Darling, I decided not to press Growl any further about Falcone and what had happened. I had a feeling he would shut down completely if I tried again too soon. At least he didn’t seem too upset about my questions to stop sleeping with me.
When we lay next to each other in my bed after Growl had brought me to three orgasms, my mind raced to find a way to get him to stay with me. Usually he would leave right after we were done, not giving me a chance to get to know him better. We didn’t even touch each other afterwards. Or at least we hadn’t until now.
Now Growl’s arm was lightly brushing against mine. It was no accident. Perhaps he longed after all for closeness beyond sex?
His eyes were half-closed and his breathing was already slowing. His muscular chest glistened with sweat.
“What happened to my father after you took me to your house?” I asked.
Growl opened his eyes. “He was dead.”
“I know,” I whispered abruptly. “That’s not what I meant . Where is his body? What did you do with it?”
Growl turned his head toward me, frowning. “What does it matter? He’s gone.”
“People bury their dead for a reason. Because they need a place to feel connected to them, a place to go to say goodbye or talk to what’s left of the people they love. That’s what people do.”
Growl did not seem to understand. “Maybe. I don’t see how that helps.”
“You don’t have to understand,” I said softly. ” Just accept it. I really need to know where my father’s body is. I need to say goodbye to him to get peace.”
“He was buried outside the city limits.”
“Buried? So he wasn’t dumped somewhere or worse?”
“I wasn’t there when they buried him. But that’s what they told me.”
“Do you know where he is? Can you take me?”
Growl let out a sigh. He sat down as I expected and swung his legs out of bed, turning his back to me. That too was covered with tattoos, thorns and roses, skulls and snakes and intricate black letters that said “Pain,” nothing else . There were more scars on my back, shoulders and neck.
“You have to move on.”
I stifled my frustration. He simply could not understand.
So many human emotions and habits were foreign to him. I pushed myself to my seat and moved closer. I hoped it was a good sign that he hadn’t gotten up yet. Maybe something in him wanted to tell me something?
My fingers grazed the strange round scars that dotted his back and upper arms. They didn’t look like gunshot wounds, but rather like someone had burned Growl. After a moment’s hesitation, I asked softly. “What are those?”
Growl peered over his shoulder. “Cigarette burns.”
My fingers froze. He looked so detached, as if we weren’t talking about his body. “Who did this to you?”
“Maybe I asked someone to do it to me,” he said.
“Why would someone ask for pain?”
“I like pain. I’ve learned to appreciate it over time.”
“You like it?” I repeated, removing my hand from his skin. Had he asked someone to burn him? Was he that messed up ? The idea didn’t sit well with me. Someone who had done this to himself would probably have done much worse to others.
Although why this had surprised me was ridiculous. I knew what kind of man Growl was. More monster than man.
One corner of his mouth twitched into an almost smile.
That small gesture managed to change his face completely, making him seem more approachable, less dangerous. But the usual hard line returned to his lips all too quickly. “Don’t burn yourself. I didn’t ask for those scars,” he said abruptly.
“When I was a child, I was not yet prone to pain.”
My eyes scanned the numerous burn marks, counting nearly a dozen. “Did someone do this to you when you were a child ?” I paused, uncertain of the next question. “Your mother?” That would have at least explained why Growl did not want to avenge her.
Growl shook his head. “She wasn’t the best mother.
She worked as a prostitute. Her addiction and her job didn’t really help me raise a child, but she never beat me or physically hurt me.”
I licked my lips. This was dangerous territory I was entering. My curiosity made me eager to learn more, but at the same time I was equally afraid of the horrors I would hear and what they would make me feel. With each piece of Growl’s past and his character that I discovered, it became harder not to feel compassion, and more. “So who did it?” I asked despite my concerns.
“After my mother died and I was released from the hospital , Falcone gave me to one of his henchmen, Bud, who was in charge of one of the brothels. He was a pimp, really, and he didn’t want a child around. But he couldn’t give me away if he wanted to get into Falcone’s good graces, so he kept me. But he was a sadistic bastard, and when he got tired of beating his prostitutes to a pulp he liked to torture me.”
