Whining, I rolled over onto my side trying to clutch onto another sweet hour of peaceful sleep. My body protested, willing me to get up and empty my bladder, these bodily functions are really beginning to get on my nerves.
Grudgingly I lifted myself out of the bed and plodded towards the bathroom, the bathroom tiles cold beneath my bare feet. Re-entering the room that I was now to call my own I found myself stuck in a dilemma. I mean, not as big as the general dilemma my life has become but it still seemed like a pretty significant thing at the moment.
Do I get dressed? Do I just walk downstairs? Do I get dressed and then walk downstairs or do I wait for Noah to come? Would he be mad if I left the room by myself, but would he be mad if I didn’t go downstairs by myself?
Hesitantly I pulled out clothes for myself, yet again lacking shoes. Maybe this whole kidnapping thing will give me time to work on my sense of style, that’s good Embry you keep cracking jokes so you can avoid the perilous state your life has fallen into.
Adjusting the fabric against my skin I let the pitter patter of my bare feet sound throughout the empty hallway, one destination in mind. The kitchen, he could stop me from having an ongoing identity outside of these walls but stopping me from my emotional eating isn’t in his best interest.
The food cravings setting a ball of dread alight in my stomach, the dull ache in my lower abdomen proving my suspicions to be correct.
I was going to get my period soon.
My brain had planted this little seed of anxiety, making me aware of its present through the hollow feeling, shallow breathing and sweaty hands. I never coped well on my period to say the least, my emotions became too much to handle and every little thing felt 10 times bigger than it actually was.
I couldn’t afford irrationally acting out with Noah around but I don’t think I have the ability within myself to fight against this oncoming sea of hormones.
By the time I had pushed through the kitchen door my fingers had found themselves twisting and pulling at the end of my cardigan, it was soft, soothing to the nerves.
Neither Noah nor Sebastian were anywhere to be seen. On one hand I was grateful, I didn’t really feel like having the cosy post-panic attack discussion with Noah but on the other I felt uneasy, Sebastian could walk through the door at any time.
Or maybe I could run out through the door, it didn’t seem like anyone was in close proximity. My planning was interrupted by the blunt pain coming from my chest, the feelings that came with the possibility of getting caught were far stronger than those of escaping.
If I just bear with it for a little longer and gain his trust, I can run for the hills. Be smart about it, that’s all I need to do.
The grumbling of my stomach kicked me into action as I found myself rooting through the fridge. “Here I can make you something, what would you like?” My body jolted upwards with the shock as my head made contact with the fridge door.
Rubbing the sore spot I turned to see Noah leaning against the door frame, amusement written all over his face. My jaw clenched unintentionally, the murderous thoughts swimming around my brain.
“I’ll figure it out myself” I spat, the words and tone of voice coming out quicker than I could stop it. Hostility and panic did not make a good pair, I can tell you that much.
“Embry, sit down and I will make you something” he stated, his tone still calm. I pulled the cartoon of eggs out of the fridge mentally stomping over to the counter.
He takes me away from my family, traps me here, leads people to believe I am dead, burns my skin with his stupid initials, calms me down from a panic attack, admits to murde-. Oh my god, how could I forget that yet again.
A pain pulsed through the skin of my hand, I had crushed the egg in my hand. “I-” his eyes stayed glued to me, he had moved to the other side of the island.
Get out of your thoughts Embry, you keep missing everything around you.
“I told you to let me do it” he deadpanned, striding towards where I was. “Stop, don’t come near me” the words were intended to be an order but they sounded more like a plea when I spoke them. “Is it about the panic attack last night, do you get them often, do you want to talk about it?”
His tone was gentle, it was almost like I was talking to the old Noah, the one from before the accident, but now that I think about it, that Noah was a murderer too. I had missed all the warning signs, not just the signs but the actions as well. I should have noticed, remembered, I should have stopped him.
