I meant nothing to James, but he meant something to me. Hell, he meant everything to me. I had a sickening feeling that the past few years would be the best years of my life. Anything going forward would be tainted by that. It wasn’t all a lie to me, it was real. I loved him. And this hurt so much because I still loved him.
I looked down at the text I had gotten from Rob an hour ago. “You forgot your ring.”
I had written back telling him to give it back to James. It wasn’t really mine. If I kept it, it would just remind me of everything I had lost. I didn’t need that reminder. My solitude would be reminder enough. The ache in my chest would be reminder enough. Falling asleep and waking up alone… it was all enough.
I stared at the text from Rob that I hadn’t responded to yet. “Don’t leave like this. It’ll kill him. You know it’ll kill him. I’m begging you, Penny. Please come back. I’ll drive you back home. You two will work it out, I know you will. He needs you.”
There wasn’t anything to say back. Rob was wrong. This was James’ decision. I was just doing what he wanted. If James reached out to me, I’d talk to him. But that wasn’t the case. I hadn’t heard from him since he kicked me out. He was done with me and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. James would be fine. His friends and family would support him. He had a strong foundation. He was going to be okay. James had never really needed me. I was the one that needed him.
The word “home” made me feel even worse. My parents’ house was no longer my home. Newark was no longer my home. And now New York was no longer my home. Home to me was wherever James was. It had been ever since we met. Now I had nowhere to go. I had to start over. Sure, I could go to my parents’ house and find the key under the potted plant and let myself in. I could wallow away in my childhood bedroom, remembering. But I refused to hurt my parents. I refused to hurt my friends, what I had left of them. And I refused to just give up on life just because one person told me I was worthless. I wasn’t worthless. I just lost myself. Which meant I could find myself again.
I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. The problem was that I didn’t want to find myself. Not without him. I wanted to believe in what we had, even if it was all a charade to him. Because it wasn’t to me. It was real. All of it. I grabbed my purse, pulled out the notebook that I had been carrying around for weeks, and stared at the vows I had been working on. The words blurred in front of me as I started to cry harder. I didn’t ever want to forget him. I wanted to remember every little thing. The way my skin tingled when he brushed his fingertips against me. The way I immediately smiled when his eyes met mine across a room. If I could somehow put those feelings into words, maybe I’d have something to hold on to. Something that would make it feel like I wasn’t drowning.
I shoved the notebook back into my purse. I couldn’t capture him on paper. I couldn’t verbalize the way he made me feel. I put my hand on the center of my chest. No one had ever told me that when your heart breaks it actually hurts. It felt like my chest was caving in. I took a deep, shaky breath.
“God, Penny, I’m so sorry.”
I looked up at Tyler rushing toward me. My eyes immediately landed on the bruise along the left side of his jawbone. The scruff on his chin didn’t hide it nearly as well as he probably hoped. I quickly wiped away the rest of my tears. “What the hell happened to your face?”
“It’s nothing.” He immediately put his arms around me. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay. Let me see your face.”
But he kept his arms wrapped firmly around me. He ran his hand up and down my back. “I’m fine. God, you’re soaked. Let me…”
“You’re not fine.” I pushed on the middle of his chest until he let me back up a fraction of an inch. He didn’t need to say anything. I knew. It was written all over his face. I lightly touched the side of his jaw with my fingertips. “James did that, didn’t he?”
“There may have been an altercation late last night.”
I closed my eyes. “Tyler, I’m so, so sorry.” Mason was with James. Apparently none of his friends were good at keeping him out of trouble. It also meant Ian had probably driven him there when I specifically told him not to take James anywhere. But Ian didn’t have to listen to me. I was never his boss.
“There’s nothing to apologize about.” Tyler put his hand on the back of my head and pressed my face to his chest.
There was something so comforting about being in Tyler’s arms. Despite his move to New York and all his success, he still smelled the same. Like freshly cut grass and mint. I wasn’t even sure how that was possible. There was barely any grass in New York and he wasn’t a landscaper. I wrapped my arms around his back. It was selfish, but I needed this right now. I needed my friend. I could tell Tyler wanted to talk, but I wrapped my arms tighter around him. I just needed a few more seconds.
Tyler kissed the top of my head and ran his fingers through my hair. “It’s going to be okay, Penny.”
No. It’s not. I shook my head against his chest and let my arms drop from his back.
He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back so he could look at my face. There was so much hope in his blue eyes. And it killed me.
“How much do you know about what happened?” I asked.
“Everything I need to know.”
“Which is?”
“That you and James broke up. And that he thinks I convinced you to run away with me.” He searched my face.
So Rob really hadn’t talked to James. Neither had his parents. He didn’t know. Or maybe he didn’t believe them either.
“So now I’m here to actually convince you to run away with me.” He lightly touched the bottom of my chin so that I’d look into his eyes.
A part of me wanted to say yes. I wanted to feel the comfort of his arms around me. And see that smile that always made me smile too. The only problem was that I didn’t love Tyler. It wouldn’t be fair to him or… fuck, Melissa.