‘Perils of being outdoorsy’, I manage. Then I sit up and stretch. Lexi makes protesting noises but I ignore her; I need a drink to help blunt the nervous energy I’ve picked up during the course of the afternoon. I pour myself a double of the good stuff, and shoot Lexi a glance. She hrms, then nods. So a double for her too. I manage to walk back to the couch without embarrassing myself and resume my seat. I hold up Lexi’s poison and she accepts it gracefully. ‘Cheers’, I say.
‘Health, wealth and beauty’ she returns.
Whisky on an empty stomach is far from the best idea I’ve ever had, but it burns its way pleasantly downwards. Soon, the ache in my head starts to wane and I feel myself relaxing again. I lean back, putting more weight against Lexi. She shifts herself around a bit and then settles down, and we watch the fire.
—
‘So who was the girl you liked?’ Lexi asks.
I smile wanly at the memory. ‘Her name was Simone. She was a visiting student from Holland.’
‘Pretty?’
‘I thought so. You know how tall Dutch girls are. And she had this beautiful cornflower blond hair. Kind of like yours. Grey-blue eyes. Lovely breasts.’
Lexi laughs at this. ‘Do you think she was interested?’ she asks me.
‘I dunno, Lex. I can’t cold read people. But she seemed to always be chatty; tried to get me to go running with her once or twice but it never worked out. Maybe she was just being friendly.’
‘You wanted more, though.’
‘I nearly failed English Literature because of her. I could watch her for hours. I think she caught me looking once or twice.’
‘And?’
‘She didn’t seem bothered.’
Lexi sighs. ‘You should have tried at least, Robs.’
‘Shoulda, woulda, coulda,’ I sigh back.
‘Defeatist’, Lexi mutters. She shifts, and I feel her leaning forward. She puts a hand under my chin and gently lifts my head back so she can look at me. ‘Next time, jump first, doubt second,’ she instructs from on high.
‘Yes Ma’am’ I drawl. We laugh, mine bittersweet.
‘I’m better off alone, anyway’ I say after a while.
‘Nobody’s better off alone, Robs’ Lexi disagrees. ‘We’re social, loving creatures. We need to be loved and cherished. Life is hard enough without forcing loneliness on yourself.’
‘I’m not actively forcing it on myself, Lex. Just… very choosey about what I want, I suppose.’
‘Choosy? Or too shy to take what’s offered?’
‘Maybe a bit of both.’
Lexi nudges me. ‘Oi. Move over, I need to stand up.’ I oblige and she slithers out past me. She stands, and stretches as before. I idly wonder if she’s aware of how hot it makes her look. She must be. Lexi’s aware of things like that.
‘I’m tired of hard tack’, she says. ‘If you and I are going to have a proper chin-wag, it’s going to be over wine.’ She wanders off to the kitchen, and I hear her rummaging. She returns with a bottle of red and some of our battered everyday glasses, into which she decants the Syrah she chose.
(We consider it a point of pride to never be without wine. One never knows when an emergency glass is called for.)
Lexi hands my share down to me, then turns and sits down on the floor next to me, scooting right up next to me as if we’re children. Shoulder to shoulder we sit, sipping.
‘So why so shy, Robs?’ she asks. ‘We’ve established that you’re hot, intelligent, fascinating, loving, and that representatives of the Dutch nation want to shag you silly.’
‘I dunno, Lexi. I guess… I guess I’m just scared of getting hurt.’
‘You can’t learn to run without falling once or twice.’
‘True, but I’d prefer to learn to run somewhere where I won’t break bones.’
‘Mm. So who’s your fantasy girl, then?’
‘Oh god… um. Natalie Portman.’
‘Her?’ Lexi makes a face. ‘She’s a great actress, but she’s a little cuckoo for my tastes.’
‘Crazy is interesting,’ I disagree. The wine is warming me and making me more talkative. It’s nice. Lexi is easy to talk to.
‘So what makes you like her?’ Lexi asks, intrigued.
‘Her ass’, I say without thinking.
Lexi screams with laughter. ‘God, Robs, you shoulda been born a guy.’
‘Woulda made things easier,’ I mutter, shamefaced.
‘So, what about her ass?’
‘God, Lexi, I dunno. It’s just…’
‘A perfect example of ass?’
‘You’re filthy,’ I laugh. ‘No… look, it’s the entire package, ok? She’s hot, intelligent, artsy, can act, has a nice sense of style, but isn’t so ridiculously attractive as to be entirely out of reach.’
‘Personally, I prefer Jodie Foster’, Lexi says.
I turn and give her a look. She stares at her wine, thinking. ‘Yeah, Jodie. Girl next door, slender, looks approachable, not a porcelain doll but a real woman. I’d do her.’
My jaw drops. Lexi turns her head and notices. ‘Shut your mouth, Robs, you’ll catch flies.’
‘Sorry, just processing that,’ I say.
