Whining at the pain in my head, I begrudgingly forced my eyes open. Taking a moment to regather consciousness, I sit staring at the bathroom door. Sitting. Staring. Waiting. Imagining what it would be like if the ceiling collapsed down on me right now. That would be nice, I would like that very much.
Letting out a frustrated grunt I stomped over to the bathroom. My bladdery-needs forgotten once I catch a glimpse of the red skin on my neck. I recoiled as my fingers traced over the raw flesh. I hadn’t realised how tight his grip was last night being too busy losing consciousness from the injection. The injection….
This little shit stabbed me with his drug stick. Overcome with anger I stormed out of the room, hyping myself up to give him a piece of my mind. Maybe throw some hands. Making sure my feet made an excessive amount of noise as I trudged towards the sound of his voice. He was in the kitchen, perfect, more weapon choice for me.
Shoving myself into the kitchen door, hand raised, mouth open ready to expel some very nasty words at him. “Boy, do I have some words to say to-“. I was on too much of a buzz to even contemplate where all this courage had come from but as quickly and intensely as it came, it abandoned me. Like a deer caught in headlights, I froze at the scene in front of me.
Noah laughing and conversing with three other very tall, very intimidating looking men. Three scary looking men in suits, with guns. I could feel my knees go weak as all eyes landed on me. Smirks plastered on all faces but one, Noah’s.
At some point during this morning I had failed to realise I was still in my thin, short, practically see-through pyjamas and at another point this morning I was starting to realise that I was very much coming to regret my impulsive decision to chase Noah down.
Of course, of course it would be me who waltzes into the kitchen, barely wearing pants and interrupts the conversation of four men who could probably kill me more ways than I could ever think of.
“I-, sorry, I didn’t know y-you had company” the lump in my throat grew at Noah’s stoic features. My stomach sank as I caught one of the men looking me up and down, and not in a kid friendly way. The bile retching it’s way up my throat as a wolf whistle resonated around the kitchen, “well aren’t you a lucky man, Hill.”
Noah’s eyes never left mine as I silently begged him to save me. “I see you two had some fun last night” laughter booming throughout the air. It was only then I realised my hand unconsciously shadowing my throat protectively. “That was just practice, you know we save the good stuff for the wedding night” my heart thrumming painfully against my ribcage once my brain registered it was Noah who said that.
He was laughing at me with them. My lip was trapped painfully between my teeth as I forced the tears back. ‘Good stuff’? He wasn’t talking about- no, he couldn’t have been, right? “You aren’t trying to say you’ve had her this long and she’s still a virgin, f*ck Hill, I’m impressed.”
I couldn’t hear anything past the blaring alarm ringing in my mind. The room seemed to be getting smaller, I couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t I breathe? Clutching a hand to my chest I tried to get rid of the piercing pain that showed no sign of stopping.
“Oh, there you are Embry darling, I’ve been looking for you everywhere”. Evelyn. Heaving, I gasped for air. The panic of not being able to breathe mixed with the one of my environment. “Embry” “sweetie” “calm down” Evelyn’s words were reaching my ears but I couldn’t seem to hear. Pulling at the fabric constricting me I blinked to find myself in the bedroom, just Evelyn and I.
Dropping my body to the floor, I curled up in a ball, agony wracking through each nerve and bone of mine. There was no distraction. There was no being saved. I had to ride this one out myself. Every minute was as much of an excruciating one as the last and even when I did regulate my breathing, the pure anxiety continuing to sit heavy within me.
“Embry, darling, talk to me, are you okay?”, looking up I was met with Evelyn’s worried face. “I-” What kind of question was that? I was never okay, I can’t remember the last time anything had been okay. “I’m fine”.
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.
“I didn’t mean t-to scare you, I’m fine now really” I knew I wasn’t even convincing myself as I threw her a weak smile. “Talk to me, when I was in your position, all I ever wanted was to have somebody to talk to.”
“I don’t know, I have no idea” I threw my hands up to my face to catch the tears running down my flushed cheeks. “Is there s-something wrong with me?” One moment I want Noah’s attention, the next I want to murder him with my own two hands. “No, darling, there isn’t anything wrong with you I promise, you can’t blame yourself or think you’re a bad person in this situation”, leaning into her body heat as she wrapped an arm around me, I let myself absorb all the comfort she was giving me. “You’re running on survival mode my dear, nothing about it is going to make any sense to you, at times you’re going to hate the way you act, those moments don’t define who you are.”
