Damn, I love her.
Sloane is calming. She is the eye of the storm. The true north. Somehow our compasses always bring us back to each other.
When we stop at the first red light in Blisswater Springs, I turn in my seat and ask, “What’s that supposed to mean, Sloane?” It was there. I felt your thighs squeeze as I pulled your hair. I heard you moan when I kissed you. Are we just going to sit here and continue pretending that things are no different between us now?
“They’ve always felt that way to me!” -he explodes, with his arms open and his eyes shining with emotion-. And you had never realized it. But now yes? What am I supposed to do? Jump for joy and thank you for blessing me with your interest?
I turn pale and my hands get wet on the steering wheel. I respond like a madman, trying to explain myself behind what he just said.
“I mean… we all knew you had a crush since you were a little girl. I was a teenager. But you were just a girl. And then you got over it. You had boyfriends and ballet. I had hockey and endless training. We became friends in the city. You compromised.
Her pale pink lips part as if she’s about to say something, but they quickly come back together. He turns toward the windshield, his gaze so fixed it’s almost painful. The seconds drag on and I’m sure he’s not going to answer me. And damn, that’s what I deserve for everything I just said to him.
But just when the light turns green, his sad voice hits me like a punch in the fucking gut.
“I never got over it, Jas.
When I kissed her, I counted to four in my head. I told myself I would give her four seconds, but she took longer.
It was a crazy moment.
Or maybe all the moments in which I have tried to deny what I felt for her have been moments of madness linked together. Single color lights.
Does regret have a color?
“Check again,” Sloane tells the woman behind the front desk of the small resort-style hotel. There has to be something.
Listening to Sloane explain that we need separate rooms seems like its own moment of madness. But I’m going to let him have it.
Because I know Sloane. I know how he processes things.
What he didn’t know is that his childhood love never went away. I should feel bad for not realizing it. I should feel like an idiot. But I feel… relieved.
I see an opportunity. A ray of hope.
“Something with at least two beds?” How about a folding crib? I’m almost the size of a child. -She looks at herself.
I stifle a giggle and look out the window at the parking lot, where it’s still snowing heavily.
-We can ask for a cot to be brought up, of course. The woman at the counter smiles patiently, eyes bouncing between us curiously, as if she doesn’t understand what’s going on.
“That’ll be fine,” Sloane forces, a practiced smile on his face. The mask is perfectly placed. She wears her bun up the way she likes when she’s ready for a performance… or for battle.
That’s what he resorted to in the truck. She would lower her visor and use the mirror to obsessively tie her hair. It was never smooth enough, so he would tear it off and do it again.
He did it five times. I know because I counted them. There wasn’t much else to do once he got used to ignoring me. I also had a hard time taking my eyes off her after the revelation of her crush.
This woman has been my friend for eighteen years.
How could it have happened to me?
Either he was good at hiding it or I wasn’t looking. It was probably a combination of both.
Unruly blonde hair catches the light in the old-fashioned hotel lobby. It almost makes me want to point them out to her to annoy her.
Because when he gets angry, the truth comes out.
“Thank you for your help,” he says to the woman as he turns to me, showing two key cards. The smile on his face has gone from forced to seeming crazy. “Let’s go,” she sings a little too loudly before storming off, clearly expecting me to follow her.
Within a few strides, I’m at his side, staring at the elevator door.
“Fourth floor,” she says rigidly.
-OK.
A king-size bed.
-Alright.
-No. I’ll sleep on a rolling cot. They are going to upload it to me.
“Sunny, that’s not necessary. It’s just a bed. We slept together the other night.
She hoists her bag onto her shoulder and turns her nose up.
“Yeah, well, that was before I got embarrassed and decided I was mad at you. So I’ll stick with the cot.
I refuse to roll my eyes. I’m glad he’s not the doormat he was to that idiot, but I’m not used to him getting mad at me either.
When the elevator rings, I wave past her and let my eyes rest on her ass as she enters. Just a day ago I saw her enter the lake in her underwear, but it seems like weeks ago.
I guess it’s been years.
-Do you know anything about your father? I ask as the doors close.
-No. I mean, well, yeah. He has sent messages. And called. And sent emails. But frankly, I’m not a fan of his tone, so I’m ignoring him too. At least until he asks me how I’m doing or if I’m safe instead of demanding I come back.
-Fair.
I hear the sound of his teeth over the soft music of the elevator.
Now that I think about it, I don’t like men in general anymore. A hand moves up and down in my direction. All of you.
“It’s also fair.”
Now turn to me.
“Why do you have to be so fucking nice, Jasper?”
-Because I’m your friend, Sunny. Nothing will change that. If you need to complain about something, even if that something is me, I will be that person for you.
“What if I go back to Sterling?”
My whole body is paralyzed. Not a fucking chance. I know it’s triggering me. And it’s working.
-No.
“Do you think you can just walk in, tell me that you’re”-his hands form sarcastic quotes as he continues-” interested just a few weeks after I was meant to be married, and that I’m going to take your hand and jump off into the sunset?” After these last two weeks, I must seem very stupid to you, but I’m not that stupid .
The door opens and she runs out of the elevator down the carpeted hallway, irritation emanating from her. Series. He really laughs.
Because of course it does. Only she would laugh at a moment like this.