.
Whenever we crossed paths, he’d immediately turn around and run away from me as fast as he could.
Well, I think it’s better since I don’t have the right to face him now.
What he said last time really struck me to the core. He has a point. And he’s giving me time to think about it.
Because it’s true. I really am confused now. Everyone’s been telling me I love Eion, but why don’t I feel it?
I don’t know anymore.
Plus, Emma and Hannah had been acting strange lately. During lunch, the squad had been eating at our usual table at the cafeteria, except Luke who had been eating away from us and with his other classmates.
I tried to talk to Emmah and Hannah that time but they just continued on talking with each other. If it wasn’t for Leroy and Dax talking to me, I would have thought that everyone hated me now.
It’s almost like… they had been avoiding me.
I felt out of place. Like I had been rejected. Did I do… something wrong with them? This continued on for about a week now….
And, Luke started to miss classes and escape until he no longer enters his class now. I really feel guilty, hurting him like that. I want to talk to him, but I know that all I could say was sorry to him. I don’t even know what to say to him.
And as the bell rang, I immediately stood up but not before getting blocked by Emma and Hannah.
“What happened to you and Luke?” Emma asked, raising her eyebrows. I felt a bit elated that they are now talking to me, but they’re interrogating me…
“No, the question is, what did you do to my brother? Snow I know we are friends but he’s my brother.” Hannah raised her eyebrows at me, she was smiling, until she stared at me deadpan, “You’re really secretive these days…which makes me wonder… do you even consider me and Hannah as friends?”
Emma gasped at that, and she put her hands on Hannah’s shoulders, “Hannah stop.”
Hannah clenched her teeth, turning to face Emma, “What? It’s true, right? She’s really not telling us anything! It’s almost like she forgot our existence!” She raged. Emma just sighed, nodding her head and looking at me, expecting me to say something.
I blinked at them, making sense of everything. Is this why they have been avoiding me? “Emma? What is happening?” I asked. Please, not now when I’m having trouble with myself.
“We’re just… sad that you don’t tell us anything, Snow. If Dax and Leroy something happened between you and Eion, and why Luke is so lifeless these days ever since that trip.” Emma said calmly, she bit her lip, wanting to stop herself from shedding tears.
Hannah breathed in and out, glaring at me, and Emma just forced herself to face me. “but we’re friends, right? Why do you leave us behind the shadows, Snow? It would have helped if you told us, maybe we could have helped you..”
“No, it’s between me and him, Emma. I have to face this alone.” I replied, now turning to Hannah and reaching out my hand to her. “Hannah, let’s talk it out, please. Make me understand everything-”
She slapped my hand away, cutting my sentence off. “You know what? I’ve been dying to say this for a while now. We want to help you, Snow, but you want to keep it to yourself.” She said, throwing daggers at me with her eyes.
“And that’s your problem. you think you can manage all your problems alone. All that independent bullshit. But now, the truth is, you don’t understand everything…” She trailed off, before adding “I don’t even understand you now.”
With that, all I could do now was to stare at both of them, a tear rolling down my eye. I bit my lip and swallowed the lump forming in my throat, turning dry. I was frozen, and I couldn’t even bring myself to respond to them.
“Are you even listening to us, Snow?” Hannah huffed.
I gulped, “C-Can we talk about this…. next time? I’m afraid I’ll just say something harsh and hurt you.” I asked, pleading with them.
Hannah shook her head, “No, we need to talk about this now. My brother is hurt and my cousin is still at the hospital. And you’re telling me to wait? You’re slowly killing my brother, Snow. He’s really not him these days.”
It felt like a brick was thrown at me, hearing what she just said. I hadn’t expected Hannah to burst like this. She probably had gotten so mad and full of my bullshit that she just overflowed.
I know it’s my fault. And I hate myself for doing this to them. I could have prevented this from happening, but it’s too late now. The damage is done.
“What Hannah wants to tell you is to choose, Snow,” Emma spoke up, caressing Hannah’s hair and supporting her to stand. “You’re only prolonging everyone’s pain. ”
I nodded, “I apologize for making you two feel this way, I’m really sorry. If only I had known this would be the result…I couldn’t blame you two for hating me now. I promise I’ll fix this soon. Just please wait….’ I said in between tears.
