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CARA Growl moved away from me in the days following my visit to the grave. I let him. I wasn’t sure what to do.
He had not even come to visit me in the bedroom and I was beginning to miss him, miss him.
Lying awake in my bed, I listened to every sound outside. Growl had left without explanation again after dark, and I was terrified in this creepy neighborhood all alone at night.
Finally, when every creak made me jerk, I would get out of bed. I would crawl out of the room and stand in the dark hallway, listening for the sound of claws on the floor, but there was nothing there. Maybe Growl had let the dogs sleep in his bedroom. I headed there, but there was silence behind the door. I tiptoed into the living room. There, too, it was dark . Only the dim moonlight filtering through the windows allowed my eyes to make out anything.
Outside I could hear the occasional scream or siren in the distance, sounds that seemed to fill every night in this area. I wasn’t sure why Growl had chosen to live there. How could he stand it? Or perhaps the despair and brutality that filled so many houses on the street was something familiar to him, something he could grasp. A movement at the corner stiffened me. Then my eyes distinguished Coco’s head and next to her Bandit’s. The dogs were watching me but did not move from their sleeping places.
I did not want to go back to the bedroom. I was so tired of being lonely all the time, of being alone with my thoughts , fears and worries. I went to the couch and let myself fall down.
Coco got up from the blanket and trotted over to me. I wasn’t exactly afraid of dogs anymore, but they still made me nervous sometimes, especially Bandit. I couldn’t read their movements very well, since my family had never had pets.
But at that moment Coco did not seem to be in a bad mood. She stopped beside my legs and rested her big head on my knee, peering at me confidently. I lifted my hand cautiously, not wanting to startle her, and held it in front of her nose so she could smell it as Growl had shown me at first.
Coco did not, she licked my hand. Her tongue was warm and rough, but against my expectations it was not disgusting at all, although the idea of all the places that tongue had been before was not comforting. The dog’s warm breath on my skin and that obvious sign of tenderness brought tears to my eyes. I gently ran my hand over her soft ears and head, and she let out a deep breath. I couldn’t help but smile. I lay down on the couch and patted the spot next to me. Coco did not hesitate. She leapt to her feet and lay down beside me, her muscular body pressed against me. I stroked her entire back, savoring the feel of her warm body next to me. The sound of claws on wood made me lift my head, just in time to see Bandit leap from the ground and land on the couch at my feet, where she curled up, her back pressed against the curve of my knees. I knew I would be safe with them, and the scary noises from outside stopped disturbing me.
With their bodies warming me, sleep quickly descended upon me.
I wasn’t sure what had woken me up, but when I opened my eyes, the sun had just risen outside. Coco and Bandit were still snuggled against me; it was probably why I wasn’t cold, even though I didn’t have a blanket.
I had slept without nightmares, which had not happened in a while. Coco lifted her head to look at something behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw Growl leaning against the doorframe, watching me and the dogs. “They don’t usually warm up to people easily. They must really like you if they sleep by your side like that.”
I sat down, which was not easy because Coco and Bandit were so close to me. Both dogs gave me what I could only describe as a reproachful look because I was disturbing their sleep, but eventually my bare feet touched the ground and I found myself sitting up straight. “Maybe they were alone.”
“And why should they be? They are not alone. They have each other and I don’t leave them alone very often.”
“Just because someone isn’t alone doesn’t mean they’re not alone,” I said softly.
Growl scrutinized my face. “Are you alone?” The ‘intensity of his gaze made me want to hide. Instead I lowered my gaze to Coco and scratched her behind the ears. I felt Growl come up behind me. His hand stroked my shoulder, then my throat. “Sometimes,” I admitted. “This house is not an easy place to feel at home.”
His fingertips traced my collarbone, and the touch gave me goose bumps. He said nothing, and neither did I. Slowly his hand slipped under my nightgown until his fingers grazed my nipple. I shuddered from the tingle that ran through my body.
