187

Liliana Someone was shaking me. I opened my eyes but at first everything was blurry.
“Lily, get up. “I think Mother is going to die,” Aria said in a panicked voice. I stood up in a rush, my head spinning.
Aria was already coming out of my room, probably to wake the others. One of us had always sat by Mom’s bed to make sure she was never alone. Tonight it had been Aria’s turn. I untangled myself from the covers, slipped out of bed, and hurried to the bedroom down the hall. The smell of antiseptic and disinfectant greeted me even before I entered, but my nose had gotten used to that pungent stench by now. Gianna was already inside, perched on the edge of the bed. Mother’s eyes were closed and for a moment I was sure it was too late and she was already dead.
Then I saw the slow rise and fall of her chest. I approached the bed hesitantly. Gianna barely cast me a glance. She was staring grimly into my lap. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders from behind and pressed our cheeks together.
“I hate this,” Gianna whispered.
“Where’s the nurse?”
“She left so we could say goodbye in peace. She gave Mom another dose of morphine so she could go without pain.”
Aria and Fabi entered the room. Fabi had a brave face and, gosh, he looked so grown up. He was already taller than Aria. Luca was standing in the hallway but did not enter, instead closing the door, leaving us privacy.
Mom’s breathing was shallow, barely perceptible. Her eyes moved back and forth under her eyelids as if she were watching a movie in her head. Not much time would pass.
Fabi gripped the foot of the bed, her knuckles turned white.
There were tears in her eyes but her face was stone. I knew that look, that posture;
I turned away. Aria approached us. “How is she?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that question.
Gianna gave me a lightning look. “Where is Dad? He should be here!”
She had spoken softly but Aria and I still ventured a worried glance at Mom. She didn’t need to fret in the last moments of her life. My stomach contracted painfully and for a second I was certain I would have to run to the bathroom to throw up. Death was part of our lives, especially when growing up in our world. I had attended countless funerals in recent years, but almost all of them were of people I barely knew.
“I don’t know,” Aria admitted. “I knocked on her door and even went inside, but it didn’t look like she had slept in her bed at all.” Gianna and I exchanged a look. Was she really with one of his whores tonight? My mother had felt very weak the day before, so it was no surprise that tonight might be the night. He should have stayed home to be with her . “Do you know where she is? You’ve been acting like her best friend the last few days,” Gianna muttered with a frown in Fabi’s direction. He stiffened. “He doesn’t tell me where he’s going. And I’m not his best friend, but as his only son, I have responsibilities.” Gianna stood up and I had no choice but to let her go. “Oh my God, what kind of bullshit is this. I can’t believe it,” she hissed. “Gianna,” Aria said in warning. “Stop. Not here, not now.” “It doesn’t matter that Dad’s not here,” I said firmly. “We are here for her. We are the most important people in her life, not him.” That was the last time we mentioned Dad that night. Hours passed with Mom’s state remaining the same, and occasionally my eyes closed, but then her breathing changed. I sat down in the chair and took her hand. “Mom?” I asked . Aria held her other hand. Gianna did not move from her place on the chair in the corner. Her legs were pressed against her chest, her chin resting on her knees. Fabi had fallen asleep with his cheek on the wooden foot of the bed. I reached out and elbowed him. He jerked up in his chair. Mom’s eyelids fluttered as if she was about to open them . I held my breath, hoping he would look at us one more time, maybe even say something, but then his breathing slowed even more. I wasn’t sure how much longer it took. I lost track of time as I monitored Mom’s chest, the way she barely moved, until she stopped altogether. Fabi ran outside to get the ‘nurse, but I did not need her to tell me what I already knew; our mother was gone. The nurse moved around us, and then with a sad nod, disappeared again. I let go of Mother’s hand, stood up from my chair and took a step back. Aria did not move, still clutching Mom’s hand. One moment Mom was there and the next she was gone. Just like that a life ended, and with it the dreams and hopes of that person. Life was so short, every moment could be the last. Mother had told me to be happy, but in our world happiness was not something easily obtained. Aria leaned her head on the edge of the bed, sobbing without making a sound. Fabi, like me, pulled back. He seemed unable to comprehend what had happened. Gianna walked over to Aria, for the first time in hours approached the bed and put a hand on her shoulder. She did not even dignify Mom with a glance, and I could tell. Gianna’s relationship with our mother had always been difficult and only got worse when Mom realized how horribly Dad had treated her after she ran away. In the days following her arrival here, Gianna’s feelings had often changed from one second to the next. After a moment, Aria stood up and pressed a kiss to Mom’s forehead. To my surprise, Gianna did the same, although she quickly moved away from the bed. I could only stare at her. I knew I should have kissed Mom’s forehead and said a final goodbye, but I could not bring myself to touch that lifeless corpse. That was no longer her.
