“How was that? Underwhelming, huh?” Gray asked once we were sitting on a wooden bench in front of a pond. I wasn’t sure why, but she called the park we were in ‘Stanley’s Park.’ That wasn’t the name on the signs though. “Compared to your secret, mine was so boring, wasn’t it?”
“Not boring at all…” For just a second, I got distracted by the goofy-looking ducks a few feet in front of us by the mossy water. I wondered how the line of little ducklings decided who among them acted as the leader to guide the way. After shaking my head, I faced Gray again and smiled at her. “I mean it. Believe me, if it was possible for you and I to trade secrets, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Like I’m so, so proud of you.”
“Thanks.”
Every week, she assisted a middle-aged art instructor during a free, open-invitation art class. Earlier, she’d taken me to a privately funded LGBTQ center. And for three hours, along with twenty-two other people of varying ages and appearances, I’d worked on my own small watercolor painting under the flamboyant tutelage of the eccentric instructor. His entertaining class was by no means a professional one meant to hone the skills and techniques of ‘serious art scholars’… Rather, it was a casual one that gave interested people the opportunity to meet up and connect with their community.
“I don’t understand why you’re keeping all of this a secret though,” I said to my roommate. “Like I just found out today and I already wanna make a bunch of online appreciation posts… Brag about you to everyone I know.”
“Please don’t.” She chuckled. “Uh, the PR answer to your question would be I keep it a secret because I don’t wanna ‘let my left hand know what my right hand is doing.’ Like I do it because I find it fulfilling, not because I need others to validate my choices or whatever… But although that’s true, I also love having someplace that’s just mine, you know? A refuge I can escape to whenever I need a break from my life.”
I nodded in understanding. “I get that… And even if I had a lot of fun today, I promise I won’t randomly turn up there and bother you.”
“This is gonna be hard for you to believe, but I was planning to bring you there before we moved out of Apartment 202.” She took out her phone. “Look at this…” She handed me the gadget which was displaying a picture of a wide assortment of polymer modeling clay. “Next week, the activity’s gonna be clay-sculpting and I remember you mentioned you wanted to try that before… And yeah, I was always planning to invite you to that class.”
“You literally just said you like having a place that’s ‘just yours.'”
“Mm, you don’t count as another person,” she laughingly replied as she stuffed her phone back in her pocket. “Just kidding. Fine, fine, I know I’ve been selfish and secretive with this part of my life… But I was hoping that once we no longer live together, we can make this our Sunday-thing,” she told me with a nervous smile. “I know you don’t have a fixed work schedule, but just whenever you’re free… I’ll pick you up in the morning and we can go together? But if you’re not into it, I’ll keep brainstorming until I come up with a reason for us to regularly see each other.”
“Pause.”
“You don’t like the idea…”
“No, I love it. I just need a second… ‘Cause you’re gonna make me cry again,” I explained to her before taking calming breaths. “Yes, please,” I said once I found my voice. “I want this to be our Sunday-thing.”
“You got it,” she said with a grin.
“Thank you.” The last thing I wanted to do was wipe her smile away, but I knew we had serious matters to discuss. I sucked air through my front teeth and led us to the sequel of our earlier conversational minefield. “I have no idea how to start this, so I’m just going to continue where we left off… Why did you pretend like you misunderstood me, Gray? If you were telling the truth this morning and you like me back, why did you have to complicate everything?” I asked her directly, steadying my voice. “I don’t get it.”
“I, uh, I just–” In response to her stammering, I covered her left hand with my right one. Giving me an appreciative smile, she inhaled and exhaled a deep breath. “Cass, I know it’s too late for me to even say this, but we never should’ve crossed that line we crossed… Like we dodged a bullet when you turned down my ex’s threesome proposal,” she recalled. “And I’m not saying I regret being with you. I could never. But there’s a reason I don’t sleep with my closest friends, it’s too much of a risk.” She looked at the blue sky above, exposing the bluer flowers on her neck. “I made you an exception to the rule though because fuck, how could I not?” She laughed softly. “At the start, you were just this super-hot girl-next-door type, but turns out, you’re actually this secret porn star.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not-”
“Yeah, yeah, ‘adult content creator,'” she amended with an eye-roll of her own. “Think about it though, if Eve couldn’t resist a piece of red fruit, how was I ever supposed to resist ‘Little Miss Redheaded You’..? Like after I saw you filming, I told myself I’ll be satisfied with watching your videos, but then-”
“I told you to watch me in person,” I continued for her.
