As someone who enjoyed having time to herself, my constant need to be around Ellie surprised me. Even in previous romantic relationships, there were days when I’d needed to be alone and just realign for a while. I never felt that way when it came to her. As long as she wanted to see me, I did my best to make my way to her.
My attraction to her was so palpable at times, it physically hurt for me to think that we were just friends. I knew she knew that I found her attractive. It was impossible for me to hide it. I was just glad that she didn’t seem to mind. If our constant flirty state was anything to go by, I think she enjoyed me having a crush on her.
I enjoyed crushing on her, too. I’d grown to crave the feeling of warmth that spread through me whenever she was around. I’d quickly become addicted to how my body and mind responded to her presence. I was just so reactive to her, everything about her had me enamored in a way I’d never experienced before. So much so that every time she brought up something she was passionate about, I couldn’t help but feel envious of whatever topic was able to pull so much raw emotion from her. When she believed in something, she believed in it wholeheartedly. When it came to her core beliefs, there was really no way to make her join the other side.
An example of these core beliefs were her nihilistic views on relationships and monogamy. For her, all relationships were destined to fail, so what was the point of chasing ‘happily ever after?’ I wasn’t sure who / what made her adopt such a bleak outlook on love and marriage. I was incredibly curious. But when she’d ignored the question the first time I asked her about it, I didn’t bring it up again.
I really wanted to change her mind though-or at least expand her viewpoints. I’d once asked her to imagine how rewarding a real relationship could be, how nice it’d be to come home to someone every night who you knew loved you. But she just kept shutting me down. Over and over again. When it came to our relationship views, we were clearly at an impasse. I dreamed of having one person to love who’d love me in return for the rest of my life, while Ellie dreamed of a life full of ‘self-love.’ Which according to her, consisted of a lot of love from strangers (aka one-night stands).
It made me sad to think that at only twenty-seven, she’d already written off the possibility of ever finding true love. I couldn’t stop wondering about what made her so pessimistic, so anti-relationship. Perhaps my sadness about the whole thing was to some extent the consequence of my attraction to her… But most of it had resulted from the idea that Ellie (who was hands-down one of the most amazing people I’d ever met) was going to spend the rest of her life hooking up with women whose names she wouldn’t be able to remember in three years’ time.
Speaking of, one topic I hated hearing her talk about was dating. It annoyed me to no end whenever she’d bring up the many, many dates she constantly went on. How she met some cute girl in some place, blah, blah, blah. Those conversations I tended to mostly tune out. Each story ended with her usual rant about how annoyingly clingy Miss A, Miss B or Miss C had become anyway.
“I mean, why can’t things ever just stay fun?” She grumbled. “On the first date, I made sure to explain to her that I’m not in the market for anything serious,” she recounted. “And yet, here I am again, having to ‘break up’- ” She used air quotes, which I found adorable. “With someone who told me we were on the same page with the whole no-strings-attached thing!”
“I don’t know, Ellie… Can you really blame her for wanting more?” I asked before taking a sip of my warm coffee. I was looking right at her. “I mean, she’d be dumb if she didn’t at least try to lock you down.”
“Always such a sweet talker, Hannah.” She grinned at me before reaching across the cafe table to grab my free hand. I felt sparks. “Having a friend like you is so good for my ego.”
Friend.
She’d called me her ‘friend’ so many times at this point, it barely stung anymore. She was always going on and on about how much she loved having a ‘girl friend.’ As someone who’d only had girlfriends and guy best friends, she made it a point to tell me how glad she was that I was in her life. She’d told me that ever since, it was just easier for her to make friends with dudes. Probably because she’d grown up in a house with three brothers. She’d said that friendships with guys tended to be a lot less complicated and since I (a girl) was friends with her (a girl), I wholeheartedly agreed.
