“You didn’t love him,” he says as justification.
“You didn’t know that,” I was going to open my mouth to continue, but he didn’t because he knew he was right. He couldn’t tell me that what he did was okay because it wasn’t. It could never be okay, no matter what he did. I’m tired of so much drama, so many disappointments, so many fights… I don’t want this anymore, I don’t need it. I have another baby, and I can’t continue my life in these conditions.
“Now stay together, I couldn’t care less. I don’t want any of this in my life anymore,” I walked briskly down the hallway with Henry behind me, but Alison followed me to the door.
“I truly am sorry!” she shouted, not leaving the house, obviously, as she was barely covered by a sheet.
“I am too,” I said, genuinely feeling for her.
She ruined our friendship-if it ever mattered to her-and she’s in love with a man who doesn’t deserve anyone’s love. He’s a damn son of a bitch who lied to me all along.
The whole way home was silent. Henry just held my hand, but it didn’t comfort me; nothing did. Everything I knew was wrong… Everything is upside down. At this stage in my life, I should have everything figured out and be happy, but bad things keep happening one after another. I take one step forward and ten back; at this point, I’m off the board. When we arrived, Henry gently took off my coat and made me sit beside him on the sofa.
“I thought Demetria was sleeping with him. How stupid I was,” I put both hands on my face, trying not to scream with the rage I’m containing right now. Henry tried to hug me, but I stood up instantly.
“No,” I said.
“Listen, I’m stupid for not-” He stood up and tried to reach me again. I practically ran to the kitchen, putting as much distance as possible between us.
“Trust me?” he finished for me.
“No, don’t even say it,” I raised my hand with the palm open, signaling him to stop talking. “That word is starting to disgust me coming out of your mouth.”
I carefully considered my next words. I am angry with the world right now, but I know it’s what I should have said a long time ago but never had the courage to. A part of me knows it’s agony to have Henry just around the corner and not be able to touch him, kiss him, or hear him. I don’t really need to, it’s not a damn necessity, but they are whims I can indulge in often and I love them. Henry is my whim. I know we hurt each other, that he hurts me, that I hurt him… but I’m still determined to stay with him, not to abandon him, and to try until there’s nothing left. Because there will be a day when there’s nothing left to fight for, and we’ll get tired of it. We’ll realize that we spent half our lives losing it and we’ll resent each other for making us go through bad times where good ones should have existed.
“I’ve been acting like a child all this time, and I didn’t think things through, not like a rational adult. I never do when you’re around. With you, I felt like that eighteen-year-old girl, but I’m not, and today I realized it. I have a child and responsibilities. Clearly, we don’t live in a fairy tale, and we never will if we continue like this. We’re toxic. We want more from each other, but at the same time, we’re poisoning ourselves.”
“Are we going through this again?” he says, rolling his eyes and downplaying the matter. I understand he knows we’ll always come back, but today I’m willing to set different terms for it.
“I won’t say I won’t come back to you because it’s always a lie, and I’m aware of it. But I can’t ignore that we’re making a mess of our lives.”
He remained silent for a few seconds, his eyebrows gradually lowering into a frown. He knows I’m right, and now, there’s another child coming. We have to change. Unconsciously, I touch my stomach, realizing that at this moment, there’s a baby inside me again. I’m going to be a mom once more…
Henry observes what I’m doing, and despite his disapproval, he sits on the sofa, gazing at me with a concerned expression.
“What do you suggest?” he asks.
“At the moment, I don’t know,” I reply, shrugging my shoulders, hating my words, hating what I’m about to do, and hating who I have to leave behind. “I’ll sort out my affairs, and you’ll handle yours. If we can’t, we need to do what’s best for everyone.”
“Ending it…”
“What I want is not the best for anyone,” he interrupts angrily at the mere mention of that idea.
“What I want? Believe me, that’s not what I want either, but neither is this,” I walk a few steps closer, wanting to comfort him, but I know I must stand firm in this, so I stay still with my feet planted on the ground. “I’ll find a place. Getting some distance will do us good. I’ll work too, and we’ll see what comes out of it. You can see Jeremy, and you’ll see this child, that’s for sure.”
I don’t know with what expression I’m saying this, but it will never resemble how I am on the inside. I try not to show emotions, but I swear my heart is racing, and the knot in my throat is starting to bother me. I want to cry, but I won’t even allow my eyes to get damp. “Stay strong, Anna. Don’t cry.”
Henry looks shattered. When he realized I was serious, he ran his hands over his face and kicked the sofa just enough not to make too much noise. His face was red, teeth clenched, although his eyes were sad. The combination of anger and sadness he had right now was evident-not with me, but with everything we did to reach this point, the things we could have avoided to prevent reaching the point neither of us wanted: separation.
“I can’t go on, not until there are changes here. I love you, Henry, but I’m forgetting that I also need to love myself,” a tear escapes, but I wipe it away immediately.
“You make it seem so easy to walk away from me,” he says in a barely audible voice, keeping both hands on his head, as if he doesn’t know what to do to feel better.
“It’s one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. Not crying or throwing a fit doesn’t mean I’m not feeling like I’m falling apart inside,” I bite my lip so hard to avoid focusing on anything other than the tears about to burst from my eyes. I want to tell him to forget everything I said and just hold me, but that’s how it always was-we forget problems instead of solving them, and today it blew up in our faces.
“I love you, please, Ann,” a tear falls down his cheek and thousands from mine; we are the damned drama in person.
“Those words don’t hold any weight anymore. I need more, Henry. Show me. I’ll change too, I… I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
He nods, his face still contorted, and grabs his coat and wallet. “You stay, I’ll rent a place, and… we’ll see what we do.”
“No, it’s okay, I…” I start saying, not wanting him to leave his home because of my decision. In a second, he’s in front of me, taking my nape to bring me closer to his face. We breathe the same air, and I love what I breathe, I love what touches me, I love him.
“I didn’t ask, Anna. This is something I did, and I will do something to change, I promise you, Ann. I’ll go to a therapist, I don’t know, I just don’t want to lose you again. I can’t lose you, and I can’t lose him,” he touches my stomach with his rough hands, and that’s where I burst into tears. Damn it, I don’t want him to go; I’m about to get on my knees to ask him to stay.
Henry holds my chin and kisses me-a soft, tender kiss. It’s all we needed and could give in this moment so sad. Sweetness reflects in our lips, affection and love; passion is on a very different plane in this kiss. When he pulls away, he gently traces my lips with his thumb, and I close my eyes, savoring the last thing I know I’ll have of him for now.
“It’s funny how just a couple of days ago, we were celebrating our engagement, and now this happens. Our moments never last too long, do they?” My tears never ceased; I know that once he walks out that door, I’ll want to run after him.
“I don’t know what to say, Ann,” he says, barely lifting the corner of his lip, but his brow even more furrowed. He didn’t like seeing me cry; I’ve known that since I met him, since we were children. He couldn’t stand to see me shed a tear; when I did, he would hug me. He has always been my knight in shining armor, always there for me, even when he himself was shattered. It didn’t matter; he just wanted to see me smile. Too bad his mother, his father, and every human who should have cared for him hurt him. That’s why we’re like this now-because he can’t trust anyone, because he reacts in the wrong way in many situations, and because I don’t help in this; I contribute a lot to making it worse. We’re both wrong.
“Don’t say anything,” I simply tell him, and I don’t look when he steps away from me, feeling the door opening.
“I love you, and don’t abandon ‘us,'” he says before leaving, and I sit on the floor to cry in silence.