It was something empty and lifeless. I staggered out of the room. My throat was tight and my eyes were burning. I wanted to run and not stop, but in the hallway I bumped into Romero. If he hadn’t grabbed my shoulders, I would have fallen. I gasped . Panic was slowly tightening around my body like a vice. “Take her away,” Luca ordered. I hadn’t even noticed him. “What about Aria’s order?” “I don’t give a damn.” Romero wrapped an arm around my waist and led me down the corridor. I was still trying to breathe air into my lungs, but it was no use. My legs gave out. “Hey,” Romero said in a persuasive voice. “Sit down.” He guided me to the floor and helped me put my head between my legs as he drew soothing circles on my back. The feel of his warm hand soothed me. “Just breathe,” he murmured. “It’s okay.” His voice pulled me out of the black hole that wanted to consume me, and eventually my breathing returned to normal.
“She’s dead,” I whispered when I was sure I could speak. Romero paused in stroking my back. “I’m sorry.” I nodded, barely holding back new tears. “Dad wasn’t there. I don’t know where he is. He should have been there for her in her last moments!” Anger made me feel good, better than sadness. “Yes, he should have. Maybe Dante called him away.” I cast a grim glance at Romero. “Dante wouldn’t have done that, not in the middle of the night, not when he knows our mother is so sick. No, Father didn’t want to be here when Mother died. He has barely visited her since she got worse. He’s a selfish bastard and he’s probably screwing one of his whores right now.” Romero smiled darkly. “Sometimes I forget that you are now an adult and know the ugly sides of our world.” “You better not forget,” I said. “I know more than you all think.” “I don’t doubt it,” he said. For a moment we just stared at each other. I felt calmer now. “Thank you,” I said simply. Romero moved his hand away from my back. I wished he hadn’t. His touch had made me feel good. He straightened up and held out his hand to me. I took it and he pulled me to my feet. The door to Mama’s room opened and Aria stepped out, her eyes resting on Romero and me. He let go of my hand, gave me an encouraging smile before going to Aria to tell her how sorry he was for Mom’s death. Aria nodded but then her eyes darted back to me. Her cheeks were wet with tears. I walked over to her and hugged her. Romero took this as a signal to leave but before she turned the corner she looked over her shoulder and our eyes met. The cold, empty feeling in my chest subsided and something warm and more hopeful took its place. Then he disappeared from my sight. I was about to go after him, but my sisters needed me now. Footsteps were heard behind us and then Luke walked toward us, lowering the phone from his ear. “Isn’t he answering the phone? Have you tried texting him?” asked Aria as she turned away from me and hurried toward her husband. Luca grimaced. “Yes, I’ve sent him two messages, but he still hasn’t answered and he’s not returning my calls. I doubt he will be back soon.”
I went back to my mother’s bedroom even though my body was reeling at the very idea, but Aria needed some time with her husband. I was only going to be the fifth wheel. Before closing the door, I saw Luca cradling my sister’s face and kissing her eyelids.
That was love and devotion. He would not have left her if she were dying. He was not a good man, but he was a good husband. I prayed that I would be as lucky someday. I could not live the life my mother had, with a cold husband who did not care about me.
I knew Romero would not be like that. But it was not that my father would choose him as a husband. Gianna had returned to her chair but was talking on the phone in a low voice, probably to Matthew. She, too, had found someone. Fabi had left.
I didn’t want to interrupt Gianna, so I went to find my little brother. I found him in his room, sitting at his desk, polishing one of his many combat knives. They were already polished. “Do you want to talk?” I asked. He didn’t even look up, just pressed his lips together. I waited, then nodded. “Okay. But if you change your mind , I’m in my room.” Romero waited outside. He nodded toward my brother.
“Do you want me to talk to him? Maybe he needs someone who is not a family member.” “You mean not a woman,” I said bitterly, but then swallowed my emotions. “You’re probably right. She would rather talk to you than to me.” Romero looked like he wanted to say more, but then he passed me and headed toward my brother. “Do you need help polishing your collection?” Fabi raised his head sharply.
Admiration crossed his pale face. He said nothing, but handed Romero a rag. Romero perched on the edge of the desk and unsheathed his knife from its holster. A long, curved blade that looked absolutely deadly. Fabi’s eyes lit up and he rose from his chair to take a closer look. “Wow,” he whispered . “I should probably polish it first. Your knives are in much better condition.” “That’s because they’re just for show,” Fabi said. “But yours is a weapon, it’s real. How many have you killed with it?” I quickly closed the door. I had had enough killing for one night. I didn’t want to know how many Romero had caused in his lifetime. I lowered my gaze to the bedroom where my mother’s corpse was waiting to be taken away, then turned and headed for my room. Aria had Luca, Gianna had Matteo, and for the time being Fabi also had Romero, but I would deal with it on my own. I had been doing this for weeks and months now. Romero I wanted to be there for Lily, I wanted to comfort her, but I respected Aria’s wishes. She had been through enough shit herself and did not need the added pain of worrying about her sister.
