222

Darling, I barely cast Growl a glance as we walked back to his house. He threw me a look. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said abruptly, then bit my lip. I didn’t know what to do. I needed Growl on my side, and my body wanted him, but I was going against everything my mother had taught me by sleeping with him.
Growl’s hands on the steering wheel stiffened, the tendons in his forearms flexed.
I focused on the window. My mind buzzed. I knew I needed Growl if I was to have a chance to help my mother and sister.
That night I lay awake when the door to my room creaked open. I knew why Growl was there, what he wanted, but I was so undecided.
He approached the bed, illuminated by the light from the hallway. He scrutinized my face, and I just stared at him.
He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and my eyes traced the lines of his muscles, the way the light accentuated his sculpted abdomen. I wanted that man. Seeing him always made my body tingle, no matter how indecisive I was. I lowered my gaze to the bulge in Growl’s pants. God, why did I have to desire him?
Growl knelt on the bed, but I just watched. He had always been the most active part of our sex life, but I usually at least reacted in some way. I could see frustration and confusion in his eyes, then he crawled toward me and hovered over my body. His smell enveloped me. I put my hands on his chest, torn between pushing him away and drawing him closer. Growl made the decision for me. He grabbed my hands and pressed them on the mattress above my head. Then he lowered his head onto my breasts and sucked a nipple into his mouth through the silky fabric of my nightgown. I pressed my lips together, trying to hold back a moan. But this seemed to spur Growl on.
He moved his head to my panties. I knew I would be in his hands if I let him go there. I struggled but his other hand came down to my side, holding me tight. When his face was inches from my center, he inhaled deeply.
Heat rose to my cheeks as it always did when he did something like this. But despite my embarrassment my body filled with warmth.
Growl licked my panties and I lay still. My core stiffened and my body began to tingle. I struggled even harder but Growl ignored me completely. He pushed my panties to the side with his nose and licked my bare flesh.
He slid his tongue up and down, firm licks, over and over again. Moisture pooled between my legs. I hated my body for this, for always surrendering to him.
He dipped his tongue into my opening and let out a deep growl. I closed my eyes tightly, struggling against my body’s reaction, trying to hold back a moan. I was not going to give him that satisfaction. But he didn’t stop. He seemed to enjoy every moment. Every time he hummed, a stupid part of me got excited. I still couldn’t believe that he liked the taste of me down there, but it was obvious that he liked it. He moved his tongue higher and licked my clit. My hips rose, but this time not in an attempt to release me. Growl maintained a steady rhythm. I had no chance to resist him. My body was always eager for his touch. He must have sensed my surrender because he let go of my hip and brought his hand down between my legs. He used his thumb and forefinger to separate me , allowing his tongue even better access. I could not stop a loud moan from escaping me.
Wrong, screamed my head. But I gave up resisting.
Again my hands found Growl’s head, but then he bent his tongue in a way that made me cry out in pleasure.
Growl knew he had won. I could practically feel his conceit. His mouth closed over my center, sinking his tongue even deeper into me, and my fingers dug into his scalp. My body began to shake and Growl’s tongue pressed even harder against my clit. My last resistance crumbled as a shockwave swept over me, rendering me helpless and dazed as I gasped.
I wasn’t sure how long I had stayed like that. I couldn’t move, could barely breathe, my heart pounding in my chest as I stared into the darkness. Shadows danced in the distant streetlights filtering through the window. Growl pressed another lingering kiss between my legs, then knelt down .
He leaned over me and kissed my lips. I could taste myself on him, I could smell myself. I held my breath.
“This is wrong,” I said softly. Was this a betrayal? To be so intimate with the enemy, with someone like Growl, with a monster, was wrong on every level I could imagine. He had helped bring my father down. It was part of the reason he was dead now. Yet here I was, sharing a bed with him and enjoying it.
“Stop overthinking every fucking thing,” he murmured.
