Today was my graduation day, and I’d imagined numerous scenarios where my mother sat among the crowd, clapping and beaming with pride. But as I said, it was only my imagination that kept me smiling as I received my diploma and the congratulations from the professors, most of whom I’d never interacted with except for the times they scolded me because of… him. I don’t even know what to call him anymore.
I’m not sure if I should pretend he never existed, or maybe convince myself that Donovan disappeared the day I was kidnapped because of him. Would hypnotherapy help? As soon as I get a job, I’ll find out.
The only congratulatory shouts I heard came from Cris, Blake, and my aunt. The three of them were screaming my name like mad, managing to make me blush. Those jerks.
It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but I’m content.
“What’s next?” Cris asked. “We’re going out to celebrate, right?”
“That’s not even a question. We’ll hit an awesome bar, and you two are coming,” Blake chimed in, his arm around his brother who graduated alongside Jessi and me. I could tell he was uneasy around me; every time I glanced his way, he’d purse his lips and look up at the sky, playing the fool. “Our parents are on a business trip, so they couldn’t be here, but they’re thrilled for my genius brother.”
Blake yanked his ears, and when he managed to escape, he started running. The older one looked back at us, slightly embarrassed, and chased after the fresh graduate. They looked like kids, which made me chuckle at the endearing sight.
“Dad should be here,” Jessi whispered, clutching her diploma.
It hurt to see her so down lately, but that jerk deserves to be where he is.
They imprisoned him after I left the hospital. They had evidence linking him to a major drug trafficking ring, and I knew that… Andrew had orchestrated it all. Secretly, I was grateful to him for that; I was afraid to return to that house, knowing what David could do to me.
My aunt was overjoyed by the turn of events; she wanted nothing more to do with her husband, and this event facilitated both her and my liberation.
From that day in the hospital, I never saw Andrew again. He promised he would leave me be, and he kept his word. Nobody ever mentioned him to me, except for the constant reminders in my memories.
Today, I allowed myself to imagine a scene where Donovan sat in the front row alongside my mother, congratulating me and whispering an “I love you” that reached deep into my heart. But then I remembered Donovan never existed, and I cast such thoughts far from me.
“Celina?” I turned around, recognizing the sweet voice calling my name. It was the girl from school, the one who spoke with Andrew, the one he had claimed was an ex. “Can we talk?”
Was she here to berate me for being with her boyfriend? If so, I was completely on board, but she better aim for my left cheek; the right was still recovering from Steve’s blows. “Sure.”
“We’ll wait for you at home, Cel,” Cris said, sensing the situation and leading my curious aunt down the street, leaving me alone with the stunning woman before me.
“Listen, before you say anything, I didn’t know about you two…” I began to explain, but she shook her head and held up her hand, signaling me to stop.
“We haven’t been an item since he started undercover, long before you came into the picture,” she clarified, indicating that Andrew had been truthful, at least on that front. “We met in high school and have been friends ever since. Somewhere along the line, I got confused, thinking I had fallen for him… Maybe I did, but that was a long time ago. We lived together for several years, but he was hardly ever home. I always thought his undercover work was an excuse to distance himself from me. But after some time, I realized he chose this life because he wanted to, regardless of my feelings. I know Andrew cared for me, but not in the way I’d hoped. That’s why we split.”
“Why are you telling me all this?” I questioned, discomfort evident in my stance as I found myself receiving explanations from an ex. Moreover, I felt a pang of jealousy imagining Andrew with her. She was undeniably flawless: skin without a mark, silky well-maintained platinum-blonde hair, and eyes that could captivate with just a single glance.
“Because I’m still his friend, and I can’t bear to see him like this.”
“Did he send you?”
“No, the ones you knew as Vanessa and Lara told me you’d be here today and that I should speak with you.”
“Why didn’t they come themselves?”
“They despise you.”
I figured as much.
“Oh.”