“I-I asked for this though , not like this but-” I started, turning to face her.
“Embry, you can’t blame yourself for this, nobody thinks that it’s your fault, nobody-“, pushing myself from her I grimaced at the look of shock on her face.
“No, you don’t- you don’t get it, I wanted this, I sat up at night praying, praying Evelyn, I prayed, I literally asked for this, I just wanted him back, he made everything so easy for me, he made life so exciting.
He killed someone right in front of me, right in front of me, and I’m starting to think I didn’t actually forget about it, it was just something I convinced myself wasn’t real until it left my brain. What kind of person does that make me?”
Taking Evelyn’s nod for me to continue as a green light, I sucked in a breath and proceeded to pour my heart out.
“He faked my death, he burned his initials into my skin, he has brought me nothing but pain and even still, I know that I’ll never be as scared of needles as I am scared of the possibility that if I don’t have Noah, I have nobody.
I just want to be loved.
This isn’t the way I wanted any of this to happen but I’m getting what I deserve because I asked for it. In the kitchen earlier, he was talking about tonight, the wedding night, about having sex, I’m not ready for that but I’m scared of what he will do either way and it’s just becoming too real too fast. What if this is all I was ever meant to be? Just some sort of victim. If the only thing I was ever destined to be was a character in his story”
My sobs were deafening at this stage. Evelyn remained quiet as she let me cry on her shoulder. “You’re okay sweetie, you’re okay”, I clutched onto her warmth as if there was no tomorrow, because it seemed it was never guaranteed for me anymore.
“You are the bravest person I have ever known, and I admire you so much, I honestly believe if I had what you have inside of you, I would have escaped James years ago. But I need you to do something for me, okay sweetie, I want you to look at this situation you are in, and if it was some other poor girl, would you have the same thoughts about her as you do about you?”
“N-no but-“, I didn’t have an argument for it. I know I wouldn’t, and I didn’t know why it’s so different for me, it’s just the way things were. “Just think about that okay? I need to get you up and ready for today, do you think you can manage it?” Wiping the remnants of my tears I stood up alongside Evelyn. “I don’t really have a choice do I?” Smiling sadly at me she took my hand as she led me to my doom.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I balled my hands into fists against the soft white fabric. Such a bittersweet feeling filling my heart as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I had dreamt for so long about wearing a dress just like this, I felt more beautiful than I ever hoped I could. I had even dreamed of me sharing this day with him.
I’d spent far too long daydreaming about this day for it to be under these circumstances. I can’t exactly say I was forced into it, I was the one who popped the big question.
A fabric pattern trailing down my arm, mesh covering different parts of the design. The embroidered V-neck covering enough so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. It felt safe, this one thing connecting me to my old life. My inner child gleaming to see me dressed up like this.
My hair in it’s natural curly style, the only bit of makeup being some foundation covering up the red skin on my neck. “My Embry, you look absolutely breathtaking”, Evelyn clapped, pulling me into a hug, being careful not to ruin my ensemble.
“Thank you, you look really beautiful too Evelyn” I complimented as I admired how the maroon dress hung from her figure. Wiping my hands in the flowing fabric of my dress I internally cursed at how sweaty my hands were becoming.
My heart skipping a beat as two firm knocks on the door were heard. James stepping into the room, his intimidating aura following as he sported a sharp looking black suit. “Everyone is waiting downstairs, are you ready Embry?” Evelyn whispered a quick good luck as she scurried down to take her seat.
Swallowing down the lump in my throat, sending him a quick nod I followed him towards the garden. “No need to be nervous” James smiled softly, was he comforting me? “Well, it’s my first time, you know how it is” I scolded myself at how I just let words rush from my mouth. James’ boisterous laugh easing my nerves slightly.
I gasped as the garden came into view. It was beautiful. A white runway for me to walk up, seats on either side, flowers everywhere. The altar under a veranda of flowers, my heart feeling lighter. I was gobsmacked, it looked so magical. Linking my arm with James’, my heart began to speed up as that familiar tune rang out around the garden.
All the guests, none of which I recognised, turning to gawk at the bride as the clicks of cameras filled my senses. Halfway to the altar my eyes met his, I felt sick at how I swooned over his appearance.
As I finally stood in front of him, too many eyes on me for comfort there was only one thing on my mind.
I really wish that ceiling had fallen on top of me this morning.