I didn’t lie to James, when I told him that it was he who I thought about, when I was with Cyrus. Telling him that might have been a bad idea, but it was the truth. Cyrus pulled his hard dick out, and he moved to line it up. His cock was a bit thinner than James’, but longer. James is probably about seven inches long, whereas Cyrus looked closer to nine or ten.
I thought of James more. I thought of how he liked to rub my breasts, and lick my nipples. I pulled open my blouse, to share them with Cyrus, hoping he would do the same as James. It’s too bad, that I didn’t think to stop this madness, before it went any further.
Needless to say, he had his way with me. I am not proud of surrendering like I did, but that’s what happened anyhow. We lie there connected, for at least a few minutes, panting to catch our breath. His cock stayed hard, and was still very deep in me. I felt so full, but as I came down from the stratosphere, I remembered that it wasn’t my husband that had given that massive orgasm to me. The guilt started, as did the self-loathing. I started to cry again, while he looked down at me. He eventually got off me, and straightened his clothes out. I was so ashamed, that I just asked him to leave. He left without much of a word, and I tried to clean myself up, before crying myself to sleep.
Thank god my daughter had spent that night at a friend’s house. The next day, I was almost in shock at how stupid I had been. How could I? I had thought James might be cheating, and was furious at him for it. How would he feel, if he found out about last night?
Thankfully, things returned to some normalcy after James came home. He did notice that I was withdrawn and quiet, but I was able to convince him that I was just tired. He went out of town two more times, each very similar to the last one. The only difference, I didn’t ask to go with.
As soon as he was gone, I got a visit from Cyrus. The first time he came over, I was pissed.
“Cyrus, don’t you dare call me. I am not going to cheat on James anymore!”
“Caitlin, I’m sorry if you are upset. Truly I was just stopping by to check on you. I worry about you, and the last thing I want is to hurt you.”
I softened, and let him in. We ended up fucking that night, and the next morning. We fucked on the floor, in my bed, even in the shower. I was a wonton slut for him, and had no explanation for it. It felt great, but hurt so badly once he was gone. How could I continue to cheat on James like I was? I threw up, violently, at the thought of losing him.
I had every intention of never letting Cyrus in my house again, until that weekend before my anniversary. I was mad at James again, for going off to that meeting. I had a couple drinks to pass the time. Cyrus showed up, and told me that he had proof that James was cheating, I blew a gasket.
“Cait, I’m so sorry, but I had to show you these. I’m tired of seeing you hurt and lied to.”
He tossed those god damn pictures down, and after seeing James’ face, I screamed out. If only I had looked at the woman closer. Sadly, I have nothing but ‘what if’s’ left now.
I know that I still owe James for all the hurt that I caused him, as well as the complete truth. We may never be together again, and I will have to live with that. At the very least, we share Maddy, and I want us to all at least be friendly around each other.
I decided to write him a letter. My first attempt to apologize failed, after being setup again, by that asshole, Cyrus. I had no idea where he came from, as I certainly didn’t invite him to come with, but am glad he’s gone. I shuddered as I thought about it.
I would send James this letter, and just hope that it was enough.
**********
Dear James,
I miss you. I know that you don’t want to hear it, but I still love you. I always will.
I came to you, to try to apologize. I wanted you to know what happened, and hoped that you would forgive me. Everyone makes mistakes, and I will forever be ashamed of mine.
Cyrus manipulated me. I see that now. Still, his actions do not excuse mine. I let him seduce, and manipulate me, into having an affair with him. I failed you, and I failed us. The affair lasted about two months before that night, and yes, he did come over after you had left me. That last night, I was distraught and barely thought about it, but the next morning, kicked him out and told him never to come back. I had finally found my spine, although much too late to do us any good.
That night. I’m so very sorry about how things went that night. I wish I could take it all back, every minute of it. I never wanted you to be physically hurt, I hope you know that. I just felt like I needed you to feel the hurt that I felt, emotionally. I thought you had cheated on me, and that rocked me to the core.
When he shot you, I think I went into shock. I barely heard him leave, and didn’t know what to do. I should have called 911, but just sat there. You passed out, and I felt like I was moving in slow-motion. I didn’t see any blood, and you were still breathing, but beyond that, all I felt was my own heart beating. Shawn was the only person that came to mind, so I called him. I was a zombie, and barely remember what I told him. I think I told him that you had been hurt, and needed help.
After I hung up, I just got up and ran. I ran to the bedroom, and threw on some clothes. I ran to my car, and sped away, with no real destination in mind. When I got to the edge of town, I stopped, opened my door and threw up. I spent the night in the car. When I woke up, I went home on auto-pilot, and cleaned up that horrible mess.
James, if you never want to speak with me again, I will understand. I wish I could take every horrible thing I did back. I am sorry. I am sorry for cheating on you. I am sorry for betraying you. I am sorry that I had so little trust in you that I believed him when he said you were cheating on me. Lastly, I am sorry that I hurt you, and destroyed our beautiful family.
Love always,
Caitlin