“And then we kissed on your birthday and I swear I tried to be good, but in the Wilde, Wilde words of Oscar… ‘The only way to get rid of a temptation’-”
“‘Is to yield to it,'” I finished ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ quote and her eyes widened. “I read it twice and listened to an audiobook copy, but I don’t get it. You need to explain the symbolism to me ’cause I’m hopeless.”
“Before this moment, I was sure that I wanted to keep you… But now, I’m super sure,” she told me, smiling wide. “I know a lot of people nowadays find Wilde problematic, but the guy has a way with words. And yeah, I truly believe in separating the art from the artist.”
Ignoring her tangent, I refocused our conversation on us. “Gray, wait, I don’t get it. If we like each other, why does it have to be so messy?”
“Because how I feel about you isn’t something I ever planned to act on… I only rationalized us sleeping together by telling myself that you’re straight and we’re just having fun. It was supposed to be safe,” she remarked with a heavy sigh. “But then one day, you’re not only telling me you’re bi, but you’re also into me. And at that point, what’s stopping us from being in a relationship?”
What she was saying dawned on me. I blinked as I commanded my eyes to remain strong and dry. “And that’s not what you want…”
“I’m sorry.” With a shake of her head, she broke whatever was left of my heart. “It’s not.”
My chest tightened. Silently counting to ten, I did everything I could to hold back my tears. “Because I went on that date?”
She shook her head, no. “I wasn’t lying to you when I said I’m not mad about that… I’m really not. Full transparency, in the heat of the moment, when I first saw you two, I was devastated,” she admitted. “I quickly realized how self-centered I was being though…” She added an anecdote about Blue Ranger reading her to filth since all things considered, she was the one who’d put herself in that position. “And yeah, you were right this morning–I was jealous.” A forced laugh escaped her lips. “Like I even went on this stupid rant about how you took someone else to a bar I showed you…” She rolled her eyes at herself as I remembered the revelatory neon sticker on the tequila bottle. “Which is something I have no right to be pressed about at all.”
I tightened my grip on her hand. “Like I said, if the roles were reversed, it would’ve destroyed me if I came home and saw you with another person in Apartment 202… Even if you’re not giving yourself permission to be upset, I still owe you an apology. I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through that. I was just in a bad headspace and you were gone, and I-”
“It’s okay, I get it,” she cut me off and squeezed my hand back. “Don’t worry about it… After everything I put you through, I deserved that and then some.”
“No, you really didn’t,” I argued. “And as pathetic as this makes me sound, you should know you don’t have to be jealous of anyone. Like if you want me, then you can have me. No joke, just say the word and I’ll be all yours. That’s like a win-win situation in my eyes.”
“I’m sorry.” This moment definitely took the crown when it came to the saddest I’d ever seen or heard her. “That wasn’t the point I was trying to make.”
“Just double-checking… This is still you trying to not hurt me, right?” A flat chuckle departed from my lips.
Her facial expression was one of shame and contrition. “I said that ’cause after you admitted your feelings for me and I intentionally misinterpreted what you said,” she acknowledged her misdeed again, taking accountability. “I continued sleeping with you ’cause I wanted to… Even if I could tell that something was wrong, and you were getting sadder and sadder, I kept at it for a while longer. And that was so, so selfish of me and I’m so, so sorry.”
In spite of her latest statements, ‘selfish’ wasn’t an adjective I’d associate with her… Weighed against everything she’d ever shown me, I wasn’t going to allow the worst thing she did to me mar my overall perception of her. “Stop beating yourself up… Even if I don’t understand your motives yet, I forgive you.”
“You’re too good to me. Drop-dead gorgeous looks, even better personality-you’re the whole package, Cass. You can have anyone you want.”
“Anyone, huh? You really think that?” I asked and she nodded decidedly. “Perfect ’cause I want you.”
“Mm, I walked myself right into that one.”
“Why don’t you wanna be with me, Gray?”
To be crystal clear, I wasn’t trying to be a glutton for pain or punishment. I just couldn’t understand her perspective. What she was saying didn’t track. If we both had feelings for each other, why didn’t she want us to be in a relationship? Yes, my opinion was a biased one, but we’d be phenomenal together. Like I’d love her, take care of her, feed her… I’d even be willing to become her socks’ caretaker if the constant mixing / mismatching wasn’t an intentional style choice.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Complicate it then,” I responded with a frustrated shoulder-shrug. “Make the whole situation as complex and convoluted as you want, and then describe it to me… Because I’m so, so desperate to see all of this from your point of view.”