He grins, like he’s used to this idiocy over happy news. “Well, we’ve looked at your test results from this morning, and it looks like everything’s recovering as it should. Now, I know you still have a problem with your amnesia, but there’s nothing we can do but monitor that. Otherwise, your skull fracture is all healed, your neck seems to be fine. You can go home.”
All of the last few minutes is forgotten and Paige and I turn to each other and scream.
“YESSSSSSSSS!”
“FUCK YAYYYYYYYY”
The doctor grimaces and covers his ears and waits for us to calm down.
“Yes, well. Um, I’m glad you’re happy. I’ll come back tomorrow and we’ll talk about what needs to be done when you go, but I’d say by Friday, you can get on out of here.”
My whole body feels light, a weight lifted. “Oh my god, doctor, thank you!” I gush.
Paige runs over to him and gives him a big hug. He just stands there like a totem pole, but doesn’t look too unhappy. He gives me a nod and a smile before he leaves.
“Oh, Noemie ! You can go home!” Paige squeals.
I look at her, disbelievingly. “I know! I can’t believe it!”
“I’m going to get everything ready, okay? Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll going to clean your room, shoo away the spiders, organize a huge party, maybe see if your Mom can come up!” It’s the second time someone paced happily in my room that day, reeling off things on their fingertips.
“Hey, Paige,” I call out to her, but she doesn’t hear me.
I grab a cushion and launch it at her head. She barely notices it bouncing off her cheek but she does turn around.
“Thank you,” I say. And she grins.
“Paige and Noemie, together again!” she sings, doing a silly dance.
“Hey, shut up for a minute. Listen to me.” She sits down and I take her hand in mine this time. “Thank you, for everything.” She squirms a little, like the gratitude is uncomfortable for her. But I need her to know. “Thank you. I… I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you. There’s no way I could’ve afforded all this. I’d be in some hospital, not knowing who or where I was. And God knows how long the insurance would’ve held out. I’m probably alive because of you.”
“Hey. I’m probably alive because of you.”
“Well, that we know is true.”
We grin at each other until our faces get sore, and go back to dancing around the room.
JEZ
I’m back in the backseat of the car again.
This time Anca isn’t there.
Slowly I can just make out the silhouette of the driver and the passenger in the front seat.
I’m in the car with Mom and Dad again.
On the same road.
“Mom! DAD!” I yell out.
And they laugh and turn around, looking at me.
They look exactly the same as they did the last time. So young, so beautiful, so happy, so much love in their eyes.
“Hey, Jezzy! Want to go get some ice cream?”
“Of course, he does, when has he ever said no to ice-cream?” Dad says to her and she laughs, patting him on the arm.
She turns again to the back seat, smiling at me, while Dad quickly looks at Mom, his eyes filled with adoration for his beautiful wife.
I’m looking forward.
And I’m the only one who sees it.
“DAD!!! WATCH OUT!” I yell, but it’s too late.
Everything flashes bright as the headlights of a car coming right toward us blinds me.
The last thing I see is Mom’s smile turning into a look of intense horror and fear and Dad’s head hitting the steering wheel.
And then my whole body crumples onto itself, and then it’s over.
Everything is black.
Except it’s not.
I’m awake.
And everything is bright again.
White.
White walls, white bed linens, white plastic cup on the tray in front of me.
I open my eyes and everyone is there.
“Where are Mom and Dad?” is the first thing I say.
And they say nothing.
Because there’s nothing to say.
“Where are they?” I yell.
And again, they say nothing.
What do you say when you’re the only one to survive?
***
I wake up. My T-shirt is dark from sweat. The bed sheet kicked off and the pillow pushed onto the ground. But the memory of my nightmare is still fresh in my mind. I brush my hand over my face and it’s wet. From sweat, I tell myself, but I know it’s from tears.
It wasn’t a nightmare. It’s reality.
My parents were in a car accident. I was in a car accident of sorts.
How come I’m the only one to survive?
I lean over and try to reach for the pillow. My arms protest a little with stiffness, but I ignore it, trying to grip it with my hand. My wrists and fingers refuse to move, so I pull them back.
And think of her. Breathe deep, and think of her.
Make a fist, I hear her urge me. You can do it, Jez.
And my fingers move.
I reach over again, and my fingers grab the pillow. I push it under my head and close my eyes.
Willing that the thoughts are done torturing me for the night.
Only to be replaced by others.
Of her.
Belonging to somebody else.
NOEMIE
There’s no note for me, Robbie tells me, even though I don’t ask. He can see it in my eyes, I guess. No note to explain what happened earlier this morning. No note with a song title. No note, to tell me that he’s thinking of me like I’m thinking of him.
And it is him that I’m mostly thinking of, when I should be thinking of Chris. Chris, who tells me we’re together.
Who tells me things he shouldn’t know about me, and that I should know things about him.
Who I have no recollection of, besides those few times he came onto me and I couldn’t get away.
Who definitely elicits no feelings in me.
No, it’s all Jez. Jez is the one I want. Jez is the one I want to want me.
There’s a quiet tick, and I know the clock has just struck midnight.
My second to last midnight here.
This time two days from now, I’ll be back in my own bed, this place behind me. Maybe Jez behind me as well.