I glanced at Rob in the waiting room. His elbows were on his knees and both his hands were in his hair. When he was distraught he looked even more like James.
I just felt numb. What if I never got to see James upset again? What if I never got to see him happy again? I pulled away from Bee’s hug. Nothing would console me right now. I needed to see him. I just needed to see him.
Mason was now arguing with the same woman that Rob had been.
“You encouraged her!” Rob yelled.
I looked back over at the waiting room. Rob had just shoved his father in the chest. “This is on you. James is dying because of you!” He shoved his dad again.
A security guard started toward them.
“Rob!” I ran over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. “Please calm down. You can’t get sent to prison tonight. I need you here. Please, I need you. Please.”
He shook his head and wiped under his eyes with the back of his hand. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to the other side of the waiting room, away from his parents. “It’s their fault,” he said and collapsed in a chair. “They fed her delusional mind. Why aren’t you angry?”
“Because I don’t have room for that right now. Because I’m upset and scared and…” my voice cracked. “Because I’m trying so hard to be hopeful.”
He was the only one that understood. He was the only one that loved James as much as I did. “I’m sorry.” He pulled my head onto his shoulder and let me cry again. He kept his arm wrapped protectively around me.
I tried to block out the sounds of Jen yelling at the reception desk. Apparently they were taking turns. I closed my eyes tightly. I pictured James saying his vows. I pictured James proposing. I pictured him running into me at the coffee shop. And it all just made my chest hurt even more. It all just made the possibility of losing him that much more painful.
“Pen.” I opened my eyes and saw my dad kneeling in front of me. He was handing me his handkerchief. “Melissa brought you a change of clothes. How about you go change into something more comfortable.” He put his hand on my knee.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to change. I wanted to make love to James in our hotel room because it was our wedding night. I reluctantly grabbed his handkerchief.
“He’s in surgery,” Jen said and sat down next to me.
That wasn’t much of an update. I had assumed that when time started to pass. “Does that mean he’s breathing?”
Jen grabbed my hand. “They wouldn’t have put him into surgery if he didn’t have a pulse. It’s a good sign.”
I nodded. James was breathing again. That was definitely a good sign. His heart was beating. He was alive.
“Sweetie,” my dad said and patted my knee again. “Your mom and I are here. Just let us know what you need.”
James. I need James. “Thanks, Dad.” In that moment I wanted to be a kid again. I wanted to go back in time. I wanted someone to fix everything for me. Because the thought had started to settle on me that all of this was my fault. Isabella hated me. If James was single, this wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t flirted with him in class, he wouldn’t have fallen for me. He wouldn’t be in a hospital bed dying.
Stop. I closed my eyes again. He can’t die. He can’t leave me.
***
Hours passed. Saturday turned into Sunday. A doctor came out and I again lifted my head in expectation, but he went to another family. I swallowed hard. I was losing my mind. I needed to know if he was okay.
All I could hear was the ticking of a clock on the wall. Seconds passing. James could be taking his last breath, and I wasn’t there with him. I needed to be with him. We couldn’t end like this.
I ducked out of Rob’s arm. Like most of the people in the waiting room, he had fallen asleep. But sleep wasn’t going to come for me. Not until I knew. I walked up to the front desk. “Do you have any updates?”
She typed something into her computer. “He’s still in surgery.”
“Is that a good thing?
She shook her head like she didn’t know.
“You must know. You work here.”
“I’m just a nurse. I’ve never even worked in the E. R. portion of the hospital until tonight.”
It was her first night. I thought about everyone screaming at her. But at that moment, I didn’t care. She was the only person standing in my way of knowing where James was and how he was doing. But I didn’t have any fight in me. All I felt was this sense of doom. Of loss. I couldn’t shake the feeling. I couldn’t stop hearing the clock ticking.
“Please.” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes again.
“As soon as I know, I’ll tell you. I’m sorry.”
“Can’t you get someone to go check? Can’t you take me to go see him?”
“Once he’s out of surgery.”
“But what if that’s too late?” My voice cracked. What if that’s too late?
“I’m sorry.”
“Penny,” Melissa said and touched my shoulder.
I hadn’t known that anyone else was still awake. “Let’s go get you cleaned up, okay? You’ll feel better when you change into something more comfortable.”
Feel better? Nothing would make me feel better except rewinding time. What if our first kiss as husband and wife was one of our last kisses? What if our first dance was one of our last?
“Come with me.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the restroom.
I didn’t want to change. James was supposed to take off my wedding dress. We were supposed to be sharing one of the best nights of our lives. Keep breathing, James. Please keep breathing.
I stared at my reflection in the restroom mirror. No wonder everyone kept asking me to change. I looked like I was a bride from a horror movie. Blood was splattered on my dress and chest. It had seeped into the bottom of my dress when I had tried to apply pressure to James’ wounds. It was on my hands and arms. I was a reflection of everything bad that had happened tonight. A walking memory. I couldn’t bear to look at myself.
I pulled down the straps of my dress and reached behind me to unzip it. My fingers were trembling and I couldn’t undo it. “Get it off me.”
Melissa’s hands replaced mine.
Tears streamed down my cheeks and I turned away from the mirror. “Get it off!” I croaked. As soon as it was unzipped I pushed the straps down my arms and let it pool around my ankles. I bent over the sink and began scrubbing the blood from my skin. Get it off.
“Penny, stop.” Melissa said from behind me.
I continued to wash my hands.
“Penny, stop, you’re hurting yourself.” She turned off the water.
I looked down at my arms. My skin was red from where I had been scrubbing it.