I squeeze her as best I can, and slowly the shaking stops. She takes a deep, shuddering breath, and scrubs at her eyes with the back of a hand. Impulsively I plant a kiss on her forehead; something she’s always done to me but that I’ve never reciprocated, till now. I feel an upwelling of fierce love for my sister, this strong but fragile woman who weathered everything life threw at us while still managing to raise me on the straight and narrow path. I snort at the inadvertent pun, then shake my head at Lexi’s puzzled frown.
‘Come up here’ I say. ‘There’s room for both of us.’ I wriggle back against the backrest of the couch, and make room for Lexi to squeeze herself in just in front of me. It works because she’s a waif and I’m slender; if either of us had any spare weight she’d be on the floor. It’s a tight fit, but we manage, and I wrap my left arm around her to hold her against me.
—
We lie, listening to the fire hissing. My breathing falls into a natural rhythm, and hers slows to match it. I can smell her now; the geranium scent she always wears intermingling with the smell of her skin. I try to keep my arm somewhere neutral, but to me nowhere on her body really fits that description any more. If I just close my eyes I can remember her in vivid detail. I cast around desperately for a safe topic of conversation, and come up blank.
a This is so nice’, Lexi says suddenly. ‘Just to be held, for once.’
‘Now you know why I always came running to you when I was sad. You give the best hugs.’
‘I think you might have me beaten there,’ she says. ‘Seriously, though, I can feel every muscle in your stomach right now.’ This embarrasses me and I try to pull away, but Lexi protests. ‘No, don’t go away. It’s nice. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy how strong you are.’
I stop trying to wriggle away and just lie still for a while, with Lexi pressed up against me. Her comment has aroused my curiosity, though, and I take the chance to pry. ‘How long’s it been?’
‘Too long,’ she responds with barely a pause.
‘Surely there must be somebody?’
‘All by myself… ‘, she sings, before sighing.
‘Why?’ Short, direct questions seem to be working.
‘I got burned.’ She sighs again, then takes a deep breath. ‘Men lie, Robs. At least you don’t have to worry about that.’
‘No, I just get to fall for people who don’t want me.’
‘Trade you,’ she says, quietly.
‘Believe me, you don’t wanna.’ I reply. ‘Boobies everywhere and I can’t seem to get my paws on any.’
Lexi cackles, and after a short gap I join in, realising how self-pitying I’d just sounded.
‘Girls be crazy’ she says once she’s calmed down. ‘I can’t believe nobody’s wanted to jump your bones yet.’
‘You know me, Lexi. Couldn’t chat up a hooker if my life depended on it.’
‘Ah, crap Robs’ she says. ‘You’re so easy to talk to.’
‘That’s just because I like you, Lex.’
‘Hah. I’m a difficult, high maintenance bitch, Robs.’
‘Who the hell said that?’
‘Andrew did.’
‘That fuckshit!’ I exclaim, enraged. ‘I’ll fucking kill him if I ever see him again. How dare he! Jesus, Lexi, you’re not difficult at all. You’re an open book to me; all you need is your own space and nobody messing with you and you’re perfectly happy. Christ, what an arsehole.’
‘An open book, huh?’ she says.
‘Big print children’s book’ I say, still fuming at the sheer idiocy of her ex. My fingers twitch spasmodically as I enjoy a pleasurable fantasy about throttling him.
Lexi takes my left hand and pulls my arm round herself, wrapping herself tighter against me. My anger slowly ebbs.
‘I’ve always been able to read you,’ I say after a while. ‘Well enough to know your mood anyway. Anyone who cared for you at all would be the same.’
She sighs, but says nothing at first. Then, ‘So have you ever been kissed, Robs?’
I’m taken aback by her renewed scratching around my lack of love-life. ‘Why do you want to know?’
‘Because I’m curious. We’re home, there’s nothing to do, you can’t escape, and I’m bored. Putting you on the spot distracts me and provides amusing answers and blackmail material.’
I briefly consider fibbing, then realise it’s futile. ‘No. Never been kissed, never been laid, never been loved.’
Lexi wriggles around to face me, an incredulous look on her face. ‘Seriously, Robs, were you under a rock throughout school?’
‘Hello, Expulsion if caught, remember?’ I respond. Having her this close is extremely distracting. Her eyes are deep black pools now; the deepening gloom has obscured her pupils and I have the vaguely unsettling feeling that she can see into my soul.
‘Hello, walks in the woods, sports trips away, etc? How do you think I popped my cherry?’