“You can’t understand,” I said abruptly. To him, sin, guilt and shame were not words that mattered.
“Maybe,” he admitted. “But I understand your body.”
He pressed two fingers against my moist center and brought them to his lips. “And your body likes it.”
“You are disgusting,” I said. I tried to turn away, to leave , but it was almost impossible with his body hovering over me. “Maybe my body reacts to you, but I will never feel anything but hatred for you, you monster.” I closed my lips tightly, unable to believe what I had said. How could I tell him such a thing if I wanted his help?
“I’m a monster, you’re right. Always have been, always will be. I’m good at being a monster. Few people ever find something they are good at, something they should be,” he said simply. He didn’t sound angry, just resigned.
“It’s crazy. No one is meant to be a killer. No one is meant to be like you. You want to be like this. You said you like blood, pain and death, and pretending you were born a monster is your excuse to justify the horrors you have committed.”
“You are right. There is nothing better than the adrenaline rush of killing . It is exhilarating. It’s you against them. It’s all or nothing. Nothing in the world makes you feel more alive than that. I love it. And I don’t give a shit about justifying anything to anybody. I would do it all over again. I don’t regret anything.”
I swallowed. “I don’t understand. How does someone get like that. It can’t be all because of that scar on his throat.”
He got off the bed. “I have many scars, and all of them have made me the man I am today.”
I searched his face for a hint of the humanity I had seen before, but he looked so different in that moment. “That doesn’t mean I can’t be different. You act so strong and unbeatable, but you let your past and your supposed destiny determine your life. Why don’t you fight for a better future?”
“For me there is no future.”
“But there might be,” I whispered.
Growl peered at my face again. There was longing. He wanted more from this life, though he could not yet admit it to himself. He left without another word, and I lay awake, staring into the darkness.
I was too restless to sleep and so I finally got up.
For some reason I needed to be near Growl now.
It was quiet inside the house when I entered the hallway. My slow breathing sounded like an intruder in the silence. I headed toward Growl’s bedroom, but the door was open and he was not inside.
Where was he? I slipped stealthily into the darkness when my eyes registered a dim light pouring into the house from the back yard. I tried to move quietly as I approached the terrace door. Growl sat at the small, shabby table. A half-out candle on a saucer could not break through the night, but it managed to cast eerie shadows on his face.
The dogs were lying at his feet. They did not react.
Either they had not noticed me, which did not qualify them as watchdogs, or they had deemed me too uninteresting for a reaction. Growl seemed alone. In the short time I had known him I had learned to read his expressions better, but I still did not understand him.
He sought my closeness, tried to treat me well, though he had never learned how. Had anyone ever treated him well? Other than his mother, perhaps. I thought about going back to my room, but something kept me pinned to the spot.
“I know you’re there,” Growl said softly.
I approached him hesitantly. He looked tired. ” You should be asleep,” he said.
“So should you.”
“I can’t,” he admitted.
“Neither can I” . We looked at each other. “Can I stay?”
Growl nodded. I took a step toward the vacant chair, then changed my mind and walked toward Growl. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me. I climbed onto his legs and rested my head on his shoulder. He let out a low sigh but did nothing else.
He was warm and strong. I inhaled his scent. It was not long before my eyes grew heavy. When I was almost asleep, I felt Growl’s fingers slide over my hair. Up and down. And then I fell asleep.
I was back in bed when I woke up the next morning, and Growl was back to his usual distant self when I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the cup of coffee waiting for me.
“I’ll show you where they buried your father,” Growl said without warning.
I froze. My throat tightened with emotion and most of my anger vanished. “Will you?” My voice trembled.
Growl nodded, his eyes almost gentle. “You should have a chance to say goodbye. If it will make things easier.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I was grateful nonetheless. His acts of kindness still surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to think of the man in front of me. “Did you get a chance to say goodbye to your mother?”
Growl’s expression became even more guarded. ” I watched her die, and that’s when I said goodbye. After that, my throat was cut and I had to fight for my life.”