I’d never brought it up to Ellie, but she confused the fuck out of me. Whatever we were doing made my head spin without fail. What we had may have been platonic, but never had I ever had a friend like Ellie. It seemed like whenever we were together, her hands were all over me. If we were out in public, she’d either hook her arm through mine or hold my hand. If we were alone, she’d cuddle with me for as long as possible. She never touched me inappropriately, but she was constantly touching me. She pulled me to her as often as she could. Her fingertips were always caressing as much of my skin as she could reach. None of it may have been sexual, but it still set my entire body ablaze.
Hell, I was pretty sure that she’d touched me more in the few months I’d known her than some of my earlier girlfriends. It boggled my mind how easily she’d set up camp in my life, becoming such a large part of it in such a short amount of time. Since we met, no day had passed where she didn’t plague my thoughts. It seemed as if she was always, always on my mind.
. . .
Ellie: Wanna grab dinner or something after work tonight?
I bit my lower lip. I wanted to. I knew I would’ve preferred having dinner with her than the person my friend had set me up with. First dates were always so awkward, it would’ve been so much easier to just hang out with Ellie. I knew I would’ve enjoyed it more.
But ever since I met Ellie, I’d neglected basically everything else in my life. And unlike her, I wasn’t going out every weekend to do god-knows-what with god-knows-who. So, for the sake of my own sex life, I had to ignore her tempting offer and do the right thing for me. Because if I didn’t start going on dates again, I’d never date anyone… I’d remain celibate, continuing to fall down my ‘Ellie rabbit hole’ ad infinitum.
And as infatuated as I was with Ellie, I knew we wanted completely different things.
Me: I can’t… Have a date.
I was nervous about sending her the message. I wasn’t sure why… She talked about dating other people all the goddamn time. I didn’t know why I was stressing over telling her I was going on one date.
Ellie: Ooh. Is she hot?
I rolled my eyes. Based on the pictures I’d seen, my date was good-looking for sure, but ‘hot’ had become such a relative descriptor for me. It was hard for me to describe anyone else as hot since the benchmark had become Ellie. I wasn’t going to tell her that though.
Me: Definitely.
I typed out my reply and placed a fire emoji. I watched the three dots appear and disappear. Not for the first time, I wished I knew what she was typing but hesitating to send. I was startled by my phone suddenly ringing, ‘Ellie (Hot but Bonkers)’ flashing on the screen. I picked up but kept my voice low.
“Hotter than me?”
“What? Um… No,” I conceded softly, my cheeks burning at the admission. “Why are you calling?” I asked quietly as my eyes darted around my office space. “I’m still at work.”
“What are your plans?”
“Just dinner.”
“Then?”
“Uh…” I paused. “Home?” I answered unsurely. “Ellie, I have to-”
“Hers or yours?” Her tone was clearly playful, teasing even. I wished I could see her face. At the start of the call, I thought there might’ve been a chance that her interest in my date was motivated by jealousy, but her tone reminded me that it was probably just Ellie being Ellie. She couldn’t have been jealous because she didn’t want me like that.
I scoffed, feigning offense before laughing. “It’s our first date… I’m going home to my apartment alone,” I stressed the last word.
“Good.” With that, she hung up. I blinked at my phone’s screen.
. . .
The date went well… She was smart. She was cute. She was nice. For the most part, I was able to keep my attention on her. But there were some slip-ups here and there where Ellie’s face had popped into my mind. My date was a catch and I definitely would’ve been interested in getting to know her better if I didn’t feel so guilty about secretly comparing her to my blond-haired, blue-eyed neighbor.
We hugged and bid each other a polite goodbye after the meal. I was glad she didn’t bring up a second date. It saved me the trouble of coming up with an excuse. I made my way home and thought about Ellie.
Later in the night, she texted me.
Ellie: So…
Me: Hi.
I smiled at my phone. It was insane to me how my body reacted way more to the one-word text from her than it did during the two-hour date I’d gone on earlier. I was just way too responsive when it came to her.
Ellie: Home already?
Me: Yup.
My phone rang and I answered her call immediately.
“How was it?” She asked.
“Good.”
“Good enough for a second date?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “She was great and all but… There was just no spark.” I blushed. I was so glad she couldn’t see me. I wondered if I’d ever feel a spark with someone else again… And if there was one, would I even notice it?