Elena
I gather enough courage to drive myself to school. Scared to see the Quads. Especially Tyson. Scared to meet his eyes, that he was truly comfortable with blocking me.
” They left her completely this time, now she’s alone.” I hear some chuckles beside me, as I lay my hands on my locker.
A small smile spreads from my lips as if the gossip I just heard about me didn’t just crack my heart like a bomb attached to a wall.
I get my books out of the locker and slam it hard, to let them know that I heard the gossip about me. But no reaction, I fucking won’t. Let them say what they want.
It’s been over two weeks and since I haven’t heard anything from Miss Shepard, I can as well go back to the classroom. I slip my books into my arms and walk away, heading to the class.
It’s Monday again, and having the same subject I wouldn’t like to take for now.
The same subject that gave me detention. The same subject allowed me to know what love is. The same subject that gave me the chance to love and break me like I was nothing.
The bell rings and before she shows up at the classroom door, I run to my seat. Settling down and taking out the stuff I need for this class.
She’s dressed in a short black skirt, showing the rose tattoo on her lap. It’s my very first time seeing her in this kind of skirt. That’s none of my business anyway.
” Good morning, ma’am,” they mumble as usual, except me. I drop my eyes on my desk as if I was so scared of being the first person she will see.
” Thank you, y’all. Please settle down.” she smiles through the class, sitting down slowly on her chair.
She begins to take out her books, a long sigh leaving me after realizing she hasn’t seen me and had probably forgotten about me. Perfect. This is what I want.
” So today guys, it will be the end of the topic. PSYCHOLOGY,” she announces and the class cheers.
” Take out some pieces of paper. Test time!” she screams and everyone freezes. Test? Why? I don’t even know a thing. I mean I am not prepared, I couldn’t even do the assignment she gave me.
I turn to my left and right, seeing people taking out some pieces of paper. Shit, they all seem ready for the test except me.
My hands begin to shake as I try to get a piece of paper from one of my notebooks. I drop my phone on the desk, trying to pull one out but I mistakenly push my phone off the edges of the desk and it smashes.
I pause, feeling chills running down my spine. Sweat begins to bead on my forehead when I realize how silent the class is for the next few minutes after the fall of my phone.
My heart race, it isn’t the phone but the footsteps coming closer to me. Shit, I was going to avoid her seeing me but looks like I just got caught.
” Elena.” I tremble from the tone of her voice. Lifting my head to meet her eyes.
” Ma’am,” I say in a hushed voice.
” Get on your feet right now, Elena.” her voice is dangerous, causing the bones in my legs to shake as I rise on my feet.
” Do you think you should be here, Elen?” her eyes staring straight into mine. Like it’s about to rip me apart.
” S-sorry miss–” she cuts me off with her loud yelling voice.
” Go back to the library until you are done with your assignment,” she orders. Nodding my head with harsh tears in my throat. I begin to pack my books back into my backpack. Everyone stared and laughed at me.
I walk out slowly from the class, shutting my eyes tight as though praying for the ground to open up. I don’t care if it’s dark, I just need a place to hide from all of this!
Heading towards the library, the only place I don’t want to be in anymore, the only place I’m scared of being at this moment.
It’s the same place I would be locked in all by myself. But now I have no option, I can’t go to class until I’m done with this god-forsaking assignment.
I reach the doorstep and push it open slowly. As usual, the smell of books welcomes you. It’s a little dark and quiet like always, with only a little light pouring into the room from the windows.
My eyes fall on my desk and the other seat beside mine. That was where he sat with me. That was where I was the only thing he would stare at all day. I don’t want memories flooding my mind now, I take my eyes off his seat and settle down on mine.
I bring out my book and place it on the desk. As I’m about to take out my pen, I see some words on the desk written in black thick pen.
Elena, my pretty butterfly.
I wouldn’t trade you for anything, I love you so much.
You are so beautiful. You are the only butterfly in my garden.
I will always be with you. Forever.
I read it in his voice and my heart melts and cracks again when I see the date he wrote that. It was before they rejected me.
Fuck you! I scream slapping my hands on the desk.
I get up from my seat immediately, I won’t seat and write there anymore. I don’t want to see that! I don’t want to get reminded of him! My heart can’t take it, please!
Even though he is no longer with me, his words were the sweetest I’ve seen and heard. They were music to my ears.
My heart keeps breaking every second I breathe in here. The more I stay in this room I keep getting my heart bruised. I need to do the fucking assignment and get the hell out of this place!
I head for the shelf and pick any book of my choice. Maybe this time, I could find a book that will give me answers to the assignment.
I’m not going back to my desk, so I squat down on the floor leaning my back on the bookshelf. I have my book and pen in my hands.
I recall what the assignment says, so I open a blank page to write something down about love. Anything at all.
My Love Essay; What Love Feels like…
Hmm. I’m not good at this and I don’t care if I score very low in this write-up but I just have to write something down to get out of this place.
This is a love essay and I am writing it to someone and how he made me feel when I tasted love, for the first time.
I don’t want to call your name here.. but you used to call me your pretty butterfly.
I was just living until you came and it felt like you were the new reason to live for.
When I was alone you would come for me, to stay by my side and watch me all night like my personal guard.
You gave me kisses I would never have and would never taste as sweet as yours.
I love the way you stared at me all the time, that I even lost count.
I love the very first flowers I got and they were from you. It made my heart almost burst.
I love that you chose to love me, but now I think that is all gone because I will never have you by my side anymore. If not, you should be here with me, but you are not… you are not here and it hurts.
Is it true that beautiful things never last? Everything and every moment were beautiful with you.
I could wipe my tears and move on after the rejection, but it’s not so anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t forget about you. I’m in love with you.
I love you. I regret not telling you, but you can’t leave me like this.
No, you can’t just let go of what we were for no valid reason.
You were the only light in my life, you showed me how love feels.
This is not the end of the story, it can’t end here…
Please say you love me one last time…
***
My pen falls from my hands when I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I squeeze my chest tightly with my clenched hands, crying out the tears I didn’t realize I had left. Trying to breathe as my heart continues to break.
I let myself cry. I am heartbroken, I am allowed to cry. It doesn’t mean you are weak, Elen. Please cry it all out. I whisper to myself.