I blushed. Of course. He had been a little boy who had suffered horribly. It was hard to imagine Growl as anything other than the powerful and cruel man in front of me. That he had once been an innocent little boy was easy to forget.
I changed the subject. “When are you going to show me?”
“As soon as you finish your coffee.” He emptied his cup and put it back on the counter. I took two long sips that burned my tongue and throat, then nodded, “I’m ready.”
We drove for a long time until the glitzy lights and busy streets of Las Vegas stretched far behind us. The landscape became more rugged and fewer and fewer signs of civilization were visible. Rocks stood along the road, red and orange in the afternoon sun. The valley of fire. I had crossed it only once before, in the evening, when the power of the colors was no longer visible.
Although I had lived in Las Vegas all my life, I had rarely explored its surroundings. My family had never been the road trip type. Our vacations had been to Aspen, Mexico, or the Bahamas. My chest tightened abruptly at the memory of our last ski trip to Aspen last February. Even my father had given himself enough time off to ski with us, and in the evening we had all gathered in front of a roaring fire in our lodge.
Suddenly I could no longer appreciate the stark landscape. This road trip was goodbye. I had never again spent a vacation with my whole family, never again seen my father struggle to keep the fire going in the fireplace, cursing while my mother scolded him for it. I was not even sure if I would ever see my sister again, and if anything happened to her, neither my mother nor I would be able to live with it .
I had to force myself to keep breathing, despite the knot in my throat. Growl peered at me but I ignored him. I didn’t want to talk to him. My emotions were a whirlwind, I could barely understand. I doubted he would be able to and feared he would try to dissuade me from visiting my father’s grave after all.
Eventually, he took the car off the paved road and drove down a dirt road. Our wheels kicked up red dust that settled in a thick layer on the windows. Growl tried to wipe the dust off the windows with the windshield wipers, but in vain. The vibration of the car as we passed over bumps and smaller rocks made me feel sick, and I closed my eyes.
I wasn’t so sure it was a good idea after all. But by then it was too late to turn back without having to explain to Growl. I didn’t want to look weak.
The car stopped and I looked outside. We were in the middle of nowhere. There wasn’t even a dirt road anymore. There was absolutely nothing.
“It’s here,” Growl said in a practical tone. He looked at me as if he was waiting for an answer, but I could not say a word at that moment. I only nodded to show him that I understood. He opened the door and got out. I took a deep breath and pressed my flat palm against my stomach, hoping to calm down. No chance.
I stepped out of the car and the heat hit me like a fist. How could anything survive out there? My eyes scanned the horizon for a sign of civilization, but we were the only people around.
“Come on. It’s too hot out here to stand there.”
He strolled away, not even checking to see if I was following him. Obviously he didn’t have to worry about me running away. There was nothing to run to out there. I would have died of thirst or heat before I found another person. But I realized that he had been less wary of me lately.
He began to trust me.
As I followed Growl into the sand, another thought suddenly struck me. What if Growl had grown tired of me and decided to get rid of me in the desert? Maybe I had asked too many questions, gotten too close to feel comfortable?
I would not have survived long out here if he had abandoned me.
He didn’t even need to kill me; the desert would have done it.
I shook my head. My imagination was running wild.
Growl had no reason to get rid of me. He liked my company, even if he tried to hide his face.
Growl led me to a spot surrounded by some dry bushes. There was no sign of a grave. “It’s there.” He pointed to the dusty ground.
I squatted beside the spot and placed my palm on the sand. My eyes stung, but I did not cry. “I really thought you had fed him to the dogs.”
Growl frowned. “That’s not how you should treat the dead.”
I let out a laugh. “Really? You don’t mind killing and hurting people, but you care about their corpses.”
“Death was their punishment. It makes no sense to desecrate their bodies.”
“I know Falcone has done this before. Father told Mother about it, and she even asked me about it when I went to visit her.
