Darling, did I know what I was doing? God, no, I didn’t. The only thing I was sure of was that my body wanted it, had wanted it from the first moment we had seen each other, and now I could justify my desire with something else.
It was my only chance to get what I wanted, and if that required using my body to get it, I was willing to do it.
He kissed me again, harder this time and began to rip my shirt off. I wanted to protest but before I could do so he had ripped it off , leaving me with only my bra. And then that was gone, too, and he sucked my nipple into his mouth. I cried out in surprise and lust, and didn’t even have time to catch my breath when Growl staggered to his feet. Confusion coursed through me. Was he leaving? Had I done something wrong? I thought he wanted me even more than I wanted him.
I looked up at him, feeling shame rise inside me, but then I saw him fumbling with his belt and lowering his pants . His cock came free, already big and glistening at the tip. Warmth spread between my legs at the sight, despite the pain I still felt.
With his cock at attention, he moved closer.
It was at eye level and I finally had an idea of what he was up to. Nerves throbbed in my stomach. I wasn’t sure if I could do it and if I would enjoy it. Growl didn’t give me much time for uncertainty, though. He stopped right in front of me, his cock inches from my face. It smelled clean and part of me wondered what it would taste like. Growl had apparently enjoyed what he had done to me the day before, especially how I tasted. I looked up at him again.
His hand ran through my hair and rested on the nape of my neck. He pushed me forward gently until my lips grazed his tip. That was wrong, wasn’t it? Growl saw nothing in me but something that gave him pleasure. For a moment my instinct told me to clench my jaw, but then I let him slide into my mouth. It tasted slightly salty, but not in a bad way.
Lust flashed in his eyes.
My body flushed with euphoria and a new wave of heat gathered between my legs. I should not have lusted, I should not have enjoyed it. It was wrong on so many levels, but as Growl’s movements became harder, as his length slid in and out of my mouth faster, my hands gripped his butt seemingly of their own free will. His muscles flexed under my fingers, hard and relentless.
His thrusts became jerky and then he released himself inside me with a low moan. I had difficulty swallowing around him , but he did not stop thrusting inside me. He slowed down gradually, still trembling. His eyes met mine and I shuddered. I tried to pull back, but his hands held me still. After a moment, he slid his length out of my mouth inch by inch. He was still hard, but smaller than before. He took a step back and my face became unbearably hot as shame swept over me for what he had made me do, for what I had done, even for what I had enjoyed doing.
God. If my mother knew. If anyone knew. I knew what Trish and Anastasia would have said about me. They would have called me a dirty slut. My mixed emotions made me feel like I had a split personality.
Suddenly the taste of her made me feel dirty. I could barely keep myself from spitting on the ground. Rough hands pulled me to my feet and wrapped me against his body. Before I had a chance to react, he stuck his tongue in my mouth, savoring me, savoring himself.
My knees weakened as he explored my mouth.
He didn’t mind tasting himself? I thought men would find it disgusting. He sucked my lower lip into his mouth, then released it with a thud. “Your mouth tastes fucking perfect with my cum in it,” he growled.
Embarrassment swept over me again, but Growl knew no mercy. He slipped a finger inside me and I gasped first from discomfort, then from something else, something incredible.
He curled his fingers deep inside me and I could feel nerve endings inside me that I had never felt before. Growl began to slide his fingers in and out slowly, and I felt ashamed at how easy his path was, wet, hot, and eager. Giving him pleasure had turned me on. Was it normal to be so aroused by something so dirty? My forehead fell against his strong chest. I could no longer hold myself up, could not even stand on my own legs. The sensations held me in their stronghold. Growl’s thumb stroked my knot of nerves, again bordering on almost painful. My whole body resonated with desire.
A cry remained on the tip of my tongue, but I bit it, pressed my lips against the rough fabric of Growl’s shirt. I could control the sounds I made, but my body trembled under the wave of sensation sweeping over it. Everything was silent except Growl’s rapid breathing and my own.
I swallowed, trying to make sense of what had just happened.
But once again Growl did not give me time to think.
He let go of me and I almost lost my balance.
“I’m going to order a pizza. What do you want?” was his practical question as he grabbed the phone.
I felt as if someone had dunked me in water. Now that the pleasure was fading, guilt, shame, and loneliness reared their ugly heads again. The brief moments of passion had made me forget what kind of deal this was, what kind of man Growl was. I was nothing more than his whore, cheaper than the ones he usually used in Falcone’s brothels, and unlike them, I hadn’t even pretended to like what he was doing. Stop. You are doing what is necessary, I reminded myself.
