“Put these on.” She handed me a pair of leggings and a tank top.
It was what I almost always wore to my college classes. I’d do anything to go back to those days. I thought about James in my dorm, asking me to marry him in Vegas. Why did I say no? If I had said yes, he’d still be beside me. This was the wedding I had wanted. He was dying because of me.
“It’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“He’s dying because of me.”
“He’s not going to die.” There was no doubt in her tone. Melissa was strong. She always believed what she believed. And she was usually right.
I needed to be strong right now. I needed to borrow some of her strength. I looked up at her.
“He’s not going to die,” she said again.
I nodded my head. He’s not going to die. He can’t die. I slowly changed into the clothes she had given me. She placed a pair of flip flops on the ground as she folded my dress and put it into the bag she was carrying. I wanted to tell her to throw it out or burn it or cut it into a million pieces. I never wanted to see that dress again. I wanted to pretend that today had never happened. I unstrapped my heels and slipped my feet into the flip flops.
“Good,” Melissa said. “Now you’re dressed so that we can run around and try to find him.”
“What?”
“If no one’s telling us, we’ll go find out ourselves.”
“Melissa?”
She turned toward me.
“Thank you.” I put my arms around her.
“It’s going to be okay.” She rubbed her hand up and down my back.
Her confidence was exactly what I needed. I almost believed that what she was saying was true. I wanted to believe it was true.
“Come with me,” she said and looped her arm through mine. She turned right toward the swinging doors. Someone crying made me turn my head back toward the waiting room. It was my mom. My family and friends were standing in front of a doctor.
My mom was crying. Why was my mom crying? I let go of Melissa’s arm and ran toward them. It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. “Is he okay?” My voice sounded strange and high pitched.
The doctor turned to me. “He’s stable,” she said. “But we had to put him into a medically induced coma.”
“What does that mean?”
“One of the bullets punctured a lung. We were able to repair it. We probably avoided the need for a transplant, but the next few days will tell us for sure. Another of the bullets ruptured his spleen and there was internal bleeding. He’s had a blood transfusion. We’ve removed his spleen without further complications. The third bullet was just a flesh wound on his bicep. It only needed stitches.”
“Is he going to be okay?” None of what she was saying made sense. I didn’t know the severity of any of it. I just needed to know if James was okay.
“We’ve done everything we can. We induced the coma because he was unresponsive.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means he needs to fight.”
I swallowed hard. James was a fighter. He’d always fight to be with me. He’d wake up. He had to. “Can I see him?”
“Immediately family only, two at a time.”
“Okay.” I grabbed Rob’s hand. I needed him with me. I needed him to keep me calm. Because I couldn’t afford to break anymore. If I wanted James to be strong, I needed to be too.
Sunday
It didn’t seem like it was him. Maybe that’s how I was able to keep so calm. James looked pale and lifeless. A tube was down his throat and he had IVs in his arm. More wires disappeared underneath his hospital gown. He didn’t look like James. He didn’t look like my husband anymore.
“What is the tube for?” Rob said quietly.
“To help him breathe,” the doctor said. “We want to put less pressure on his lung while it’s healing.”
“Is he breathing on his own?”
“Yes,” the doctor said. “He’s stable, he’s just unresponsive.”
I didn’t know what any of that meant. But I didn’t have any questions right now. I just needed James to know I was here for him. That’s what he needed from me. To know I was here. To know I was being strong. “Can I hold his hand?”
The doctor nodded. I let go of Rob and slid my hand into James’. It was warm, but lifeless. I was used to him squeezing my hand back. I was used to him rubbing his thumb against my palm. “James,” I whispered. “I’m here. Wake up, baby. Come back to me. Please.” I knelt down and kissed the back of his hand. “Please, James.”
“If you’d like the next two people to come in, I can go get them,” the doctor said.
They couldn’t make me leave him. I’d never leave him. “I’m staying,” I said.
Rob put his hand on my shoulder. “Do you want me to send Jen in?”
I shook my head. “Please stay. He’d want you to stay.” Don’t leave me too.
“Okay.” Rob grabbed a chair and pulled it toward me. I kept hold of James’ hand as I got off my knees. I was vaguely aware of Rob pulling a chair up to the other side of James and grabbing his other hand.
And we both sat there, holding James’ hands. We didn’t say anything else. There was nothing to say. James knew we were here. That was enough.
***
I woke up with my stomach in knots. I was going to be sick. I put my hand over my mouth and ran toward the bathroom. I had just opened the lid of the toilet when I threw up everything I had eaten last night. Fuck. I grabbed my stomach as I hurled some more.
“Penny?” Rob said and tapped on the bathroom door. “Penny, are you okay?”
Of course I’m okay. I’m not the one sitting in a hospital bed with three gunshot wounds. Tears stung my eyes again. “I’m fine.” Be strong.