Dear The neighbors’ screams increased again. It was early in the morning. The sun had just risen, but I had been awake for hours. Not only because of the fight in the neighbor’s house, but also because of Growl’s ‘agreement to help me.
I got out of bed and peeked out the window at the house across the street. This time the couple had taken the fight outside. They were both facing each other on the front lawn. A small child, perhaps two years old, stood in the doorway , watching as his parents yelled at each other. The man raised his hand and hit the woman so hard that she stumbled and fell to the ground, but that did not stop him. He leaned over and hit her again. The child began to cry, his face contorted in terror. “Growl,” I called. He approached me, looking alert. “What’s wrong?” “The boy is hitting his girlfriend again.”
Growl cast his “so what?” look. “He does it almost every day, and she won’t leave him. It’s not our problem.” Another scream drew my gaze back to the couple. The woman was trying to crawl away from her boyfriend, but he grabbed her by the hair and spun her around, hitting her again. “Help her,” I said firmly. “Please. Or I will.” I turned and headed for the front door, throwing it wide open. I knew it would be almost impossible for me to stop the man because he was tall and big. Growl was behind me.
“You need to learn to mind your own business.” “Why? So I can become as ruthless as you and Falcone? No, thanks!” I hissed as I ran down the sidewalk. Before I could reach the sidewalk, Growl grabbed me by the arm, making me stop short. I turned toward him. Growl’s ‘howl reached us and tore at her heart. No one else was helping, though many faces appeared at the windows, watching what was happening. “This boy has to watch his father beat his mother. You should know what happens to a child when he watches this kind of horror. Do you really want that boy to share the same fate as you?” Growl’s eyes flashed with uncertainty, then his gaze fell on the scene across the street. Resoluteness and anger took over his face. Relief flooded over me. I knew that expression. Growl crossed the street without looking left or right. I followed him . The guy had not noticed us yet and was insulting his girlfriend, alternately kicking and punching her. Growl was a bull as he hit the man with his shoulder. The guy let out a cry and fell to the ground. He looked like he was going to hit whoever attacked him, but then he realized it was Growl and his eyes widened . I crouched beside the woman who was still sitting on the ground, pressing a hand over her mouth. Blood was dripping from her chin. “You’re okay now,” I murmured as I touched her shoulder. Her blurry eyes settled on me. She said nothing. I could smell the alcohol on her breath. Her son ran over to us and hugged her around the neck. “Mom… mom.” She ignored him, eyes only for Growl who was beating and shaking his boy, and saying something we could not hear. “Don’t let him kill my Dave,” she said almost pleadingly. I stared at her. After all, was she worried about her abusive boyfriend? “You should go to a women’s shelter with your son.” The woman shook her head. “Dave is not a bad boy. Don’t let him hurt my Dave.” I stood up. Growl pushed the man toward his car. “Fuck you ,” he growled, in a tone as menacing as his appearance. The man got into his car and drove away. “You really should leave, since he’s away,” I told the woman. But her eyes followed the car with desperation and longing, and I knew she would not leave. I ruffled the boy’s hair, and the gesture brought a smile to his face. The poor child. I helped the woman and the boy into the house, ignoring her constant questions about her boyfriend. Inside the house were empty beer bottles. It smelled of smoke and alcohol, and then I decided that I had to at least save the boy. I lifted him in my arms and carried him outside again. The woman did not stop me. She was fiddling with her cell phone, trying to call her abusive boyfriend. Growl glanced at me but did not comment as I walked out with the boy. We crossed the street and only when we entered Growl’s house did he say, “You can’t keep him” . “I won’t. We have to call social services. We have to do something.”
“You can’t save them all.” “But I can save him, and that’s enough,” I said firmly. The child was looking at Bandit and Coco with curiosity.
Growl looked between me and the child and nodded. “I know someone I can call. They will find a good place for him.” The child reached out and touched one of Growl’s tattoos in fascination. Growl’s expression softened a little, and then he headed toward the phone as if he was frightened by his own reaction. After all, there was hope for him. An hour later two women came to pick up the baby.