I let myself fall back onto the couch. My legs were shaking and I felt drained, emotionally and physically. I had to make a decision. Either I was going to go through with this and try to get Growl to trust me like that, or I was going to have to find a way out of that situation without him. I didn’t. I needed him.
“Darling?” repeated Growl. Hearing my name from his mouth always sent a shiver down my spine. That voice, so deep and rough. “What should I order for you?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t care. Pizza was the last thing on my mind at that moment. It was obvious that Growl liked being with me physically, but emotionally I wasn’t going anywhere. He would always shut down after sex. As if he couldn’t handle the physical closeness after the actual act.
I wasn’t sure how to change the situation. The worst thing was that I really wanted to be close to him. The physical closeness of sex made me want even more closeness afterwards.
Growl sighed. “I’ll get you some tuna,” he said. “You have to eat enough or you’ll get sick.” At least in a way he was concerned about my physical well-being . Although he was probably just taking care of his possessions. “I don’t think food will be the reason I get sick,” I muttered. Growl said nothing, but I thought perhaps he had taken the hint. It was hard to tell because his eyes were always blank or guarded, and his expression was always the same. He picked up the phone and ordered two pizzas, still completely naked. I couldn’t stop myself from admiring his muscular butt. When she turned around, for the first time I could read the inked text on her breasts. Until now I had always been too busy with other things. The huge black letters read “I will bathe in the blood of my enemies and feed on their fear.” Martial words ran across Growl’s entire broad chest.
Why had he chosen them ? To remind himself of who he was ? Maybe it had something to do with how he got his scar, but I still wasn’t sure how to broach the subject without shutting him down completely. It was obvious he didn’t like to talk about the subject or people would know the facts. Growl picked up his pants from the floor and put them on. My T-shirt was torn and I wasn’t really in the mood to wear my skinny jeans. “Do you have a T-shirt for me?” For a moment Growl seemed stunned by the request , but then he went to his room and returned with a black T-shirt. He handed it to me with an almost hesitant expression. I got up and took it from him, then slipped it off my head. It came down to my knees but was very comfortable. I could feel Growl’s eyes on me the whole time. If I wasn’t mistaken, there was melancholy on his face. Why? What was he thinking? His expression became blank. I stifled a sigh and let myself fall onto the sofa. Growl sat down next to me. Close enough that I could smell his musky scent mixed with sex but without touching me. “Why don’t you buy the kitchen furniture so we can eat there?” I asked when it became clear that he didn’t mind sitting in absolute silence. His head had to be an incredibly exciting place considering how much time he spent there. “I’ve never needed it. I don’t eat breakfast and I can drink coffee standing up. And we can sit in the living room, ” Growl said, pointing to the table in front of us. “I know, but it would be more comfortable to sit in the kitchen than in front of a TV with a table that barely reaches our knees.” Growl shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t need much.” It was true. “Don’t you ever have guests?” “I don’t have guests.” “What about family?” I was treading on risky ground, but it was time to find out more about the man who controlled my body in a frightening way. “I have no family.” His words reminded me that my family was at risk. I could not imagine being without a family. Just the thought stung my chest. I would have done anything to save the family I had left. I moved a little closer to Growl and pressed my hand to his chest. Growl peered at me, then at my hand. He seemed uncertain how to react. I could see that he was uncomfortable, but he did not push me away. “Haven’t you ever had a family?” I asked to distract myself from my concern for my family and the way my body was coming back to life just by touching Growl’s chest. My fingers traced the many rigs on Growl’s chest, finding new paths on his body again and again. Tracing his muscles and scars was a good way to calm my nervous mind. As long as my fingers remained in motion, my brain seemed to slow down a bit. “I had a mother,” she said quietly. My fingers locked on his collarbone, surprised by his words. I would have thought she would have avoided the subject. Did this mean she had begun to trust me? My gaze shifted to his face, but he was looking at the ceiling with an unreadable expression. He did not want me to see his eyes, which only made me even more curious to see them. “What happened to her?” Silence reigned between us for a long time, and I began to worry that I had ruined my chance to earn Growl’s trust when he finally said, “She died.” “How?” I asked. Growl’s hand went up to her throat, but he did not touch himself there. He seemed to avoid touching his throat at all, not just the scar. “Did the person who cut your throat kill her?” I hazarded