His hand grabbed my breast and squeezed it lightly. A small moan came out of my mouth. Growl made a motion with his other hand and both dogs jumped off the couch.
Growl’s other hand joined his and grabbed my other breast. He twirled my nipples between his fingertips. He pulled a little harder and pain mingled with lust. My legs spread apart as the pressure and heat between them became almost unbearable. I wanted him to touch me there, wanted him to elevate my need.
He leaned down, trapping me in his muscular arms and let one hand slide over my stomach and between my curls. I shuddered again and spread my legs a little apart . After days without his touch, my body was practically thirsty for it.
What was I doing? When had I begun to crave his touch like that? When had I given up resistance altogether?
Growl slipped a finger into my tight center, making me cry out . He tweaked my nipple again, and I moaned loudly. My head fell back and landed on his shoulder. I was already so wet and as Growl tugged my nipples in rhythm with his finger pushing inside me, I almost collapsed. I fought my orgasm. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of making me cum within a minute of when he had started touching me.
His breath was hot against my throat as he licked the spot above my pulse point, then pulled the skin into his mouth and sucked. I bit my lower lip, hoping the pain would soothe me. He released my skin, then let his nose graze my throat to the spot behind my ear. He let go of my breast and a low sound of protest died between my lips. Growl purred deeply and the sound made me tremble with pleasure. His palm covered my cheek and he brought my face closer to his, then pressed his lips against mine. His tongue conquered my mouth. It tasted like freshly brewed coffee and his mouth was incredibly warm, everything about him was.
He removed his hand from my face and returned it to my breast, continuing his care. My nipple was almost flayed from his twisting, but it was too exciting, too beautiful to ask him to stop. A second finger joined the first. I exhaled , getting used to the fullness again, but Growl didn’t give me much time. He established a fast, hard rhythm. He claimed my mouth, my breasts and pussy, my whole body.
My legs began to tremble as the pressure increased more and more , and then I exploded. Waves of lust spread through my body from my core. I arched off the couch and cried into Growl’s mouth. He pushed his fingers even harder inside me and gave my breasts one last tug. I jolted against him, completely exhausted and breathless.
Growl withdrew his hand and a sense of coldness overcame me at the lack of his touch. But Growl appeared beside the couch. He unzipped his pants and let them slide down his legs. His erect cock sprang free, already glistening.
He grabbed the nape of my neck and I let him guide me to his cock, opening my lips as his tip grazed them.
Growl held me still as he fucked my mouth. Suddenly the desire for more control overcame me and I pushed back. The grip on the back of his head tightened briefly but then he let go of me, confusion flashing across his face before being replaced by a neutral expression. The moment he dropped his hand from my head, releasing me, I leaned forward and took him in my mouth again.
Surprise filled his eyes, then pure lust. I swirled my tongue around its tip, then pulled back again to run my tongue from its base to its tip. I curled my fingers around his length and moved it up and down slowly, trying to figure out how to move. Growl watched as I licked his balls.
They stiffened and a new drop appeared on the tip of his cock, infusing me with even more courage. One of my hands covered his hard ass. The muscles flexed under my palm.
The feeling of his strength gave me a chill. How could his power intimidate me in any other situation but arouse me in the moment we were having sex?
I turned off my brain. I didn’t want to think, I just wanted to feel. Sex was the only time I felt anything like freedom and happiness. Maybe it was wrong, but I was determined to hold on to whatever would help me in the near future. I quickly pumped his length and worked the tip between my lips. Soon Growl began to pump lightly, pushing deeper into my mouth. I let go of him and then he stiffened, making a guttural sound. I tried to swallow it all but a few drops dripped onto my chin. Growl lifted me to my feet and claimed my mouth for another kiss.
I kissed him back, wanting him to taste like me.
When he pulled back, we were both panting and sweaty.
Growl let go of my shoulders and took another step back, just like that, building the wall between us again. “Let’s have breakfast. I’m starving.” His voice was even deeper than usual. His eyes stared at me for another couple of seconds. He wanted to say something, it was clear on his face, but then he turned and headed toward the kitchen.