That evening I heard his parents yelling at each other again, but they did not come to ask about him. When I lay down next to Growl after sex that night, I whispered . “You did the right thing today.” He had. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he could make up for his sins by doing good. Growl turned to me. “Maybe. But that woman is still with that asshole. Some people know nothing but misery. It’s something reliable. Change scares them more than their shitty life.” I traced the inked thorns on his forearm. “Like you.” Growl squinted his eyes. “I’m changing my life for you by going against Falcone.” “I know, and I’m grateful. But you’re doing it for me. It’s like I still don’t think I deserve anything good.” I said. “You live in this place even though you don’t have to . I can’t imagine Falcone paying you so badly. You’re like that woman in that sense.” She sat down. “This house is not like being beaten by someone.” He hesitated. “Is it that bad for you?” I sighed. “This place makes me miserable.” “You mean I make you miserable.” “No,” I said, and I wasn’t sure if that was the truth or if it was still part of his plan to get him to trust me. “This place. People are hopeless and ignorant, and there is no beauty in this place, only desolation.” Growl looked around the room.
“Beauty is fleeting.” “And desolation and despair are not?” I sat down, too, and rested my chin on his shoulder, inhaling his musky scent. I didn’t want him to leave, but I could tell he was already becoming restless. “He’s familiar. It’s reliable,” Growl murmured. “I’ve always liked him.” And I had made a mess for him, I suppose. A creature of habit, indeed.
And yet, he was giving up for me. There was silence for a while, then he slowly withdrew, and I had no choice but to let him go. He perched on the edge of the bed, but then got up, “Sleep well.” “I would sleep better if you stayed,” I said. Growl hesitated, but then left again.
Every time I thought we were getting somewhere, an action like this reminded me that we couldn’t. Maybe at some point even my heart would understand it. We drove toward the Las Vegas Strip with its skyscrapers. Everything was bright and people were having fun. This was very different from where Growl lived. We stopped in front of tall, shiny skyscrapers with deliverymen in front of sliding doors. Growl got out before the man could open the door, so he helped me out of the car . It was strange to be surrounded by that luxury again. I almost felt as if I didn’t belong there, as if the past two weeks had already changed me so much that I could no longer adapt to the world I had been a part of all my life. It was a scary thought. Growl led me inside the building with a hand on my back. It was a possessive gesture and at the same time I thought he was trying to show me something else. Or maybe it was me trying to see things that Growl was not capable of? The receptionist gave us an overly bright smile as we headed for the elevators. We exited at the top of the skyscraper and entered a huge penthouse. Everything was white , glass and gold. “What is this?” I asked. It was furnished with black and gray designer furniture. Everything was elegant and perfect. “My apartment,” Growl said simply. I froze as I made my way to the floor-to-ceiling windows.
“Is this yours?” This apartment looked completely unused. And in the six weeks I had been with him, he had never mentioned it to me. I was startled. Had it really been six weeks? God. And at the same time, six weeks seemed too short a time frame for everything that had happened. Six weeks. Without my sister. She was fine, Growl assured me. And my mother, I hadn’t seen her in so long. “I got her a few years ago,” Growl said, tearing me from my thoughts. He took a Coke from the refrigerator and drank it. “Falcone gave it to me as payment for a job well done, but I don’t use it.” He handed me another Coke, but I used it only to let the cold help me concentrate. “If you have this,” I gestured around me. “Then why do you live in that awful house? This place doesn’t look like you’ve ever set foot in it. There’s nothing here that belongs to you.” Growl gave me a strange look. “Because it’s not me . The furniture was there when I got it and I never changed anything,” he said with his usual low grumble.
“This is too much .” His eyes scanned the room. “Too noble for someone like me. It’s simply not me.” I paused at the window and let my gaze wander over the Las Vegas Strip stretching below us. In the distance I could see the endless red desert. I preferred living in a house; I had always loved my old house and garden, but anything was better than the shack Growl called home. “For someone like you?” I repeated his words. Growl slowly approached me and followed my gaze. “And Coco and Bandit wouldn’t feel comfortable so high up. They would miss their garden. There’s nowhere around here where I could walk them.”
