“I won’t know if there’s damage until she wakes up. For now, she’s stable, but…”
The light… it hurts…
“She’s waking up!” My aunt shields me from the blinding light, her face hovering over mine, her eyes filled with concern. “We’re going to sue that bastard, you know? Look at what they did to you…”
“Donovan.”
“Where is he?” I managed to croak, my voice raspy.
“Who are you asking about?” My aunt inquires, squeezing both of my hands. She’s not good with the injured.
“Donovan,” I said, coughing. The doctor hands me a glass of water, which I gratefully accept and take a long sip. After that, I try to sit up, aided by the two people in the room. The doctor takes out a small flashlight, gauging how my eyes respond to the light. “Where is Donovan?”
“I have no idea who you’re talking about, dear. But you seem to be okay. More tests would be needed,” she concludes as I keep waiting for him to walk through the door. “Excuse me, but you need to leave and let her rest. It’s late.”
My aunt glances back and forth between us a few times, then nods, pulling a face. She leans down, kisses my forehead, and smiles. “I’ll come to see you tomorrow.”
I’m left alone in the room with the doctor, looking out the window to see that night has fallen. I have no news of the people I love, neither of my mother nor of Donovan. My aunt didn’t mention either of them. Is it because she doesn’t want to upset me? Is Donovan injured, or…? I can’t even think it.
“You’re anxious; you need to calm down,” the doctor observed, looking at the vital signs monitor, noting my racing heartbeat. I’m terrified about where Donovan might be and the possible answers I might get if I probed further into who was admitted with me to the hospital.
“What happened?” I ventured to ask as she jotted down notes.
“Well, you have two blunt force traumas to the head; you were hit hard. You came in with several police officers, and that’s all I was told.”
“Anyone else injured besides me?”
“Yes, one officer was shot. He came out of surgery a couple of hours ago.”
“No civilians?”
“Not that I’m aware of. Why? Who are you looking for?”
Maybe, by some miracle, he managed to escape. The officers and the gang couldn’t nab him amid all the chaos.
“No one…” My voice trailed off as I reached for another sip of water to soothe its rawness. My eyes occasionally played tricks on me, blurring my vision; they felt sensitive and itchy, probably from stress.
“The injured officer was with you.”
I choked. “What?”
“When you were admitted to the hospital, he was by your side and refused to leave the waiting area until he was sure you were alright. We had to sedate him; he was losing a lot of blood. The bullet was in his shoulder.”
Okay, that’s not unusual. Officers can be concerned about saving people; that’s part of their job, right? But what I can’t fathom is why Donovan wasn’t there with me, watching over me and going mad trying to see me.
The doctor continued, “Tall, black hair, tattoo on the neck and arm…”
That sounds like… “That’s not an officer, that’s Donovan.”
“No, sweetheart, we must be talking about different people then; he’s a cop, and his name is Andrew.”
Had Donovan posed as a policeman to be near me? Why hadn’t they arrested him? Or had they? He’s a fool if he turned himself in just to be with me. I swear, I’ll kill him. After everything, I ended up dragging him down. Just as he said, I ruined it all.
“Then we’re not talking about the same person,” I clarified once I realized she was awaiting a response from me. “I need to get out of here.”
I pulled away the covers and braved the pain, determined to get up and find him. I wouldn’t abandon him.
The doctor gripped my shoulders, holding me back. “You can’t leave…!”
Before she could finish scolding me, shouts and scuffles echoed from outside the room until the boy I was waiting for appeared in the doorway, dressed in a patient’s gown and bandaged at the shoulder. A group trailed behind him, some in jackets marked FBI, grabbing Donovan by his unbandaged arm, trying to pull him from my room.
“That’s the policeman I was talking about,” the doctor said, releasing me.
“Donovan?” A hopeful whisper slipped from my lips, immediately followed by a smile and his rapid approach. Our lips met in a passionate embrace; both of us moaned in pain, but I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to kiss him endlessly.
