Henry.
My soul was ripped from my body. I swore I wouldn’t let it go again, but I did. I pushed her away from my side once more. Are we not meant to be together? I thought we were perfect for each other, but I always find a way to mess it up. Why didn’t I trust her? Why did I assume the worst? In the moment I believed she had aborted, my mind was a very hot place. I swear every vein in my body pulsed. All I could think of was yelling at her and demanding an explanation, and when she didn’t give it, rage consumed me.
Now I’m looking for a place to stay. The motel in front of me is the only thing that comes to mind, so I entered the place, asked for a room, took the keys, handed over the money, and went straight to the door with the number 3. The bed was a mess, the walls blackened with dirt, there was only a small table with a lamp, and the bathroom. This place is a rat’s nest.
I pulled off the sheets and lay down on the bare mattress. Being alone, in silence at this moment, is not good; it gives my mind too much room to think. I think… Jeremy, what will Anna tell him about why I left? Will he think I abandoned him again? Will he hate me? Will he miss me? Will he be indifferent? I think… Anna, what is she doing? Is she happy that I’m gone? Relieved? Does she not love me anymore? Will she forgive me? Will we come back this time?
Do I even want to come back? Should I even try? We know how it will end; it always does the same. Us apart. The only difference now is that we’re not the only ones who can get hurt in this; there’s Jeremy and a baby on the way. I don’t want them to suffer because of their parents. I don’t want them to suffer, period.
I rose, and with all the strength in my hand, I smashed the lamp against the wall, plunging the room into complete darkness. For this. This is why Anna wanted me to leave-because of my aggression, my impulsiveness, jealousy, stubbornness. I must change, I need to do it for them.
I don’t know what will be the first thing I do. I don’t know who I’ll ask for help, or if I should even ask. What if I’m beyond repair? Damn, I don’t know if I can face the truth, whatever it may be. I fear not being able to change. Beyond Anna, there are my kids. What will become of them if I remain the same idiot as always? They would have me as an example. I don’t want them to grow up in a place where arguments are constant and the stability of my relationship with Anna is uncertain.
God, that girl just drives me crazy. I love her with all my heart and soul, but sometimes, it feels like she’s tearing my soul apart, hurting me. Honestly, I think I hate her when that happens. My words and actions often lack a filter; my mind heats up, my conscience clouds.
Anna hurts me, but she’s the only one who can calm me and the only one who can heal me. I know she can be hysterical and a bit crazy, but many times, I led her to that state of madness where everything I say or do makes her doubt or fear that I will break her heart again. Maybe she thinks I can deceive her. In the past, I hid so many things from her-memories that are unforgettable. I’m pretty sure she remembers all the good things, but even more, the bad ones. Right now, as I think objectively, there were more bad moments than good ones.
In the past, I made her cry so much, broke her heart so many damn times, played with her feelings so many freaking times.
I regret it so much. If only I had done the impossible to make her happy from the beginning, none of this would be happening. If I had played for my feelings, what I felt, without fear, without resentment, everything would be different. I remember that even though she had doubts, she quickly expressed what she felt for me, said she loved me. I know that at that moment, I didn’t do what I should have; I just got scared and ran away like a coward, not wanting to accept what I had always wanted. She was my damn dream come true. And I shattered her. I broke her completely.
I don’t deserve her forgiveness.
But what will I do if I don’t get it?
I won’t walk away from her side, never. I have Jeremy and my other child on the way; I can’t just leave. So, will I have to see her without me? Will I have to live knowing that she’s so close yet so far away? She might find someone else, and what will I do then? Just let it go? I know that would devastate me.
I know I don’t deserve her.
I know.
But I will do the impossible to make it right.
Anna.
“Here you have me,” I say, looking at my mother next to my ex-fiance. I was at the threshold of my old home with my son nervously holding my hand. He didn’t feel comfortable with the visit; I had to force him to come.
“It’s about time you showed up. We’ve been waiting for you for two hours,” my mother starts. I haven’t even entered, and I already know how this will end-with me telling her to go to hell.
“I can leave if you want.”
“No, stay and come in, Anna,” Dave interrupts, approaching me. “This is your home; it will always be your home.”
“It’s not anymore, Dave, and I didn’t come here for either of you. I did it for my brother. Where is he?”
“He… is inside,” my mother responds, stepping aside so I can enter.
I walk into the house, feeling like I’m in an unfamiliar place. I lived here for over four years, and now it doesn’t feel the same as before. This was my refuge when the outside world was too much for me, but now? It’s just a house.
When I saw a man sitting on the couch, hunched over and staring straight at the floor, I got scared. His appearance was deplorable; he was still very large physically, but the dark circles under his eyes, his skin, everything ruined. There was no trace of the Liam I knew.