One spark seemed so hard to observe, especially given how whenever I was with Ellie, there were ‘fireworks.’
If she became the ruler I used to measure everyone I met, then I’d be screwed.
Thankfully, she dropped the subject without further inquest and started telling me about her day. We just spent hours talking on the phone, about anything and everything. I wished I knew how talking to me made her feel. I hoped it made her even a quarter as happy as talking to her made me feel.
. . .
“I hate my job,” I complained as I approached Ellie. “I’m so sorry I’m late.” I sat down on the seat in front of her. I felt super bad because I was almost an hour late for our dinner plans. I looked around the packed restaurant we were in. I knew full-well that I would’ve hated being the one who had to sit there all alone.
Ellie looked completely comfortable though. She was more than capable of just sitting by herself and drinking a glass of wine without feeling self-conscious. “No worries at all.” She handed me a menu before placing her hand on top of mine. “I suggest their ravioli ’cause it’s like my favorite thing in the world, but you should check out what else they have tonight first.”
“No, I’m good, I’ll just have what you’re having,” I replied, making no moves to open the menu or pull my hand away from hers. She easily got the server’s attention and ordered for us. I caught the guy glancing at our clasped hands on the table. I wondered if he thought we were a couple, like all the other ones in the room. The establishment we were in was apparently a prime date spot.
How many women has Ellie brought here? How many women has she ordered ravioli for? How many women has she held hands with, on top of a table, in full view of any passerby?
I sadly reminded myself that the answers to all of my questions were none of my business.
Ellie didn’t let go of my hand until our food came. As we ate, she told me all about her day. She brought up anecdotes about her colleagues as if I’d meet them someday. Like always, I was perplexed by what we were doing. I knew that I wasn’t her girlfriend, but the way she spoke to me as if she’d been waiting all day to give me her rundown of events was such a ‘girlfriend-thing’ to do.
I wanted to ask her about us. I wanted to gain better insight into how she’d describe what we were doing. But I was afraid that if I did, she’d begin to act differently. I was probably just placing too much meaning in her words and actions anyway. I needed to constantly remind myself that I was an anomaly when it came to her friendships. Maybe since having a girl friend was so new to her, the only way she knew how to treat me was like a girlfriend.
I didn’t really mind, to be honest. Sure, there were things I secretly struggled with. Like the knowledge that she was still going on non-platonic dates with potential girlfriends (albeit short-term ones) who could ‘sleep with her’ in a way that I couldn’t. But I knew I meant more to her than the warm bodies she picked and discarded without much thought.
Her conduct may have fucked with my head non-stop, but that was a small price to pay in the grander scheme of things… I loved being the one she could talk to about the little things. I wanted to be a constant in her life. I knew she had other friends, but I was pretty sure that she wasn’t as candid with them as she was with me. I knew in my heart, she was comfortable enough to tell me anything.
I wanted to be her person. The one she could always run to. I wanted to be right by her side as she navigated the world.
When the bill came, I grabbed it and paid despite her repeated protests. I knew she made a lot more money than I did, she had an actual career while I had a job. But I wanted to pull my weight when it came to us. I didn’t want her to think I was spending time with her for any reason other than the truth. I just loved how she made me feel.
. . .
“There’s no way you’re not tired right now.” Ellie panted, bending over slightly as she tried to catch her breath. I glanced at her ass. What? I may have accepted that she wasn’t into me, but I was human and she was too sexy not to admire. It was basically like appreciating art. “How are you not tired?” She demanded with an amused smile. I knew she caught me looking.
“I told you not to come,” I reminded her with a teasing grin of my own.
She looked so cute in her little workout outfit, it was killing me. With her matching teal running shorts, tank top and shoes, Adidas should’ve seriously cut her a check. I glanced at her chest which was still rising and falling. Her sports bra was showing a bit. Suddenly, I felt like I was overheating even though I wouldn’t have classified what we just did as a ‘run.’ It was more like a ‘warmup’ for me.