I cast him a glance but he avoided my gaze. There was something strangely vulnerable and out of place about Growl. Why did he feel so uncomfortable in a luxurious apartment? “It’s not like the area we live in is an ideal place for dog walking.” Growl turned a strange smile on me. “Bandit and Coco are used to places like that. They know how to handle drunks and junkies, prostitutes and homeless people. People around here with their fake smiles is something they can’t handle. People like that sent them into dog fights.” “You know, there are places where normal, decent people live. You compare one extreme with the other.” “Normal,” Growl said softly, testing the word. “I’ve never had normalcy.” He turned back to me. “Can you imagine me between normal and decent people?” I said nothing.
Growl with his scary tattoos and scarred throat always drew attention to himself, and that was just his scary appearance.
He must have read my thoughts on my face. He nodded . “Normal people wouldn’t want me in their neighborhood, they would be afraid of me. And the people around here, they wouldn’t want me either because they fear me too.” “Everyone fears you,” I said in a practical tone. “Even the criminals and drug addicts in your area. If you want to live where no one fears you, you’ll have to move to the wilderness.” It was meant as a joke, to lighten the mood, but Growl nodded thoughtfully. “Animals don’t fear me, only humans do. I’m a man-made monster, maybe that’s why.” He observed his surroundings again. “Monsters are not made for a building like this.” He thought he did not deserve to live in a nice place. Maybe along the way he had begun to believe what everyone said, that he was beneath everyone else, that he was worthless. For some reason I felt sorry for him, even though he did not deserve my sympathy. “You belong here,” Growl said softly. “A princess in her tower.” My lips parted in surprise. It was not the first time he had said something like that, but he always caught me by surprise . “Then why are we here?” I asked him. “You hate the house,” he said simply. “And?” “We can live here for a while. It will make you feel better until I find out the best day for our plan.” I remained silent, stunned. Growl was really thinking about moving to this place because he wanted to see me happy. “Are you sure?” I wanted nothing more than to live here, in this bright place, far from misery. He nodded, but I sensed a hint of uncertainty. “What about Bandit and Coco? You said it yourself, they need a yard. Will they get used to it?” Growl shook a strand of hair off my shoulder. “I’m away on business most of the time. I can take them with me. They are often in nature where they can run around. And I’m not selling the house, so we can go back if we don’t want to stay here.” I doubted I would ever want to go back to Growl’s house. It wasn’t even because it was small and in a bad neighborhood. The place was filled with too much desolation; it looked burned on the walls and floors. There was no escaping it. “I would love to live here,” I finally admitted. And I really wanted to. “We might not live here for a long time. After we’re done with Falcone, we’ll have to leave Las Vegas.” I knew that, and after everything that had happened to me there, I was not sad to leave my hometown. I wanted a fresh start. With Growl? A high-pitched voice asked in my head. And part of me wanted to say yes. “I know, but even a few weeks or just days is fine. I love seeing the horizon,” I said. I looked up at him. There was a sweet look in his expression, and I couldn’t help it. I had never wanted him more than at that moment. I wasn’t sure if this was still part of the plan, if my actions toward Growl were still just to get him on my side, to achieve my goal of revenge and safety for my family. I stood up on tiptoe, grabbed him by the neck and pulled him down to me for a deep kiss. He responded immediately. I pushed myself against him and he grabbed my butt with one hand, squeezing. I began to pull his clothes off, and soon we were both naked, our hands roaming over every inch of exposed skin. My body was on fire with need. Growl lifted me up and pressed my back against the window. I let out a surprised laugh. “Here?” I asked. He pushed me in with his length. “It’s a nice view,” Growl said dryly. I kissed him hard and he pushed into me at the same time, making me gasp in his mouth. My back rubbed against the window as Growl pounded into me. And then we both came at the same time.
