My body sunk into the mattress as I let myself get lost following the patterned swirls on the wallpaper. A task that allowed me to shut off my thoughts, if I was to guess I would say it was around 4:30.
The sour taste of vomit remained in my mouth from me splurging up my breakfast after the realisation that I had let Noah kiss me hit me. I had tried scrubbing my mouth, but nothing could help me get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth.
I had locked the door as soon as I ran up here, which happened to have been approximately 3 seconds after the kiss ended. As soon as the lock slid into its crevice of the door the pounding guilt weighed down on my shoulders.
The water works that had been ignited lasted closer to an hour before I managed to even gain some control on myself, so here I was. Lying pathetically on the bed, face tear stricken, saliva acidic with bile and thoughts null as I pushed away the popping up faces of my family.
The look of betrayal in their eyes was enough to send me spiraling into the depths of despair about two more times before I perfected shutting my thoughts off completely.
Trying to bring some reasoning to my emotional mess of a brain, I came to the conclusion that with the way Noah worked and with what my therapist had labelled as emotional manipulation, the moment would have come sooner or later.
It just feels a bit worse that I only lasted 3 days in his presence, one of those days had been spent hung up in chains while being burnt. It was safe to say my mind and emotions were a mess and I brushed it under the excuse of hormones.
I had fallen too quickly back into a comfortable pattern of being blind towards the bad of Noah, I had separated two entities of him, the caring one and the one that could make me pee my pants with a glare.
The former entity was just as dangerous so I needed to up my game, I needed to get angry, at best I needed to be distant. I had done it for the past couple months. I could do it now when it counted, right?
I found the trouble with trying to block out your thoughts was that the effort was in vain. No matter how much concentration was put into it, they always came back because who was I without my thoughts. They brought me back to the memory I was trying so hard to escape from, the kiss.
My fingers traced my lips as I recalled the event, the idea of it all made my stomach cramp up but the feeling, well, it was one that was familiar, one that was safe for me.
*Flashback*
It was a regular Saturday night, the young girl was sitting on the grass behind her house accompanied by her most trusted companion. Their music played softly in the background chasing away any silence that may attempt to surround them.
The girl’s gaze was settled on the night sky, a most fascinating sight to her, oh how the stars and moon brought her comfort like no other. Well almost like no other, she wouldn’t share such a moment with just anyone.
So there the slightly older boy sat, right next to her, his gaze settled on something so beautifully fascinating to him. Her.
No words had been exchanged between them for a small while, each one having the presence of the other as enough.
It was late at night
You held on tight
From an empty seat
A flash of light
“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” a cheeky smile arose from the girl. The boy scooted closer so that the smaller girl could lean upon his form, letting out a small chuckle. It was not the first time she had recited this phrase, previous times not even being in the presence of the moon, after the second time the boy had done research on the saying.
It will take a while
To make you smile
Somewhere in these eyes
I’m on your side
He would have swore his heart had stopped once he figured out it’s meaning, it was a Japanese saying translated to say “I love you”, no matter what way she had intended it to come across as he took it romantically and was more than happy to reciprocate these feelings.
In a gentle whisper he replied, “I can die happy”. He had never failed to say “I love you too” through this Japanese translation thus it became their thing.
You wide-eyed girls
You get it right
The girl’s heart always seemed to speed up when those words left his mouth. It was true, she did mean them romantically, she had been in love with the boy sitting beside her for as long as she could remember. She remained blissfully unaware of how he truly felt or at least she would for the next couple of seconds.
“Embry” the boy’s voice was strained, she had picked up on his nerves and turned to face him, showing him he had her full attention. “Noah” she responded gently, grabbing hold of his shaking left hand.
Fall back into place
Fall back into place
“I like you as in emotionally, wait no, obviously emotionally but that’s not” the young girl tried to hide her amusement as the boy tripped over his words. “I mean, I like you more than a friend, I want you to be my girlfriend” the words rushed out of his mouth as if they burnt him.
“I would like that very much” the girl nodded feeling as if she was on a high. Her eyes resembled the stars with how brightly they shone of happiness, it was then the boy took his chance, gently leaning his head towards hers.
Butterflies formed in the pit of the girl’s stomach as she closed her eyes, letting the sound of the music consume her senses while she awaited the feeling of his lips on hers.
Tender is the night
For a broken heart
Who will dry your eyes
When it falls apart?
His lips were soft as they brushed against her, it seemed cliche to her but now she fully understood what people meant when they said it felt like time had stopped. It felt like the world had come to a stand still and it was only them existing at this moment.
His hand moved to hold her cheek ever so delicately as if she might break as hers moved to hold onto his shoulders. The moment lasted no more than 7 seconds and yet she knew it would be a memory to last a lifetime because out of all 17 years of her life she never could have imagined her first kiss would feel like that.