“Why didn’t Falcone stop him?” I shook my head. “I don’t even know why I’m asking. The guy almost killed you.
It’s not like he’s a decent human being or anything .”
“He didn’t kill me, although he could have. And he never touched me. He let one of his men cut my throat. And Bud always made sure to beat and burn me where no one could see him.”
“So you think Falcone didn’t know what was going on ?”
“The prostitutes knew and loved me. They could have told him.”
“But he didn’t do anything,” I concluded.
Growl shrugged his shoulders. “The beatings made me stronger.
After a while, you no longer feel pain like other people . It becomes familiar, almost like a friend . You stop fearing it , and even appreciating it.”
This explained the tattoo on his back.
I moved so I could see his face and was amazed at the almost serene expression on his face. I hoped it was a perfect mask because if he was really that calm about the whole thing, there was little hope for him. When his eyes met mine, I saw a flicker, a crack in the perfect mask he had built over time, and I almost breathed a sigh of relief. I rested my chin on his shoulder, bringing my face closer to his. “There are other things that make people strong, not just pain. It’s horrible what happened to you. Someone should have protected you. All the people who stood by while you were tortured should rot in hell.”
“You shouldn’t worry,” Growl murmured.
“I know.” I said no more. Did I really care? The man in front of me today did not deserve my pity or help.
He was no longer the helpless boy of long ago. Yet part of me felt compassion for him. I could not avoid him.
For several heartbeats we stared at each other, and unspoken words seemed to hang in the air between us. I was so close to breaking down Growl’s walls, so close to gaining his trust.
“Bud is dead now. He got what he deserved,” Growl finally said.
It took me a moment to shake off the strange connection I had felt earlier. “Did you kill him?”
It was frightening how easily the words came from my lips and how little impact they had on my conscience.
“When I was ten,” Growl said with a hint of pride in his deep voice. Maybe that should have made me uncomfortable, and maybe it would have, even though Bud had deserved to die, if the idea of taking deadly revenge on Falcone hadn’t dominated my thoughts for the past two weeks.
“He had beaten a prostitute to a pulp, but she had done nothing to him. Falcone had not given him the second brothel Bud wanted and wanted to let off steam.
When he came into my room, I knew he was out for blood.
And I let him. He kicked me and beat me, and I let him, but then I decided enough was enough, and I fought back. I always had a Swiss Army knife in my pocket, and when he stopped to light a cigarette and turned away, I cut his hamstring with a clean cut.”
My eyes went wide.
“He squealed like a pig to the slaughter. He didn’t lose his balance as I had hoped. He tried to kick me again, so I stabbed him in the upper thigh. I accidentally cut his artery.
He lost blood quickly. And I watched. I was still watching with the knife in my hand when one of the prostitutes found me and ran away screaming. And I still stood there when Falcone arrived some time later. I was covered in blood from head to toe. I had stabbed that dead bastard a few more times to blow off some steam.”
Images flashed through my mind and with the blood came more images, images of my father and how he had died.
But I could not allow myself to dwell on that memory. It would not have helped me or my mother or my sister. “What did Falcone do? You killed one of his men. Shouldn’t he have killed you?”
“No, he decided it was time to take me under his wing and show me what else I was capable of.”
“Killing, maiming and torturing,” I said softly.
Growl’s eyes were almost resigned. “That’s all I can do. If there was ever more in me, it would not have survived.”
He had said similar words before. And I began to realize that he might have been right.
“So Falcone taught you how to kill? When did you become his killer?”
Growl thought about it for a moment. “I killed the second man a few months after I killed Bud. Falcone had told me the name of the guy who cut my throat and where I could find him.”
“So he wanted you to kill that guy?”
“He didn’t say, but I went and killed him. Falcone told me that this was his gift to me and that I would never kill again without his explicit permission, and I never did.”