But I ran all the time and although Ellie was incredibly fit, she had no chance of keeping up.
“I should’ve listened,” she conceded with a laugh. “No regrets though…” She let her words hang in the air for a bit. Her blue eyes danced wickedly as they darted up and down my body. “I really enjoyed the view.”
“Ellie…” I looked away. My face was on fire.
. . .
I wasn’t surprised to see Ellie standing on the other side of my apartment’s door, takeout bags in hand. We had no plans but planned or unplanned, it seemed like we always ended up spending time together. I let her in and gave her a quick hug before going back to my laptop on my bed. I had to finish sending out some work emails. She’d been over often enough anyway to know where everything was.
Once I was done with my computer, I looked across my apartment and just watched her. I really should’ve helped out, but I was enjoying looking at her too much. She moved around so comfortably. She was so familiar with everything, like it was her home, too.
For a moment, I lost myself in a fantasy of domestic bliss with Ellie. Going home to her at night, waking up to her in the morning. The sight was too sweet, too idyllic. It couldn’t have been anything but a dream.
. . .
Like everything else we did with each other, the semi-regular platonic sleepovers were just seamlessly integrated into our routine. Unlike our very first sleepover though, we were at Ellie’s place, on her bed. Her apartment was a two-bedroom unit that was exquisitely decorated by a paid professional. Being surrounded by all those nice things always made me feel like she was slumming it whenever she came over to mine.
“I’m so horny,” Ellie complained without warning, burying her face in my neck. I knew it was a bad idea to let her polish off almost a whole bottle of wine (I only had two half glasses). But she’d been upset because of something that happened at work earlier… So, at the time, it’d seemed like a great way to help her take the edge off.
And to be honest, I liked drunk Ellie a lot. Drunk Ellie could never keep her hands off me. Even more so than normal.
I felt my heart begin to race. I knew the scandalous comment was just Ellie being Ellie. She had no filter around me anymore. She just blurted out whatever was on her mind. She was horny… Well, it made sense. We’d started spending most nights together, catching a movie, grabbing a bite to eat, going out for ice cream. And since she was always with me, that meant she wasn’t out looking for a random and meaningless encounter to satisfy her urges.
Come to think of it, I couldn’t even remember the last time Ellie had told me she was going on a date. She didn’t sleep with every single person she went on a date with, but she usually had multiple dates a week. Something about not liking being home alone at night. During that specific conversation, I’d struggled to keep my mouth shut. I’d wanted to volunteer to keep her company every night.
I usually didn’t pay her little outrageous comments too much attention. But being so tightly wrapped up in her and also being pretty tipsy… I apparently had no filter either.
“Same,” I said, clearly surprising us both. She pulled back a bit to look at me. Her already striking eyes shone even more at my admission. “What?” I shrugged, trying to play it cool. “I get horny, too.”
“I’m sure you do.” She grinned. Her straight, white teeth on full display. She was enjoying the conversation a lot more than I was. “You just haven’t brought up your sex life before, so now I’m all ears.”
Apparently, this was what we were going to be doing.
“Well, there’s nothing to bring up,” I replied, losing myself in her eyes for a few seconds. “I haven’t had sex since I broke up with my last girlfriend, like ten months ago?” I acted as if I didn’t know the exact date when my last relationship had ended. I remembered… Heartbreak, even the smallest amount of it, was never easy to forget.
“Wow, I can’t even imagine.”
“I’m sure you can’t,” I said pointedly with a teasing smile. “I don’t know, I just haven’t met anyone new I wanted to date.” I shrugged my shoulders again. It was a lie. There was someone I wanted to date and she was basically on top of me.
“I don’t think we’re discussing dating right now,” she countered. “Just sex.”
“Well, for me, those two things go hand-in-hand,” I reminded her and she broke eye contact. “I mean, I’m not judging you for how you live your life, I swear.” I guided her face, so she was looking at me again. “I’m totally cool with it. But sex with strangers just really isn’t for me.”