Jayson P. O. V.
I opened my mouth, and my words left my mouth.
” Why did you hurt me?” I didn’t mean to say it, but it slipped out. I licked my lips, waiting for her to say she was sorry or say it’s none of your business like she always tells me. But no.
She kept quiet and looked down at her lap, and I heard her sniff like she was trying not to cry.
Oh, Great. I guess I am the bad guy again. I am making her feel sad, and she is going to cry. So, in a matter of time or about a couple of seconds.
That when her tears will be falling like they always do.
When I make her cry.
Fuck! I am a stupid fucking dick and asshole.
Way to go, Jayson? I heard Jaze say in the back of my mind with a growl.
Then a couple of minutes go by…
“Look! I shouldn’t have asked you, and I just kept that in all their years about that day in the hallway.” I told her again, trying to keep our peace since we were back to school.
I saw her take her hand and rub her face.
” I am so sorry,” I heard her speak, but I wasn’t paying attention to what she said, so I asked her.
“What? did you say,” I told her, staring over at her. I want her to turn and look at me. But she kept her head down, and I saw her face.
I wanted to kick myself in the ass. Because of the look I see on my facial expression. Shame, sadness, and guilt. I should not ask her.
It wasn’t my business who she is with or likes.
So, what if she was kissing him.
I kissed a lot of girls over the years. Is it not like we are dating. I was trying to convince myself. I shouldn’t be mad at her for my jealousy and anger on Robert and my mother.
Yeah, as you said, Jayson, my inner voice said.
Besides, she doesn’t want you; why would she want someone who hurts her. That was when I didn’t hear positive thoughts but my negatives. Unfortunately, they are trying to creep their way into my head again.
I don’t need this right now. Not in front of her.
I need to block out my secret illness people don’t know about me. Maybe I didn’t take my medication today?
We were not dating or anything.
Damn it! Why do I have to be an asshole?
Why do I make her cry?
Because she hurt you? My negative thoughts tell me.
Oh, no, leave now. I don’t need your two cents! I told the angry thoughts I got in my head.
” Jayson? You okay,” I heard her ask me and touch my shoulder.
I turned my head and looked down at her hand on my shoulder.
That is when I started getting angry. Because what I been remembering back then was when she hurt me, and a month ago, she was with the same asshole.
He was supposed to been my friend too. But he was never my friend either. Instead, he was jealous of me. So, he pretends to be my friend. Just like Ashely, pretend to like me.
That was when I started fisting the steering wheel again, and I knew she could see what I was doing to the steering wheel.
I need to leave and go back to the guys and my clubhouse in the woods. I know my house is just right beside hers. But I think it better I stay at the cabin for a couple of days until I feel like myself again.
I don’t want to hurt her.
I never wanted to hurt her ever.
But I can’t keep my mouth shut. So, I started speaking awful and mean things to Ashely.
“Did you enjoy fucking him!” I say with a snarl in my voice.
She didn’t say anything. But I can tell she knew what I meant when I asked her she enjoyed fucking Robert, my friend. Well, I thought he was until he crushed that friendship.
I saw her look straight into my eyes. I saw the pain and hurt when I asked her about her and him together.
I saw her lick her lips, still staring at me. I wanted to grab her and throw her on my lap and tear off her clothes and fuck her.
But I didn’t; I just kept on hurting her with my words.
” That all right I can go find another girl; is it easy for me to fuck?” I told her with a chuckle and smirk on my face.
I waited for her to repeat back, saying fuck you, Jayson or go to hell! Like she always does when we are always getting in a heated hate and love fight.
But she didn’t; she just told me something I could not believe.
” I am so sorry about five years ago, but you got to believe me.”
I didn’t want Robert Howard to kiss me.” I wanted it to be you!” She says with hurt and truth in her voice.
I looked into her eyes to see if she was lying.
Then I saw it. She wasn’t.
She was telling the truth. But did I accept what she told me was true?
Nope! I had to laugh at her and call her a lying, cold, heartless bitch.
I saw her look at me with hurt and broken in her expression. I did the worst thing I could ever do to Ashely.
I threw her apology away like she was nothing to me.
But the truth is. She was everything to me, probably now.
But now I got a mate. But whatever we had between us, we always had.
I am done with her. I don’t care; I still have some feelings for her deep inside.
I knew it had to stop.
So, that is why I wanted to take her somewhere. But maybe I could say goodbye with one more kiss or touch. But now I see I am still can’t forgive her for what she did to me five years ago.
Even though I believed her when she told me she didn’t want him to kiss her, she wished it was me.
I took a deep breath. I tried to tell her yes. I believe you,
but instead, I told her.
“Get out!” I say under my breath with a snarl and anger when I tell her.
“What? Jayson, I am telling you, I didn’t want it.” Then, I heard her saying crying.
I wanted to grab her and tell her it was okay and a kiss on my forehead.
” I said get the fuck out!” I told her then told her what I wanted to say to her; I closed my eyes and tried to calm down my anger because just thinking about Robert touching Ashely.
I know I shouldn’t care. But, she has been nothing be stayed out of your way since we were in middle school. So, she is listening and obeying.
When I told her never to talk to me ever again. Because I hated an ugly heartless bitch like her, that’s what I told her.
After I didn’t hear her, I didn’t open up my eyes. I want her to get out of my car before I attack her. Then I couldn’t ever hurt her.
I have this nasty disease with my anger. I have not been on my medication. I should have got them refilled. But then my dad told me. I have the same disease like my mother.
I will never be like her. That was when I knew I needed to get her out of here before I said something or did something awful to her.
That was when I heard her sigh, opened my door, and started getting out of my truck. That was when I felt it. She was gone again out of my life, and I knew I said the thing that would break her.
It felt cold and alone again, just like that day when I returned from school when I saw my mother’s bags packed, and she was walking away from our once happy family-my father and me.
I sighed, and I knew I was just like her.
Even though I said, I will never. I just pushed and shoveled Ashely out of my sight once again. I had to open up my mouth, and it was nasty and ugly.
Fuck! I thought when I punched my rearview mirror, and I heard it shatter and break all in my truck.
I didn’t know I was bleeding until I saw the blood running down my hand.
I kept hearing the negative thoughts telling me.
I am nothing.
I am worthless.
I am damaged.
I never loved you.
You’re were a mistake.
“Fuckkkk! Me!”
Fuck.
Fuck.
I barked out and grabbed hold of my head, and banged it on the steering wheel.
I am just like her!
Cold.
Heartless.
Evil.
Monster.