I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was hoping for. Sometimes I wasn’t sure what I wanted. At first everything had been about getting Growl to trust me so I could use him for my purposes, but now there was more.
I would not have to wait for something that would never happen . More importantly: I should not have longed for something that was so wrong. I could not afford to forget why I was there, even if pretending made life easier. But I was a prisoner. Growl practically owned me, and even if he ever decided to let me go, which I doubted he ever would, no one in the world would touch me after I was with Growl, much less married. I was tainted. I was no longer fit for a good couple. I could never return to society.
Las Vegas was dead to me. I leaned against the back of the sofa.
A wave of loneliness was about to make its way out of my chest again.
I surprised Coco looking at me. She looked confused. “I don’t understand any of this either,” I whispered. She tilted her head to the side. A small smile tugged at my lips at her confusion.
I rose to my feet. I was not going to drown in self-pity . It wasn’t as if I needed or wanted Growl’s affection or closeness. Sex was a means to an end. It helped me feel better and helped me understand Growl better. If I wanted to try to manipulate him into letting me go and helping my family, I would have to use every trick I had.
Growl His dogs did not like humans. Even he had had to fight for a long time for them to trust him. But Cara, they seemed to love her. If dogs were capable of that kind of emotion.
Growl was certain that most humans were not either . They liked the idea of love, but they had never reached that level with anyone.
Love. A silly idea. And dangerous. Horrible things had been done in the name of love. Or of the idea itself.
Growl didn’t think he had ever felt anything like that. At least he couldn’t remember it. Perhaps he had loved his mother when he was a small child. He had been scarred by it.
Love.
It was not something he could understand.
Darling. That woman.
He felt something. But he didn’t know what it was.
He had never felt this way before.
She made him want to treat her well. She made him want to be better. She made him want so many things he should not have wanted.
She was dangerous to him, to the life he had built for himself, to the person he had become.
She wanted him to stand up to Falcone, to everything he had worked so hard for. That was why she let him touch her and why she sometimes smiled at him , why she talked to him and accepted his closeness.
There could be no other explanation.
He knew it, and yet she was like a moth attracted to his light. The only light that had ever penetrated the ‘darkness that was him and his life.
CHAPTER TWELVE Dear “There’s something you should know.” Growl leaned against the kitchen counter as he often did. He hardly ever sat down, as if he always wanted to be ready to run. Although in his case attacking was probably more appropriate.
But his look worried me. Something told me I wouldn’t like what he had to say. “Okay,” I said slowly. “What is it?” So many horrible things had happened in the last few weeks, there wasn’t much left to devastate me, and then fear hit me. “Is this about my mother or my sister?
Has Falcone decided he doesn’t need them anymore?”
Growl frowned as if he could not imagine how I could come to that conclusion. Perhaps worrying about others was something completely foreign to him.
“No,” he growled. “This is about your boyfriend.”
“I doubt he’s still my fiance,” I muttered. Who would want me after all that had happened? I was a pariah in our society.
Growl’s frown deepened. “He’s not. You’re right.”
His look was beginning to upset me, which was surprising considering that at first everything about him had upset me. Apparently now I needed one more reason to feel uncomfortable in his presence.
“Fine,” I said firmly. “I wouldn’t want to marry him anyway.”
Doubt crossed Growl’s face. “Why?” he grumbled.
There was something in his voice that I could not understand.
I huffed. “Why? Do you really need to ask me?”
Growl remained silent, with the same stoic expression on his face.
“He betrayed my father to improve his position.
He betrayed my family. He betrayed me. I don’t want a man like that . A man who seeks only his own gain, who doesn’t care who he hurts to achieve his goals. I don’t want a man I don’t trust. He is a pig and I wish I could spit in his face .”
“You’ll get your chance,” Growl said.
I paused. “What do you mean?”
Growl ignored my question. “What I have to tell you is that Cosimo and your friend are getting married.”