He pulled away to gaze deeply into my eyes. I smiled back and began, “I’m so glad to see you; I thought they had arrested you, God…”
He shook his head, tenderly touching my face. I could feel every sensitive patch of my skin; I hadn’t looked in a mirror yet, but I could sense my swollen cheek and the bandages covering my injuries. “I’m sorry for everything, for all I’ve put you through.”
“Shh, it’s okay. We’re together now,” I murmured, reaching for his hand and gesturing for him to sit beside me, which he did. “The doctor says your name is Andrew and that you’re a cop. Tell her who you really are.”
I caught a glimpse of Vanessa watching us from the doorway, but she soon withdrew, as did the other onlookers. Why?
My partner looked anxious, his eyes tightly shut and his face as pale as if all the blood had drained from it. He didn’t answer or meet my gaze. Why wasn’t he telling her his name? What was he waiting for? “Donovan?”
He opened his eyes, and I saw they were filled with tears, his lips pressed tight, unable to look at me.
No.
“I think the patient should rest,” the doctor said, trying to usher the silent, suffering man at my side away.
I grabbed his wrist, urging him to look at me. Tears streamed down my face, but I felt numb, as if everything within me had paused. “No, tell her.”
I kept urging him on, hoping he’d laugh and say he was just going for dramatic effect, and I would laugh too and embrace him. Maybe I didn’t press him hard enough because that moment never came. Let’s try again. “Donovan… Tell her.”
He grimaced in pain, but I didn’t understand why until he opened his mouth to whisper a word that seemed to vanish into thin air. “I can’t…”
A sharp, continuous ache engulfed my chest.
I can’t say whether it was right or wrong, but my first instinct was to slap him and push him away from me. Because I didn’t know this man. Because a total stranger had just kissed me, touched me. Because some lowlife took advantage of my traumas, my lack of connections, my deprivation of love.
The woman beside us sprang into action, trying to escort him out of the room. But to no avail; he didn’t budge an inch and continued to give me that guilty, puppy-eyed look.
“How old are you?” I managed to ask, my fists clenched, ready to strike out at the air, cursing myself for being so naive and for realizing the truth too late.
He didn’t answer, simply burying his face in his hands. “How damn old are you?! Who are you?!”
Rising to his feet, he knelt before me, his face level with my knees, his hands pleadingly reaching out for me. “Twenty-six.”
Damn it. I felt an urge to scratch at my own skin, to cease this impending feeling of a heart attack. It hurt, it hurt so much. “What’s your name?”
“Celina, I am your Donovan.”
I shoved him again, sending him sprawling to the floor, the pathetic liar he was. “No! Not that crap! Your real name.”
Vanessa rushed into the room, ushering the doctor out.
She probably wasn’t named Vanessa either.
“Andrew Radke,” he whispered painfully, each syllable from his lips feeling like they were cutting him.
“Andrew Radke, not my Donovan, just some Andrew…”
“You didn’t stop, you lied until the end.”
“I’m working undercover; I couldn’t tell you…” He tried to get back up and touch me, but my look of revulsion kept him at bay.
“But you could sleep with me, right?” My nails dug into the hospital sheets, feeling like they might snap from the force. I struggled to hold back, to not physically lash out and banish this stranger from my sight. “Don’t answer. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Celina…”
Suddenly, all the pieces fell into place.
His mother, the inner battles he constantly fought about our relationship, the web of lies. Vanessa and Lara’s persistent advice to leave him, those odd phone calls… The mysterious woman outside my school, his nightly surveillance… All his excuses, our entire relationship was a lie.
“Is that why you were so tormented? Because being with me meant you were failing at your job? No wonder you’re inept at everything you do.”
“I know you’re angry…”
I was shaking, overwhelmed. Everywhere I looked only intensified my fury. It was all so clear now, right in front of me the whole time, but I’d refused to see. “And the woman you spoke with outside school that day? Your girlfriend? Your wife?”
He stood abruptly, pacing the room, clenching his fist and biting his knuckle, not meeting my gaze. Tears streamed down his face. But what was telling amid his act was his silence, not because he lacked the time, but because I waited, seconds that felt like hours.
