For video number two, I was wearing a deep red lacy lingerie set that vividly contrasted with our couch’s backrest. Since I’d used my fingers to get myself off on my bed earlier… This time, I had a sex toy in my right hand. A suction vibrator, like the one I’d gifted Gray but in a hot pink color. The nifty silicone toy’s piece de resistance was its multi-intensity sucking feature. But based on experience, its vibe end was also a godsend when it came to ‘self-care.’ Among my toys, the mini version of the widely recognizable ‘magic wand’ was my favorite because of its efficiency. The one I was playing with now came a close second though.
Since I’d developed an interest in films and filmmaking early, playing with toys had never been my thing. Dolls, handheld consoles or other popular fads from the 2000s..? None of those had ever appealed to me. So, it was safe to say that being a ‘sex toy aficionado’ in my late twenties wasn’t something I would’ve ever prophesied. However, ‘manually getting myself off’ ad nauseam couldn’t have stood the test of time… Which meant, along with inexpensive lingerie, new sex toys were factored in my tiny production budget.
Time for ‘the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth’… Earlier, during video number one, Gray had popped in my mind. After the initial feelings of shock and confusion, all I’d felt was guilt. Before anyone got the wrong idea, the fact that she was a woman wasn’t what bothered me. Although, at present, my mom and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things… I had to give credit where credit was due. When I was growing up, neither of my parents had taught me to hate or discriminate. On the subject of gay rights, my mom, in particular, had once said something that’d stick with me forever. For her, to be a true supporter of equality, acceptance cannot only be aimed at ‘other people.’ Like fundamentally, if a person genuinely believed we were all created equal, then they would have no issue with either themself or those closest to them being gay, too. So, no, the realization that I wasn’t as straight as I’d first thought didn’t upset me since it didn’t make me think any less of myself.
With that cleared up, the thing that was sending me into a tailspin was mine and Gray’s friendship. Friends weren’t supposed to touch themselves to the thought of their friends. It was unequivocally wrong for me to sexually fantasize about her. But I was barely able to erase her from my mind when I was in my bedroom… Now that I was in Apartment 202’s living room, the place where we hung out in the most-she was everywhere. In every nook and cranny, in any direction I faced. Helpless, I decided to deal with the repercussions later. I gave up and succumbed to the temptation.
Uninhibitedly, I let my mind run rampant, I let my imagination dip into brand-new fantasy wells full of oversaturated colors.
With one hand, I pulled my lacy underwear to the side, giving the lenses a clear view of the ‘money shot.’ With my other, I teased my wet opening with the smooth vibrating tip of the toy I was holding. As I built myself up, I remembered mine and Gray’s time together during New Year’s Eve. How good her body felt against mine as we danced in a sea of strangers, how soft her lips were during our midnight kiss.
Once I ran out of real memories, my sex-drunk brain changed tactics-it shifted from recollection to imagination, from repetition to creation.
“I’m 100% sure you and I have different standards when it comes to getting eaten out, Cass.”
In reality, she’d said the statement impassively. In my mind’s eye though..? Her words took on a far more seductive tone. I perceived it as a dare, a challenge. One that was too enticing to resist. Once I shifted to the ‘business end’ of the motorized toy, I was left with no choice but to pretend that the softness encasing and sucking on my clit was her all-natural lips. With my eyes closed, I even envisaged her wet tongue joining in the fun. In my head, her mouth was pressed against my sex, dutifully working me up and leading me to the precipice of pleasure, to the edge of ecstasy.
Imagining myself drowning in a pool of sex chemicals at her mercy, I came apart.
All of a sudden, while I was still in the middle of my heart-stopping, mind-numbing orgasm, Gray wasn’t just imaginary anymore. Evidently, while my eyelids were closed, as I was convulsing on the couch, the front door had opened. Now, my roommate was looking at me directly… Her blue eyes caught me in the act, red-handed with a full-body pink flush. Before I could say anything, before I could let out something more intelligible than the series of moans escaping my lips, she closed the door.
She was gone.