Instead I showed Fabiano how to wield my knife, how to draw a long blade as fast as a short one. It was easy to distract him from his sadness. But damn it, he wasn’t the one who needed me most. He needed you? Damn, if I started thinking like that now, I’d get in big trouble. Lily was not my responsibility, and he certainly didn’t need me. Fabi pulled the knife out of the holster I had lent him and smiled at how quickly he had done it. I used to be like that, eager to learn everything about fighting, about winning. Anxious to prove my worth. My father had been a small-time collector, someone who had never had a chance to talk directly to the Chief. I wanted to be better, to prove my worth to him and to myself. Fabiano had great expectations on his shoulders, had many ways to fail, but very few options to excel. “I have to go to Luca now,” I finally said. Fabi nodded and settled back in his chair. He took a cloth and cleaned the same knife again. I imagined that he had spent the whole night that way and perhaps the next few days as well. I went out and headed for the stairs, but stopped in front of Liliana’s door, listening for a noise. Maybe I wanted to hear crying so I could rush in and console her, be her fucking knight in armor. I went ahead.
CHAPTER SIX Liliana I was deathly pale in mourning. Aria, Gianna and I wore the same modest black dress and ballet flats, our hair pulled back in a bun. I wore no makeup, though the shadows under my eyes were frightening. Father had planned a huge funeral: an expensive oak coffin, a sea of beautiful flowers, only the best food for the next feast. He acted like the devastated widower everyone expected to see. It was a wonderful sight. He should have been there for Mom when she really needed him. It was just to impress people and maybe make him feel better. Even a man like him had to feel guilty for abandoning his dying wife. The funeral was an important thing in our world. Father was an important man, so Mother’s death was a social event. Everyone wanted to attend and everyone cried crocodile tears as they expressed their condolences. My eyes were as dry as sand. I could see people casting glances at me, waiting for me to cry for my mother, to show the reaction everyone expected from me. But I could not cry. I did not want to cry , I was not surrounded by so many people with their fake tears. They pretended to have loved my mother, to have known her, but none of these people had visited her when she was housebound. To them she had died long before she died. The moment she had no longer been the opulent lady of good society, they had abandoned her like a dirty rag. They made me sick, all of them. My father put his arms around Fabi’s shoulders and mine as he led us toward the coffin. I shuddered under his touch.
I didn’t think he realized that it was revulsion at his closeness that caused my reaction, because he actually squeezed my shoulder. It took incredible self-control to stay where I was and not tear me away from him. The priest began his prayer as the coffin was slowly lowered into the hole. I peeked through my eyelashes and met Romero’s gaze at the grave. Unlike Luke and Matthew, who had flown in for the funeral, Romero was not allowed to be on this side with our family. His expression was solemn as we looked at each other, but then he lowered his gaze to the coffin. He had been avoiding me for the last few days. When I entered the room he was in, he usually left with a silly excuse. It was obvious he couldn’t stand my presence and didn’t know how to tell me. Now everyone was walking on eggshells around my brothers and me. I wished she would have told me the truth. I could have handled it. Dad led us back to the other mourners, away from Mom’s grave, and finally let me go. I let out a silent breath, happy to be out of the spotlight and away from my father. The moment people began to make their way to the coffin to say their final goodbyes, I walked away. No one stopped me. No one even seemed to notice. They were busy putting on their show. I turned and did not turn back. I ran down the path, away from the grave, sending pebbles flying as my feet pounded the ground. I wasn’t even sure where I was going. The cemetery was huge; there were plenty of places to find peace and silence. I reached a part that was even more opulent than the part where my mother had been buried. Rows and rows of old family graves surrounded me. Most of them were locked, but one of the iron gates was ajar. I headed that way and, after making sure no one was watching me, opened it and slipped inside. It was cool in the tomb and the smell of mold reached my nostrils. Everything was made of gray marble. I slowly sank down and sat with my back against the cold wall. At moments like this I understood why Gianna had run away . I had never had the desire to leave this life forever, but sometimes I wanted to run away at least for a while. I knew that sooner or later someone would notice I was missing and come looking for me, but I didn’t even care that my father would be angry with me. It took less than an hour before I heard someone calling my name in the distance. I opened my lips to answer, but no sound came out. I leaned my head against the marble and peered through the bars of the iron gate. So often in my life I had felt surrounded by invisible bars, and now I sought shelter behind them. A bitter smile twisted my lips. Footsteps creaked outside the safe. I held my breath as someone appeared on the horizon outside the gate.