“You killed someone” I stated willing myself to look at him. “I did”, scanning his face I tried to find some sort of emotion but it remained impassive. “And it was my fault,” I admitted, letting my head drop and body slump.
The tears dropped one by one, this was all my fault. I was too caught up in my own little world. I could have saved god knows how many people.
“Hey, shh, shh little bug, it isn’t your fault, those people were bad people, they were going to keep hurting people, you wouldn’t have wanted all those other girls to get hurt, right?”
Shaking my head I didn’t protest as his hands cupped my face brushing each tear away as it fell. “I didn’t want them to die either” I sniffled. “I know, I know, it’s why I love you, you’re so pure, so good hearted you think even the scum of the earth people like them deserve a chance.”
He sighed, brushing the front pieces of hair from my face. “Look Embry, take Justin for example, that guy would have raped I’d say around twenty helpless girls by the end of his first year in college, is that what you want?”
“No” I whimpered, the thought still didn’t ease my guilt and pity. “Those girls would have never gotten to live a normal life, some might have even resorted to killing themselves and he would have got to live a happy life, doesn’t that make you feel mad?”
“I, I don’t know how I feel” the frustration of not being mad at the guy whilst knowing he is dead overclouded the reaction to cry and soon only dried tears covered my face.
“I know you don’t baby, I know, that’s why you have me” he pulled me tight against him, his scent clouding my senses.
He ended up making me breakfast, my mood too dull to protest, I sat listening numbly to the vinyl player until lunch. He didn’t have much else to say and I didn’t see Sebastian at all and I was too afraid to ask where he was. Noah was being gentle, causing me to involuntarily let my guard down, sometimes it was easy to believe Noah genuinely cared about me, especially in moments like this current one.
“Come on baby bops, I can see you’re feeling down, let’s go outside for a little bit” his hand was outstretched waiting for mine to make contact with it. “Outside?” it came out as a whisper, was this a trap?
I stared at him in alarm, was he taking me somewhere to kill me? Oh god, I had gotten so comfortable with the thought he wouldn’t kill me but all of a sudden the prospect of dying sent tremors of fear through my body.
“Deep breaths little bug, it’s okay, you’re okay, I just thought it would cheer you up a bit” he took gentle steps towards me, like a hunter approaching cornered prey not wanting to scare it away.
“I-is something going to happen when we go outside?” I didn’t know how to word the question, straight up asking, ‘are you going to murder me’, just didn’t seem too appropriate. “I promise nothing you don’t consent to is going to happen, stop overthinking it, I can see those cogs turning in your head” his hand remained unmoving awaiting the pressure of my hand in his as my heart settled back into its regular tempo, which was still an anxiety riddled one.
He broke into my house not once but twice, he didn’t have a great track record of being trusted but what’s the worst that could happen if I went outside with him.
Cautiously, I stood, ignoring his unwavering hand, wouldn’t want to catch his cooties. I stepped over to the vinyl player and gently lifted the needle off the record, bringing the sound of Nirvana’s album to a halt.
I stepped towards the door in anticipation for something bad to happen. Noah remained in his spot, smiling to himself for some reason I was unaware of. “Forgetting something, aren’t we.”
My eyes shot up to meet his, I knew this was too good to be true. “I-, ehm, what?” I whispered the last part mostly to myself trying to rack my brain for some answer to what he was talking about.
I followed his gaze as they trailed towards my feet. “Oh” he was talking about shoes, I had just assumed asking for shoes would be overstepping my rights.
“I’ll run and get them, you wait here.” Those words were too familiar to me so as he made his movements I had subconsciously ran towards him and grabbed onto his arm. “Please don’t leave me again” I begged, tightening my grip around his arm.
His eyes gleamed with pride and satisfaction, so much that an uncomfortable feeling gnawed at my stomach, causing it to churn about. “You can come with me princess” he smiled, chuffed with himself as he began dragging me through the kitchen. I thought I had seen everything, but as we came to a small utility-like room behind it I was proven incorrect.
