Ellie: Thanks for last night… Really needed that.
I was thankful that technology made it possible to just react to text messages. I gave Ellie’s little thank-you text a quick thumbs-up instead of an actual reply, clearly ‘not making an effort.’ Unfortunately, last night was the exact opposite of what I’d needed… Neither emotionally nor physically. As further evinced by the fact that I couldn’t keep my eyes open in the office despite the numerous cups of coffee I downed.
Ellie wouldn’t let up until I was out her door last night. She’d asked me again and again why I was being weird. And I just repeatedly told her I wasn’t being weird. I kept denying that anything was amiss. I knew she didn’t believe me, but what could I have possibly said to her?
“Oh, well, you see… I know I said I was cool with this set-up of ours, but apparently, I caught real feelings for you. And now, everything hurts way too much. My bad!”
If I told Ellie that-if she found out… She would’ve surely wanted to end things. And despite all my promises to myself that I was going to stop being her little plaything, I knew it would’ve absolutely destroyed me if she completely cut me off. I wasn’t ready for that yet. I was still holding out hope that my confusingly painful feelings would miraculously go away or at least fade into something more tolerable. And I could’ve gone back to just blissfully fucking around with my smoking hot goddess of a neighbor.
I wished and hoped that my brain would somehow rewire itself into thinking: ‘Hey, actually, you know what… This isn’t so bad!’
It wasn’t completely outside the realm of possibility… At the start, sex with Ellie was always so fun, so intoxicating. Being with her used to feel like I was in the earliest stages of a great high, knowing that I was definitely heading toward a peak that’d ignite every single one of my senses.
I thought back to how things had first started, back to how we met. If I knew then that all of this was going to end up hurting me so goddamn much, would I still have opened my mouth in the elevator? Yeah, probably. Because if I hadn’t, I would’ve missed out on all the amazing things, too.
. . .
Eight months earlier…
I frowned at the sight of two women blocking the entrance to my apartment building. They were clearly in the middle of some argument. I paused the music I was listening to. I planned to say a polite ‘excuse me,’ so I could get home. Right before I found my voice, the blond-haired woman abruptly turned and stomped into the building. She just left the other woman angrily staring at her.
In moments, I found myself in the same elevator as ‘Little Miss Abandoner.’ I tried to bite my tongue. I should’ve bit my tongue. I didn’t bite my tongue.
“Girlfriend troubles?”
“What?” She sounded curt, but I couldn’t blame her. She was clearly riled up by whatever I’d witnessed outside. Her blue eyes landed on me and everything seemed to get just a little bit warmer. “She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Oh.” I hid my smile by looking away. “I’m sorry, I just thought-”
“Apparently, she did, too.” The pretty woman rolled her eyes. “Why are the hot ones always so crazy?” The little drama show outside made me think she was gay, but I was glad for the confirmation.
Her statement had me chuckling. I looked at her, taking everything in. Her shoulder length blond hair, her impossibly blue eyes, her porcelain-like skin. She was maybe two to three inches taller than my 5’4″. There was something about her. I knew from the jump that she would’ve been able to stand her ground anywhere, against anyone. It was the way she carried herself.
“If that’s true, then you’re probably batshit bonkers, huh?” I flirted shamelessly before tucking some of my hair behind my right ear. Could anyone blame me? I just found out she was probably single… Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
She grinned in response before finally really looking at me. “Hi, I’m Ellie.” She extended her right hand which I shook. The contact was brief, but it was at least long enough for me to notice how soft her skin was.
“Hannah. I-” I introduced myself before getting cut off by the elevator doors sliding open to my floor. “This is me…” I disappointedly stepped out. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
She gave me a quick wave goodbye and I silently cursed at how short our time together was.
. . .
“Hey, you.”
I looked up from my phone and directly into blue orbs. Ellie was getting on the elevator, a couple of grocery bags in her arms. Despite being neighbors, it’d taken more than two weeks before we ran into each other again.
“Hannah.” I reminded her what my name was.
“I remember, silly.” She laughed and I couldn’t help but grin back like an idiot. She remembered me. “You’re the girl who said I was batshit bonkers.”
“I feel like context is really important here,” I replied. I wondered if my smile could’ve gotten any bigger. “Just don’t forget when I called you crazy, I was also calling you hot.” I knew I was being more forward with my flirting this time around, but she’d unknowingly taken up a lot of my thoughts since I first saw her.
She tilted her head. Her expression was equally playful and amused. She didn’t seem bothered at the slightest by my blatant flirting. I bet people hit on her all the time… She was seriously gorgeous. I was about to say something else stupid when she swiped my phone out of my hands. She did something then quickly handed it back to me.
