As soon as my tongue touched her lips though, she pulled away. My body moved on its own, chasing her mouth. However, she held me by my hips to maintain the gap between us. In that moment, there was nothing in the world that I wanted more than for us to start kissing again. It was all my brain could think about.
I couldn’t though-she wouldn’t let me.
Once I recovered my bearings, I stepped back. I ran my eyes up and down her body, admiring her once again in the dress she was wearing. Her tattoos had been set aglow by the lighting system that was blanketing the club in technicolor shades. I shook away the haze in my mind, I raised my voice to compete with the deafening music.
“Sorry, Gray.” I had no idea what I was apologizing for. I didn’t regret what I did. Not even for the sliver of time in between two seconds.
“Huh? All good!” She flashed me a smile then hugged me. “Happy New Year!” She kissed my cheek.
It was silly, but all I could think about was how her lips had missed their real target (mine). I was going to greet her back, but Blue Ranger came over. Her almond-shaped eyes were full of mirth and mischief. At present, her hair was dyed platinum, so it was chameleon-like, reflecting the colors from the lights above. She placed her arms around mine and Gray’s shoulders. She then brought our faces together to get us to kiss again.
To be honest, if Gray was game, then I was more than willing for a sequel to our kiss-a whole saga if she wanted.
“We’re not an item and we weren’t making out,” Gray denied the accusations. “What you were perving on was just a New Year’s kiss between two friends.” In response to her defensive statements, Blue Ranger exaggeratedly puckered up and asked for a ‘friend-kiss.’
After rolling her eyes, Gray met her best friend’s request. Unlike during our kiss, she had no problem with slipping in a bit of tongue this time. Since I was standing so close, I had a front-row view of the two of them lightly making out for like half a minute. Damn, Gray seemed like such a good kisser. I couldn’t stop wondering how her tongue would feel in my own mouth, how it tasted… Why did she have to pull away before I could find out? The playful lip-lock ended with both of them laughing and pretending to gag.
After the funny skit, Blue Ranger’s younger date came around and jokingly demanded to know what was going on. Following a few teasing jests, (for some dumb reason) Gray ended up kissing her, too. Though it lasted a few seconds and no tongues were involved, their kiss was harder for me to watch. Seeing it made my insides feel all weird. Like they only met each other tonight… Why were they kissing? Ridiculous. Inexplicably annoyed, I tore my eyes away from my roommate. She was just having fun. Unlike on the dance floor, this wasn’t a situation where I could falsely stake my claim over her.
In addition to New Year’s Eve, their group was also celebrating because Green Ranger, who lived out of state, was home for the holidays. They were all incredibly glad to be reunited-to be complete for the first time in nearly a year… And Gray always looked happy, but tonight, she was nothing but smiles. When I’d asked her about her RSF (Resting Smiley Face) earlier, she just told me ‘life was beautiful and the world made sense.’ And yeah, the last thing I wanted to do was ruin anyone’s night, especially since I knew I was being irrationally jealous and possessive.
Telling myself to get it together, I reached for one of the many liquor bottles and half-filled my glass. I downed my drink in one-go. I was hoping that the rough burn from the alcohol would erase the tingles I still felt on my lips. ‘Just a New Year’s kiss between two friends,’ I repeated to myself again and again. Plastering on a smile, I returned to Gray. I wrapped an arm around her waist, so we could carry on partying. Carefree as ever.
. . .
Sooner than I’d expected, my personal connection to Gray had a tangible effect on my profession. Unlike what I’d originally predicted, my first big opportunity had nothing to do with the short videos I created for Scopescape’s Moonbow collection. Instead, it came in the form of an email I’d received last week from Pink Ranger and her girlfriend… And this morning, they let me know I got the job!
At first, I’d entertained the too-good-to-be-true possibility that they were asking for my resume and reel because they were considering me for an Acanthis ad. Which would’ve been a massive career opportunity… For me, their shipping company’s long commercials were some of the best in terms of storytelling. Their tale-centric ads were ones I was pretty sure people hesitated skipping while binging YouTube videos. But after I’d reread the email, I realized that the project was for a charity foundation affiliated with Acanthis. A task that was more up my alley. Career-wise, I had no delusions of grandeur, I knew my directing reel was still very much a work-in-progress.
However, if I was serious about writing and directing a real film within my lifetime, then projects like this were the ones I needed to continuously land. For the mere chance to be taken seriously one day, I had to collect enough ‘industry experience building blocks’ that would lend credibility to my craft, talent and vision. So, I was incredibly grateful that Gray’s friends were willing to take a chance on me.