I even heard rumors that he fed the bodies to his attack dogs and made the families watch.”
“I don’t always agree with what Falcone does.”
That was at least something, I suppose. ” Have you ever seen him do anything like that?”
Growl nodded, “Once. But the family didn’t have to watch. Falcone knows I don’t like unnecessary violence, so he usually doesn’t ask me to stand by and watch.”
I lowered my eyes to the ground again. It was hard to imagine that my father was beneath me. My father knew the risks of his job, had made a lot of money from it, and had probably been responsible for the deaths of several people, but he didn’t deserve it. I wished he had been there so I could have had a long talk with him. I couldn’t remember when we last saw each other. Too long ago. “When you came to our house, did you think you had to kill my father?” I wasn’t sure why it mattered. I knew Growl was a killer and would not hesitate to pull the trigger.
“Falcone had not told us who would kill your father,” he said.
“But you knew he wanted him dead.” I raised my eyes to meet his.
He cast me a glance. “Your father betrayed Falcone.
Death is the punishment for that.”
I sighed and stood up, dusting off my pants, which were covered with a thin layer of red sand.
“Do you ever go to your mother’s grave?” I asked.
“No,” he said. There was no emotion in his voice. “It’s just her body down there. And I don’t even remember her much. I prefer not to stay in the past.”
It was probably a necessity, considering the many dark aspects of her life. “Yet to some extent you do.”
Confusion filled Growl’s face. “What do you mean?”
“You let the past determine who you are now and you are bound to a man who made you what you are today.
There is so much past in your life.”
Growl thought about it. My words really seemed to be getting to him.
I risked the next step. “Don’t you want revenge? Haven’t you ever dreamed of killing him? Of hurting him for what he did to you? You could end it all. Get rid of your past once and for all.”
Growl shook his head. “I told you, what he did to me made me who I am. I wouldn’t be here without him.
I wouldn’t be here with you without him. He gave me you, and that’s more than I ever hoped for.”
For a moment I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything but stare and try to come to terms with what Growl had just said. How could so few words mean so much to me? How could something that man, that monster had said, mean anything? It seemed impossible, even now.
He took a step forward and brushed a lock from my face before taking my hand in his. It was not a romantic gesture, more like he needed to convince himself of something, to make it tangible in order to understand it. “But giving you to me was not kindness,” he said. “Nothing like that. It was cruel and degrading. He wanted to punish you, and he knew I was the kind of punishment that would break you.” He let go of my hand. “Just look at that skin.
Immaculate. Clean. And look at me.” He stretched out his arms, covered in tattoos and scars, tanned and muscular. His life could be seen on his body.
I didn’t know what to say. Self-hatred oozed from every pore of his body, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.
“Falcone hoped I would do to you what he had done to me. Turn you into something gruesome. Break you.”
I grasped his hand firmly. “You didn’t break me,” I said stubbornly . But I wasn’t sure that was true. I was no longer the person I was. A part of me had been broken, not by the violence of his hands, and yet I had changed anyway.
“Stop hating yourself,” I said angrily. “You are not helpless. You are perhaps the only person who can do anything against Falcone. If you feel so bad about why Falcone gave me to you, then help me. You always say that you are lost, that you cannot redeem yourself. But that’s not true. You could make up for your sins by helping me and my family.”
Growl stroked my hand with his fingers. “By avenging yourself, ” he said curiously.
I hesitated. “Yes.” Was I hypocritical to suggest such a thing? “Falcone deserves death.
We will never be free with him around. Not only because he can tell us what to do, but because he controls our past, has shaped it, has irrevocably shaped us.”
Growl stepped back, dropping my hand. “Don’t ask me anymore. I can’t help you.”
My heart sank. For a moment, he had actually thought about saying yes. I had read it in his face. Should I keep trying even though he had told me not to? Or should I just accept what obviously could not be changed and hope that everything would be all right with my mother and sister anyway?
That was all I could say.