It’s eleven o’clock at night. I got home two hours ago because I went to the movies with Eva. I came here expecting a scene from him, but… he’s not even home.
He didn’t come back.
How long does it take to do tests at a clinic? Fourteen hours?!
I’m trying to finish all my damn homework, but I can’t concentrate.
I took about thirty showers to try to calm myself down. I walked around the apartment so many times that I think I’ve lost weight.
Leaving my homework aside because apparently words don’t connect with others in my brain, I lie down in bed and wrap my arms around myself, as if they were Nick’s arms.
What if there was an accident? What if while I’m here lying down whimpering, he’s in the hospital with serious injuries?
Thinking that makes my stomach turn.
I started to grab my bag to look for my phone and call Eva to take me to the hospital, when I heard the front door open.
I ran to the living room.
He looks at me, smiles, and what I see makes me want to make him sleep outside. I sigh and close my eyes. I was worried he was in a hospital when he was just… he… God.
“Why that face, Sam?” he finally said. The sound of his drunk voice makes me want to slap him.
“It’s eleven o’clock at night, what did you think? Weren’t you going to get some tests done, Nick?”
“Actually, I did. I did,” he repeats and sits on the couch, “they’re going to give me the results in four days.”
“I didn’t know that for tests it requires you to stay fourteen hours in the clinic.”
“Well, they don’t,” he said nonchalantly.
“So, explain to me, Nick, because I still can’t understand… why did you come home at eleven o’clock at night?”
“Do I have a curfew, mom? I didn’t know that,” he laughs to himself and rests his head on the back of the couch.
“Nick, I was about to go to the hospital because I was afraid you had had an accident and that’s your only response?! Why did you go get drunk?!”
“Isn’t that my problem, don’t you think?” He ran his hands over his eyes several times.
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I thought he had stopped being an asshole with me, but I see he hasn’t. He’s still a damn jerk.
“You’re absolutely right, it’s your damn problem. I, who supposedly am your girlfriend and live with you in the apartment, have nothing to do with it. How foolish, do you want me to bring you another beer, honey?”
“You know what? That would be great, babe,” he half laughed. I opened my eyes in surprise and wanted to kick him out of the apartment, but I forgot the little detail that it’s his.
I grabbed a glass of water from the table and threw its contents in his face. He slowly lifted his eyelids and breathed through his nose several times, obviously pissed off.
With a firm step, I went to the room and took a couple of my things. Clothes, shoes, toothbrush, and my homework. I put everything in a backpack. I’ll come back later to get everything else.
“What are you doing?” he staggered around the room until he reached the bed and sat down. Now he got a bit more serious. His gaze went from me to the backpack, several times like that, until he fixed his eyes on me.
” ‘Isn’t that my problem, don’t you think?’ ” I replied to him.
“Samantha…” “Samantha…” Sure, now he’s understanding. Now he’s scared.
“Samantha, what? What do you want? I’m leaving, Nick. I told you one more time. I warned you. You didn’t care. Now is the moment in which came the most awaited moment for you, you lose me.
Now he pays full attention to me. His pupils dilated and I saw him scared. I didn’t want to leave him like that, I didn’t want to leave him. But what am I supposed to do? If I continue with this he will treat me as he pleases and I don’t intend to let anyone do that.
With a weight too heavy on my shoulders, I took the backpack. I walked to my bag and sent a text to Eva. I hope she’s awake.
Nick, very delicately grabbed my wrist, barely touching his fingers with it. “Don’t go, I… I’m sorry.”
“You always say ‘I’m sorry.’ You always regret it. But you do the same thing again, Nick. I told you to show me you love me without hurting me and here we are. You hurting me and me suffering. If that’s love for you, then don’t love me so much.”
“Didn’t we have a perfect time these days? Didn’t I show you that I loved you?”
“Yes, you did, but what’s your condition? One month of love and one week of hate? Is that what you want?”
“I don’t want that, Samantha!”
“Then explain to me what you want! I love you, Nick. And I don’t hurt you. And I try to take care of you. I left my family aside for you.”
“You didn’t leave anything for me!”
“Ah no? Didn’t I?”
“You don’t even tolerate your family. You are here because you need me. I am what makes you feel alive for the first time in your life! Without me, you wouldn’t be happy.”
“Go to hell, Nick.”
I didn’t know what else to answer him. I knew he was right, he is the only thing that makes me happy, but he is also the only thing that hurts me.
I turned to go straight to the door. He obviously didn’t let me go. I manifested a great irritation to that when I need to be alone, he doesn’t let me go. The moment he put his hand on my shoulder, I slapped it, but he didn’t care.
“No, you’re not leaving.”
“Yes, I am leaving. You won’t do anything to stop me. I can and will live without you.”
“Lies, and more lies.”
“Fine! Go try it!” He yelled stepping away from me. “I’ll wait here a few hours for you to come and knock on my door crying saying you can’t do it, understand that you can’t live without me, like I can’t live without you either.”
“Who the hell do you think you are? I lived without you for ten years.”
“Yes, you’re right. But things are different now and you know it.”
“I know it, jerk. I know it.”
I walked out of the apartment, slamming the door. Tears were accumulating in my eyes. No, I’m not going to cry. I don’t want to cry. I shook my head many times trying to forget the familiar void that’s taking place in my chest.
I don’t know how I got to the sidewalk outside the building. But here I am. Wanting to break down once again because of the damn disadvantages of love. Rather, the damn disadvantages of falling in love with Nick.