Dear That night I was awakened twice by nightmares. Not mine though. Growl was writhing and panting in his sleep.
I had not dared to wake him. I had a feeling he wouldn’t like me being aware of his problems.
It was strange to see him distressed, his face contorted with agony. I had never thought that anything could upset him so much. Perhaps he was even more human than I thought.
He was not in bed when I woke up, but I found him in the kitchen leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee as usual. Even now that we had a kitchen table in the attic , he still preferred to stand.
Coco and Bandit were sitting by his side, staring at him with adoring eyes.
“Good morning,” I said.
Growl filled a cup and handed it to me. I smiled and touched his forearm briefly to thank him. He did not move and his gaze made me stop. I drank my coffee and gave him the time he needed to say what he wanted.
“I have a request,” Growl said softly.
“Okay.” What could I do for him?
He peered at Coco and Bandit. “Will you take care of my dogs in case something happens to me?”
I frowned. “Nothing will happen to you. We’ll all go to New York together.”
“You should look forward to the prospect of my death,” he croaked. “I’m sure you’ve wished for it often.
I should hope for it, and at first I did. I had even tried to kill him myself, after all. Soon we would have risked our lives. Maybe this would be the last time we would be together. It was strange to think about it. Even stranger that I was sad about it. I scanned his face. I was no longer afraid of him and no longer wished for him to die.
I reached out my hand very slowly and traced the scar around his neck. The growling stopped, but he did not stop me. Surprise overwhelmed me. It seemed like a miracle that he had let me do it.
And deep down I was suddenly afraid. Afraid of my emotions and what the future held.
“You are not going to die. You are the strongest person I know,” I whispered . I moved very close to him and met his eyes.
“I will not die.” His amber eyes sucked me in.
There are so many horrors behind them, yet I didn’t hate him, not anymore.
How could I allow this to happen?
“What is happening to us?” I asked softly.
Growl frowned.
“What am I to you?”
“You are mine,” he said simply. His.
His possession? His gift? Just that, or more?
It didn’t matter. Once in New York, there would be no future for us. I wasn’t going to stay with Growl. I couldn’t, I couldn’t do that to my mother and sister. They wouldn’t understand, and how could they, if I didn’t know how it happened.
GROWL “I’ll take care of your dogs if that’s what you want,” Cara said.
Growl wanted many things, things she had never wanted before. Most of all he wanted to tell her that he didn’t want to lose her. And that for the first time in his life he was afraid of dying because he wanted to spend more time with her, and at the same time he was afraid of not dying and seeing her leave him the moment they were in New York.
“Coco and Bandit love you,” he told her.
She searched his eyes, but he was not sure what she was looking for. Even now he barely understood the workings of her brain. She was a mystery to him, probably always would be, but it didn’t matter. Somehow, she had done what no one else had ever done. She had bound him to her, and he would always be loyal to her.
He had also been loyal to Falcone. And he would die for him, because Growl had never cared whether he lived or died. But now, now he wanted to live, and yet he would gladly give his life for Cara so that she could be happy.
“And I love them,” Cara said softly.
The word “love” from Cara’s lips did something to Growl that he could not understand.
Cara The next morning Growl woke me up before dawn.
He had been gone all night, and I had been sick with worry because he had not warned me that he would be gone so long.
“We have to act today,” Growl said.
I rubbed my eyes. “What-” he paused, realizing what he meant. He sat down. “Why? Has something happened?”
“Falcone is tired of negotiating with New York. I doubt he will need your mother much longer.”
I got out of bed. “Are we ready?”
We could not fail.
“Quite ready,” Growl huffed. “We have to take a chance.
We can’t wait. I found someone to help us. I can’t take care of everything by myself.”
“Can we trust him?”
Growl shook his head. “I don’t trust anyone. But he is on Falcone’s blacklist and I offered him a chance to escape.
It also helps that Falcone killed his brothers and is seeking revenge like us. “I had thought about killing him.”
“Okay,” I said uncertainly.
“And I’ve known him since we were children. His mother was one of Bud’s prostitutes. He and I occasionally spent time together in the brothel.”
“Were you friends?”
“No. I had no friends. He was afraid of me even then, but we often hid together from Bud, so we were allies.”
“Okay, if you think he won’t betray us, I believe you.”
Growl reached out his hand as if to touch my cheek, but he dropped his arm. Disappointment pervaded me, but I had no time to think about it. “You need to get dressed. Get some things for the trip to New York. I want to leave in 15 minutes.”
I put on comfortable clothes and stuffed a toothbrush and a change of clothes into a backpack before rushing out of my room. Growl was waiting at the door. Bandit and Coco were nowhere to be seen. “I already put them in the car,” he said, as if he read the question in my eyes.