a guess . For a moment, Growl was silent and even seemed to have stopped breathing. “He did. He killed her right in front of me. He made me watch as she bled to death. He even cut her throat. But first mine to punish her. He thought I would die quickly, but my mother died within a minute and I stayed alive.” He looked almost sorry, as if he wished he had died that day. My mouth went dry. “What about your father? Where was he?” “He didn’t die.” Why didn’t he answer my second question? “I can’t believe anyone would do that to an innocent child.” I traced the letters on his chest. These words, all the scary tattoos, everything was starting to make sense. “I wasn’t innocent, even then.” His words rumbled in his chest, I could feel them against the palm of my hand. “Why did you say that? How old were you then?””Five.” God, how could anyone hurt a five-year-old like that? People called Growl a monster, even I thought so , but anyone who almost killed Growl as a child was much worse. “Everyone is innocent at that age. No one is born bad. You were so little. Why didn’t you try to hunt down the person who did this to you? You are no longer the child you used to be, now you have knowledge and power. I’m sure Falcone wouldn’t have minded if you went to avenge your mother.” A short laugh vibrated in his chest. It made the hairs on my arms stand up. “Falcone would care.” “Why? Is he someone he does business with?” Growl met my gaze straight on, and the expression in his eyes raised a horrible suspicion in my mind. But I could not be right…. “Falcone was the man who did all this,” Growl said, pointing to his throat. I removed my hand from his chest. “So,” I said slowly. It was hard to find the right words, or any words, really. “Falcone killed your mother and wanted to kill you too, and you decided to work for him?” I wanted to understand it, but how could I understand such a thing? It was so far from normal. It left me speechless . Growl nodded almost imperceptibly. His face was impassive, but there was a flicker of something in his eyes that I would not have noticed a few days before. I was becoming more perceptive and getting used to the small changes in his facial expressions. “Why?” I whispered. Why would anyone want to work for such a man? Perhaps something had been irreparably damaged when Growl had had to watch this at such a young age. Part of me wanted to reach out to that hurt little boy and hold him tightly in a hug and tell him that everything would be all right. But first, I wasn’t sure if that boy was still hiding somewhere in Growl or if he had shriveled with time and the horrors he had witnessed. And second, I knew I would be lying to that boy. Few things would go right in Growl’s life. That boy would have been turned into a monster through abuse and cruelty. Perhaps it would have been better if he had not survived in the first place. Not only to spare him the horrors of his life, but also to save the many people he had tortured and killed for Falcone. I had given up on an answer from Growl when he said, “Because he is my father.” I inhaled deeply. “Falcone?” I asked because it seemed impossible. I did not doubt that Falcone had many mistresses besides his wife. A man like him could not be faithful. But it simply seemed impossible that word had not leaked out. That people would not mention Falcone’s name in a breath with Growl, that bastard. My eyes scanned Growl’s face, but if there was anything of Falcone in his features, it was not clear to me. He nodded again. “That was one of the reasons he wanted to get rid of me. And why he killed my mother. He threatened to tell people. Falcone doesn’t let anyone threaten him.” “He killed your mother. The woman he had a child with,” I said slowly. Growl did not react. “How could he do such a thing? What kind of monster would do such a thing?”
I grimaced, suddenly worried that I had gone too far. For some ridiculous reason, Growl was loyal to his cruel father. “A monster like me,” he muttered. “Like father, like son?” Growl shrugged his shoulders. I could tell he was done with our conversation, but I was too flustered to drop the subject so quickly. “Maybe you shouldn’t take your father’s horrible nature as an excuse to be a monster yourself. Maybe you should strive to be better.” He let out a low sigh, which could have been laughter, I wasn’t sure. “I’m not joking.” He stood up. “I am not a monster because of my father. I am a monster because I chose to be one.” I doubted that was the truth. He was a little boy when he had experienced horrors that even grown men could hardly imagine. “It’s never too late to change and make up for your mistakes.” Growl shook his head.
“You’re naive if you think that’s an option. I will not change. I don’t want to. My life is good the way it is.” “You are working for the man who killed your mother. I don’t think you can live with that.” “I have been doing this for a long time.” “If I were you, I would want revenge.” Growl smiled darkly. “But you are not me. And you don’t know me.” He turned and walked out of the room. A second later I heard the back door open and close. He was right. I did not know him. Yet. But today he had handed me a few pieces of the puzzle that was him, and I was determined to get the remaining pieces as well.