188

A tall figure with a familiar frame loomed ahead.
Romero. He had not seen me yet, but his eyes scanned his ‘surroundings. They passed right over the spot where I was hiding and he was about to turn around. I could have stayed hidden, alone with my anger, misery and sadness, but suddenly I didn’t want him anymore. For some reason, I wanted Romero to find me. He had not faked tears and was not a family member; he was safe. I silently cleared my throat, but of course a man like Romero didn’t miss it. He turned and his eyes rested on me. He walked toward me, opened the gate and entered with his head bowed because he was too tall to stand. He held out his hand to me. I searched his eyes for the pity I hated so much, but he seemed simply concerned and perhaps even as if he cared. I wasn’t sure what to make of his concern when not long before he had done his best to stay away from me.
I slipped my hand into his and his fingers closed around me before he pulled me to my feet. The momentum of the movement catapulted me directly into Romero’s arms. I should have pulled back. He should have pushed me back . We didn’t.
It felt good to be so close to someone, to feel his warmth, something my life seemed so devoid of recently. He came slowly out of the safe, taking me with him, still holding me close.
“We’ve been looking for you for almost an hour,” Romero said softly, concerned, but all I could focus on was how close his lips were and how much he smelled. “Your father will be happy to know that you are safe.”
My father. Anger rose up inside me at how he had behaved over the past few months. I was so tired of being angry, of not knowing where to go with my anger. I stood up on tiptoe, closed my eyes and pressed my lips against Romero’s.
It was the third time I had done this. It seemed that I had never learned, but I was no longer even afraid of rejection. I was so numb inside, there was no way anything could hurt me again.
Romero’s hand went up to my shoulders as if he wanted to push me away, but then he simply laid them there, warm and strong. He did not try to deepen the kiss, but our lips moved against each other. There was only a light touch and even that ended too quickly. Something slid down my cheeks and caught on my lips. I never imagined that my first real kiss would taste like tears. I sank back onto my heels and my eyes went wide. I was too exhausted, too sad, too angry, to be embarrassed by my actions.
Romero scrutinized my face, his dark eyebrows furrowed . “Lily,” he began, but then I began to cry for real, big tears streaming down my cheeks. I buried my face against Romero’s chest. He grabbed the back of my head and let me sob. In the safety of Romero’s arms I dared to give space to my sadness, not afraid it would swallow me whole. I knew Romero would not let me. Perhaps it was a ridiculous idea, but I believed that Romero would keep me safe from everything. I had tried to forget him, I had tried to move on, to find someone new to focus my crush on, but they had never succeeded.
“We should go back. Your father must be worried sick by now.”
“He’s not worried about me. He’s only worried about how bad I make him look,” I said softly, pulling back. I wiped my cheeks. Romero brushed away a lock that had stuck to my wet skin. We were still close, but now that I had a better grip on my emotions I took a step back, ashamed of the way I had thrown myself at Romero. Again. I was glad I couldn’t read his mind. I didn’t want to know what he thought of me now.
Romero’s phone rang, and after an apologetic smile toward me, he answered it. “Yes, I have it. We’ll be there in a moment.”
I stared at an elderly man standing in front of a grave. His lips were moving and he was leaning heavily on a walking stick. I had a feeling he was talking to his deceased wife, telling her how his days had been, how much he longed to be reunited with her again. That was never going to be my father. He seemed to have already recovered from my mother’s death.
Romero touched my shoulder lightly and I almost flew back into his arms, but this time I was strong. “Are you ready to go back?”
Ready? No. I didn’t want to see my father or the fake mourning. I didn’t want to hear another word of pity. “Yes.”
Neither of us mentioned the kiss as we walked back toward my mother’s grave. Romero had kissed me, or let me kiss him out of pity, that was the hard truth of the situation. Luca and Aria were the only people waiting for us.
Aria rushed toward me and wrapped me in a tight hug. “Are you okay?”
I felt sick instantly. She, too, had lost our mother.
She was sad, too, and now she had to worry about me on top of everything else. “Yes, I just needed a moment alone.”
Aria nodded understandingly. “Dad and the other guests have moved to the house for the funeral feast.
We should go there too, or Dad will get even more upset.”
I nodded. Aria gave Romero a look that I struggled to decipher. Then she led me toward the car, her arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders. Luca and Romero followed me. I no longer turned to look at Mom’s grave; I knew it would be too much for me.
“What was that look you gave Romero?” I asked softly as we sat in the back seat.
Aria made an innocent face, but I didn’t believe it.
I knew her too well, even though we were not as close as we used to be because of the distance between us. She sighed. “I told him to stay away from you.”
“What did you do?” I hissed. Luca looked over his shoulder at us, and I lowered my voice even more. I hoped he hadn’t heard what I had said. Romero seemed busy finding a good radio station.
“Why did you do that?” I asked in a barely audible whisper.