I wasn’t sure I had heard correctly. “My friend?”
“That girl Anastasia. Falcone told me last night. They announced their engagement yesterday.”
I couldn’t move. If it was a nightmare, I wanted to wake up right away. “Are you sure?”
Grown nodded. “Cosimo has a position of power now.
He needs a wife and an heir.”
I laughed bitterly. “It didn’t take him long to find a new woman to marry.” I hated how that news made me feel.
Despite my hatred for Cosimo, I felt devastated. Not because I wanted to marry him, but because this made my life, as it was now, even more real. There was no turning back.
The change was irrevocable. And Anastasia, how could she have done such a thing? I had always known that Anastasia could be mean and selfish, but we had been friends since we had learned to walk. We had experienced so many things together. Didn’t that mean anything? How could my friend have done such a thing? Did Anastasia know everything? Maybe she already knew at Falcone’s party? Maybe that explained why she had seemed so pissed off when I had danced with Cosimo.
No, it couldn’t be.
I didn’t want to believe that my friend hadn’t warned me. It seemed cruel to me. Crueler than what Anastasia was capable of. She liked to insult and destroy people’s reputations, but that was another matter.
Maybe Anastasia was a victim. Maybe her parents and Falcone had forced her to marry my ex-boyfriend now that I was no longer eligible. After all, Anastasia was the same age as me and from a good family. I wanted to believe it.
But the look Cosimo and Anastasia had exchanged at the party flashed through my mind. There had been a kind of familiarity between them. Or maybe I was reading too much into it now that I knew about their engagement. I was not in the right state of mind to think clearly, so I pushed the image away.
I was unable to bear the idea of my friend’s horrible betrayal.
Not until I knew all the facts. There was no point in driving myself crazy by going over all the possibilities.
Growl was still watching me. I wasn’t sure how long I had been lost in thought and hoped my face hadn’t revealed too much of my inner turmoil. “This no longer concerns me,” I said. “It’s not like I’m part of their circle anymore.”
“Why do you say that?”
Was he serious? “Oh, come on. You, too, need to understand what’s going on in our society. Even if you don’t care about any of it. There are rules. And I was basically exiled.”
“Because you’re with me.” Was there pain in his voice?
His constant growling made it even harder to hear the nuances of his emotions.
I pursed my lips. Had I offended him? “With you?” I asked curiously. “You make it sound like we’re a couple when I’m just your gift.”
Growl nodded, “You were. But now that you’re mine, you have the same status as I do.”
“That’s not true,” I said, frustrated by his lack of understanding. Did he really think that any part of my former life could survive? I had done my best for my destiny, but that did not mean I would choose it.
Growl seemed as frustrated as I was, but I didn’t care. I didn’t have the energy to explain anything to him.
Sometimes his inability to understand human relationships drove me crazy.
“Maybe you’re not as special as you used to be,” Growl said, the word special like a curse on his lips. “But you are part of this world.”
I cast a furious glance at the counter. “I don’t want to be part of this world anymore.”
“It’s not up to you. We’re invited to Cosimo and your friend’s engagement party,” Growl said.
My breathing stopped and my eyes snapped up to look at Growl. “You can’t be serious.”
He stared at me. He obviously wasn’t joking.
“I’m not going,” I said in a trembling voice. Coco trotted over to me and rested her head on my knee. I put the palm of my hand on her soft head, but I could not calm down. Bandit had also come out of the living room to look at me with curious eyes. “Yes, you will go there. Falcone wants us there, so we will be there.”
“I don’t care what he wants. I hate him. And anyway, he just wants to humiliate me. Everyone knows that Cosimo was my boyfriend and Anastasia is … Was my friend. They will all laugh at me.”
I could only imagine the humiliation I would be subjected to. I didn’t think I could take it.
“No one will laugh at you when I am by your side,” she said in a low voice.
I paused. “Why do you care?”
“You are mine and I will not allow anyone to speak ill of something that belongs to me.”