The best part though..? Unlike all of my past directing gigs, I was getting paid a competitive rate! No lie, I would’ve done the whole thing pro bono, not only because they were my roommate’s friends but also because it was technically for charity. Pink Ranger was adamant about properly compensating me for my time and work though (god, I loved her).
I told Gray the news, and she congratulated and hugged me in our living room. “Thank you!” All of a sudden, my smile fell as an intrusive thought popped up in my brain. “Uh, Gray, can I ask you something?”
“What’s up?” Doing so screamed insecurity, but I asked if she had anything to do with the offer. “Have you ever imagined me as a guy? Like do you have a gender-bent version of me in your head?”
“What?” I was so confused by her questions. “No, why?”
“Just wondering how big you think my dick would be if I had one… You know, given how much sway you think I have over my friends,” she shot back. “Cass, I wish you’d believe in yourself half as much as I do because if you did-I swear, you’d be unstoppable.”
“I promise I’ll try harder… Thanks, Gray.” I reached for her hand and squeezed. “For everything.”
. . .
Three weeks of the new year had come and gone, and Valentine’s Day was fast-approaching.
The last thing I’d ever do was complain about the quality time I spent with Gray. We each had our own obligations, so I cherished every moment I was around her. In all honesty, at this point in time, being with her whenever possible was the top priority for me since our lease was going to be up in like four months. An end date that kept me awake later and later as it drew closer and closer… No matter how much I told my brain to ease up, I couldn’t stop worrying about what would happen to us once we no longer lived together. All the relentless uncertainty had stressed me out enough that I was almost halfway through my coloring book.
I couldn’t remember dreading anything as much as I dreaded moving out of Apartment 202.
Nevertheless, I couldn’t deny that prioritizing Gray had hindered my secret side hustle. So, when she’d mentioned that she was having a so-called ‘tattoo conceptualization sleepover’ at her twin’s place… I’d jumped at the golden opportunity being home alone provided me. Although it’d take a toll on my body, I’d even planned to film three videos. A triad of adult content pieces, just in time for Valentine’s Day.
Full transparency, I still wouldn’t call this part of my life easy… But I’d made my peace with it. And really, if I had an ethical issue with what I was doing, I wouldn’t be doing it. I wasn’t taking advantage of or hurting anyone though. In the eyes of the law, this wasn’t illegal-and in my eyes, this wasn’t immoral. There were many things that kept me up at night, but guilt from monetizing my body to subsidize my income wasn’t one of them.
Yeah, I made sure I was never identifiable in the R-rated stuff I produced, but that was due to the social stigma surrounding this kind of thing. Although it was something I saw as unproblematic, I wasn’t callow enough to believe that everyone shared that mindset. Like my mom’s heart would break if she found out I was moonlighting as an amateur porn producer… Furthermore, given how small my hometown was, I had to think about my young brothers’ well-being, too. The idea of them getting bullied because of my choices wasn’t something I’d be able to live with.
Societal and familial implications aside, this sideline would never turn me into a millionaire, but it at least gave me enough financial breathing room to not panic when my monthly bills were due.
Adult-content subscription services were frequently talked about in my social circle, so I’d known they existed for years now. However, it was only after my last relationship (with ‘Mister Too Much Aftershave’) had ended that I looked into how they worked. This was during a time when I was not only heartbroken but also bored because the show I used to work for had been on a hiatus… I couldn’t find any gigs or part-time work, so I had nothing to keep me occupied. And yeah, ‘an idle mind was the devil’s playground,’ right? So, performing Olympic-level mental gymnastics, I’d convinced myself that I had nothing to lose… Then I just went for it at my old place when none of my three roommates were home.
After the first video I’d posted, the rest was history… I wasn’t rolling in the dough, but as a person who’d always lived paycheck-to-paycheck, the additional income stream was freeing. Without a doubt, my secret side job as a ‘spicy accountant’ made it easier for me to make ends meet.
For video number one, I was on my bed. Using a hands-on approach, I played with myself. It’d been a while since I last filmed like this, so it took some time to get warmed up and find my rhythm. Once I did though, it was a breeze… The fact that I hadn’t climaxed in more than a week worked in my favor. After my first ‘performance,’ I double-checked the footage. I replaced the SD cards then moved my recording set-up to the living room. I repositioned the lights, covered the couch with a dark blue blanket. I set up two tripod-mounted cameras at optimal distances. I never bothered with makeup for these shoots since my face wasn’t visible / clear. After changing outfits and fixing my hair, I began filming again.