*Keera*
I spent the first two days after I arrived back home unpacking my stuff and trying to shake off the feeling of nostalgia and emptiness that lingered inside me. I’d thought I would be more excited to be back home, surrounded by familiar faces and familiar places, but instead, the city felt hollow, and my apartment felt like a stranger’s. The silence was almost depressing and I couldn’t help but think of Grayson, of the pack, and of the life I’d been getting used to, which I’d left behind.
It had been two days but the usually simple task of unpacking had felt so Herculean that I wasn’t done with it yet. As I put away the last of my belongings, my mind began to wander. I couldn’t help but feel a familiar sense of regret settle deep in my stomach. I should have let Grayson know how I really felt about him when I got the chance. He’d told me he loved me for the second time, and looking back now, I knew I should have said something.
The kiss we’d shared before I left still lingered on my lips, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a mistake, not telling him how I truly felt. The might-have-beens swirled in my head, making it hard to focus on anything else. I finished unpacking and stepped into the shower, reminding myself Trevor had asked the team and I to meet up with him at his office building. I had a feeling he wanted to dissolve the team and officially send everyone on their way.
He hadn’t stopped congratulating us and expressing his pride that we’d eventually cracked the case and caught the killer. I stepped out of the shower minutes later and got dressed. I picked a simple outfit; navy blue pants and a sky blue button down shirt with black pumps to match. I tied my hair neatly in a bun and applied a little bit of makeup to my face. I didn’t want to look too closely at the fact that I was less interested in an official meeting than I would have normally been.
I met the team at the door to the conference room where the meeting was supposed to be held. We’d expected a short brief and then a small speech from Trevor before he had to disband the team but what we hadn’t expected was to be met with a surprise welcoming party. Someone shot confetti in the air as we stepped in, followed by people chorusing, “Surprise!” Balloons and streamers filled the room, and our colleagues cheered, congratulating us on a successful mission and welcoming us back to work.
Lexi, Josie, Kathleen and Joe grinned, exchanging greetings with everyone, while I stood frozen, feeling out of place. I forced a smile, trying to blend in, but the noise and chaos overwhelmed me. I hugged a few people, thanking them for the thoughtful gesture and all the while, trying to keep my smile in place. I spotted Trevor from across the room and moved to thank him before going around to say hello to a few people I’d specially missed.
The crowd seemed to be closing in on me, so I quietly slipped out of the room, making my way to the rooftop. I breathed a little easier as I pushed the doors open, grateful for some time alone. The fake smiles and laughter had been killing me, not to mention it had left me feeling like an ungrateful bitch. They were just excited to have us back. It wasn’t their fault my heart was now somewhere else.
The cool breeze hit me as I stepped a little closer to the edge, and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. The city sprawled before me, its sounds muted from up here. I stood there for a few minutes, easily getting lost in thought, when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned to see Trevor approaching, a concerned expression on his face. “You okay?” He inquired. “You slipped out pretty quickly back there.”
I widened my lips in a quick smile, trying to brush it off. “Yeah, just needed some air.” I replied, waving my hands casually. I took the drink he offered me, thanking him as I clinked my glass with his. His eyes narrowed, but he didn’t push the issue. He leaned against the railing, joining me in silence. We stood there for a moment, watching the city below, and just enjoying the view. I’d always loved buildings with rooftops. I loved feeling like I was able to observe a lot of things at once.
Trevor finally broke the silence. “You know, Keera,” He said lightly, “If you ever need to talk, I’m here.” His words hung in the air, an offer of support, but I wasn’t ready to open up. Not yet. I nodded, grateful for his concern, but unable to meet his gaze. I lifted my glass to my mouth, taking a sip of the red wine. The wine’s rich scent wafted in the air, calming my nerves. I expected Trevor to simply accept my reply, but it appeared he was going to push a little further.
He studied me for a while, his gaze burning into the side of my face. The stars twinkled above us, reminding me of how vast the world is and how insignificant I was in it. Suddenly the things I’d thought were waiting for me back home didn’t seem to have any importance.
Love was weird as hell.
“It doesn’t feel quite the way you thought it would now that you’re back, does it?” Trevor asked empathetically, his voice breaking the silence. I slanted a look at him, raising the glass to my lips. I still had lab exams to get back to and unsolved cases on my desk that needed my attention but they didn’t hold any water anymore. It was a bit funny how much it felt like my life had lost it’s color because Grayson wasn’t in it. I shook my head sadly at myself.
Since when had I become that girl?
