Part Two
“Because I’m in love with you.”
I took a step back. I was so certain I could’ve found a way to get Hannah and I past whatever was going on with her. I was so sure I could’ve fixed things. But I was honestly blindsided by her admission. It was actually the complete opposite of what I’d thought the issue was.
I was convinced that she didn’t want me to touch her anymore because there was a new person in the picture. She’d been so distant, so withdrawn. I figured maybe she’d met someone, someone she saw herself dating. I knew from the very start that our arrangement was temporary and at some point, Hannah was going to move forward in ‘The Game of Life.’ The rainbow wheel would spin and her tiny car would carry her across the tiles, off to the future she’d always dreamed of.
A future I wasn’t capable of giving her.
My head was reeling. I didn’t know how to even begin processing what she’d told me. The influx of questions and emotions rendered me silent, motionless, stunned. I should’ve stopped her, but I didn’t know what to say. So, I let her leave my apartment without a word.
Waves and waves of guilt were crashing against every part of my body. I felt horrible for what I’d said to her, but I also felt horrible for what I didn’t say to her. I wasn’t in love with her, but even if I couldn’t say that I loved her back… She deserved so much more than my silence.
I got ready for bed on autopilot. Hannah’s words and sobs were replaying in my mind on a loop. Over and over. I tried to sleep, to shut my brain down, but every single time I closed my eyes, I only saw her. The guilt I felt was nothing short of excruciating. She was in so much pain and apparently, I was the cause.
I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. I wasn’t prepared for the turn of events my words had caused at all. If the idea of Hannah being in love with another woman made me sick to my stomach, the idea of her being in love with me terrified me to my core. I would’ve gladly taken the unfamiliar jealousy I felt when I’d assumed she was moving on with someone else over whatever it was I was feeling.
If she really was in love with me, then there was nothing I could do. She was right. Because I just couldn’t reciprocate her feelings.
I would’ve done anything within my power to keep her in my life. Unfortunately though, ‘love’ just wasn’t something I could’ve given her. I knew that she was a hopeless romantic at heart. She believed in true love, marriage, soulmates-all of the things I’d classified as fallacies very early on. She’d told me before that all she really wanted in life was to find someone to love who’d love her in return. She’d made it sound so simple, so doable… Like it was such an attainable form of happiness.
She deserved someone to love her the way she needed. Actually, she deserved so, so much more than just that. Whoever she ended up with was going to be extremely lucky… It just wasn’t going to be me.
Hannah was intelligent, thought-provoking. She was also super easy to look at, a stunner. She was a starburst in a petite package. She brightened up any room she walked into. Plus, her pussy was golden (I missed it a lot). Having to keep my hands off her was probably one of the most difficult things I’d ever had to endure in my life. I would’ve described sex with her as magic, but that wouldn’t have been accurate. I’d felt that ‘magic’ way, way before I saw her naked for the first time.
I had no idea how I was going to pull it off yet, but I needed us to bounce back from the ordeal we were going through. It was self-centered, but even if she had feelings for me, feelings that I wasn’t capable of returning, I wasn’t willing to lose her. I had to find a way for us to be friends again because I simply couldn’t live without her.
. . .
Me: Can we please talk?
Me: I’m sorry.
Me: Hannah, please.
It’d been a week since Hannah and I last saw each other. No matter what I wrote, she left me on ‘Read.’ She never replied to my texts or answered my calls. I’d mulled over just showing up to her apartment a few times, but that would’ve been wrong, right? She was obviously not willing to talk to me yet. It would’ve been wrong to force her into doing so. But it was seriously using up all of my self-control to not take the elevator down to her place.
The longer she ignored me, the more my anxiety built up. I hated how bad things were between us and I was so sure that if she gave me a chance, we could’ve talked through all of the issues. In the long days that passed since her confession, I felt like I’d finally figured it all out… She’d just confounded sex with love. There was no way she was in love with me. I knew that if she let me, I could’ve shown her that the whole thing was just a big mix-up.
I couldn’t really blame her for mistakenly thinking she was in love with me. I was the only person in the world aside from her who knew firsthand just how great the sex was between us (hands-down the best sex I ever had). It was simple, she’d just misinterpreted how good we made each other feel and mistook it for love.
It was hard to explain, but sex with her was like… Fire? Every time we slept together, it felt like flames were dancing on my skin in the most exquisite way possible. Our chemistry was undeniable, incandescent.
Hannah thinking that she was in love with me was exactly the kind of misunderstanding I was trying to avoid. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew that sex was going to blur lines, which was why I’d decided to set boundaries for us.
In hindsight, I probably should’ve discussed it with her before I took it upon myself to compartmentalize our relationship. But our little arrangement was supposed to be fun and sexy, a whole discussion on why we couldn’t hang out the way that we used to pre-sex would’ve been a massive turn-off. So, I’d made it my sole responsibility to ensure we didn’t enter the ‘more than friends’ territory.
Hanging out all the time? Friends. Having no-strings-attached sex? Friends with benefits. Hanging out all the time while also having sex? More than friends.
I’d forced myself to rein back my urges to always be around her. I’d brushed aside the constant compulsions to invite her out, to crash her place, to be with her all the time, everywhere and anywhere. And even if it was super difficult, I’d fought the blazing temptation of falling asleep wrapped around her (well, for the most part, there were still nights one or both of us had passed out after hooking up).
There were so many times I wanted to ask her to do something other than have sex, but I didn’t because of the limits I’d set to make sure she wouldn’t get hurt. And fine, maybe these ‘limits’ were also self-serving to an extent… What Hannah and I were doing always had an expiration date. I knew she was going to move on with her life one day, so I couldn’t anchor myself to her more than I already did.
Yet, here we were… She was too hurt to talk. And her sudden absence from my life made me feel like I was completely lost at sea.
I had to keep telling myself that we’d find a way to move forward, we could’ve even gone backward (all the way to the start) if necessary. We just needed to do whatever we needed to, so things could be good between us again. I had no idea how we were going to do it, but I knew I needed to find us a way to fix everything… Because Hannah was meant to be in my life. Forever. I just had to show her things were going to be okay. We just had to learn how to be friends again. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was possible-and definitely worth it.