“What-” Before I could finish my question, the elevator doors slid open to my floor. I sighed at the fact that our conversation was getting cut short yet again. My obvious disappointment seemed to just add to her amusement.
“Just text me.”
I stepped out and she gave me another quick wave. I looked at my phone’s screen and saw that she’d added herself to my contacts under ‘Ellie (Hot but Bonkers).’ To answer my earlier question… Yes, it was apparently possible for my smile to get even bigger. A lot bigger, actually.
. . .
Ellie and I had been texting on and off for about a week. I’d learned that she wasn’t just a pretty face. She was also quick and witty (and oh so funny). The more I talked to her, the more my crush on her grew. Whenever she said something flirty, it was as if my cheeks were set on fire. Every interaction I had with her always left me feeling giddy.
My phone chimed and I grinned when I saw who the message was from.
Ellie: What are you up to tonight?
Me: Nothing much, just staying home.
I’d hesitated before sending the last text. It was a Friday and I was worried that my non-plans made me seem boring. I was by no means a ‘homebody,’ but work had been gruesome, so I’d declined my friends’ invites to grab a drink to celebrate the weekend. Opting to just get some rest. When I didn’t get a reply, I double texted.
Me: You?
It took quite some time for her to write back, but when she finally did, I didn’t like what I read. I felt a pang of jealousy then a pang of sadness in quick succession. I shook my head. I reminded myself that I had no business feeling either of those emotions.
Ellie was just a friend. A new friend. We didn’t even really know each other.
Ellie: On a date. It’s not really going too well.
I locked my phone without replying and ignored it for the rest of the night. Even if her date wasn’t going well, I didn’t need to hear about her being with someone else. I got ready for bed and tried my best to not think about her.
. . .
When I woke up the next day, I saw that I had two unread messages from the woman I’d tried (and failed) to stop thinking about the night prior. For the briefest of moments, I thought about just ghosting her, cutting my losses before I had any more unwarrantedly intense reactions.
Ellie: You up?
Ellie: Talk to you tomorrow then.
The second text had come in a lot later and it had a red heart at the end. I groaned. I knew it was futile, there was no way I was going to stop talking to her just because I got irrationally jealous. I liked talking to her, I liked how I felt when I was talking to her. I was definitely attracted to her, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be friends with her, right?
Me: Hey, sorry. I passed out. How was the date? Did it get better?
Her replies came immediately and I found myself sitting up straighter on my bed.
Ellie: No. It was supposed to be dinner and drinks, but I bailed right after dinner.
Ellie: Still wanted that drink, but the friend I was planning to invite apparently passed out.
There was a winky face in the mix and I felt my heartbeat getting faster. I couldn’t understand why I found everything she said so electric. No, that wasn’t the right adjective… Her words were-incendiary. Every interaction we had seemed to be a precursor to something explosive.
Me: What’s wrong with this friend of yours? Who in their right mind would turn down a chance to spend some time with you?
I played along, sending out a heart-eyed smiley.
Ellie: Mm, not sure, you know what they say about the hot ones…
I dropped my phone onto my bed before burying my face in my pillow and groaning. I felt crazy. I couldn’t stop smiling. It was too early in the day to be as giddy as I was. I replied with an equally flirty message then forced myself out of bed. I needed to go on a nice, long run to clear my head.
I brushed my teeth, washed my face and then stripped off my sleeping clothes. I took a moment to examine myself in my bathroom mirror. My tanned skin had a golden glow, my brown eyes were larger than average, my straight dark brown hair was nice and thick. I was okay. I compared my features to Ellie’s. Her boobs were definitely bigger than mine, but based on the little I’d seen, I assumed I was a bit more toned than her. There was no contest though. She was leaps and bounds hotter than I was, leaps and bounds hotter than anyone else I knew.
And yet, she thought I was hot, huh?
It wasn’t that I thought I was unattractive or ugly. I knew I did my best to take care of myself. It was just that the compliment had come from Ellie, so it was kind of like Einstein calling someone else smart.
My whole run was plagued with thoughts of everything I liked about her.
. . .
I really shouldn’t have let Ellie order us a fourth round. It was a Tuesday night. But she’d somehow convinced me it’d be a good idea to go with her to a lesbian bar within walking distance of our apartments (despite my reservations and excuses). I’d never really been much of a drinker, so the three drinks I’d already had were more than plenty. Combine the alcohol with whatever effect she naturally had on me, it felt like my entire planet was spinning… Well, the planet was always spinning, but it was spinning-Faster? In reverse? I was wasted and I knew it.