Growl fell to his knees with me still wrapped around him. We both gasped. His eyes searched the strip and the nearby skyscrapers. “Is this a reflective coating?” Growl shook his head. “I don’t think so.” I leaned against the glass. “So could someone have been watching us?””Do you care? “No,” I said. And it was true. A few weeks earlier, this would have been impossible, but so much had happened since then that the idea of someone seeing me having sex was not something that could have ruined my day. Far from it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX Dear “Why do you always leave after we sleep together ?” I tried to sound merely curious, but a hint of vulnerability slipped through my lips. “I can’t sleep with someone else in bed,” she said. ” I never thought I could share a house…” He looked around at our new surroundings. “… or an apartment with anyone.” “Why?” I doubted he was worried I would kill him. “I just can’t do it. I’d rather be alone, I’d rather be alone.” “Not anymore?” I asked hopefully.
“I don’t sleep very well. And if someone slept with me, it would be worse,” Growl said instead of answering my question.
“Maybe you just need to get used to it. Maybe it takes time. You’ve been alone for a long time.” “Forever,” he murmured. “I’ve been alone forever. Even when my mother was still alive, she worked a lot, especially at night,” was his simple reply. “And after she was killed and I loved Bud, I was glad to be alone. Being alone meant no pain. It was a good thing.” My heart clenched for him. So much horror in his past. I didn’t know if I, if anything could ever compete with that, ever win against the shadows of his past.
“Humans are not meant to be alone. We need someone. It’s in our nature. We need to be touched. We need to talk to someone. To have someone to trust. Otherwise we become…” “Like me,” Growl croaked. “I’m better off alone. I’m meant to be alone.” I stared at his tattoos, at the ridges of his scars, at his hard eyes. “Maybe you’re right.” Although I didn’t want to accept it, Growl could be one of those people who couldn’t stay with others for long. I didn’t try to stop him this time when he pushed upward. My eyes followed the line of muscles from his broad shoulders to his firm butt. My cheeks no longer grew hot, but the fire in my stomach flared up again at that sight. I had never felt anything like this before. I had had crushes, I had felt butterflies, but this was something else , something stronger and darker. I longed for him, maybe even-I loved him. I couldn’t be sure of that. Not now, not when my life was in turmoil and the choices were not mine. Could love be born out of captivity? Was it not something that could only thrive in freedom?
Growl turned no more as he headed for the door and left. The fire in my belly went out as if someone had put it out with water. I pulled the blankets up to my chin. I had never known that loneliness brought with it a feeling like icy dew coating my skin. Cold. I felt cold. I still felt sore between my legs from Growl, but the rest of me was nothing. This pain between my legs was all that Growl reminded me of.
Soon, if-when our plan was successful and we were all safe, what would happen to me? To Growl and me? He was struggling with emotions. Most of the time I wasn’t even sure he could understand them. Maybe they were to him what letters were to people with dyslexia. But couldn’t those people learn to live with their limitations and learn to read and write in spite of it? So why couldn’t Growl learn emotions? He had already come a long way since we had first met. Perhaps emotions were as foreign to him as passion had been to me, but it didn’t always have to be that way.
Growl had taught me about passion, had given me no choice but to surrender to it. Was I foolish to hope that I could teach him emotions the way he had taught me desire and passion?
Maybe you already have, whispered a meek voice in my head. Maybe. And maybe it wasn’t enough.
My eyes were drawn to the Las Vegas skyline. He had moved to this place for me. For some reason he had turned his life upside down for me. The next few weeks would reveal that. If our revenge plan had gone wrong, nothing would matter anymore. Least of all my emotions. Soon everything would be decided.
Growl “Falcone won’t tell me where your sister is and I think he is beginning to suspect my interest. And the negotiations with New York don’t seem to be going very well, which might mean that Falcone won’t need your mother’s help for a long time. “We can’t wait long,” Growl said a few days later, as he returned to the apartment after doing everything Falcone had asked him to do. Coco and Bandit greeted him, wagging their tails wildly.
If Falcone no longer needed his mother’s help, he probably would have gotten rid of them. “But what can we do if we don’t even know where my sister is? We cannot retaliate until she is safe.”