‘You think too much, that’s your problem.’ Lexi says. ‘Learn to just listen to the music and watch the dance; stop trying to understand it or predict what’s going to happen next.’
Lexi puts her wineglass down, turns back towards me, and then suddenly reaches out her arm and pulls me closer. She looks deep into my eyes, and then before I can even think, she darts her head in and kisses me, full on the lips. I jerk, surprised, and Lexi breaks off.
‘See?’ she says, as she takes my wineglass and sets it besides hers. She turns back to me, and gives me a wide smile, before slowly moving in again. This time I’m expecting it, but the experience is so strange that I’m totally unable to respond at first. She pulls me even closer, and I reflexively part my lips. Before I can understand what’s happening, I’m kissing her, my arm clenched behind her and hers cupping the back of my head gently.
She breaks off for air, and I gasp a shaky breath.
‘I rest my case,’ she says, and she breaks free and picks up her wineglass to drain it. ‘And now you know what it’s like.’
‘Holy shit, Lexi,’ I manage.
‘Nice, isn’t it?’
‘Wow.’
‘Now you’re loved and kissed, and as the bard said, two out of three ain’t bad.’
I run my tongue over my tingling lips and then trace them with a fingertip; Lexi watches me with amusement, then leans her head against my shoulder and resumes watching the fire.
It takes a while for what she’s just done to really register. A small part of me is kicking and screaming about being kissed like that by my sister, while a much larger part of me is just awed that my sister kissed me like that.
‘Penny for your thoughts,’ she asks.
‘Confused. Conflicted.’
‘Conflicted how?’
‘That was the hottest thing ever. But you’re my sister.’
‘So good and bad, then.’
‘Some people would say so, yeah.’
‘But not you?’
‘I’m still too lost in how good it felt to be able to deal with the morality of it.’
Lexi chuckles. ‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’
‘Please, do. My head’s still spinning. Think I need to lie down.’
‘Stay right there,’ says Lexi. She gets up and grabs blankets and pillows and makes us a space between the couch and the fire. She sits down on the blanket, then beckons me. I choose the right hand side and slowly ease myself down, trying not to aggravate my head. Lexi lies down to my left, then rolls over towards me and regards me, with a sort of half-smile.
‘What?’ I ask, suspiciously.
‘I’d just always wondered what it was like to kiss a girl, is all.’
‘And?’ I ask. ‘Was it what you expected?’
‘Better,’ she says. ‘No stubble.’
I snort, and Lexi grins. Then she slides down a bit and lets her head down onto the pillows, still facing me. After a few moments silence, I roll over to face her. We lie, looking at each other, and I listen to her breathing. Suddenly, on a whim, I reach out to stroke her cheek.
She tucks her face into my hand and squeezes it gently against her shoulder, before releasing it. Emboldened, I trail my fingertips down along her neck to her shoulder, and notice goose bumps appearing behind them. Lexi shifts slightly, moving her head a bit closer.
As I reach the collar of her top, she shivers slightly.
‘Lexi?’, I ask.
‘Yeah?’
‘I really want to kiss you again.’
She smiles a languid smile, and then reaches out to wrap her topmost arm around me, pulling me in closer. As she does so I realise, belatedly, that I’m not wearing underwear and that my nipples are really hard. I’m pretty sure she notices this, but she makes no comment.
Soon I can feel all of her against me, and I struggle to think of a time that I’ve felt as happy.
Her lips are soft, and she uses a melon lip-gloss that I’ve always been able to smell but until now haven’t tasted. I awkwardly put my free hand on her back to give me something to hold onto, then cannot resist sliding it further down, expecting protest but receiving none.
Lexi’s lips part, and after a moment of confusion I let mine follow her lead. She slowly explores and teases me with her tongue, becoming more insistent, and I can feel my heart racing.
I groan, then I have to break for air, and to gasp out a ‘wow.’ I duck my head and tuck it under her chin, and she pulls me hard against her again.
‘You ok?’ she whispers.
‘Overwhelmed. Never felt this way before.’
‘Then let me hold you till you’ve worked out what you’re feeling.’
She clasps me to her, then rolls onto her back and worms her right arm under my head, pulling me against her side and resting my head on her shoulder. I can’t think of anything to say; I’m consumed by my proximity to her, the feel of the soft swell of her breast touching mine, the dark undercurrent of helpess aching need I feel.
‘I could get used to this,’ I say, stupidly. She makes no answer, but reaches round to pull my hand across her body to clasp it against her midriff.
‘So now what?’ I say, softly.
‘Now, we chat.’
‘After that? I don’t think I can form proper sentences anymore.’
She turns her head to give me an amused look. ‘Lightweight.’
‘Inexperienced, remember.’
‘Doing quite well despite that,’ she says.
‘Really?’ I respond, intrigued.
‘LetaTMs just say my body’s impressed and leave it at that.’