Him
She doesn’t say anything the whole way home.
She does let me take her hand though, in the limo, and somewhere along the trip she leans back, her side against my chest, as she stares out the window.
I breathe more than I need to, long deep breaths, taking in her scent, her warmth.
She’s the same but different.
There’s something in her eyes that wasn’t there all those years ago, but I can still hear the Malynda I knew in her laugh, her silly jokes, the way she wears her emotions on her face. How she points at things that make her smile and laugh; and it’s almost always tied to something that ignites her creativity.
I didn’t know what to expect from tonight, I just couldn’t imagine her on her own on her birthday. Why she wasn’t spending it with her boyfriend, Cameron, I don’t know. But I was going to take every chance to show up for her, when he wouldn’t.
She sighs gently and I look down at her.
The lights from the city catch on her eyelashes, framing her face with a soft glow.
Twelve years I waited for this.
But I feel more clueless than ever.
She’s here, but where has she been? What happened? And when can I kiss her again like I did on the roof?
The limo swerves, parks, and she sighs again before sitting up.
“This is me,” she murmurs, as if she’s telling herself.
“I’ll walk you up.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“Relax, I’m just making sure you get to your apartment, okay? I won’t ask to come in. I won’t pretend to need a glass of water. I won’t even smile and I promise to waddle bow legged so you don’t get tempted by my sexy manwalk.” She doesn’t say anything but I can see the corners of her mouth twitching hard, so I go in for the kill. “But hey, if you don’t think you can resist me in all my flannel manliness, I understand. I wouldn’t want to make you do something you’ll regret. You’re right. It’s settled, I’ll stay here.”
“Bastard! Come on, then, sheesh. Stop before you hurt yourself.”
She climbs over me to get to the open limo door, mumbling, and I have to bite my tongue from getting hard at the feel of her body across my lap. Something tells me that she knows exactly what she’s doing, though, and that revenge was in order.
I exhale and follow her out of the car and to her building’s entrance. There’s no doorman so I open the door for her and she brushes past me.
Vanilla. I’m drowning in the scent of vanilla.
“What floor?” I ask, when we get into the elevator.
“Not the penthouse,” she shoots back.
“That doesn’t mean it’s not the top floor.”
“Fifteen,” she says and rolls her eyes. I try not to laugh, she’s being awfully cute in her pretend standoffishness, so I have no reason to make her stop.
The elevator stops.
“Good night!” she says, pushing past me through the opening doors.
“It was a good night,” I say, as I follow her down the hall.
“What are you doing?” she says, her hand pushing against my chest.
“I’m walking you to your door, just like I said.”
“I’m fine, Xavier.”
“Good, I’m going to make sure you’re fine all the way to your door.”
“I don’t remember you being this testosterone-y.”
“I’m hurt. I remember being very testosterone-y around you. How could you forget?” I waggle my eyebrows at her, and she doesn’t look impressed.
She mutters something under her breath that sounds like, “Remembering isn’t the problem.”
We come to a stop outside apartment 1506.
“Xavier,” she starts, and I have a feeling I don’t like what’s coming. “Thank you for tonight.”
Well, that wasn’t too bad,
“But,” she continues, “it’s probably not a good idea we see each other too much.”
I don’t say anything for a moment, to give use both time to think.
“Why?” I finally respond.
“Because, nothing’s going to be able to come of this. And… I don’t want you to be holding on to some hope for a future for us.”
I nod.
I hear her, I do.
And it’s time, she heard me.
I take a step forward and she backs herself against the wall. My hand comes up to rest against it, over her head, my body looming over her. All she can see is me.
“Malynda, tonight was the happiest I’ve been since the last time I saw you, getting on that bus to New York.”
She opens her mouth and I press my finger against it. It’s my time to talk.
“I’ve felt like… I’ve been living in some kind of suspended state, for twelve years. And during that time, all I ever wanted, was to see you one last time. To tell you all the things I never got to tell you when we were together.”
She blinks, slowly, and I know the words are penetrating.
“So, whatever does or doesn’t happen, this isn’t going to change. I love you. Like no man has any business loving another person. Like it’s all that matters to me, and there’s nothing else. So you can tell me not to hope, that’s your prerogative. But it has no meaning to me. Because I live one day at a time. And each of those days, I wake up thinking of you and I fall asleep thinking of you. So until you’re in my arms, and I know that’s where you’ll be for the rest of my life? I’m living my life the same way. Fighting for you. There is no yesterday and no tomorrow. Just today. I’m not chasing the past. I’m not living for the future. Right now, I’m just trying to survive each day without you.”
Him
It took me about two months to completely run out of money when I first arrived in New York to look for Malynda. All the money I’d saved over the summer so that we could have a deposit down on our own place once I followed her, was spent on scouring the streets of Manhattan for any sign of her.
I went to her dance school; all they could tell me was that she had dropped out. I stood in the hallways asking everyone who passed by me if they knew her, had heard anything from her. All people could tell me was that she was there one day and gone the next. She hadn’t made a lot of friends while she’d been there, apparently, and her footprint faded with the first few rains of November.