Anna.
I was sleeping, imagining an alternate world where everything and everyone were okay, where we didn’t have to confront our past or our shitty actions. A world where my son, Henry, and I were together. Unfortunately, we live in this world, in this time and space… too real for me.
Jeremy began to touch my cheek several times to wake me up, and I did so startled. I couldn’t help but let my eyes search for Henry throughout the room, but I already knew I wouldn’t find him. I made him leave, and even though I know it was the right thing to do, I have the undeniable feeling that my heart is plummeting to the ground, being trampled. I want to cry, but the fact that Jeremy is in front of me and that the door is practically about to fall thanks to the blows they are inflicting on it stops me.
“Anna! Open the door, I know you’re in there!”
My mother. I can’t have a single moment of peace. If she’s not disturbing my relationship with Henry, my mother comes to make my current situation even worse.
“Mom, where is Henry?”
Ignoring my son’s question, I got up and looked through the peephole in the door, assuming my mother wasn’t alone, which was right because she was with Dave. “What does she hope to achieve?”
“Jeremy, sweetheart, I need you to lock yourself in the room, okay? Don’t come, no matter what you hear that scares or worries you, everything will be fine.”
“Mom, but Henry…”
“We’ll talk about him later…”
“I want to know where he is!”
“Jeremy, to your room now. I won’t repeat it.”
And that’s what he did, with a furrowed brow, he went to the room and slammed the door. If he’s like this now, I can’t imagine him in adolescence.
I looked in the mirror, felt empty, in fact, I was. I saw nothing in my eyes, the happiness I could sometimes see wasn’t there. Sadness? Neither. Anger? Nothing. Hope? No. There was nothing; I’m just a person with a mask, pretending I’m fine or maybe pretending I’m not.
The knocks on the door persist, but I don’t know if I want to go towards them, if I can even face someone, I don’t know. I know nothing at this moment; the only certainty I have is that I need silence, peace.
“What the hell do you want?” I closed the door behind me; I wouldn’t allow them to enter. I pushed my mother so that she wouldn’t even touch the threshold; she shouldn’t be near Henry’s house, not near me, nor my children.
She stood there dumbfounded, clearly because I was heading straight for a clash, not even giving her a second to start the trouble. Dave touched my shoulder, and I hit his chest, making him stagger backward.
“You’re crazy,” he says angrily. I nod my head and look back at my mother. Yes, I’m crazy, but he’s even crazier for coming here, expecting to plead for another chance after what happened, after everything. Even if nothing had happened, there wouldn’t be another damn chance. I know who I want, and even though I’m not with him now, I don’t want or need anyone else; if it’s not him, it won’t be anyone.
“Daughter, listen to me…”
“Why so passive? What are you waiting for to explode?” My voice, filled with hatred and repulsion toward these two individuals, couldn’t be hidden. Dave looked at me with a wounded puppy face; what a terrible actor he is, for God’s sake.
“I just want you to understand and see everything you’ve left behind for Henry. He’s your ex-boss, the one who left you alone with a baby. Can you understand that? And without caring, you had a child with him, and this is how it went. You left college, all your dreams. When you found a man who loved you and was willing to give you everything, you left him for the same mistake from the beginning. Can you stop and think about your decisions?”
I laughed heartily when deep down, I was screaming, begging everyone to stop touching my damn nerves.
I want to curse until I run out of breath, everyone. My mother, Dave, Alison, Demetria, Henry, myself; I want to send everything to hell. I’m exhausted from all of this, tired of feeling less, being demeaned, used, played. I’m simply tired of the circle of people around me.
“The man who supposedly loved me, according to you, was in bed with Alison yesterday. So, if that’s your idea of love, it’s your problem. That’s why you have a husband who never sees you and is probably enjoying the company of several younger girls while he’s away on his travels,” I yelled, hoping that people passing by would hear. My mother turned red as a tomato out of embarrassment; she knew I was right, and she wasn’t going to create a scene where the whole neighborhood could hear. “Cat got your tongue? Nothing to say, Mother?”
She just stared at me, displaying a certain hatred toward me-indeed, she always hated everything about me. My brother and I clearly ruined her life, along with my father.
“Anyway, I’m not with Henry anymore. You can stop bothering me about that and let me live in peace with my son. From now on, I don’t want to see you again. Do you understand?”
I turned and opened the front door when Dave grabbed my wrist, making me face him.
“Anna, wait. I need you to understand that I’m a man, and I have needs…” God, God, God. The funniest part of this is when he starts whining. Please, I might be an idiot, but not that much.
“I get it. Now, go fulfill your ‘manly needs’ with someone who wants to suck your disgusting dick. Thanks.” I was about to slam the door in their stupid faces when my mother decided to open her damn mouth again.
“Your brother’s back!” she shouted, and my eyes widened, my mouth suddenly dry, and I began to feel lightheaded.
“What are you saying?”
“He’s at my house, Anna. He wants to see you, and I haven’t mentioned any of your… recent indiscretions.”
I could see her intentions-go to her house, that’s what she wants me to do. Does she think she’ll convince me of something or change my mind? Wow, was I so submissive to her that she got used to me always believing her rhetoric?
“You can’t expect me to go see him at your house. I won’t.”
“He’s going through a terrible time, Anna. And the first thing he did when he saw us was ask about you.”
“Well, here I am. I’ll wait for him with open arms.”
“Please, daughter. Come,” she said, touching me. I don’t see her pleading tone very often, and her eyes show sincere… love? I don’t know. My mother is a web of lies and false words; I don’t know what to believe from her or anyone anymore. I’m confused about what I should believe and what I shouldn’t.
“I won’t go with you, never again, mother. I’ve gone through horrible times with you, trying to make you understand and put yourself in my shoes, but it’s impossible for you. You can’t feel empathy, mother; you never will, you’ll never feel anything. Everything revolves around you, and I can’t do it anymore.”
“For your brother, Anna,” Dave finishes, and I close the door in their faces.
“No,” I tell myself, knowing that’s not my honest answer.
Maybe.