Her place was basically empty, only two small cardboard boxes and a suitcase were on the floor. Her curtains were gone, her walls were clear and her bed was bare. The explosion of unmitigated panic that burst through me was instant and unbearable. I looked at her wide-eyed, so many questions were racing through my mind.
“What?” I uttered stupidly, slack-jawed. My anxious eyes dashed around. Everything was gone and Hannah was going to be gone, too. Images of my life before I met her flashed in my mind, memories of a time that was less saturated, less bright. The life that I was going to be returning to once she left me. She made everything so much better. “You can’t go.”
She scoffed. “I can’t go, I don’t love you…” She listed, her tone laced with venom. Her glare was icy, but her anger was scorching. If looks could hurt, I would’ve been in a world of pain physically. Fortunately for me, too, since my heart was already hurting way more than I could handle. “Anything else you wanna decide for me today, Ellie?”
“Hannah… You can’t go,” I repeated myself. I shook my head, dumbfounded. The fear I felt over losing her was white-hot. It wasn’t like anything I’d ever experienced before. I knew in that moment, whatever hang-ups I had, nothing came close to how important it was to keep her in my life. She couldn’t leave me. It would’ve destroyed me. “Please don’t go.”
“Look…” She stepped closer and placed a hand on my forearm. She was still angry, but I figured that the pure devastation on my face was making her treat me more gently than I deserved. “It’s not like I’m moving to another country. My lease was up and I just really needed a change.”
“You were just gonna leave? Without telling me?”
“I was trying to tell you outside!” She raised her voice, throwing her hands in the air, frustrated. She took a deep breath before folding her arms across her chest. “I know I should’ve said something sooner. I just- I’m still processing everything that happened. I swear though, I was gonna call you today before I left.”
“Don’t go.”
“Ellie, it’s already done. I’m just grabbing the last of my stuff.” She explained and it was as if the ground underneath me was crumbling. “I’m actually glad you’re here… At least now I can thank you in person before I go. ‘Cause even if the last couple months have been a mess, I just want you to know how glad I am that I met you. You’re such a-”
“No,” I cut her off. What she was saying didn’t sound like a thank-you, it sounded like a goodbye. “Okay, you’re moving out… But we still need to talk about things. We still need to fix things,” I said resolutely even if it felt like I was breaking from inside out.
I needed time (a lot of it) to process the news that she was leaving, but time wasn’t on my side. Whether I liked it or not, she wasn’t going to be living in the same building as me anymore. But a change in address wasn’t enough of a reason for me to let her go. That just wasn’t going to happen.
She widened the space between us again.
“There’s nothing to fix. I don’t love you, right? There-fixed.” I wasn’t used to how sarcastic and snippy she was being with me, but her anger was justified. What I’d said to her was awful-I was awful. I studied her face, she was still so pretty even when she was so clearly going through a lot.
Actions had consequences, but was the damage I caused so destructive that she had to leave me?
“Hannah…”
“Why are you making this so much harder than it has to be?” She demanded. Her deep brown eyes were shining with unshed tears. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you,” I admitted not only to her but also to myself. I didn’t understand the specifics of what my revelation meant yet. But faced with the dark reality that I was going to lose her, I knew it was the truth. I knew I would’ve done absolutely anything for her not to disappear on me.
“Stop playing with me!”
“I’m not.”
“Then what the fuck are you doing?” She hugged herself. I fought the urge to unwrap her arms from her body. I wanted to be the one to embrace her. Regardless of the expletive, she didn’t look mad anymore. She just looked really, really sad. I wanted to wring my own neck. “Ellie, I told you, I can’t have you in my life.”
Somehow, even if the first time she said it had wrecked me, hearing her say it the second time hurt more.
“Well, I can’t not have you in mine.”
“Ellie…” For a moment, it seemed like she was going to stop fighting the pull that was calling her body to me. She looked at her suitcase though then at her phone. “I really can’t deal with any of this right now. I have to go.”
Reluctantly, I was going to let her leave. But only temporarily. I was going to be mature, and give her some time and space. Then we’d discuss how we were supposed to move forward. Together.
“Yeah, okay. Do what you need to, but promise me we’ll meet up when you can-when you’re ready.” Before she could stop me, I reached out and pulled her into my arms. I really didn’t want to let her go. “Wherever you want, anytime, I’ll be there. Please just promise me that I’ll see you again.”
She gave a hesitant nod. The rest of her body remained completely still. Her hands never left her sides. And although she wasn’t hugging me back, I kept my arms securely around her for as long as I could. Until she softly reminded me that she really had to go.
I fought the urge to kiss her goodbye, opting instead to squeeze her once tightly before finally leaving her studio apartment for the last time ever. Our conversation was life-altering. Losing her for good would’ve been hell on earth, it was a nightmare I couldn’t let become reality.
. . .
I replayed as many of my encounters with Hannah as I could. I called to mind as much of her as possible. Remembering every memory made me happy and sad at the same time. I wondered about when she first knew that she loved me… Whenever my mistake of trying to tell her she was just ‘confused’ popped into my brain, I felt my skin crawl. I couldn’t shut out the voice in my head that repeatedly told me I’d ruined things past the point of no return.
Everything was in pieces and there was no sure-fire way for me to put it all back together.