Emma nodded, “Please, I hope you can solve it soon. This is not the Snow I know.” And with a final look of dismay, I watch as Emma drags Hannah away before she could even say some more hurtful words to me.
From afar, I watched as Dax and Leroy approached me.
I breathed in and out, wiping away the tears from my eyes before facing them, “I’m sorry if you’re angry at me too, please not today, I’m dealing with so much heartbreak right now.” I said.
Leroy just shook his head, and Dax ruffled my hair, offering a drink to me, “Yes, we don’t hate you. We came here just to comfort you.” He said. “Here’s a chocolate drink. Cheer up, we’re not used to seeing this kind of Snow.
Leroy nodded from beside us, “Yes, the Snow I know is someone strong who hits me and curses at me.
“It will be all okay soon.” Dax said, “And please talk it out, the squad is on the verge of breaking apart.”
“You can just remove me from the squad. I think I’m the problem here.” I said.
Dax leaned on me, “C’mon, we can’t do that, you’re important to us.”
Leroy then flipped his imaginary hair sassily before saying, “Stop this friendship drama, we’re not in the movies.” He said, “But if we are, then all of you are extras, I am the main character.”
I chuckled at that, and they both laughed at me too. “There you finally laughed,” Leroy said, pinching my cheek. “Then we gotta go and comfort our girlfriends. See you, Snow.”
I nodded, “Yes, see you.”
Coming home alone after that, I saw Nathan sitting by the sofa and I just burst into tears, hugging him. He looked at me curiously, tilting his head. “Are you okay, Snowwy?”
I broke the hug and faced him, smiling at him through my tears, “I’m okay. My heart is just broken. I just need your hug.”
“Then hug me all you want! I can heal that heart!” He exclaimed, hugging me.
I chuckled at him, and we stayed like that. Minutes later, I stood up and grabbed myself some water to drink, and I saw mom was still not at home. Sighing, I went upstairs and laid down on my bed.
What now? I just broke Hannah and Emma’s trust in me. I just broke Luke’s heart, making him wait for my decision.
Who should I really choose? Is it possible if I can just be myself for now? I don’t want this anymore. Falling asleep with a broken heart, I heard mom sitting at my bed.
“Hey.” she greeted and I greeted back, sitting upright.
“Nathan told me you were crying, and I came to hug you,” she said, embracing me into her motherly hug. She gently stroked my hair and smiled at me.
“I’m really glad you’re really grown up now. You know what is right and what is wrong, Snow. You don’t know how much your dad and I are proud of you.” she said, comforting me with her words.
I smile at that, “Thanks mom, but I did something wrong and my friends hate me now.”
She sighed, “Well, that’s life. We can never prevent that from happening. Even your Aunt Maggie and I had a bit of misunderstanding sometimes.” She said, “But you know what? That lets us learn from our mistakes and enables us to grow up. And that’s a good thing. It’s not your fault for being a human and making mistakes.”
I nodded at that. She’s right. I am the one responsible for all this mess. And I’m the one who can fix all of this.
Mom then continued, “I stayed quiet all this time. I know what you are feeling, my dear Snow. At the end of the day, it will be you who will help you. But allow yourself to rest for a while, to think things through, and when you know that the time is right, you can go out all healed up again.”
Taking in what she said, I nodded. “Thanks, mom.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart. Now rest first okay? I know you are tired. So cry it all out, it’s okay. Pour everything out until there’s nothing left to cry now. Understood?”
I smiled at her, “Yes mom.”
Deep down, I knew it. It’s because of fear. The fear of hurting Luke. The fear of seeing his pained face like last New Year’s Eve. The fear of cheating.
The fear of Hannah and the squad knowing I turned my back to Luke. I’m scared to choose. I’m scared to take risks. And it’s eating me alive, the guilt. I know I was already hurting Luke, he doesn’t have to say it to me.
Ever since that vacation happened, everything was never the same for him and me. It’s because my heart had already known the answer to who should really be the one.
But I don’t have to choose like one is a choice while the other one is an option…
Just an option. It’s so unfair for them.