Ellie knew it, too, but she seemed to be enjoying the show, which was why she was actively contributing to my already evident intoxication.
Each time I caught her staring at me, I had to look away. She was so pretty and stylish. The short navy-blue dress she was wearing looked perfect on her. I picked up a paper napkin to dab at my face. The heat from the alcohol in my veins compounded with the inexplicable warmth I felt whenever I was around her was verging on uncomfortable. I downed more of my cold water before quickly standing up. The room spun even more. “Bathroom.”
“Wait, I’ll come with-”
“No,” I declined. I left my purse on the table, hoping that the responsibility of watching over our things would’ve been enough of a deterrent against her following me. “I’m okay, just need to pee,” I rushed out.
It was really 50/50 as to whether or not I’d also puke, and in case I did, I didn’t want her to see or hear that. I did my business (thankfully, I didn’t hurl) then washed my hands at the sink slowly. I took deep breaths, inwardly giving myself a pep talk to keep it together while also berating myself for being so messy. I didn’t want to be shit-faced around her. She was so perfect, pretty, elegant.
She was… Behind me.
I locked eyes with her in the mirror and her clear concern made my legs feel even more like jelly. She had both our purses with her, one on each shoulder. She looked so prim and proper as if the drinks had no effect on her at all. I wondered if she drank a lot. Maybe her tolerance was really high?
“You okay, babe?”
That little word at the end caused a new wave of spins. I squirted more soap onto my already very clean hands, restarting the whole process. “Fine,” I squeaked out, unsure if she’d caught the first leg of my impromptu hand-washing marathon. I finally turned off the faucet and my hands felt all pruney. She gave me a couple of paper towels then grabbed my left hand after I was finished drying both of them.
As if things weren’t bad enough, now it probably felt like she was holding hands with a clammy geriatric. It was strange, the mix of embarrassment and elation I was feeling because of her touch. It was the most physical contact we’d had thus far and although it was so innocent, I felt my skin heating up even more. There was no way I could’ve drunk the fourth vodka martini on our table. I no longer cared if she found out I couldn’t keep up with her. Looking weak was preferable to making even more of a fool out of myself.
To my surprise, she didn’t lead me back to our table. She led me out of the dark bar and I welcomed the feeling of the cold night air. It was refreshing. “But what about-”
“I settled the bill and asked the waiter to send our drinks to these two cute girls as soon as you left for the restroom,” she explained without looking at me. She tugged me along toward our building. I tried to pull away from her at the mention of ‘two cute girls,’ but she didn’t let me. Instead, she held on even tighter. Her thumb was drawing small circles on the back of my hand as she led us home.
Just how cute were these two girls?
I tried to recall if I saw anyone particularly good-looking, but then I realized there was no point since I only had eyes for Ellie while we were there. If there’d been a crime and I was asked by the cops to describe the perpetrator, I probably would’ve conjured up the likeness of ‘Casper the Friendly Ghost.’ I noticed that she was still carrying my purse, so I took it away from her despite her reassurance that she could hold on to it for me. I looked helpless enough.
I wanted to say something. I wanted to explain to her that I wasn’t always this… Game-less? I didn’t exactly know how to describe myself in that moment. But I knew for sure that I wasn’t acting the way I wanted to act around her. I wanted to be as fun and flirty as I was whenever we texted back and forth.
I wanted to be as engaging as possible in the hopes that she’d find me even a fraction of how attractive I found her. She was so, so out of my league and that thought made my stomach turn. We were heading into our building before I knew it and for the first time ever, I was a little glad we were parting ways.
She didn’t press the elevator button for her floor though. Instead, she followed me out before asking me if she could come inside for a bit. My skin was suddenly on fire. Did she want to..? I looked at her, opening and closing my mouth. Unsure whether or not I wanted to make up some excuse and ask for a raincheck. The way we spoke to one another was extremely flirty, but neither of us had made any concrete moves. I mean, I definitely wanted to, but I didn’t think I wanted to like this.
Not like this.
I wasn’t the type to casually sleep with someone. I liked to get to know a person before hooking up with them. I thought back to the woman (whose name I didn’t know) who Ellie was arguing with a couple of months ago. The woman who was clearly into Ellie but was not Ellie’s girlfriend.