I nodded, taking a shaky breath. I wanted to say something but my mouth was too dry. Instead I stood up on tiptoe and gave Growl a lingering kiss. His eyes softened but mostly looked wistful.
“Let’s go,” he murmured, opened the door and got out.
As we pulled out of the driveway, a strange sense of melancholy overcame me. Not because I would miss this hopeless area, but because I would miss whatever strange connection Growl and I had developed. I wasn’t sure what the future would bring me, but I knew Growl and I couldn’t be together. It wasn’t going to work. It was wrong. I risked a glance at the man next to me. Almost two months earlier, we had been in the car together, too, and then my life seemed over. I hated him, feared him, wanted him dead. He had been nothing but a monster in my eyes. His creepy tattoos no longer repulsed me, nor did his scar, which I now knew was just one of many. I understood him better now. He was not a monster. He was monstrous in parts, he had no choice but to transform himself that way to survive the horrors of his past. But there was also a human side to him. It had emerged more and more in our time together. Perhaps he would eventually win out over his monstrous side, but I knew I could not follow his path to humanity with him. I had to think of my mother and sister. The hope of reuniting with both of them gave me strength. I did not want to think that I could lose everything today. “I didn’t tell anyone that we were going to your mother today. At first, I thought about pretending that I wanted to visit her , but after Falcone’s words yesterday, that would only arouse suspicion. Maybe he would have been worried that you might warn your mother about his plans to stop the negotiations.”
“You’re probably right,” I said. “Where are we going to meet the guy who is helping us?” “Mino will be at a meeting point in a deserted factory.” “So he won’t help you fight Falcone’s bodyguards?” What was his purpose then? “I prefer to fight alone.” It suddenly struck me that Mino was only meant to be a ‘driver, but it only made sense if Growl didn’t expect to be able to drive himself. I didn’t have time to think about it because we parked in front of my old house. Growl did not hesitate. Everything had to go very fast. He practically jumped out of the car and ran toward home. He rang the doorbell and a man I did not know opened the door after a moment. Growl grabbed his head and twisted violently as I had seen him do months before. The man fell to the floor and then Growl disappeared inside the house. My hand reached for the door. It was hard to stay in the car and wait. What if something had gone wrong and I had not been there to help? But what could I do? If one of Mom’s guards had managed to overpower Grown, that person would have had no problem with me. The seconds were ticking away and my palms were getting sweaty. Then, finally, Growl stormed out of the house, dragging Mom behind him. I breathed a sigh of relief. Mom was struggling against him, obviously convinced that he wanted to hurt her. I opened the door and that’s when she saw me. Confusion crossed her face, but she stopped struggling against Growl, not that she had gotten anywhere with her struggle anyway. I knew the power behind her grip.
Growl opened the back door and pushed Mom inside, then closed it again. He sat behind the wheel a few seconds later and we drove off again.
Mom got up to sit from where she was lying in the back seat, then noticed Coke and Bandit behind her in the trunk. She gasped and pulled back. “They’re harmless,” I assured her. She gave me a quizzical look. Her eyes darted between Growl and me, evidently uncertain whether to speak in front of him. “Everything will be fine,” I tried to calm her. “Growl is helping us escape from Las Vegas.” Mom’s eyes grew wide. “But T alia?” “First we’ll get her and then we’ll go to New York.” Mom shook her head. “I couldn’t. Luca wants nothing to do with the Camorra.” “You’re not part of the Camorra,” Growl interrupted. “You’re family. He will take you in.” I stared at him.
“But you do. Doesn’t Luca know?” “He knows. I have done far too much in Falcone’s name.” I didn’t understand. Would Luca have welcomed him anyway? Or maybe Growl had no intention of joining us in New York, and that was why Mino should have accompanied us. I noticed Mom’s scrutinizing gaze and looked away from Growl. She could not discover my feelings. “What about Falcone?” asked Mom. “There’s no time to explain,” Growl said impatiently. His body was tense with tension. He stopped the car behind a pickup truck parked on the side of the road. “This is Mino’s car. I want you to get in there and I will take care of Falcone.” I glowered at him.
“I thought he would be waiting for us at a factory after we were done with Falcone.” “I don’t want you around when I’m dealing with him. You’d just be in the way, and there’s not enough room for Falcone if you and your mother are there.” A burly man got out of the pickup and waited. “I won’t leave,” I said firmly. Growl tightened his lips. He was getting angry, but I didn’t care. I wanted to be a part of this. “All right,” he muttered . “But your mother will.” He got out and opened the back door wide. Mother gave me a frightened look. “What are you doing, Cara? This is madness.” She went no further. Growl pulled her to the pickup and put her in the back seat, then got back behind the wheel and we drove off. I peeked over my shoulder toward the pickup truck, which pulled away from the side of the road and drove off in the opposite direction. “Your mother is safe. Mino needs our help. He and his family can only hope to be safe if New York grants them protection, and the only way that will happen is if your mother puts in a good word for him. She has no choice but to make our plan work.” That information calmed me down. If there was one thing that could be trusted , it was that people wanted to save their own skins and protect their families. The gate of Falcone’s mansion appeared in the distance. “There is a blanket at the back.
