Sam, I’m sorry. I’m a jerk, I promised myself to stay as far away from you as possible, but I can’t stay away any longer, I’m in a hole I can’t get out of…” The nerve this letter gave me made me want to tear it up, my most coherent part told me to do so before finishing reading it, but I can’t stop reading “I screwed up, big time. I know I told you that I need you and it’s still true although you don’t believe me, I still don’t know how I can be away from you after all this time, I still don’t know how I can hold back the urge to hug you and touch you. Every touch between us sent me to a place I’d never been before, you could say it’s heaven, but I’m sure it’s much better. I was never very demonstrative these years, I wanted everyone to fear me to avoid connecting with anyone, but unexpectedly I did it with you. I didn’t want to feel, I thought feeling made a human being weak, but not feeling is the biggest weakness of all. These things I probably would never tell you in person, not because I didn’t want to, or didn’t take these words seriously. But because I couldn’t tell you all this in the face after all the shit I made you go through, but despite all that, I still hope you forgive me, that you still love me, that right now, the moment you finish reading this letter you want to look for me… But I know you won’t, I know you’ll never come back to me, but is it wrong to keep trying? What else can I do? I’m a desperate man… I’ll go back to university, not tomorrow, not next week but I’ll go back, and I’ll do everything I can to show you that I’m sorry and that I love you. I’ll never be good enough for you, and I know that being step-siblings makes things twice as complicated but I don’t care, eight years ago I didn’t care and I still don’t. Wait for me.
Water droplets fell on the paper. My eyes were burning and I wanted to hit something. I crumpled up the paper and threw it far from me.
I’m so tired of his games to get to me, doesn’t he get tired of messing up my life? Why doesn’t he leave me alone? Why does he have to keep doing this?
Eva, wrapped her arms around me, stroked my hair, and let me cry on her shoulder.
*Today
“Miss Benson, this exam is one of the best I’ve read,” She handed it to me and I got the highest grade. “Congratulations. I’ve also seen your grades in all the classes you’re taking, I’m impressed, Benson. I hope you keep it up.”
“Thank you very much,” I forced a smile at the professor. “May I go?”
“Yes, of course,” She settled into her seat as I picked up my backpack.
When I left the room, Eva was waiting for me by the door to leave the university.
I passed by her and she looked at my essay.
“Wow, how do you do it?”
“Do what?” She took my essay and almost shoved it in my face.
“This, how do you get these grades?”
I took the essay from her hands. “It’s called studying, you should try it sometime.”
“Ha, ha very funny.”
“Plans for today?” I asked Eva. I want to be as far away from Olivia’s house as possible. Nick could be there and I don’t want to see him.
Actually, I do. I want it damn badly, but I shouldn’t. It would be like going back to square one.
“You tell me, didn’t you have plans with Aaron?” She nudged my shoulder and gave me a flirty smile.
“He canceled on me again, family matters… again.”
“Yeah, sure,” she snorted.
“What do you mean by that?”
“He’s hiding something from you.”
“Like what?”
“A hidden wife, could be…”
“You’re reading Jane Eyre, aren’t you?”
“Probably…”
We both laughed. Then we moved on to trivial topics, like what we had for breakfast and a hot guy who winked at her in class.
We got into her car and a thunderclap was heard. I jumped.
“There’s a big storm coming,” Eva said as she pulled out of the parking lot. I looked out the window at the completely gray sky.
She dropped me off at Olivia’s house and said goodbye with a hug.
As soon as I entered the living room I lay down on the couch. Eva left in my head that Aaron was hiding something from me, but I don’t want to think he’s doing it, because I know he’s not that kind of guy.
These months I had a chance to get to know him and he is one of the best people I know. His father is a sheriff in his town, his mother is a housewife. He had a very bad relationship with his father, as he always wanted his son to be like him, but Aaron loved the idea of teaching from a young age. To this day his father and he do not establish contact.
Aaron helped me a lot in getting over Nick. When I was with him, I rarely had Nick in my head, and that was a breath of fresh air for me, because in moments like this, when I’m alone, I can’t stop thinking about him.
It’s Friday so I don’t have classes tomorrow and on Saturday I have plans with Aaron, if he doesn’t cancel on me again.
I was dead tired. Yesterday I went to bed at two in the morning finishing a homework assignment that’s due next week, but the fewer things I have on me, the better.
I closed my eyes for a few seconds, but when I opened them again it was already night and something was covering my body. A thunderclap followed by a flash of lightning could be seen through the white transparent curtains.
I instinctively sat up from the couch and had a blanket covering my body. My shoes were gone and the lights in the house were on.
Olivia must have returned from her trip to Wales.
“Olivia?” I called her name as I approached the kitchen. “Olivia…?”
I saw the back of a man, I knew well who it was. He was tense and turned around to face me.
“Hello.”