All of it was just so messy. It was like I’d unknowingly entered a labyrinth, and after already taking so many wrong turns, I had no idea how to get to where I needed to be. The goal was to be with Hannah, but I was at a loss on how to make that happen. The most straightforward path was usually the simplest one, right?
She couldn’t have me in her life anymore because she was in love with me and I didn’t believe in love. I’d shamefully already tried convincing her that she didn’t love me. So, the only avenue left was for me to adjust my own beliefs. A simple path didn’t mean the journey was going to be an easy one though.
My parents had divorced when I was young but already old enough to be aware of what was happening. And even when they were ‘staying together for the kids,’ they didn’t seem to be in love. I had no real basis to use as reference. Plus, my mom’s words kept echoing in my head. Her frequent warnings to never give someone so much power over you that if they left, you’d lose the ability to function. I’d always thought that my avoidance of real, monogamous relationships would’ve been enough to follow her age-old advice.
If I lost Hannah for good though, if she didn’t come back-the desolate thought was enough to make my eyes sting.
I thought back to the night I’d asked her if she wanted to have sex with me. I knew it was a bad idea, I knew I already cared about her way too much. I needed her in a way that was entirely new to me. So, I was gambling with something I was by no means willing to lose. It was reckless, careless, dumb, but I just couldn’t resist my attraction to her anymore. Not when she was underneath me, shyly letting me know that she was horny, too.
When I first met her, I was honestly just planning to sleep with her a few times and let things fizzle out naturally, just like anyone else I’d ever hooked up with. But then we started talking and I couldn’t help but think that she was the cutest person I’d ever met. Yeah, I wanted to fuck her, but I also just really wanted to keep her around.
She made me happy.
Before our arrangement started, there was a never-ending game of tug-of-war in my mind: sleep with Hannah, don’t sleep with Hannah. But the fear of ruining such an amazing thing made me settle for just touching her all the time. I used to hug her as often as I could. I incessantly touched every part of her I was allowed to. My hands seemingly had a mind of their own whenever she was around. They just needed to be on her at all times.
I thought the attraction I had to her during those days, a blazingly powerful attraction I couldn’t act on, was torture. But no, true torture was what my life became once she was no longer around. The indescribable pain and fear I felt were enough to make me reevaluate many of my steadfast beliefs.
In all honesty, despite how happy Hannah made me, I’d never seriously considered dating her before she moved out. In addition to my parents’ issues, the idea of meeting, dating then marrying one person sounded like such a dull way to live. There were seven billion people in the world, how could anyone ever really be sure that they found the one?
But as I thought about Hannah non-stop, I began to yearn for the sense of security being in a real relationship with her would’ve provided me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much easier things would’ve been if they were dull. After we met in the elevator, I could’ve asked her out, we could’ve begun dating and at some point, she could’ve been my girlfriend. We would’ve never landed in the mess we were in.
If it was a story, it would’ve been three paragraphs max. ‘Once upon a time… Fluff, fluff, fluff. And they lived happily ever after.’ So simple.
I had no idea what was going to happen next, all I really knew was that I wanted Hannah to be my girlfriend.
Okay, so maybe I’d never been the relationship-type before, but people could change (or in our case, people could change people, i. e., she changed me). I was still navigating and overthinking the concept of ‘love,’ but there was no doubt in my mind anymore about wanting to date her. There was no tug-of-war.
The decision was so much easier when the options were: date Hannah, lose Hannah. It was clear-cut. I just needed to wait for her to come around, so I could tell her all my realizations and then our very own ‘dull, simple story’ would begin.
. . .
When Hannah’s text finally came a little over three weeks later, the relief that washed over me was a much-needed reprieve from misery. Since she’d moved out of our building, every single time I was in the elevator, I envisioned the first time I’d laid eyes on her. Crazy how clueless I was about how much she was going to change my life-about how much she was going to mean to me. It actually still hadn’t fully sunk in that she wasn’t my neighbor anymore.
Even if I’d told her I was willing to meet her at any hour, anywhere, she kept things simple: after work, a coffeeshop near my office we used to go to.