What makes this fragile world go round?
Were you ever lost?
Was she ever found?
The boy’s heart was beating erratically, he realised for the first time in his 18 years on this earth that his life was never truly his own, he was living for her and he would die for her.
Somewhere in these eyes
Fall back into place
Fall back into place
Fall back into place
Fall back…
He would kill for her.
*End of flashback*
Shaking my head, I tried to rid myself of that memory, my first kiss. It was always supposed to be a memory I treasured and looked back upon fondly but now, a little after a year later it brought nothing but pain with it.
Of course I would always appreciate moments I had the privilege of experiencing like those but at what cost did I receive those?
A distraction from my thoughts seemed like the exact thing I needed at the moment but the intense cramping in my lower region didn’t seem to be quite the thing I was thinking of. I scrunch my eyes up in disdain, I knew what I would find but nonetheless the bathroom was calling my name to confirm my belief.
I had gotten my period.
You would think I would have gotten some time off of it considering I had been kidnapped and what not. Rummaging through the bathroom I grunted in displeasure at the lack of menstruation products. Time to face the devil.
My steps were gentle as I made my way down the hallway and stairs. To add to the discomfort circling through my body as my foot came in contact with the cold wooden flooring of the downstairs I scanned the area to find Sebastian sitting on the couch.
He sat sprawled on the couch, his ankle sat upon his knee, one of his eyes was a violent purple colour and at least twice the size it was meant to be, there was dried blood on his face and he overall looked damaged. What had happened?
The injuries made him look all the more menacing and terrifying, even while watching the television there was a scowl on his face as if he was ready to murder at any moment. Or maybe I shouldn’t make a comparison with these brothers and murder, lord knows the possibility of it being true.
Dashing into the kitchen I prayed I had drawn no attention to myself, I let out a squeak as my face came centimeters from Noah’s large back. “I- sorry” I muttered trying to recompose myself.
He turned slowly facing me, the whole time in the bedroom while stuck in my thoughts I had worried about seeing him again. Would he expect to kiss again? Use it to his advantage? Have that cocky smile on his face? Out of all the possible outcomes I conjured up, meeting his eyes to see them full of rage at the sight of me happened to have not come up.
Was it because I almost bulldozed into his back? Seems a bit unfair I mean he was standing in the middle of the kitchen beside the door. “Embry” he spat, my back straightened in shock as that familiar feeling of dread set in my stomach. He doesn’t just use my name for no reason and with that tone, the mark on my shoulder burned a little more at the memory of his fury.
He stepped forward, my nose practically touching off his chest. A gasp left my lips as he grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled it back, my head tilted painfully as my now teary eyes met his. “You. Ran. Away. From. Me” he seethed.
Confusion set in on my face, had I not already been punished for that. “I’m sorry” I whimpered, unaware of what else I could possibly say. I found that it was best to play into his game when he was like this. “Did you not enjoy the kiss huh?” his voice was filled with menace.
He meant after the kiss, oh god. I can’t exactly admit to him that it was because I hate myself for it and felt the need to throw up. “You do what I say, Embry, you don’t leave until I tell you to” his grip was getting tighter on my hair as my scalp burned just as bad as the hot iron on my skin days before.
“I’m sorry Noah, I’m really sorry” the words left my mouth through sobs as I desperately fought to get rid of the pain. The struggling just made it worse so I allowed myself to go limp against his chest, my hand remaining on his wrist in an attempt to alleviate some of the pain.
“Why did you do it, hmm, HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED YOUR LESSON” he looked animalistic as he shouted.
Play into his game.
Play into his game.
Play into his game.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, the k-kiss was great but, but I was scared I had bad breath and got embarrassed” I nearly screeched out as I was near being lifted off the ground by my hair. He harshly dropped my hair as I gasped in relief, massaging my scalp and checking for any hair that had been removed.
It worked. He still looked mad but his eyes now lacked the murderous glint in them. One small wrong move and he could snap.
Gain his trust. Give him what he wants.
“I-, it’s just, I was scared you would get grossed out an-and leave me and after our talk I realised that you were the only person that’s ever been there for me” I let out a shaky breath, praying he would take the bait.
The emotions on his face changed constantly, confusion, pain, relief, pride, happiness.
“You were right, they were never there for me, they didn’t understand me but you do and I need that right now. I just want to feel not so sad all the time again” I sighed.
His face settled on one final emotion, understanding. He pulled me to his chest, hugging me, I softened my tense muscles and hugged back despite my racing heart. I would give him what he wanted until the opportunity to successfully leave presented itself. If I had to lie to get back it wouldn’t hurt.
What I had said was a lie, right?