Caitlin –
How the hell did I wind up here? I mean, logically I know that I am to blame for a lot of the things that have gone wrong in my life, but why did I go along with any of it? It was NOT supposed to end this way.
When I left Hawaii, after that horrible attempt at an apology to my husband (yes, I still consider him my husband), I desperately needed to put the pieces back together. Let me rewind a little, and try to explain how I think things fell apart.
About two years ago, my daughter was graduating high school, and planning to move on to college. I was so proud of her, that I felt like nothing could go wrong. I was on top of the world. My husband was working a lot, which always got me a little angry, but we had a great marriage. I loved that man more than life itself, and still do.
The summer after her graduation, she spent it traveling with her best friend. It was truly the first time that I felt the emptiness of our house. I worked, so I wasn’t pining alone by myself, but at nights, it would get to me. James was gone a lot, delivering supplies to all corners of the map, while I sat at home, alone. Sure, he was home some, which were always the best days and nights, but it wasn’t enough.
I tried to tell him about my loneliness and how much I missed him, but either he didn’t pick up on it, or just figured it would pass. I was really feeling alone now, almost abandoned. Finally, I suggested that he should try to add another plane or pilot, so that he wasn’t always gone so much.
I know what you’re thinking now: ‘oh poor woman, ran off to cheat on her husband, and blamed it on being lonely.’ That isn’t true. Sure, it bothered me to no end that he was always gone, but I was still faithful to my husband, at the time.
Honestly, I went with James on a few of his trips, which was nice. We did connect during those times, but I could tell that he was still splitting his loyalties between me and his business. After a while, I stopped asking to go with him, and he never asked me to come along on his own.
Looking back, I think that was when I started to lose some of my respect for him. In my mind, he was choosing his business over me, almost as if he loved it more than me. I realize now, that I should have talked to him more about this, as it might have saved us both a lot of pain.
Cyrus… I will forever curse that man. I am not blameless in the whole thing, but if that snake hadn’t been around, I would probably still be faithfully married to my husband. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, or so they say. I tend to agree. I look back, and see all the little digs, all the snide comments, and even all the times that asshole was giving me compliments. I was seduced, and will be eternally shameful that I didn’t put up more of a fight.
Over the course of a year, I was almost living two lives. When James was around, I would temporarily forget about my jealousy of his job. We were always good together. He was gone as often as not, though, and during those times I would slide back into hating him, or at least being insanely jealous of his work.
Things came to a head, about two months before that fateful night. James was out of town, and Cyrus stopped by. I was half way through a bottle of my favorite Chardonnay, and again, mad at my husband for not being there.
When Cyrus got there, he put on the charm, big time. “Caitlin, you shouldn’t be alone so much. I’ll talk to James, and pick up more of his flights. He should really be here with you more.”
It seemed like a line, but at the time, it actually made me feel good. “Thank you, Cyrus. That would be great actually, but why hasn’t he asked you to help more? I keep telling him he is gone too much. It just seems to me that you guys could afford to hire another pilot, or add another plane, with so much work to do.”
“Yeah, I have suggested that to James as well. He keeps telling me that we don’t need another pilot. He says we are making a lot more money this way, and it keeps us flying more. I think he would fly every day if he could.”
He sounded so sincere, and I felt like he really cared about me. I called James, and it went straight to voice mail. Cyrus told me that he should have been at his hotel hours ago. That was the first time that I truly wondered if he was cheating on me. Cyrus left that night, after giving me a warm hug, and a very chaste kiss on the cheek. I hate to admit it, but that hug and kiss turned me on some.
Over the next week, James came home and things seemed to get back to normal. He had to run off again, on another emergency, and I didn’t want to sit home all alone again.
“James, can I come with on this trip? I could really use a break from this place, and I miss you so much.”
“Honey, I wish you could. The plane is going to be so full of supplies, and I have to take some disaster relief official with, that there won’t be room for you on the plane.”
I was livid. I didn’t talk much to him the rest of the night, and when we went to bed, I didn’t say ‘I love you’ back to him, when he said it to me. I felt like shit the next day, when I woke up to an empty bed. He had left, and I didn’t get to say sorry or goodbye to him.
Of course Cyrus came over to check on me, later in the day. I told him what James had said, and Cyrus had acted puzzled.
“I wasn’t aware of any passenger going with on this trip. There should have been room. Hmm…” He paused as if in deep thought. “I’m sure it’s probably nothing too serious. We do get last minute jump-ons, every now and then.”
James was gone for two nights. Cyrus came to check on me the next night, and I was once again working on a bottle of my favorite white wine. At that point, I was beyond buzzed and glad for the company. I am truly ashamed to admit, that night was the first time I had ever cheated on my husband. Cyrus was so nice, and hugged me when I started to cry.
As my tears had settled down, we moved in together and kissed. Kissing led to groping, and soon he had me laying down on the couch, feeling and touching me under my skirt. I was feeling so good, that I just let him. He pulled my very wet panties off, and was gently rubbing me with his left hand, while still kissing me passionately. I was losing sense of time, and place. My nerves were tingling from head to toe, as he moved from my lips, down to my neck.