She looked a lot more well-rested than when I’d seen her last. Her eyes were more alive albeit still troubled. Her thick, straight brown hair was up in a neat bun that made her neck look irresistible. I’d always found her stunning, gorgeous, breathtaking, but given all of my self-discoveries during our time apart, she became perfection personified in my eyes. I’d truly never missed anyone or anything as much as I’d missed her.
“Hi,” she shyly greeted me as I took the seat across from her.
“Hey, you.” I bit back a smile after seeing that she got me a decaf iced coffee (just how I liked my caffeine past noon). We hadn’t gone out for coffee in a long time, but she still remembered my go-to order. “Thank you so much. Been here long?”
“Nope.” It seemed like everything around us was more interesting to her than my face. She was making an active effort to not look at me. She’d opted for a bottle of juice instead of caffeine, but her fingers were tapping away at the table.
“I’m really glad to see you. I missed you.” I covered her jittering hand with mine, but she pulled away. I barely stopped myself from frowning. “How’s the new place?” My own nerves were making it hard for me to stick to my plan of starting things out light and easy. I wasn’t ready for how removed her body language was. She looked like she was fighting the urge to run.
“Good.” She folded her arms across her chest, which placed yet another barrier between us. “Look, Ellie, I want to tell you that I’m sorry…” I opened my mouth, but she sent me an imploring look to let her talk. “I shouldn’t have sprung my feelings on you the way that I did, it wasn’t fair.” She pursed her lips together and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. “We were just using each other for sex, I just- I don’t know. I guess I got too attached.”
The description made me frown. I wouldn’t have described what we were doing like she just did. I didn’t use her for sex. That wasn’t what happened.
“Hannah, I wasn’t using you, it wasn’t like that,” I said as clearly as I could. “And you shouldn’t be apologizing for anything…” I really wanted her to look at me for longer than a quick glance, but she wouldn’t let herself. I bit the inside of my cheek. I had to choose my next words very carefully. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot, about us. And I know I messed up really badly.”
I repeatedly apologized to her as I explained why I’d pushed her away and restricted the time we spent together to strictly sex. I told her about all the boundaries I’d set on my own accord to keep things from getting too complicated. She barely reacted to what I was saying though. She just nodded a few times to acknowledge that she heard me.
“It’s okay,” she said. The cold look on her face told me that it was very, very far from okay. “You were just doing what you thought was right.” She shrugged a shoulder. Everything about her was so detached, so defeated. “I wish you told me about what you were doing, but there were things I should’ve also told you that I didn’t. None of it matters anymore anyway. It’s done.”
“Well, it doesn’t have to be,” I said restlessly. My nerves were now in full-blown chaos. “I know it’s gonna take time, but I wanna make this all up to you.”
“Ellie, you don’t have to. I should’ve just told you right away when I started feeling things I wasn’t supposed to, but I didn’t ’cause I wanted to keep having sex with you even if it meant different things for us.” She exhaled deeply. “It all just got so out-of-hand so quickly.”
“Hann-”
“It’s okay,” she repeated. “Don’t even worry about it anymore.” It was supposed to be placating, but the way she said it troubled me immensely. “You and I were friends, and we slept together… Things got complicated. Not exactly an uncommon plot, we’ll be fine.”
I scrunched my brow. Her words sent a shot of cold panic through my system. “What do you mean we ‘were friends’..?”
“Exactly that-we used to be friends.” She combed her hair away from her face. “I’m always going to care about you, okay? I-” She stopped talking. She finally let our eyes lock. “But I can’t be around you anymore. Not even as friends. Maybe someday… Who knows?” She sent me a sad smile. I felt a piece of my heart break off. “I just can’t right now.”
“You don’t mean that.”
All the time I’d spent figuring out my feelings for Hannah, I stupidly didn’t consider what she was doing with her feelings for me. I was so naive. I’d really thought I could just waltz back in her life and we’d ride off into the sunset.
The pain in my chest was so intense. I felt like I could’ve passed out right there and then. I wanted to keep my eyes on her, but for the first time ever, looking at her hurt. I started fidgeting with my coffee cup. My fingertips traced over the cool condensation.
I wanted her to say something else, to take it all back, to say she didn’t really mean it-but for what felt like hours, there was just silence.
“I have to go.” She was leaving. I was going to lose her.