__________
Part Two
For the most part, the phrase ‘shot by Cupid’s arrow’ carried positive connotations. It was used to describe someone who’d fallen in love. But there was a reason why Cupid was seen as a trickster among the pantheon of Roman gods… In his quiver, he didn’t just carry golden arrows that caused love but also leaden ones that ‘drove desire away.’ Which was why I’d always found it strange that the cherubic winged-god was seen as a universal symbol for Valentine’s day.
All things considered, his capacity to create love equally matched his capacity to create heartache.
Cupid being an imperfect promoter of Valentine’s day was just one of the reasons I’d never been a fan of the annual event. Sure, like most businesses, I was hoping to profit from it. But now that the faux holiday had indirectly led to Gray catching me buck-naked as I filmed myself climaxing in Apartment 202’s living room… I wanted nothing more than to erase the accursed date from every single calendar in existence.
I was in such a state of brutal panic after Gray had closed the door… I’d only realized that her phone was ringing in her bedroom during my fifth attempt to call her. She’d probably shown up with no warning whatsoever to grab it. And, okay, sure, she lived here, too, which meant she should be able to come and go as she pleased. She wasn’t a visitor who had to inform me she was dropping by beforehand.
But still, who forgot their phone at home in the 2020s? It shouldn’t even be possible. Yeah, she was picked up by her twin, so it wasn’t like she needed it to book a ride. Yeah, she was super into ‘living in the moment,’ so she didn’t consider the gadget as an extension of herself. Yeah, she wasn’t a fan of text communication, so she primarily used it for professional duties and it was currently ‘after office hours.’ Yeah, she wasn’t the one who was filming a porno, so she was the innocent party in this entire mess. But, again, who forgot their phone at home in the 2020s?
Due to my mind’s foray into forbidden fantasies earlier, I was anticipating my night to be full of Gray-centric thoughts. They were supposed to be thoughts about fantasy-Gray though-not real-Gray! If I sounded frazzled, that was because I was… Frazzled, frantic and freaking the fuck out. My brain had been bouncing off the walls, visualizing doomsday scenario after doomsday scenario. It was excruciating and I was exhausted, but I was too amped up and anxious to sleep. Obviously, video number three was a no-go. So, after getting cleaned up, I sat on our couch fully clothed. I had a mug of tea that wasn’t calming me down at all.
My eyes stared at the front door. My ears perked up every time I heard footsteps in the corridor outside. My heart begged for Gray to come back, so I could explain myself. However, no matter how many times I wished for her to reappear, she didn’t.
. . .
There was blue that was bluer than blue, then so, so much black and then bright, bright white. The sequence of random colors ejected me straight out of dreamland. It brought me back to the real world, back to the consequences of my actions. “Gray!” I yelled out when my eyelids snapped open. It was too early to be shouting, but I couldn’t help it. “You’re here!”
I squinted, blinded by how bright it was in our living room. Daylight had come while I slept. I shook my head, feeling groggy and disoriented. I looked down, confused as to why Gray’s hands were on mine.
“Morning… I was trying not to wake you, but you were holding this.” She raised the mug I’d apparently fallen asleep clutching. She peaked at its contents then laughed. “Wait, this is like half-full… Is there alcohol in this? CBD? Is that why you passed out holding it?”
“No, just tea.”
I didn’t have the faintest idea why we were talking about a mug. Clearly, we had more pressing concerns. I knew for a fact I was sober, but I had to take a moment to wonder if I was hallucinating. Maybe, just maybe, my mind had actually split last night..? And I was now dealing with a fractured, broken brain.
“You hungry?” She brought the mug to the kitchen sink then opened a cabinet. “You want me to warm you up a couple of Pop-Tarts, too?”
“Uh, yeah, sure.” I got up from the couch. I knew I was still a ‘young adult’… But falling asleep in weird positions never used to hurt this much. “Be right back!”
I rushed to the bathroom. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and grimaced. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Last night’s angst-fest had taken a toll on my appearance. I washed my face then brushed my teeth. I told myself that everything would be fine. Yeah, I’d woken up in a ‘Truman Show’ version of my life, wherein Gray was dead set on acting like things were normal, but sure, everything would be fine. Totally, Cassidy.
“Cherry or hot fudge sundae?” Gray asked once I was sitting across from her at the dining table. I let her know that I’d just brushed my teeth and she grinned. “Nice, I wasn’t sure which one I wanted… Now, I can have both.”