“So you took revenge on the man who burned you and the man who cut your throat, but not on the man who is the reason it happened?”
Growl was silent.
“He is the reason you have this.” I reached out to touch the scar on his throat, curious how it would feel, but Growl’s hand jerked out and his fingers closed around my wrist.
“Don’t do that,” he said softly, in a warning tone. His eyes were troubled as they fixed on me.
I released myself from his grip and put my hand back in my lap . “Why? It’s not like I haven’t touched your other scars.”
And every inch of your body.
“Don’t do that,” he repeated in a voice that made me shiver.
“No one is allowed.”
More questions lingered on the tip of my tongue, but Growl gave me no chance to voice any. He untangled himself from the blankets and stood up.
“You should sleep.” He walked out without looking back.
Sighing, I lay down again. I didn’t bother to put my nightgown back on. I was exhausted. Always exhausted.
Worry kept me awake too many nights. I strained my ears, listening for Growl, and as usual I heard the creaking of the back door and some howling of the dogs before they fell silent again. Growl was a creature of habit. Perhaps that was why the dogs were loyal to him. It gave them a hint of normalcy. I shook my head in the darkness. Normality. My life had always been a good cry away from normalcy, but now?
Growl was more detached over the next few days.
I had thought we had finally made a real connection during our last conversation, but now he was pulling away again.
He didn’t want me to be close. And I wasn’t sure how to change that.
If he didn’t trust me, how could I suggest that he help my mother and sister? What if he told Falcone everything? Then it would all be over. Yet part of me was certain that he would not tell Falcone anything they had talked about. Growl kept things to himself. He was that kind of person.
He didn’t even come to my bed at night anymore. He was really trying to stay away from me. Was he afraid I would get too close? Was it even a possibility with him?
“Falcone agreed to let you go see your mother,” Growl said suddenly as we were having coffee in silence one morning.
I almost dropped my cup. “Really? Why? Why now?”
“Apparently your mother is depressed and Falcone thinks that’s why the negotiations with New York are going badly. I told him it would be good for your mother to see that you were okay, so she had something to fight for.”
I placed the cup on the counter and bridged the distance between us. I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly, my cheeks pressed against his chest. He stiffened, then relaxed. We had slept together several times, but this was the first time we really hugged. I realized that he never kissed me or touched me except for sex.
“Thank you,” I said, then pulled away and took a few steps back.
He was looking at me with a strange expression. Was there desire in his eyes?
God, why did she have to be so hard to read?
“I’ll take you to her now on my way to work,” Growl said.
I was looking forward to seeing her again, but at the same time I was terrified of confronting her after what I had been doing for the past few weeks. I had slept with Growl, and not because he had forced me, not even just because I hoped to gain his trust. I liked him. There was no denying it. If my mother had known, she would never have looked at me again.
Arriving in front of my old house felt strange.
It no longer felt like home. Falcone and his men had ruined that place for me. The memory of the place where I had grown up would forever be stained by my father’s blood and death.
“I thought you would be happy,” Growl said as he led me to the front door.
I thought I would be happy, but I felt guilty, unhappy and scared. I forced myself to smile, worried that Growl might decide it was better not to let me go see my mother if it made me sad.
That was the last thing I wanted, even though setting foot in my old home would turn my stomach. “I’m happy, just nervous.”
Growl looked doubtful, but rang the doorbell anyway. It took a long time before finally one of our old bodyguards, Daryl, opened the door. So he was guarding my mother?
Had he always been Falcone’s spy? Probably. There was no loyalty in this world. Even my father had betrayed his boss for who knows what reasons. Not that I didn’t understand that.
He took a step back, an expression of caution on his face as he watched Growl. I felt a sick satisfaction at his discomfort. I was no longer afraid of Growl.
Daryl nodded at me, but I ignored him and quickly passed him into the foyer. There was silence in the house.
A huge difference from the last time I had been there.
