Surprisingly, Ellie was the one who snapped first.
Although we’d never discussed it aloud, she knew not to touch me anymore. She knew I didn’t want her to, so she hadn’t done so in more than two weeks. Even if I could tell that it was incredibly hard for her, she was keeping her hands and mouth off me.
Every time she beckoned to me, I still came over to her apartment. But it was usually for a quickie where I made her come once (sometimes, twice) before I rushed back to the safety of my own home. I’d begun to see myself as someone akin to a home-service massage therapist or maybe even a plumber, I did my job then I went home. Simple. Sure, I didn’t make any money from what I was doing, but I regarded the time I spent with Ellie as my payment.
I was still basically an addict and she was my drug of choice. I knew that continuously choosing to be around her was self-destructive, but I kept at it. True to the definition of insanity, I kept repeating the same actions over and over again, expecting different results.
Tonight, she’d already come twice. I should’ve stood up from where I was in between her thighs. I should’ve left already, placed some much-needed space between us. But I couldn’t. I wanted more of her. I waited for her to be less sensitive before diving back in, kissing and licking the deepest parts of her I could reach. I absolutely loved how she tasted.
I looked up for a fraction of a second and saw her looking at me. I knew she was enjoying what I was doing, but her eyes still looked sad. I wanted to keep going. I wanted her to come on my face one more time. One last time tonight before I headed home to take a shower and wash her off me. But she pulled me to my feet.
She brought my hand to where my mouth was and I began to fuck her slowly with my fingers. She leaned against the wall behind her. She used both hands to keep my face exactly where she wanted it, right in front of hers. The eye contact between us was intense and I would’ve looked away if she let me. It had been a while since I felt the fire. I thought it had been extinguished completely by all the hurt. I was wrong. It was still there and, in that moment, it was consuming me.
As Ellie got closer to the edge, she tried to kiss me. She pulled me toward her to get my lips on hers. I turned away at the last second though. My lips crashed into the corner of her mouth instead. I didn’t want to kiss her on the lips anymore.
I still devoutly brought her off with my fingers before sucking off the juices on my hand. I knelt down one more time to lick up what I could from the source itself. I made sure to keep my movements gentle and careful since she just came. I pulled her underwear and shorts back up to her hips before placing a chaste kiss on the right side of her waistband. My movements were so precise, dripping with devotion, cleaning her up almost resembled an act of worship.
“Is there someone else?” She asked softly once I was back on my feet. “You can tell me, you know that, right? It’s not like you’d be cheating on me or whatever, we’re not even together.” The way she said it was so nonchalant. It exuded indifference.
“There’s no one else,” I croaked out. She was totally unaware of the waves of brutal pain she just sent my way with her words. I was struggling to breathe. The walls were closing in. I hugged myself, but it was useless, I was coming apart at the seams. It had to end now.
“Then what’s going on?” She glared at me. For weeks, she’d given me what she thought I wanted. But the frustration on her face told me she was done being patient. “I’ve tried to understand… None of this makes any sense though, you won’t let me kiss or touch you,” she griped. My little stunt earlier had obviously hurt her more than I thought it would. “But you still come here to have sex with me, do you know how ridiculous that is?”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “It’s ridiculous.”
“What do you mean I’m right? Hannah, can you please just-”
“I can’t have sex with you anymore.”
Now that the statement was out there, there was no way for either of us to take it back. A look of panic flashed on her face at my declaration, but I just shook it off. She was waiting for me to say something else.
Let Ellie go? Ellie with her sexy body, Ellie with her divine smile, Ellie with her oceanic eyes, Ellie with her intoxicating scent… Ellie, Ellie, Ellie.
“Look, I’m sorry I pushed. Can we please just forget I said anything?” She tried to backtrack. “Whatever you want to do, I’m okay with all your new rules. Everything’s fine.” She forced out a chuckle. It was far from convincing. She was visibly agitated, but I couldn’t be the one to calm her down. I was on the verge of coming completely and utterly undone. “Now, let’s just drop this, do you want-”
“Ellie…” After months and months of keeping them at bay, my tears finally fell. No matter how much I told myself to quit crying, they wouldn’t stop flowing. She finally held me again, just like she used to before our goddamn arrangement began. The still-welcome hug caused my heart to break into even smaller pieces.
She brought me to her room and carefully laid me on her bed. I was grateful because I knew my legs were about to give out at any moment. I covered my face with my hands and just sobbed, hard then harder. My entire body was shaking. Everything hurt-everything hurt way too goddamn much. She joined me on her sheets, pulling me to her.
“I can’t be around you- I can’t, I can’t-” I struggled to get away and she just shook her head, no. “I thought- I thought I could do this, but I was wrong…” My voice cracked. I was so worked up, I started coughing. She refused to let me go though, she just rubbed my back, doing all that she could to console me. “I was so fucking wrong,” I repeated again and again.
I squeezed my eyes shut and finally hugged her back. I let her hold me. I was too tired to fight.
“Please stop crying.” She pressed blind kisses on whatever part of me her lips could reach. “I’m sorry.” She was clinging on to me so tightly, like she was afraid I’d disappear. “I’m sorry, Hannah, please stop crying.”
The heat I felt was a new one. It was far less intense than a firestorm. Like heat from smoldering charcoal on the last leg of its journey to become ash.
Ellie held me for a long time. She held me until the tears stopped. She held me until I found my voice again. She held me until I asked her to let me go.
“You know how you said earlier ‘we’re not even together’..?” I repeated her callous words that had served as the catalyst for the end of us. She opened her mouth to apologize. She clearly felt guilty about the offhand remark. “I know we’re not…” I swallowed. My lips were still trembling, but I had to power through. “But I can’t have you in my life anymore, Ellie.”
“Hann-”
“It just hurts too much.” I finally rolled out of her bed. I shook my head defeatedly when she tried to make me stay and return to her arms. She kept saying that she didn’t understand what was going on. She claimed that whatever was wrong, she could fix it. She said that if I wanted, we could even act like strangers meeting for the first time. She told me that she was willing to do anything, I just needed to tell her what I needed from her. “There’s nothing you can do.”
“What do you mean?” She demanded. The hurt was so evident on her angelic features. It was by far the most upset I’d ever seen her. Her pain tugged at my damaged heartstrings. “Please just talk to me… Why can’t we fix this?”
“Because I’m in love with you.”
She took a step back, a step away from me. As if I’d just insulted her instead of telling her I loved her. The leftover fragments of my heart disintegrated into nothing. I turned my back on her and walked away.