“No worries, we all loved having you there.”
Without another word, I moved to the kitchen then began rinsing the used glasses and other tableware in our sink. As soon as Gray realized what I was doing, she asked me to stop helping her. “Hey, no, Cass, you don’t have to do that!”
She gripped my hips from behind and pulled me away… Which was counterproductive since it just caused soapy water to drip onto the tiled floor. We struggled for a bit, but I was able to make her let me go.
All of a sudden, something clicked in my brain. I was experiencing such an intense deja vu moment, it was so poignantly powerful, I felt nauseous. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. This Apartment 202 scene was almost an exact replication of one that’d happened around a year ago. That day was only a few weeks after my arrival, while today was only a few weeks ahead of my departure. It seemed we’d come full circle… Was the temporal symmetry-Poetic or tragic? Perhaps both?
“Cass, you don’t have to-”
“I know,” I interrupted her. “I know you don’t need me. But I want to help out, okay?”
“Wait.” Her worried eyes studied my face. “Why are you crying?”
Confused by her question, I brought my fingertips to my cheeks and I realized they were wet. I used my shirt to wipe away my surprise tears. “I don’t know. I didn’t even notice.”
Both her palms cupped my cheeks, I felt sparks. Her thumbs swiped over my tear-stained face. “What’s wrong? How can I help?”
I paused. She sounded so genuine, so concerned. “Kiss me.”
She dropped her hands. Losing her touch was devastating. It nicked all of my nerves and smothered the tinge of hope I had left. She took a step back, a step away. “I told you, I don’t want us to do that stuff anymore.”
“Why not?”
“I just think we’re better off as normal friends.”
I scoffed then glared at her. “When were we ever ‘normal friends’ though?” Her statement was the last push I needed to reach my red-hot boiling point. After all the turmoil and anxiety, I was no longer capable of holding back what I needed to say. I was done pretending everything was fine between us. I couldn’t keep faking it any longer. “A couple months ago, you told me that from day one, you never expected us to have a normal friendship. What changed?”
“Please just drop it.”
“No. I know you don’t want to talk about this ’cause if you did, we would’ve hashed everything out already. And I swear, I tried to let it go, but I fucking can’t…” As the seconds ticked by, I became more and more emotional. “I don’t understand what changed-what I did wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” She walked back to the living room. It was evident that she wanted to avoid fanning the fire, but I refused to let her off the hook. Intent on finally dealing with things, I overtook her. I stood in front of her and blocked her way.
“No, tell me how come one date ruined what you and I have. Like Christ, I didn’t even sleep with her!” I was yelling now. “And you told me to ‘explore’-” I made mocking air quotes with my fingers. “Remember?”
“I do.”
“Then why are you acting this way? ‘Cause if me seeing other people makes you jealous, then that’s something we need to talk about. If you want us to be exclusive, then you need to tell me… I’m not a mind reader, so don’t fault me for a mistake I didn’t know I was making!”
“I-” She closed her mouth, shaking her head. “I don’t want us to be exclusive. It’s not that simple.”
Her disheartening words felt like a punch to my gut, but I powered through the pain. “What does that even mean? If it’s ‘not that simple,'” I repeated scornfully. “You tell me what’s going on then. I’ve tried my best to figure out your angle, to understand where you’re coming from… But I can’t. Why are you punishing me for something that you, yourself, told me I should do? It makes no sense at all.”
“Punishing you?” She knitted her eyebrows together. “How?”
“You know how.”
“By not having sex with you?”
In response to her clarification, I steeled my features before nodding. “Yes. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s how I feel.”
She looked conflicted. “The last thing I ever wanna do is invalidate your feelings, but I’m not trying to punish you… I swear,” she vowed and I narrowed my eyes at her dubiously. She let out a sigh as her shoulders sagged. “Given that you read my actions as me punishing you, this is gonna sound messed up… But the truth is, this is me trying not to hurt you more than I already have.”
