“Okay, I’m gonna give this my best shot… Remember the day we met?” She asked and I nodded, yes. I didn’t mention it out loud, but I even remembered what she was wearing during my roommate interview. A cornflower blue romper. “After you left Apartment 202, my sister offered to keep paying for her half of the rent and just use your room for storage.”
“I was right all along then. She doesn’t like me.” I wasn’t the type of person who needed to be liked by everyone… But Gray’s family members were important to me because they were important to her, so the confirmation of my fears stung. “You shouldn’t have sugarcoated that.”
“No, wait. I wasn’t just trying to make you feel better. She likes you,” my roommate stressed the three words. “It’s just that at first, you reminded her of a person she absolutely hates… Like even some of my friends clocked that supposed resemblance when they first met you, but I never saw it.”
Further deflated by her last disclosure, I let out a sigh followed by a strained chuckle. “Here I thought your friends were fond of me… Guess I got that wrong, too.”
“They absolutely adore you. You know that.” She rubbed my hand to comfort me. “Anyway, that person is an ex of mine who not only broke my heart but also inadvertently destroyed one of my best friend’s relationships at the time,” she said bitterly and I mentioned Green Ranger by name. She squinted at me, puzzled. “Yeah… How’d you know that? Did she tell you?”
“No, she didn’t,” I answered with a sheepish grin before imitating one of her go-to impressions. “‘Elementary, my dear Gray,’ all six of you are so close… But only you two have matching tattoos,” I pointed out. “And I always thought there had to be a reason for that, so yeah, it was just an educated guess.”
“Huh,” she said, stunned but smiling. “That’s actually hella perceptive… I’m impressed.”
“I just pay attention to everything you tell me.”
“Thanks. Hearing that feels good.” In response, I simply told her she was welcome. “Back to what I was saying… I know you know I didn’t finish my degree, but the reason I stopped going to school during my last year was because I broke up with that particular ex,” she recounted. “Similar to you, she realized she wasn’t straight after we began casually hooking up… After a few months of us messing around, she told me she wanted us to date for real. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was stupid enough to give her a chance.” It was clear she was rushing through the story, not wanting to bring up more than the bare minimum. “In the end, it all blew up in my face and the fallout that followed was the worst thing I put my friends through.”
“Are you bringing this up because you think something similar is gonna happen with us?” I asked and she just pressed her pink lips into a tight line. “Why though? Gray, I’m not her.”
“I know you’re not. That’s not the issue,” she asserted and I raised an eyebrow, urging her to elaborate. “The issue is although I’ve worked really hard to get over what happened back then and I’ve genuinely moved on… I’m still me.”
“What does that mean?” I asked. “I’m starting to regret telling you to complicate the explanation… ‘Cause you just started and I’m already lost.”
“That’s on me,” she acknowledged with a chuckle. “What I’m trying to say is I’m a great friend, but I’m not good with the love-stuff.” She sighed heavily. “Actually, scratch that, I’m terrible at it. Just to name a few of my many defects, I’m horrible at replying to texts,” she described herself. “I’m also the type of person who doesn’t think twice about canceling plans last-minute in case my family or friends need me… And I’m not domesticated-not at all,” she emphasized. “Not joking, I once microwaved a salad.”
“Alright, given that you’re a vegetarian, the salad story is equal parts funny and sad. But I’m honestly not surprised.” I chuckled lightly. “You’re not telling me anything new here.”
“I doubt you remember this, but the day after I broke up with my ex… I mentioned how my sister criticizes me for my willingness to look past red flags in exchange for good sex.” Her thumb stroked my hand again. “I think you might be doing something similar when it comes to us.”
I remembered the conversation she was pertaining to. That was the talk wherein she told me she loved me for the first time, so it was immortalized in my mind. “I don’t see the things you just mentioned as ‘red flags’…”
“But you should!”
“But I don’t.”
“But you should…”
“I don’t care if on average, it takes you days to reply to texts. I mean, I’m probably gonna struggle with that more once we no longer live together, but I’ll manage,” I clarified. “And I love your family and friends, so in case they need you, I won’t take that against you… Lastly, I couldn’t care less if you don’t think you’re domesticated. Why would I? I’ve been living with you for a while now and I can’t think of one thing you do that bugs me.”
“That’s just ’cause if you were queen of the world, you’d let me get away with murder.” Her claim made me chuckle, but I didn’t dispute it. Without warning, she let go of my hand then lay down on the park bench. Her head rested on my lap. “It’s impossible to see the red flags while you still have rose-tinted glasses on… But once you remove them, you’ll realize I’m not good enough for you.”