“Darling?” said my mother’s meek voice from the living room . I ran toward my mother and found her sitting at the dining room table, which was set for lunch. I hesitated in the middle of the room. My mother had lost weight. Her cheeks were hollowed, her cheekbones protruding.
She wore no makeup. She always had. And her dress was creased as if she hadn’t bothered to iron it. My mother would never wear a dress that had not been ironed.
She had changed. I had changed, too. It was ridiculous to think that my mother or sister wouldn’t. God, T alia. How was she ?
My mother got up from her chair and opened her arms.
I did not hesitate. I threw myself into my mother’s arms. It felt good to hold her, to smell her comforting scent. My mother buried her face in my hair and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes, allowing myself a few moments of peace.
“I have to go now.”
Growl’s voice ripped through the silence. My mother and I parted. My mother cast Growl a grim look with disgust and fear.
I nodded, “Okay.”
“I’ll pick you up in two or three hours.” There was a hint of warning in her voice. I didn’t say anything. I wanted him to leave, worried that my mother might notice something strange between us. I almost sighed with relief when he was gone.
Daryl was still in the room, though.
“Can you give me and my daughter some privacy?”
my mother asked politely. Now she looked controlled.
Daryl looked conflicted. “I’m outside the door. Remember there are cameras.”
My mother tilted her head, looking dignified, but the moment he closed the door, she grabbed the edge of the table and dropped into the chair. I pulled a chair toward Mother and grabbed her hand.
My mother scrutinized my face, then checked my arms as if looking for bruises. “I thought I would never see you again. I was sure that monster would kill you.”
“Growl?” I said. “It didn’t hurt me.”
Mother shook her head. “Don’t lie to me. I know this world. I know the rules. I know more than I let on in the past because I wanted to protect you and your sister.”
She let out a sad laugh. “I have failed.”
“You didn’t fail. What could you have done? They were armed. We had no chance against them.”
Mother touched my cheek, looking desperate. “I wish I were stronger. I know I should ask you what happened to you, but I’m not sure I can handle the truth. You are much stronger than I am, Cara. The fact that you’re here, healthy and intact, I can’t understand how that’s possible.”
I smiled shakily. “I’m really okay, Mom. Please don’t worry about me.”
Mom closed her eyes and shook her head. “I don’t know how you can even talk to me after what I did.”
“What have you done?”
“I work for Falcone, helping him. After he handed you over to that monster, I shouldn’t help him no matter what he threatens me with. If your father knew, he would be disappointed. He wouldn’t even look at me now.”
“Father is the reason this happened. It is the reason we went through hell. It was his punishment that we had to endure. If he were alive, he would have no right to judge you. He should apologize to us for being so selfish and not thinking of the consequences!”
He exploded inside me. Until now I had not allowed myself to be angry , but now I realized that I was. I was furious because Father should have known better. It was his job to protect us and he had failed.
Mother looked at me with wide eyes, not understanding. “Don’t talk about your father like that.
He was the best husband you could imagine and an even better father. He deserves nothing but our respect.”
It was a lie. My father had not been the worst father , but he was far from being a good father. He had been too busy with his work and often too impatient to spend time with his two talkative daughters. I loved him and missed him . I wished he was still alive and I had forgiven him for what he had done because surely he could not have imagined what it would lead to.
“I don’t want to fight,” I said softly, squeezing Mom’s hand. “I know you’re grieving, but eventually you’ll understand that Dad did this to us.”
Mom stared at me. She did not protest anymore, but I could tell she was not yet ready to admit my father’s faults. His death was still too painful.
I decided to change the subject. “I know what you are doing, that you are talking to New York on Falcone’s behalf.”
“How?” whispered Mother.
“Growl told me. But it’s not important. Are you making progress?”
Mom shook her head. “I haven’t talked to Luca Vitiello yet. It’s hard to get to him. New York wants nothing to do with us.” Mother touched her forehead. “I can’t fail. If I did, Falcone would hurt your sister. I don’t know what to do.”