He pulled out a pair of plain slip on shoes from a wardrobe built into the wall. Stepping into the shoes I grimaced as the cuts I got from running through the forest made contact with the fabric. Well one things for sure, I wouldn’t get much further in these shoes than I would in my bare feet.
Nothing was said between us as he led me to the garden, I was in too much of an awestruck state to speak anyway. The last time I had seen the outside I had attempted to run away so naturally I didn’t have the time to appreciate it.
Which meant, it had been approximately 3 days since I had really been outside for the sole reason of being outside. Longest three days of my life. It was a large space, the house had trees surrounding all sides of the house, making a small space for the driveway up to the house.
There was about 100 meters of grass encompassing the house on all sides that didn’t possess any trees. Small daisies sprouted in the grass, around the side of the house was a small fenced in garden growing all types of flowers and foods.
It seemed like my dream house, but no dream was worth it under such circumstances. Following Noah’s lead, I gently sat myself down onto the grass making sure I wouldn’t be sitting on any lone flowers poking up.
The sun’s heat settled on my face, throwing an invisible cover of serenity over my body. The silence surrounded us for no more than ten minutes before it was shattered.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there” his tone was soft, remorse sitting between his words. Cocking my head to the side I brought my eyes away from the sky to meet his cross legged figure.
“For the past couple months, you were in so much pain and I wasn’t there, I should have been and for that I’m sorry”, his facial expression, tone of voice, body language, it all seemed so genuine. A pang of pain shot through my heart.
Please don’t do this right now, my emotions are too fumbled to see sense, just let me hate you, please.
“You were in jail Noah” I didn’t want you there for me, oh how badly I ached to say those words. But it would have been a lie, I couldn’t ignore those nights, days even I spent lacking sanity wishing he was there with me, just so I could stop the pain.
“You were in pain Embry,” at this point I had turned my body so I was now sitting cross legged facing him. “I promised to always be there for you and I wasn’t, those people didn’t help, they let you suffer and I did nothing as it happened” his face scrunched in pain as the thoughts flicked past his mind.
I wanted to jump up and scream in his face that he doesn’t get to play the victim, oh believe me I did. But if I worked like that then I guess I wouldn’t be in such a situation. “And worst of all, I live knowing it was me who caused you that pain” his voice was strained as if he was holding back tears.
“My pain wasn’t your fault, it was mine, I got too close to the water not knowing how to swim, of course I was going to end up drowning”, a small smile graced his face, “I did quite miss when you would talk in your little poetic ways, always making comparisons”.
“I’m also sorry no one else was really there for you, you didn’t deserve that” his face became sullen once again. Why did he have to switch up his act so often, my heart was conflicted, him and I talking here like this, it was too much like the past. A carbon copy of the simpler times when everything felt right.
He scooted towards me, sitting beside me with the left side of his body up against me. “You know, I used to get panic attacks too when I was younger, I get how scary they can be” his hand reached out, taking mine in his.
“Remember when we first met, in playschool” I nodded, how could I forget, I couldn’t erase the memory no matter how hard I tried. “I knew it was you, that it would always be you and I’m so proud of you for making it through all that crap these past months.”
My heart beat thrummed in my ears at his words, the blood rushing to my face. It’s all I’ve ever needed to hear for the past forever but now it’s coming from him. It wasn’t meant to come from him because the power of feeling accepted and understood messes with people.
Enough so that I didn’t recoil as his head leaned towards me, I didn’t jump up and run as his lips pressed against mine. Emotions were a gift, those who couldn’t feel anything would agree but for those who could, well, they would understand that they could be burdensome things.
It wasn’t a choice I willingly made as I gave into the kiss and reciprocated it.
So I had asked myself, ‘what’s the worst that could happen if I went outside with him’ and the answer was this. I could let him kiss me.