Crouch down in the leg space and cover yourself with it. I don’t want them to see you.” I grabbed the blanket and did as he asked, trying to be as still as possible. A few minutes later, the car stopped and I heard the window roll down, then a male voice. “Good morning. Mr. Falcone is waiting for you.” After a brief moment of panic, I remembered that Growl had said he would have to meet Falcone to discuss another job. At least, that way no one would begin to suspect. I heard the muffled gunshot and a body hitting the asphalt. My heart hammered in my ears as the car started up again. Chapter twenty-four Dear “Stay here. It will probably take me a little longer to knock out Falcone’s guards,” Growl said as he removed my blanket . He handed me a gun. “Do you know how to use it?” I opened my eyes wide and shook my head. He quickly explained the basics, then got off and I wished he had given me a kiss in case he didn’t come back. Don’t even think about it, I scolded myself. If Growl had died, we’d all be dead. Growl opened the trunk and the dogs jumped out. I stayed crouched in the leg space but peeked out the window. Coco and Bandit followed Growl as he headed for the door. Someone opened it and Growl stuck a knife in the soft spot under his chin, then Growl disappeared from my sight. It took ten endless minutes before Growl finally appeared in the doorway. Blood was dripping down his forehead and his shirt was torn. My heart skipped a beat at the sight until Growl came out, holding Falcone by the collar. One pant leg was torn as if Coco or Bandit had bitten Falcone there. I smiled to myself despite the tension. The trunk was still open, so Coco and Bandit jumped in without anyone telling me. Coco’s jaws were covered in blood. Bandit’s fur was too dark to tell what kind of liquid was soaking her, but I had an inkling that it was also blood. They were fighting dogs, after all. Growl pushed Falcone into the back seat. The man’s hands were bound with duct tape, and so was his mouth. He gave me a glare of lightning when he saw me in the back seat. Growl climbed into his seat and started the car. We had to get out of the house as fast as we could.
No one tried to stop us as we left the premises. “Are you all right?” I asked, examining the cut on Growl’s head. It didn’t look very deep, but blood was running down his face and into his left eye. He wiped it away impatiently. “I killed them all before they could sound the alarm.” Falcone made a choked sound. He sounded pissed off, but there was also a hint of fear that gave me sick satisfaction. I smiled darkly at him before turning back to Growl. “What about his wife and children?” “His children are in boarding school in England and his wife is in Aspen.” Good. At least, that blood was not to be spilled. I didn’t like Falcone’s wife very much, but she had probably suffered enough in her marriage. She did not deserve death. Falcone tried to say something again. Growl parked on the side of the road and turned in his seat. She lifted his shirt sleeve and pressed the knife into the skin a few inches below the crook of his elbow. “What are you doing?” I asked. “He implanted a GPS tracker in his body so we could find him if he was ever kidnapped,” Growl said. Falcone gasped in pain as Growl pulled the small device from his flesh with the sharp point of his knife. The blood-covered tracker fell onto the back seat. Growl opened the window and threw the tracking device out. Then he pulled the tape from Falcone’s mouth and continued our journey. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to let him talk?” I asked. Falcone gasped in the back seat, the skin around his mouth red, and gave us menacing looks. “What did that bitch do to wrap her fingers around you? I would have thought you were immune to manipulation.” “You’ve been manipulating me all my life,” Growl croaked. “Did she tell you that? He must have sucked your brains out.” “Be careful,” Growl warned. He tried to sit up, but with his hands tied was not easy. Eventually he gave up. Which was probably for the best, considering Bandit had stuck his head out of the back seat and was only too eager to taste Falcone again. “Is it worth losing everything? You could have become my successor. You still can if you kill that bitch now.” I laughed. And Growl smiled bitterly, too. “As if your people ever accepted me as their leader. I know what everyone says about me, even you. A bastard can never be anything but a henchman. I am not stupid. I know what happened behind my back. And you have a legitimate heir, you don’t need me.” “This life is all you know, all you have. If you risk it for her, you will have nothing left. It’s not worth it, believe me .” Growl’s eyes pierced me briefly. “Yes, it is. She is worth more than you and me. It will be worth losing everything.” My heart swelled with love, and at the same time my stomach clenched. This was not supposed to happen. Falling in love with a man like Growl was the worst thing I could do, but it was too late now. I could not deny my emotions for the man next to me. “I should have killed you when you were a worthless boy. You are worthless. The son of a cocksucking whore. If you don’t work for me, what are you going to do? There’s nothing you can do. You’re a monster. You always have been. I knew it when I first saw you, when you were a horrible, screaming baby.” Growl walked into a deserted parking lot. Apparently, the store had been closed for a while. Growl jumped out of the car and pulled Falcone out of the back seat, then pushed him to the ground. Falcone chuckled. I got out of the car, too. Growl grabbed Falcone by the throat. “You’ve done enough damage. I won’t listen to you anymore. You are going to die today.” “My men will kill you. You can’t stop them all. They are probably already looking for me.” I froze. How? Growl squinted his eyes. “You’re lying.” Falcone’s smile widened. “I have a second tracker somewhere in my body. After the thing with her traitorous father, I decided I needed additional security measures. Someone will wonder why I am leaving the house and then they will find me.” Falcone stared at me with a terrified look. “Your little sister will suffer greatly.” I let go a sharp breath. “It will be a while before your men realize you’re not home. They have no reason to check your tracker,” Growl said, but he didn’t sound sure.