“Lily, I don’t want you to get hurt. You think Romero will make you happier and help you with the sadness, but it will only make things worse. Maybe you think you’ve fallen in love with him, but you shouldn’t confuse loneliness with something else.”
I stared at my sister in disbelief. “I’m not an idiot. I know my feelings.”
Aria took my hand. “Please don’t be angry, Lily. I just want to protect you.”
Everyone always said they wanted to protect me. I wondered from what. From life?
*** Two days later, Aria, Gianna, Matteo, Romero and Luca left for New York. I wasn’t sure when I would see them again. Aria had asked Father if I could visit them for a couple of weeks in the summer, but he had refused with a not-so-subtle look in Gianna’s direction. I had made a good impression; I had told them I would be busy spending time with my friends and taking care of Fabi.
Romero hadn’t even hugged me goodbye, and he and I never had a chance to talk privately. Maybe it was better that I couldn’t ask him about the kiss.
Aria called me the same night, trying to make sure I was really okay. I wasn’t fine, but I didn’t tell him that.
Instead I learned to do things by inertia, trying to pretend that things were fine. But my friends were on vacation or busy with family matters, and I spent my days alone in our house, with only the maid and my old bodyguard for company. Father and Fabi were almost always away, and when they returned they shared new secrets they could not tell me about, and even in their presence I felt lonely. The loneliness one feels when surrounded by people was the worst.
I often spent hours sitting in the chair next to the bed where my mother had died, thinking about her last words and wondering how I could keep my promise. My father had not allowed me to go to college, had not allowed me to visit New York, had not wanted me to party with my friends. All I could do was wait for something to happen, for life to happen. Maybe if my mother had not died my father would have spent the summer introducing me to potential husbands and I would have had to plan a wedding in the near future. Even that seemed preferable to the way my life was unfolding now, with nothing to look forward to.
Romero Luca, Matteo and I were playing cards when Aria’s cell phone rang. She sat on the couch with Gianna, drinking wine and laughing.
The moment Aria started talking, I knew something was wrong. Luca also put down his cards.
“Why didn’t you call earlier? You should have sent her with us right away!”
Luca stood up.
“You can talk to me, too,” Aria said, then looked at Luca. “My father wants to talk to you.” She handed him the phone and Luca took it, casting a worried look at his wife.
Gianna crossed the room toward her sister. “What’s going on?”
I had a bad feeling.
“Lily fainted today. Apparently she hasn’t eaten much since the funeral.”
I got up from the chair. “Is she okay?”
Aria nodded. “Physically, yes. Father called a doctor and said she needs to eat and drink more. But it’s more than that. From what Dad said, Lily has been alone almost all the time since we left. No one has taken care of her. I can’t believe I let Father talk me into leaving her there. I should have taken her to New York with me right away.”
“On my honor, nothing will happen to Liliana when she is here. She will be well protected. I will make sure of that,” Luca said. Then he listened to everything Scuderi had to say from the other side. “I am aware of that. Believe me, Liliana will be as safe as she was in Chicago.” He listened again and then hung up.
Aria rushed toward him. “E? Will you allow her to come here?”
Luca smiled tensely. “He agreed to let her spend the whole summer here, maybe even beyond. He seemed really concerned about her.”
“Really? That’s great!” said Aria, beaming.
“I doubt he’s doing it because he’s worried, but who cares as long as he lets her stay with us,” said Gianna.
“When is he coming?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant, as if I were just a worried soldier making sure he could perform his duties as a bodyguard.
Luke’s expression made it clear that he didn’t believe it for a second, but Aria was too immersed in her euphoria to pay attention. “Tomorrow afternoon.”
“He’ll stay in our apartment, right?” asked Aria.
Luca nodded. “I told your father I would personally make sure he was safe.”
“You mean he doesn’t go out and have fun or God forbid stain his purity,” muttered Gianna.
“Yes, that,” Luca said in a practical tone. “And since war with the Outfit might be the result if I don’t keep my promise, I will do everything in my power to make sure she has only very little fun.” Again her eyes found me and I had to suppress a curse. He did not even know about the kiss Lily and I had exchanged in the cemetery. I wondered how much worse it would be if she really knew.
“We could spend the summer in the Hamptons. It’s too hot and muggy in the city and we don’t use the mansion often enough anyway.” Aria touched Luca’s forearm and fixed him with one of her looks that always struck him. “Please, Luca? I don’t want Lily stuck in the apartment. In the Hamptons we can lie by the pool, swim in the ocean, and take trips on our boat.”
“Okay, okay,” Luca said with a resigned air. “But Matteo and I can’t stay with you all the time. We have a lot of things to take care of right now. Romero and Sandro will have to keep you safe while we’re gone.”
Aria ventured a glance in my direction. She probably wondered if it was a good idea to have me near her sister, and actually I wondered that too.