Elena
I watch myself shattering like broken glasses. I’m dumbstruck, all I do is laugh a lot like I’m going insane, because I’m too hurt to peel a single tear, too broken to cry, too broken to move my lips, too broken to speak to anyone, the easiest is laughing as though I have a mental illness.
I do.
I do because at this point I can’t seem to believe what I heard from Tyson, I don’t believe yet that they left me. No, I’m dreaming, I want to wake up.
Since yesterday I haven’t shed a single tear, I haven’t cried and I don’t know why. My brain says I’m okay, but my heart says a different thing.
I stand numb in the female bathroom, can’t feel myself and the worse part of it I can’t recognize this girl in front of me, I don’t know who she is, this girl in the reflection, with weary eyes, broken self, heavy heart, shattered inner walls.
One thing about mirrors, it only shows how beautiful you are from the outside, it hides your inner ugliness so that no one can see it but you.
No one can feel It but yourself. I run my hands into my hair, unable to shed the tears gathering in my eyes and heavy in my heart.
I even tried to take a heavy breath to make me cry, but damn no! my heart is still so heavy, it’s bruised.. breathing hurts too.
I hear footsteps running towards the female bathroom, I know who it is, after ringing her she doesn’t take a second to rescue her best friend.
” Elen! No, no not again!” she sees me from the entrance and screams, slapping her hands over her mouth. Shocked at my ugliness, if no one could see it, Ava can. She can see my heart smashing into pieces like an x-ray.
I give her a fake smile when I turn to see her. She runs to me and halts. ” Tell me what happened, Elen.” She demands.
I force another smile on my lips. ” no, I’m fine Ava. Nothing happened, trust me I’m alright.” I force myself to speak from my shaking lips.
Too much hurt makes my lips quiver, that I can’t mouth out words fluently. My heart beats like my pulse as if it is about to explode from my chest. Ticking like a time bomb.
” Elen, please.” I shake my head, telling her not to persist and that I’m alright. I turn on the water, washing my face, before I turn back to get the face towel, Ava already grabs it and shoves it into my arms.
” Thanks.” I say without my lips parting. More like a grumble but low. She nods, quietly.
I wipe my face with the towel and throws it back on the rope. ” I’m out of here, Ava. School is over for today.” I say to her, not trying to go around the topic, not even hovering around the surface.
” I will come with you.” She says in a haste. Causing me to breathe out in relief, because deep down I know I need my best friend.
I say nothing but nod. This is not my real self. My real self isn’t as quiet as this and isn’t as wordless as this. I fling my backpack on my shoulder and walk out of the bathroom.
I locate my car at the parking lot and rush down into the driver’s seat. I need to leave here, I’m not breathing, it feels like every air around here is strangling me by wrapping invisible arms around my neck.
I get my engine started and drive out of the school premises. I drive home in the next thirty minutes, parking my car in my usual spot and speed walking towards the entrance. I’m about to ring the doorbell when Ava drives into the parking space and stops her car.
I press the keypads and I hear mom’s voice coming from inside. I hear Emerson’s little voice, knowing she has him in her arms as she approaches the door.
The door opens, Ava Is standing behind me and making me trying to regulate my breathing to be normal.
” Hey, honey.” Mom greets, planting kisses on my cheek. On my normal days I would kiss her back. But all I say is ” Hi, mom.” And run up the staircase.
” Is she okay?” I hear mom whispers to Ava, and she doesn’t know what reply to give her.
I hear her say, ” Don’t worry, I won’t let her be alone.” She whispers back to mom and that’s what I heard last, before storming into my room and quietly shutting the door behind me.
I take a moment leaning again the door as I fight back every lump in my throat.
I notice Ava’s footstep, causing me to move away from the door, so I can continue my pretence of being okay.
Wondering what extent I could go with the pretence. I rush into the bathroom before she shows up at the door, taking a quick shower guessing it will make me a lot calmer.
When I get out of the shower, I meet Ava in my room, taking off her school wears and slipping her legs into one of my shot, and then a tank top.
I find a shorts to wear and hop into my bed. I’m back in my bed, now I can feel what I experienced a few minutes ago was a dream. I take my phone, going through my social media account then I see Tyson. I see our chat.
I scroll through the chat it was when he said, I was the only thing that matters to him and then the good night text.
Memories begin to flood in, feeling my heart burns at the rejection.
No, they can’t just reject me without a reason. They can’t do that to me without an explanation…
I shake my head, going back to our chats to text him and fucking ask if I was a joke to them. If he had not truly loved me. If he had not truly felt what I felt that night he spent with me and made love to me in the bed of his car. If I wasn’t truly his pretty butterfly…
Elena: Tyson, you must be kidding me right? What happened today was a prank right? Look, you won. The four of you won because I fell for the prank. Haha.. it worked! So tell me now, tell me it was a joke.. text me like you always do and call me your butterfly like you normally do.
I go to click on send, but the button refuses to comply. I tap on it a couple of times but still do not respond.
I look down a little more when I see, this user already blocked you. You can’t send a message to him or her. Thanks.
Jesus Christ.
I realize I screamed out when Ava runs to me, and then I discovered I had thrown my phone to the floor.
” Elena are you okay?” she comes to hold my two arms in place.
” No, no, I’m not okay. I feel like I’m going insane right now.” I don’t know when I spill the truth to her. I try to run my hands into my hair like the only gestures that prove I’m losing my mind now.
” What did I do to deserve this? He.. he blocked me! Ava, he fucking blocked me!” I scream out, salty liquid pinching the edges of my eyes.
” Who? Who the fuck are you talking about?” she yells to my face, but I’m going insane now. I can’t hear anything she is saying. My brain is focused on those memories I made with Tyson.. those perfect times…
” Ava, what did I do? Did he ever love me? Did he lie all those times? Ava.. did he .. shit..” I’m crying…Those tears I was searching for, Those tears I couldn’t shed, Those tears hiding inside the walls of my throat, Those tears building castles in my heart, Those tears too heavy to pour down.. those ugly tears begin to trickle down my cheek…
” Elen get hold of yourself please!” she screams at me, pulling me into her arms. I cry, I cry those ugly tears right into her arms.
” Ava.. he doesn’t like attending classes, he said he would rather be with me.. he said. I was the only thing that matters.. he said.. over everything he chose me! Me.. me Ava..” I stutter, pulling down my hair.
Weren’t those words true, I thought his words were the most beautiful I’ve seen, they were the most magical…
” Elen you will be fine. I know you are hurting but you will be fine.” Ava whispered into my ear, I see hurt in her eyes too.
” Yes it’s true that I’m hurting, but no! I won’t be fine, Ava. I can’t be fine because I’ve fallen in love with him. I’ve fallen in love with Tyson, I love him, Ava. How can I be fine?” I yell at her.
” All my life, I never knew what love is until I spent those weeks with Tyson. He showed me what love is and now I can feel it. He came to snatch my heart away, how do you want me to cope with that? How do you expect me to be fine?” I cry, falling to my knees.
” I don’t know how to take this. I’m broken Ava, I’m broken. I can’t fix this. I need to know what I did wrong. I need to know. Was it the kisses? Was it the night out?? Tell me fucking what!!” I let loose from her arms and smashed my phone completely to pieces.