Blatantly ignoring her ominous (and inane) warning, I gazed down at her and she smiled up at me. “You have such an ugly view of my face… Low-angle shots are never flattering.”
“What are you talking about? You look gorgeous from every angle…” In the past few hours, most of the dim clouds had dissipated. The sunshine was forcing her to squint. I hovered my hand over the top half of her face to shield her eyes. “Do you know what tetrachromacy is?”
“Yeah, duh,” I deadpanned and she laughed softly. “But just to check if you know it, too… Define it for me.”
“That makes sense. Disclaimer though, for the millionth time, I’m a dropout, so feel free to fact-check me on this.” She gave me a big grin. “Okay, basically, it’s a theory about how retinas perceive colors… Majority of the human population are trichromats, which means their eyes have three channels or ‘cone cells’ to process color information. A tetrachromat, on the other hand, has four of such channels… Am I accurate so far?”
Confused, I quirked an eyebrow at her, but then I remembered the premise I set. “Oh, right. Pretty accurate,” I commented. “You’re doing well… But keep going ’cause I wanna make sure you really understand.”
“Got it,” she chuckled out. “That fourth cone allows them to see colors that aren’t on the typical rainbow spectrum… Some researchers say a trichromat can see a million colors, while a tetrachromat can see millions upon millions of colors that are imperceptible to the majority of mankind. The end,” she finished. “Cut to: ‘the more you know PSA meme.'”
“Congratulations, you passed. Solid B-plus… Thanks for the effort.”
She feigned being offended. “B-plus? That was an on-the-spot presentation… I deserve an A-minus at least.”
“Mm, if you really want an A… You can always ‘stay after class to earn extra credit.'” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively and she laughed. “All jokes aside, are we discussing this ’cause you’re a tetrachromat?”
“Nah, I wish. My sister claims she’s one, but I’m pretty sure she just says that to justify her addiction to blending ink and drawing on practice skin… The reason I’m talking about this though is because I think it’s a great way to summarize how I feel about you and us.”
“Go on.”
“I know I’m one of the luckiest people in the world. I have a twin and five best friends… But when it comes to you, Cass, I want to be greedy. I want you in my life forever,” she stated resolutely. “And if I lost you, it would be like reverting to trichromacy after experiencing tetrachromacy… ‘Cause the world looks different, better with you in my life. Does that make sense?”
“A lot of sense, actually.” Gently, I held her cheek and rubbed her smooth face. “I call it ‘double vision’… Your thing is so much better though.”
“Double vision, how come?” She asked from where she was still resting on my lap. I proceeded to explain to her my own analogy in a far less eloquent way. “You feel it, too, then…” She said and I nodded, yes. “So, you also understand why we shouldn’t be together?” She asked and I shook my head, no. “Cass…” With a patient smile, she called my name and I shrugged. “To summarize, I just can’t justify risking what we have for a few months or even years of a relationship that’s most likely fated to end.”
“Fated to end?” I repeated, perplexed not only by her pessimistic statement but also how certain she sounded. “How are you so sure that’s gonna happen though? I get what you’re trying to say, but it’s such a defeatist mindset… You can’t predict the future.”
“You’re right, I’m not a psychic. But I can at least refer to the past to have an idea how the future will plausibly play out,” she shot back. “And I know next to nothing about the sport, but in tennis terms… When it comes to love, both our scores so far are ‘love,’ too.” Her attempt at cleverness didn’t make me smile. “Building on that, I’m not friends with any of my exes… Are you?” Remaining truthful, I answered in the negative. “See?”
“Let me get this straight, you don’t want us to be together because you’re not sure we’re gonna make it in the end? And you don’t want us to ever be exes?” I outlined and she nodded. “Gray-”
She sat back up and I immediately missed our physical contact. “Think about this, I met my best friends years ago. And in the time between then and now, our bond has just gotten so much stronger… In that exact same period, I dated multiple people-none of whom I kept in touch with,” she noted. “I just don’t know how to be friends with someone I used to date, my brain isn’t wired that way.”
“I understand, but-”
“I want you to be in my life forever. Like until we’re old and both gray, and if our chances of making that happen are much better as friends… Why would we take a riskier route? I truly believe that what we have is something people spend lifetimes seeking but never finding. I don’t even know how we found it the first time ’cause I wasn’t even aware I was looking for anything,” she stated with a small smile and a faraway expression. “What I’m trying to say is what we have is special. It’s enough for me and I’m really hoping it can be for you, too.”
“You’ve put a lot of thought into this…”
“You know I’m such a chill person and I rarely get stressed. But this has honestly been taking such a toll on me… I don’t even remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep.”