“What?” I gaped at her, incredulous. “Gray, if this is you not hurting me, then what do you do to the people who actually get on your bad side? ‘Cause god, I feel awful right now. These past two weeks have been a living hell,” I stated, voice shaking. “If you’ve been trying to spare my feelings in some warped way… Can you please, please just cut to the chase and get all your anger out of your system? Just say what you need to say to me, so we can go back to how things were.”
“Swear on my life, I’m not angry with you though,” she reiterated. “I know I sound like a broken record at this point… But I mean it, Cass.”
“Bullshit. Of course you’re mad at me!” My reinvigorated shouting caused her frown to worsen. “If I came home and saw you with someone else here-” With my hand, I motioned to our immediate surroundings. “That would’ve ripped me to absolute pieces… It would’ve broken my heart, so please just curse me out, fight me, whatever. I just- I can’t handle all of this guilt.”
She reached out and gave my right shoulder a brief, comforting squeeze. “I’m not gonna fight you… And you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty over.”
“Of course I do! I–”
“You know as well as I do that I’m the one who should feel guilty.” Visibly ashamed, she cut the eye contact between us. “Like you said, I’m the one who advised you to explore and that hurt you… Then I continued hurting you every time we had sex thereafter,” she sighed out. “Again, I’m not mad at you, Cass, ’cause I made my bed… And that means, I’m not allowed to be upset over whoever sleeps in yours.”
Blinking in surprise, I connected the dots. “I knew it… It wasn’t all just in my head then,” I murmured. “I tried to believe that the whole thing was an honest misunderstanding… But I can be half-asleep mumbling out nonsense and somehow, you’ll understand me just fine.”
“I just-”
“I was right,” I continued, not letting her cut in. “I poured my heart out to you and you willfully misinterpreted what I was saying… Didn’t you?”
With her eyes downcast, she nodded her head. “Yes, I pretended like I didn’t understand what you were saying… I played dumb.” Finally, cracks were appearing on her perfect facade, her golden armor. “But I didn’t wanna lie to you.”
“I know you didn’t lie to me, but I just wish you were fully honest,” I said sadly. “I’m a big girl, I could’ve handled the truth… It would’ve hurt, but you should’ve just told me you didn’t like me back.”
“You really don’t get it.” She combed her hair away from her eyes. “If I told you I didn’t like you back, that would’ve been me lying to you.”
Once her words registered, I gawked at her. “Wait. What did you just say?” She parted her lips to respond, but her phone’s alarm blared from the coffee table. I read the time on the wall clock, checking the blue LED numbers. “You have to go…”
“It’s Sunday.”
I let out a sigh of defeat. I turned to face the direction of my bedroom. “Okay then, see you later or whatever.”
“Wait, just wait-” She took my hand before I could walk away. “I don’t wanna leave you like this.”
“It’s alright.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I know your secret Sundays are important to you–I get it.”
“True, but you’re more important to me.” Unsure if her claim was factual, I just pursed my lips. “Come with me?” Her unexpected invitation made me furrow my brow. “You’ve asked me so many times where I go every week. Well, today’s your lucky day ’cause you can finally find out.” She grinned at me. “Unless you don’t want to go, then we can both just stay here… Your call.”
“But you never miss your Sunday-thing.”
“Not true. I’ve missed it twice… For my twin’s appendectomy and for my best friend’s wedding,” she corrected. “I prefer not to skip it, but I’m willing to for important stuff. And I know it doesn’t seem like it based on my recent behavior, but you’re very, very important to me. Which means I’m not letting you out of my sight until we fix this… I’ll go if you go, I’ll stay if you stay. Again, it’s your call.”
I nibbled on my lower lip. Ultimately, I nodded, accepting the invite. “What should I wear?”
“It’s really casual, so anything you want.” Suddenly, her familiar smirk reappeared. “But if you’re taking suggestions… Either a ball gown or a bikini.”
Chuckling and rolling my eyes, I raised my middle finger to give her the bird. We entered our own bedrooms, took turns using the bathroom and got ready as quickly as possible. I was bummed that our colossal conversation was getting cut short at such a critical moment. But I couldn’t deny that I was looking forward to finally uncovering this part of her life. Whatever it may be.