Of course. It was an ego thing. He didn’t care about me. He just wanted to make sure people showed him the respect he needed, and that included respect for his possessions. I wanted to scream in frustration, but I restrained myself . This party was my chance to ask my friends for help.
We had known each other practically forever. Now that Growl had made it clear that he would not help me against Falcone, they were probably my last chance.
I had been dreading that day ever since Growl had told me two days earlier, but I promised myself to keep my head up. I was stronger than before. I would get through that party.
Growl was standing in the living room, pulling at his shirt collar with one hand while a tie was tangled in the other.
It was obvious how uncomfortable he felt dressed like that. It wasn’t him. Putting him in a suit was like putting a tiger in a cage. At Falcone’s party he had hidden his discomfort behind a mask of indifference, but now, at a time when he thought himself alone, his defenses were down. It was not the first time I had glimpsed something human. It was disconcerting because I did not want to see him as anything more than a monster. It made things easier. I didn’t want to risk really hoping for something completely unrealistic.
Growl put the tie around his neck and then fumbled with both ends for a minute until he made a sound of frustration and threw the tie to the ground. That was probably why he had not worn a tie to the last party. A small smile tugged at my lip and I took a step forward. “Do you need help?”
Growl’s eyes flicked toward me, seeming captivated. Then they slowly slid down my length. Only moments before I had felt guilty because the dress wasn’t new, because everyone would have known I had worn it before, but now, with the way Growl was looking at me, it suddenly didn’t matter so much.
I quickly looked away, startled by the way his expression mattered to me, and pointed to the tie on the ground.
“Can you make a tie?” he asked with a hint of surprise.
“Sure,” I said as I approached him. His eyes followed every move. I often had trouble reading his expressions, but now there was no need to guess: lust and appreciation. He made me shiver.
“You look like a lady,” he croaked.
Growling His movements were pure grace. There was nothing trivial, nothing vulgar about Cara. She was a girl born to be a princess and now she had been demoted to being a mere servant. Perhaps Falcone had wanted to take everything away from her , but this, her education, her beauty and grace, he could not take away. Perhaps he had hoped to break her so irrevocably that she would become someone else, that she would lose that part of herself. But he wasn’t going to do that.
He was a monster. He always would have been. But he knew how to appreciate something precious, something as precious as Cara, and he would never destroy it. He was not good, there was nothing gray about him. He was all black but he was trying to be good to her. Never as good as she deserved but as good as he was capable of being. He was not good enough, she realized every day. It would never be enough.
She grabbed his tie and moved closer to him, her sweet, floral scent filling his nose and making him want to bury his face in her long brown hair.
Her long, elegant fingers deftly made the knot. Fingers made to hold fragile glasses of champagne and be decorated with only the finest jewels.
He smoothed the tie once he was done.
There was no hesitation or wavering. She was made to be the wife of a man who wore suits every day. Sometimes Growl caught herself wondering if she had imagined being Cosimo’s wife, tying his knot in the morning and greeting him with a kiss when he returned in the evening. She admired his work, then looked at him with her blue eyes. “Done.”
He had never felt less worthy of that moment. The ‘dress she wore was perfect on her, as if it had been made especially for her. She was made for cocktail parties and elegant evenings. He was made for seedy pubs and clubs in dark alleys.
Their paths would never have crossed had it not been for Falcone’s thirst for revenge. Cara’s suffering had led to the most precious thing in Growl’s life, and he still could not regret it.
He was selfish. He was glad he had the chance to have someone like her.
He looked at his watch. “We have to go.”
Cara tapped a finger against the glass of her watch. “I would never have thought of you as the type to wear a Rolex,” she said curiously.
“I’m not. The watch belonged to Falcone and he gave it to me as a gift for a job well done.”
Cara’s expression turned to stone, her eyes flashing. “Like me.” A bitter smile tugged at her perfect red lips. “But I’m not worth as much as that piece on your wrist.”
“You’re worth more than anything I’ve ever owned or will ever own.”