“I’m still in love with him,” I said.
Tyler shook his head. “You broke up. You left him and New York. You’re standing in the rain crying because of him. And I’m here for you. We can go wherever you want. We can start a new life together.”
“I’m still in love with him,” I said again, a little quieter.
He let go of my shoulders. “Okay, but that feeling will fade. You have to move forward.”
I shook my head.
“What, so you’re going to go through your whole life missing him?”
“What else am I supposed to do, Tyler? He was it for me. There is nothing after him. I was ready to give my whole life to him. That feeling doesn’t just disappear after a fight.”
“Be with me. I’m right here. I’ve always been here for you. I’d never do anything to hurt you. Let me fill that void.”
“I can’t.”
“Why? I know you love me. We’re great together. I know you felt it back in school. I know you can feel it again.”
“I could never hurt Melissa like that.”
“We already broke up.”
“What?”
“I broke up with her before I came here.”
“Why did you do that? You only just started dating.” God, she’s going to hate me.
“I thought you were getting married. I was at peace with that. Or in denial or something. These past few years haven’t been a lie, I was your friend. I enjoyed being your friend.” He scratched the back of his neck with his hand. “But when I found out you two broke up, all I wanted to do was see you. I think I had buried my feelings. I don’t know. But I just knew I needed to see you. I never stopped loving you, Penny. And I’ll never stop loving you.”
I shook my head back and forth.
“I didn’t want this to happen. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy. I thought that James was that for you, so I just accepted where I was. But when I found out it was over… it feels like my second chance. Our second chance.”
“I’m sorry. But it’s like you just said. Except, I never stopped loving him. And I’ll never stop loving him.”
“I can wait. I’m used to waiting. I’ll wait my whole life for you, Penny. Don’t you see that?” He put his hand on the side of my face.
“Tyler, I don’t want you to wait.”
“Don’t say that. I know you need time to heal from this. I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
“I’ll never be ready.”
He shook his head. “I love you. Tell me to stay. Choose me. Penny, please give us a chance. I need you. Meet me halfway here.”
“You don’t need me. You need some sweet girl who will put you first. Who thinks the sun rises and sets with you. You deserve that. I can’t give you that.”
“I’ll take whatever you can give me.”
“All I can offer you is friendship. Honestly, Tyler, you’re my best friend. You’ve always been there for me…”
“I can’t be your friend anymore.” He let his hand fall from my cheek. “I thought I could be. But now? No. I need more than that. I can’t live my whole life in denial.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shoved his hands into his pockets. “So… Chicago?”
I nodded. “My new flight leaves tonight. I think maybe I need to do a little soul searching.”
“And you know for sure that what you’re looking for isn’t me?” He gave me a sheepish smile that ripped my heart in half. “How are you so sure?”
I pressed my lips together. There was something else that I hadn’t told him. But I didn’t want to. It wasn’t fair. It was just in my head.
“Tell me.”
I shook my head.
He grabbed my hand. “Tell me. If it’s something I can fix…”
“No.” I swallowed hard. “Seeing you reminds me that it’s my fault that James broke up with me. Because I insisted on being your friend. I made this happen.”
“It hurts you to see me?”
I closed my eyes and nodded.
He dropped my hand. “I’d do anything for you. You know that right?”
I wiped away the tears that had started to fall down my cheeks again.
“Penny, look at me.”
I slowly opened my eyes. The hurt on his face was palpable.
“Everything in my gut is telling me to stay and fight for you. But if you want me to leave, I’ll leave. Is that what you want?”
“I’m sorry.”
His Adam’s apple rose and fell. “I can’t be your friend anymore.”
“I know.”
He nodded his head. “I guess this is goodbye then?”
“Where are you going to go?” I thought about his apartment in New York. Melissa was probably waiting there, seething. Hating both of us.
“I think maybe I need a fresh start too,” he said. “Somewhere… sunnier.”
I nodded. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
“I already found what I was looking for,” Tyler said with sigh. “Now… now I’m running away because it hurts too fucking much.”
“Tyler…”
“Go back to New York, Penny. Don’t spend your whole life missing him. It’s exhausting to deny yourself what you want, to spend your whole life dreaming about what you’re missing.”
The fact that he was talking about me made my chest hurt even more.
“I really hope that you two work it out,” he said.
“Thanks, Tyler.” I took a step toward him to hug him goodbye, but he immediately took a step back.
“Bye, Penny.” He turned around and walked away from me. I watched him climb back into his car. I lifted my hand to wave goodbye, but he didn’t look back as he pulled away from the curb and out of my life.
Friday
My Uber was going to arrive any minute to take me to the airport. The car was going to come to the coffee shop. Up until this point I had avoided it. I had walked all around campus, remembering, savoring the happy and sad memories, the joy and the pain. I was filled up with fleeting images of James. It was time to go. I couldn’t stay here living like this.