“I will get the information from Falcone, don’t worry.
We will kidnap him and make him talk. Once I know where your sister is, I will kill Falcone and come to New York with your sister.”
“What about me and my mother?”
“You will leave right after I have Falcone in my hands.
I don’t want you in town when I deal with Falcone. We’ll all meet in New York.”
I shook my head. “I won’t leave without my sister.
What if something goes wrong and we can’t get her out? I want to be there to make sure everything goes well.”
“You can’t help me. You’ll just be a burden because I’ll have to keep an eye on you, too, and I won’t be able to fight as freely as I usually would.”
“Do you think there will be fighting?”
Growl laughed without humor. “Falcone is never without bodyguards and I suppose your sister will also be watched . I will have to kill anyone who gets in my way. We can’t allow anyone to survive. They might reveal something.
We can’t risk it.”
“So we will go to Falcone’s house and kidnap him?”
“He usually meets with me once a week to give me new assignments. That’s the best day to attack. He will wait for me, so he will not become suspicious. I will take him to a safe place, get the information we need and kill him. Then I will get your sister.”
“I told you I will not drive ahead. I will stay until we are all safe and Falcone is dead.”
Growl said nothing. Perhaps he hoped he could convince me.
“And I need to talk to my mother. She needs to know what we have planned.”
Growl shook his head. “No. She might reveal something by mistake. She doesn’t need to know.” He paused.
“Darling, I really want you to get on with your mother.
You shouldn’t stay in Las Vegas a minute longer than necessary.
“No!” I exclaimed. “I want to be there. I want revenge more than you do. Shouldn’t I be there when it happens?”
Growl touched my cheek. “Are you sure you want that ? It will change you, believe me. Having blood on your hands changes everything.”
“My life changed when Falcone killed my father, seeing Falcone die for his sin will only make it better.”
Growl nodded, “Okay. But when things get dangerous, you will have to listen to my orders. If I tell you to run, you will run and you will not hesitate or argue. Understood?”
“Understood.” I approached him and put my hand on his chest. “I can’t believe you’re really doing this.”
“I promised you. I’ll do it for you, and maybe then you can forgive me.”
“Forgive you,” I whispered. But he silenced me with a kiss and led me into the bedroom.
Growl’s eyes were closed. He wasn’t asleep, though.
Not that I knew what he looked like when he was really asleep, since he never let me near him when he was so vulnerable. But whenever he was so asleep, he would send me away or leave if he was in my bedroom. I moved to the edge of the bed and untangled myself from the covers. I had stayed there for too long. My eyes were getting heavy. I didn’t want to be woken up and sent away from Growl later. It was easier that way, when leaving seemed to be his choice and not the result of his inability or unwillingness to share the bed with me, to give me more closeness than was absolutely necessary. It was ridiculous how this small semblance of choice made me feel better.
Her feet touched the cold floor and a familiar shiver ran down her spine. This time I did not allow her to perch on the edge of the bed. I stood up. I had not even moved a step away when a strong palm wrapped around her wrist.
“Stay,” was the harsh command.
I froze, my gaze cast toward Growl. He was still lying on the bed, his eyes still closed. Nothing in his demeanor had changed, and if not for his hand holding me tightly, I would have convinced myself that I had imagined that word.
I did not dwell on the fact that he had changed his mind. I slipped back under the covers and only when I lay down beside him did Growl let go of my wrist. “Why?” I asked softly. He stayed on his back, not reaching for me, and I didn’t try to snuggle against him. That would have been too much. This, inviting me to stay for the night, was already a huge step, I knew. “Don’t ask,” he grumbled.
Growl turned off the lights and darkness fell over us. I hardly dared breathe, let alone move, acutely aware that Growl was probably listening to his every sound. Was I intruding? Was he already regretting that word?
I pushed the thoughts away. And then, when I least expected it, Growl placed a hand on my back. A light but sufficient touch. Another step in the right direction. The sound of his unchanging breath in the background and the feel of his palm lightly touching my back, I slowly pulled away .