“Just keep trying. There must be a way to get to Luca Vitiello. I’m sure of it.”
Mom nodded, “Maybe. I sent a letter to his wife. I hear she’s nice. This may be our last chance.”
“Don’t give up. We will find a solution,” I said firmly, trying to convey with my eyes that I was working on a plan.
Mom frowned, but did not ask what I meant. She was a smart woman. We had to be careful what we said out loud.
She pointed to the sandwiches piled on the etagere . “I made them. Something to keep me busy.
And I miss cooking for all of you.”
I took a salmon sandwich and took a bite, then smiled. “It’s delicious.”
Mom leaned back in her chair and watched me eat another sandwich. I swallowed the last bite, then asked:
“I was wondering why you left New York and your family? After all, you were part of the leadership family. You could have led a great life there.”
Mom looked tired. “I was. But my brother was the Chief and he was as bad as Falcone. Of course, in those days I didn’t know how bad Falcone ruled in Las Vegas, otherwise maybe I would have stayed in New York.” Then he smiled sadly and shook his head. “Although I was hopelessly in love with your father and would have followed him anywhere.”
I touched her hand. “How did you meet if Dad was one of Falcone’s men?
Even New York and Las Vegas hated each other then, didn’t they?”
Mom nodded, “Oh yes, yes. But Falcone had just become chief and his father still had a say in the city. And the old man wanted to try to make peace with New York, so they sent your father because he always knew how to be diplomatic. Falcone would have ruined everything if he had tried to do the negotiations himself.”
“But they didn’t make a peace treaty, did they?”
“No. Salvatore and Falcone were too much alike. They both wanted to have the last word, so nothing came of your father’s visit to New York.”
“You fell in love.”
“Yes, yes. In the three weeks he was in the city, he completely won my heart. I begged my parents to let me marry him, but of course they refused, and Salvatore was furious that I had even suggested such a horrible thing. He chose someone else for me, but I didn’t want anyone but Brando, and so your father took me in and told Salvatore that he had done it to get revenge for the insults Salvatore had said about Falcone. I don’t know if Falcone believed the story, but he was happy to tease Salvatore like that, and so your father and I got married two days after we left New York. The party was the story in all the papers in Las Vegas and beyond, and from then on any kind of peace was out of the question. So Falcone got exactly what he wanted, and so did your father and I. It seemed like the perfect solution at the time.”
“Do you think the head of the Familia, that Luca, would have allowed us to stay in New York?” I asked in a barely a whisper.
Mother touched my cheek. “I don’t know. I only saw him and his brother once when they were children.”
“You visited them, but I thought it was forbidden?”
“Oh, it was. But Salvatore’s wife and I liked each other very much . I always felt sorry for her because she had to marry my sadistic brother. And once, when I was pregnant with you, I was in Aspen at the same time as Salvatore’s wife.
She was there with the children and so we met secretly. We talked on the phone regularly, but that was the first time we had met since I had run away. It was wonderful. And the kids were real treasures, even though it was unmistakable that my brother was their father. They were too controlled and serious for such little boys. Especially Luca sometimes gave me the creeps.”
“Maybe he will remember you soon and help us. That’s our best chance.”
“It is,” he agreed, then his expression became almost frightened. “Do you know where they took your father’s body? I can’t stand the thought of Falcone feeding him to his dogs. It breaks my heart. He doesn’t deserve it.”
I patted her arm. “Growl told me that someone buried our father in the desert. They didn’t feed him to the dogs.”
Mother’s shoulders sagged in relief.
But suddenly I wondered if Growl had told me the truth. There was no way I could know. I had to take his word for it.
When we heard Growl’s car pull into the driveway, Mama pulled me against her body and whispered in my ear : “You’re a good girl. I don’t know how you deserve it. Be strong, sweetheart. Don’t let that monster break you.”
“I won’t,” I promised automatically. He looked at me with love and pity, and I had to look away. If he had known what I had done and what I was doing-I could never have told him.