I sighed, my shoulders sagging. “No, it doesn’t.” My gaze drifted back to the sky, the city lights blurring together. Nothing felt right anymore. Being away from Grayson these past few days was killing me. I couldn’t help but wonder if he had even thought of me since I’d left. I wondered if I’d crossed his mind like he’d crossed mine a thousand times. I checked my phone for the millionth time since I’d arrived town.
Nothing.
He hadn’t tried to contact me. I’d gotten texts from everyone on the council asides him. Trevor’s expression turned thoughtful. “You know, I didn’t think you would come back,” he said, his voice tinged with surprise. “I told Grayson if you came back and were open to it,” His eyes met mine and it was the first time I had seen him remotely shy. “I was going to make a move on you.”
My eyes widened at his admission even though I wasn’t completely surprised by it. I’d already suspected long ago that his feelings for me ran deeper than just being my supervisor. “Because you’re in love with me?” I asked a little teasingly. I thought back to all the times he’d slipped and shown his true feelings, realizing it went even farther back than I thought. Had he always been in love with me, even from the start?
Trevor gave me a small smile, tucking his right hands into the front pocket of his pants. “I wondered when you were finally going to admit picking up on it.” He released a deep exhale, staring at the clouds in the way I’d been doing minutes ago. “It doesn’t matter now though,” He said a little sadly, looking at me. “You went and fell in love with someone else, didn’t you?” He wasn’t being accusatory, but it still didn’t change the fact that I had in fact, fallen in love with someone while working on a case.
I was quiet for some time, mulling my response over. I took a sip of wine to distract myself, wondering why it was so hard to admit my feelings for Grayson. Did I feel guilty about them? Was I afraid of what saying the words out loud might result in? I finally brought myself to speak up. “Yes, I did.” I replied. The admission felt like a heavy blanket finally lifting off my shoulders. Trevor, of course, wasn’t surprised by my admission. I might never had said the words out loud, but I’d done nothing to hide how I felt.
I was too much of an open book.
Trevor’s gaze pierced mine, his eyes searching for answers. “So, why are you here then?” He asked, his voice laced with curiosity. “In town, and not with him?” He clarified. I shook my head, different emotions fighting for dominance in my chest. Why were they all so quick to conclude I had to be the one doing the sacrificing? Grayson was saddled with a lot of responsibilities as Alpha, but what about me? What about the life I’d built for myself from scratch?
The career I’d fought so hard for?
“It’s not that simple, Trevor,” I simply responded. His expression turned skeptical and I hated that he was making me want to explain myself. “Grayson has a whole different life from mine,” I began carefully. “We’re two entirely different species, and we would never have even crossed paths if it weren’t for. . . circumstances.” I said, trailing off. “I don’t know if I want to live the rest of my life as something I’ve hated for so long and I’m not sure why I have to make the sacrifices. If he loved me enough. . .”
I couldn’t bring myself to say the words because I knew he did.
Love me enough, that is.
I couldn’t ask that of him.
“You’re saying you’re from different worlds, but that’s not the real issue, is it?” I immediately got defensive, gripping the glass in my hand a little tighter. “You’ve always loved taking risks,” He reminded me. “But it seems like the risk that matters the most is the one you’re bent on not taking.” His words struck a chord, and I bit down on my lip to take their sting away. Was I really being a coward? I had always prided myself on being fearless, on making tough decisions and facing the consequences head-on.
Trevor’s words made me realize that I was in fact scared. Scared of losing myself in Grayson’s world, scared of not being enough, scared of the unknown. “I’ll leave you to your thoughts,” He said, a gentle warmth filling his eyes. “Just remember, Keera, you can’t run from your feelings forever.” With that, he left, leaving me alone on the rooftop. His words echoed in my head, forcing me to confront my fears. I still hadn’t let go of past trauma. After all these years, it was difficult for me to completely hand the reins over to someone else.
Days blended together in a haze of emptiness. I went through the motions, attending meetings, reviewing case files and conducting a series of tests, but my heart wasn’t in it. Every moment felt like an eternity without Grayson by my side. The city, once vibrant and full of life, now seemed dull and gray. I threw my tote back on the couch after a long day of work, plopping down on the couch and putting the TV on with the remote. I bent over to remove my heeled sandals, staring blankly at the TV.
A commercial for a children’s toy caught my attention. A little girl’s laughter echoed through the speakers, reminding me of Ellie’s infectious giggles. Memories of our last goodbye flooded my mind, and my heart constricted in my chest, a feeling of longing settling deep in my gut. The house had been eerily silent since I got back, but not tonight. Tonight, the silence was broken by the sound of my own heartbeat as two words repeatedly danced around in my head.
What if?