“We need to find Talia,” I pleaded.
Falcone smiled smugly. “I won’t tell you.”
Growl smiled darkly. “Oh, you will.” He turned back to me.
“You should go back to the car. This is going to get ugly.”
“No. I want to watch.”
Growl hesitated, but then pulled out his knife and knelt beside Falcone. “I’d like to do it slowly,” he murmured in a voice that reminded me why I had been afraid of him in the beginning. Why I should still have been.
“But we’re running out of time.” He silenced Falcone again with duct tape, grabbed Falcone’s bound hands and stuck the tip of the knife under a fingernail.
I opened my eyes wide as I realized what he was about to do, and then Falcone’s muffled cry already rang out and blood began to flow on Growl’s knife. I conked and turned, my chest heaving in an attempt to stop myself from vomiting.
Another stifled cry. I began to tremble and slowly raised my hands and plugged my ears. I wanted him, I wanted Falcone to suffer, but I couldn’t watch. I couldn’t bear to see Growl as the monster I didn’t want him to be.
Falcone deserved it. That was why Growl was capable of such atrocities in the first place. Now he had a taste of his own medicine.
A hand on my shoulder made me wince and I turned sharply to find Growl looking at me with troubled eyes. “We have to go. I know where your sister is. It’s not far from here.” I peeked behind him, where Falcone lay on the asphalt , clutching his bleeding hand against his chest and crying. When he noticed my examination, he frowned.
He would have killed me if he had had the chance, that was certain.
“That was quick,” I said relieved.
Growl scrutinized my face, then nodded. “He’s not used to pain. It makes it easier.”
I wondered how many times Growl had done this before, and at that moment I knew I would never ask him.
“I couldn’t watch,” I whispered.
“That’s okay. You’re a good person.”
“I’m not,” I said. “If I were a good person, I wouldn’t want him to suffer and die, but I do. I’m too weak to watch.”
Growl touched my cheek. “It’s better, believe me.”
“Are you going to kill him now?”
“No. We may still need him as a shield. And we should hurry.” He dropped his hand and put Falcone back in the car, not bothering to get blood on the seats.
Growl’s shirt was already soiled with it. But before he got into the car, he changed into a clean one.
After a five-minute drive, we arrived in front of an unsuspecting house. “This is where they keep your sister,” Growl said. “I don’t know what to expect.”
“That’s why I should stay in the car,” I concluded for him.
Grown nodded, “I’ll be back soon.” He pulled Falcone out and started to drag him toward the house, but Falcone wriggled free. He managed to free himself. He quickly got out of the car.
At that moment, another car stopped. Cosimo was behind the wheel. He opened the door of his car.
Falcone staggered a few steps away from Growl. I was about to raise the alarm, but Growl grabbed Falcone and slit his throat. Bile rose in my throat as the blood flowed from it. But this time I couldn’t look away. “Now you know what it feels like,” Growl croaked.
Falcone fell to the ground in a pool of his own blood. My eyes returned to Cosimo. He looked at me wide-eyed, then his gaze shifted from Falcone to Growl and he climbed back into the car and began to back away. “Growl,” I called.
Growl cursed, but it didn’t stop Cosimo from running away. ” I can’t shoot him. He’s too noisy. Stay here.” With those words, he ran toward the house, gun in his fist. I took the gun Growl had given me and crawled into the back seat, shivering from all the blood there, but I wanted to be by Thali’s side.
I counted the seconds until suddenly Thalia came running toward me. “Here!” I screamed and her terrified eyes focused on me. She fled toward me and threw herself into the car. I clutched her to me, grateful to have her with me again.
Shots were heard. Growl limped toward the car and half fell onto the seat. She pressed her lips together as she started the car. “Get out,” he ordered, and only a second after T alia and I had crouched down in the back seat, a bullet smashed through the window. T alia screamed and I hugged her tighter. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” I hoped I wasn’t lying .