And I laughed, amidst uncontrollable tears. That’s all I could do-laugh. “You’re despicable.”
He shook his head frantically. “We weren’t together when I met you, I wasn’t with her then.”
I didn’t want to hear any more. “Get out!”
“I love you, Celina. This doesn’t change-”
“No, this changes everything, Donovan…!” I jolted up, almost wanting to slam my head against the wall for letting that fake name slip from my lips. But I think I’ve had enough hits to the head. The moment I stood, dizziness overcame me. “Andrew.”
“I am Donovan.”
“No, you’re just a pretender who posed as someone I could love.”
“I am that someone,” his voice wavered, drawing closer to me.
“Your mother? Was she hired to show a softer side of you?”
“No, I looked after her, I always did. My father…”
“You have a father?” I interrupted, struggling to believe what I was hearing.
“My father wanted to put her in a facility because he didn’t want to care for her anymore. So, I took responsibility for her. Then the opportunity for this job came up, promising a fast promotion. I brought her with me without telling my father. When he found out, I realized how dangerous it was for her. At that point, it was true; I was so concerned about her feeling abandoned or alone that I overlooked the peril I was getting into, and the danger I was dragging her into. The same thing happened with you, Celina. I was so in love with you; I was completely smitten. I was afraid of losing you. Many times, I thought it better to let you go rather than risk a world where you might get hurt or killed. And then, there were moments when I clung to you, not wanting to let go because a life without you is agonizing… Missing you is the most painful feeling I’ve ever experienced.”
By this point, my legs gave out, and I sank to the floor, overwhelmed by emotions. The ground was cold and steady, providing the stability I lacked in facing these revelations, tools I’d never have with him. “Just let me go. Release my mother and get out of my life.”
He sank down with me, drawing close but not quite touching. “I wasn’t stalking you for the thrill of it. It was my job. And then it stopped being just a job, it became happiness, it became love.”
I never stopped crying, not even when I yelled at him. The pain from his lies was too overwhelming. But Donov… Andrew continued speaking, “I acted on impulse, something that had never happened to me before. With my mother, it was routine; my father used to hit her, and I always stepped in, even if it meant taking the blows for her. But I’d never felt this way for another human being, other than my mother, until you came into my life. You shook my world.” He briefly brushed his hand against mine but pulled away quickly, then used it to point at his wound. “He was going to shoot you. I saw it in his eyes.”
I glanced at him through my blurred vision; he looked deeply remorseful. He had saved me from a bullet that could have ended my life, Andrew had, not Donovan.
“I lied to you a lot, but I am Donovan, the guy who pretended to be bad to push you away. And I am also Andrew, the one who listened to you talk for hours about what mattered to you, who held you when you felt like falling apart, and who, if you let him, will tell you every detail of his life.”
Every line on his face showed pain. His hair was tousled, and I almost reached out to smooth it, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t keep doing this.
“I don’t understand you,” I murmured. “I can’t fathom how you believe you have any chance of making me want to be with you.”
“I’m not assuming that, I just want you to understand…”
“Understand what?! I’ve understood everything, it’s all clear in my head now. You used me from the beginning and I warned you, you can’t build anything on that. I believe you, I believe you care for me, but only as a whim, an obsession, because someone who truly loves wouldn’t hurt the way you hurt me. Don’t feel bad, you’re a broken person, just like me. There’s nothing you can do about it.”
“You’re mistaken, I’ve always been stable, Celina.” I looked down, but he lifted my chin, guiding my gaze back to his. “There was never anyone who made me question my entire world, what I want in my life, and who I want to be with. You’re not just some whim to me; you’re real. I feel like we were meant for each other; I can’t think of it any other way, not after everything we’ve been through. Throughout my life, my therapists always noticed my emotional detachment, I minimized feelings, caring little about who came and went. I lived for my mother, until you came along and made me discover a kind of love I had never felt before, allowing me to see what others saw missing in me. I was a damn robot, and you’re the realest thing I’ve ever known.”
I shrugged and gave him a sorrowful, lonely smile. I believed him, but it didn’t matter anymore. “Well, I don’t know who you are.”