Even if I were, against my better judgment, willing to hook up with Ellie tonight because I was pretty sure a big part of me wanted to jump at the chance, I didn’t trust myself to perform very well. I was still very drunk. And the thought of disappointing her in bed was an even bigger disincentive than my MO of not having random, meaningless sex.
Hm, but sex with her could’ve never been random or meaningless, right? Maybe random in the context that sex wasn’t originally on the table tonight, but she wasn’t a random person I’d just met… We’d known each other for around two months. We’d hung out a bunch of times. We texted on an almost daily basis. And I could’ve never found anything I did with her meaningless. “I don’t-”
She cut me off.
“Don’t worry, no funny business, I promise.” She squeezed my hand. Her gaze was both playful and reassuring. Just like that, the decision had been made, I let her in. “Your place is so cute,” she gushed, finally letting go of my hand to walk around the small rented space. I immediately frowned at the loss of contact. “I love this…” She commented, pointing at a small framed watercolor portrait of me on the wall that an ex-girlfriend had made.
“Thanks,” I replied, not really sure what else I could’ve said in return. “I’ll be right back. Make yourself at home.”
I escaped into my bathroom. The only room in my little studio apartment with four solid walls. What were we doing? Why was she even here? I looked at my face in the mirror and noted that my makeup was a mess. I decided to just take it all off and wash my face. Might as well get ready for bed while I was in there… I grabbed the black shirt and girl boxers that were hanging on a hook. I dressed up and brushed my teeth, wondering what she was doing outside.
By the time I was done, I realized I was a lot more tired than I’d first thought. I placed an unopened disposable toothbrush on my sink (just in case). When I emerged, Ellie seemed surprised by my sudden outfit change, but she didn’t say anything about it. I studied her in her formfitting dress and low strappy heels. She was really nice to look at.
“So…” I said, my eyes remaining glued to her. My reduced inhibitions made me feel like it was no longer a top priority to hide just how much I liked staring at her.
“So…” She mimicked before plopping down on the edge of my bed. “Sleepy already?”
I shrugged and nodded at the same time, probably confusing the hell out of her. “I don’t usually drink that much,” I added as if that little fact wasn’t already blatantly obvious. Before I lost my nerve, I crossed the room to grab her a clean, loose shirt from my wardrobe. I handed it to her and told her about the toothbrush I’d left out.
The ball was in her court.
She excused herself to go to the bathroom. I slipped under my sheets on my usual side. I was impatient. I wanted her to fill the empty space beside me already.
“Come here,” I whispered out as soon as she was back. I decided to finally take a more active role in what the hell it was we were doing. I watched as she neatly set aside her folded dress. The air I was breathing in became a lot more charged once she was under the covers. She was so close. We were as close as could be without actually touching. I used an app on my phone to turn off the overhead lights before switching on my bedside lamp. I made sure to keep the lighting dim. She was way too pretty to be in a completely dark room.
“Well, I’m here.” She broke the silence first. But I was the one who touched her first, reaching out to cup her cheek. Her skin was incredibly soft. In my twenty-four years of life, I’d never wanted to kiss anyone as much as I wanted to kiss her. Not even remotely close. “No funny business, remember..?” She reminded me when my eyes darted to her lips.
“Then what are we doing?” I questioned confusedly. Did I misread what was going on..? My head was swimming. I pulled my hand away, instantly regretting my earlier invitation for her to join me in bed. “Maybe you should-” She cut me off by reaching out and easily pulling my whole body to her, hugging me as tightly as she could. “Ellie…” Even if she was wearing my shirt, I could still smell her perfume. She smelled expensive. The scent was so intoxicating. I felt exactly like I did when I’d finished my third martini earlier in the night.
I didn’t think it was possible, but I was even more confused by what was going on. Ellie held me, tight then tighter, cuddling into me until all of my senses were full of her. If the warmth I’d felt earlier was like a match flame, then this was like a full-on forest fire. She pressed her face in the crook of my neck, wrapping both of her arms and one of her legs around me.
“Drinking always makes me want to cuddle,” she told me softly. The information gave more sense to the earlier ‘babe incident’ and all of the hand-holding that followed. She was a touchy-feely kind of drinker. “Is this okay?”
“Yeah,” I breathed out. I felt like she knew she didn’t even have to ask. I felt like she knew I would’ve let her do anything to me. “Good night, Ellie.”
“Good night.” I felt her lips touch the skin on my collarbone ever so lightly before I drifted to sleep.