Turns out, Hannah was really, really good at ignoring me. In addition to an embarrassing number of unanswered texts, she’d also ignored a bouquet of mixed flowers I sent her. One morning, I’d even dropped off a phone charger outside her door with a note that said: ‘Just in case you need battery.’
I’d officially run out of ideas. Which was why I decided to go out and have a drink with friends. ‘A drink’ turned into ‘a lot of drinks.’ And as more and more alcohol pumped through my veins, my need to see Hannah grew stronger and stronger. Too strong for me to fight. Alcohol had always made me crave the touch of another person, probably because I felt lonelier when I was drunk. But I couldn’t remember a time where I felt that particular ache more than I did with Hannah.
I was consumed by my need to hold her. I didn’t care if everything was still up in the air, I just needed a good night’s sleep and I always slept well next to her. I knocked on her door loudly. I should’ve been quieter, more mindful of her dreaming neighbors. But I was just too gone to care about anything other than seeing her.
She opened the door. She was blinking and squinting as she adjusted to the change in light. “Ellie?”
I’d obviously woken her up. She was wearing cloud-print pajama pants and a tight white tank top. I couldn’t help but leer at her nipples poking against the thin cloth. Her tanned skin looked so inviting, so smooth. Somehow, she was always simultaneously cute and sexy. I barely suppressed my need to reach out and touch her.
I tried to go inside her apartment. But she didn’t let me. Instead, she stepped out to join me in the hallway.
“Can I come in?” I asked. Her unfamiliar act of blocking my way affected me more than it should have. “I just want to talk… No sex, just talk. Maybe sleep in your bed tonight?” I rambled drunkenly. “Remember we said, if fucking wasn’t our thing, we could go back to cuddles? So, let’s just do that. I miss you.”
She shook her head, no. “You should go home.”
I eyed her closed door. I really couldn’t recall a time when she didn’t let me in. This was far from the first time I’d shown up at her place unannounced, but it was the first time I didn’t receive a warm welcome. A strange feeling of suspicion filled my gut. I knew I had no claim on her. I was the one who wanted us to remain just friends. The unexpected jealousy I felt was scorching though.
“Is there someone inside?”
My accusatory tone was unreasonable, illogical, ridiculous because if she did have someone else in her apartment, that would’ve been a good thing, right..? That meant she didn’t really love me. I was off the hook. We could’ve remained friends. I didn’t feel any relief.
When I looked at her again, I noticed that she was mad, too. A lot madder than I was, actually. She was glaring at me. “Go home.”
“So, there is someone else.”
“There’s no one fucking in there!” She said pointedly. She wasn’t yelling at me, but it was clear that she wanted to be. It was the angriest I’d ever seen her. Her brown eyes were aglow with rage.
My envy and possessiveness were swiftly replaced by apprehension. I was supposed to be making things better. I wasn’t supposed to be pissing her off. It was the first time we were together since everything went down and I so clearly dropped the ball. “Hannah-”
“Actually, I don’t care what you do, just go away!” She ignored me and my pleas for her to ‘wait a second.’ If it wasn’t so late into the night, she would’ve slammed the door in my face. I timidly tapped on the wood, but she didn’t open up again.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered out in the empty hallway.
. . .
With my tail between my legs, I knocked on Hannah’s door at a much more acceptable time. The shame from the night prior was very fresh. And though my memory was hazy, I knew I owed her a big apology for the way I’d acted.
“Hannah, it’s me. I just want to talk about last night…” I called out from the other side. “I was out of line.”
To my surprise, she opened up right away. She looked exhausted. There were dark circles under her eyes and I felt even worse for waking her up at an ungodly hour. I was glad it was the weekend and she didn’t have to be at work. She stepped out, making sure to shut her apartment door behind her.
Like our last one, the conversation was apparently going to play out in the corridor as well.
“I was drunk. I know that’s not an excuse, but I just need you to know I’m sorry,” I apologized, frowning. “I shouldn’t have come here last night.”
“It’s okay…” She rubbed the back of her neck. “I’m actually glad you’re here now.”
“You are?” I furrowed my brow. She made a move to reach for the doorknob, but I stepped closer. I wasn’t done talking to her. There was so much I needed to say, so much I needed her to hear. “Wait, I am sorry about last night-but I’m also sorry about everything else.” I had a whole apology planned out and rehearsed, but seeing her again had me all tongue-tied. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know you didn’t.” She looked away, nibbling on her lower lip. “It’s not all on you. I should’ve said something before things got so bad. But I didn’t.” She let out a drawn-out, airy sigh. “Speaking of, I really need to talk to you about-”
“One second,” I interrupted her. I had to say what I needed to say before I lost my nerve. “You don’t love me,” I began. She looked back at me, baffled but also insulted. Like an idiot, I kept going despite the warning bells that her expression set off. “You’re not actually in love with me. I think you were just confused because we-”
“Wow.” She shook her head, disbelief evident on her features. Without another word, she turned around and entered her apartment. I followed after her. I was going to explain what I meant, I was going to ask her to let me finish. But I stopped dead in my tracks.