‘Lexi!’ I gasp. ‘Seriously, you jumped someone while on orchestra tour?’
‘Well, as for the jumping, I’m not sure if I was the seducer or the seducee but yes. I lost my virginity to the second Clarinet.’
I can’t help myself, I start to laugh to the point where I’m almost retching. It takes me a while to regain my breath. By which time Lexi’s queued up the killer.
‘Woodwind players have amazingly dexterous tongues,’ she deadpans.
I die a little, and Lexi joins me, holding me tightly against her as we laugh ourselves to the point of hysteria. I finally get a grip and wipe my face, gasping a little. ‘My God, Lex, you have a foul mouth when you’re so inclined.’
She sticks her tongue out at me, then grins.
‘So… um,’ I begin.
‘Yes?’
‘What was it like?’
‘Which part?’
‘Sex’
She thinks for a bit. ‘Do you masturbate, Robs?’
‘That’s kind of a direct question, Lexi.’
‘Yes, or no’.
‘Um… yes.’
‘Ok, so, I’m sure you’ve had your fingers up inside you, right?’
And just like that, I’m aching again. I curse under my breath and squeeze my legs together, hoping Lexi won’t notice.
‘Robs? Yes or no answer.’
‘Um… yeah.’
‘Imagine that, only painful to start off with because you’re so nervous and you haven’t had time to get wet yet, only as it goes on, it’s so hot because you’re so worried about getting caught, that it becomes this ache inside you that feels like you need to be filled, and every time he pushes into you you feel like that ache is satisfied but you need more… you understand?’
‘God’
‘And it’s sticky and smells like musk and you can hear the panting and your heart is racing, and all you know is that you need it deeper in you, as deep in you as you can take it.’
She’s killing me.
‘And then, just when you can feel your orgasm starting to build, it’s over and he’s come. And then it’s just this massive let-down as he pulls out and you’re lying there thinking ‘Was that it?’
‘Your first time?’
‘My first N times, where N is a large number.’ she says. ‘Porn stars probably numb their thingies before going on set or something. Nobody I’ve been with has lasted long enough to write home about.’
‘Maybe that’s because you’re so damn hot,’ I mutter without thinking.
Lexi’s eyes widen, then she laughs. ‘You’re good for my self esteem, Robs.’
And she’s a terrible test for my self-control. The description she just gave me has made me acutely self-conscious; I’m probably awash below decks and am desperately trying not to bump any of my erogenous zones against her.
‘You ok, Robs?’ she asks. ‘You look a bit flushed.’
‘I am overheating a bit,’ I say, deadpan.
Lexi quirks an eyebrow at me, and raises a hand to touch my forehead. ‘Hmm. You do feel a bit warm.’
‘Let me sit up’ I say. Lexi scoots over a bit and I swing my legs over the front of the couch. This allows me to clear my head slightly – having Lexi right in my face like she’s been has really made it hard for me to concentrate; and I stare at the fire, trying to gain a bit of respite in the flames.
But then Lexi starts rubbing my shoulders, and I give up all hope of salvation. Clearly it’s my day to suffer.
‘Move down to the floor and then lean back,’ Lexi says. I oblige, but then regret it instantly when she places her legs on either side of me and pulls me back till I’m leaning against her.
God, it’s exquisite.
She works her fingers deep into my shoulders and I whimper a bit as she brutalises my neck and collarbones. ‘Gods, Lexi, that’s good. You should have been a dominatrix.’
‘Still time for me to change careers,’ she mutters. ‘Holy hell, Robs, do you go through life this tense?’
‘I guess so… I don’t really pay much attention to it…’
‘Your neck muscles are locked almost solid.’
‘It’s the stress of being so awesome.’
She laughs, and uses her elbows to really dig in on my shoulders. I swear I’m starting to drool as my head lolls back against her. I look up at her; at the intense expression on her face as she pushes down. I’m feeling tension I never realised I had draining away. My head’s even aching less, despite the lack of painkillers.
‘Better?’ she asks after a while.
‘Wrsfgl’ I manage. She chuckles, and rests her right hand gently on my shoulder. I reach my left up and squeeze hers gently, then hold it for a bit.
Then I take a chance, leaning my head gently against her left thigh. It’s warm and soft through the fabric of her tracksuit pants. She moves, frees her hand, and then starts to gently run it along my neck.
‘You have freckles,’ she says, surprised.
‘You never noticed?’
‘No. Guess we both won the fair skin lottery there.’