We settled into an uncomfortable silence. I yearned to join my friends, leave this situation behind, and start planning my new life with my mother. I’ve secured a part-time job and started the procedures to have my mother live with me. I need to focus on that, on us…
“He loves you in the way I wished he loved me, Celina,” she asserted, grasping my hand to get my attention.
I quickly pulled away, feigning indifference to her words. “I’m sorry for him.”
“Are you going to let pride keep you from the man you love?”
“Pride? I gave up everything for Donovan, even my pride,” I exclaimed, struggling to convey the gravity of the situation. “He mistreated me on multiple occasions, played with my feelings time and again, lied to me from the moment we met. I spent my life being physically and verbally abused, ostracized by those aware of my past. And for the first time, I felt understood, comforted by this guy. He made me fall for him, and then it all blew up in my face. Those sparse details he shared, the snippets that made me believe he was as broken as I was, were just tricks to get close to me.”
My face had set into a bitter expression, and I could feel sweat forming as nerves began to course through me. Suddenly, an overwhelming urge to lash out at her, to send her to hell for opining on matters she knew nothing about, consumed me.
She noticed my fury. It was evident in her eyes, but she pressed on regardless.
“Imagine feeling a love, stronger than anything you’ve ever felt, knowing you need to protect it, but at the same time not wanting to stop because you fear never experiencing that sensation again in your life. That’s how he explained it to me. Andrew isn’t violent; he’s never hurt anyone. Whenever I tried confronting him about his neglect of our relationship, he wouldn’t utter a single word, Celina. He’d just grab his coat and leave without a backward glance. He’s never raised his voice at me, or anyone. This job forced him to adopt a persona that wasn’t truly his, and before you, he could only focus on performing his role perfectly,” she relayed breathlessly, pausing briefly to catch her breath before continuing, “I noticed him becoming increasingly erratic during our last few phone calls, which is why I showed up at the school that day. I’d never seen him display his emotions so openly, and it scared me. His life wasn’t easy either. His father would frequently lash out at his mother due to her sudden loss of reasoning when he was a teenager. The man was never patient, not even with Andrew. And yet, Andrew constantly tried to impress the Police Captain, his father, simply because he yearned to serve on the force. The Federal Bureau recruited him about two years ago, not for his experience, but because he fit the profile they were looking for undercover work. You know, he looks younger than his actual age.”
I said nothing, feeling as if the ground beneath me was unstable, although I knew it was just me. My anxiety was skyrocketing, and my urge to cry battled its way to the forefront. I didn’t want to hear that Andrew was a good person because I don’t believe it. I can’t.
The woman stepped closer and placed a hand on my shoulder. “He’s leaving here tomorrow morning. Even though the mission was successful, Andrew endangered civilians and didn’t follow the given orders. They’ve suspended him indefinitely until they decide what to do with him.” She walked past me and began to distance herself. “He’s staying at the house he lived in with his mother. The fool is waiting there, just in case you decide to return.”
Once she was a fair distance away, I turned to watch her retreating figure, but she paused, her back to me, evidently having one last thing to impart. “By the way, I deeply despise you too for crossing paths with him,” she grimaced. “But he loves you, and I can’t bear to see him so miserable.”
And then she finally left.
She left me frozen, my mind consumed only by the blurry memory of Donovan smiling at me. I missed him intensely. Even though he wasn’t real, I fervently wished he were. Why did everything have to end this way? Why couldn’t he have been honest from the start? I was loyal to him. I would’ve bitten off my own tongue before betraying him.
Perhaps it wouldn’t have worked out; the age gap was significant, and I don’t know if I was ever comfortable with the idea of being with someone much older than me initially. But if he had come clean the same day he confessed his love, I would never have hesitated to be with him. He was my Donovan, the embodiment of everything right.
And damn, how I wish I had even just one photo of him. We never had time for those couple-like trivialities because we never really were a couple, were we?
I miss you, Donovan, Andrew, or whatever your name is. I miss you so much it feels like my chest is burning, and my feet yearn to take the path that leads to you.
But… could I ever forgive him?