I pick up my ukulele. My door is unguarded, since Mike left around 8 p. m., telling me there shouldn’t be any more trouble since they’ve got plenty of people outside and someone outside of Jez’s door in case I need anything.
I walk to the family activity room, barely glancing at Jez’s closed door, trying to push him out of my mind. I sit in the dark for a few minutes, enjoying the solitude that it brings. No light to interfere with my thoughts. And I sit and count my breaths.
It’s not going to be like this for much longer. Life will soon return to being hectic.
Living with Paige is the very definition of hectic.
But it is real. The last few months have been anything but normal. Quiet and restful and meditative and somewhat surreal. But definitely not normal. And it’s time to go back to my life. Whatever it was. And whatever it will be.
I quickly tune my ukulele and prepare to play.
Whatever my life was before, at least now it will include music again.
I tinker with a melody dancing around in my brain. It’s simple, but emotional, dark and full of longing. Words start appearing and I sing along in my head. Songwriting has never happened so easily for me.
But I guess I have a lot to say, and there’s a very special way it wants to be heard.
I strum the chorus again, humming along this time. But the words, the words stay in my head. Ready to come out only when it’s time.
I play the entire song again, embedding it in my mind. The last chord is played, and I lean back. Satisfied. I have a name for the song too.
And it’s perfect.
It’s much later now, I can tell from the position of the moon in the sky. One more night, I tell myself. I have one more night.
I get up and tuck the ukulele under my arm, and step outside into the hall.
I bump up against a hard chest, and look up into dark, green eyes.
“Jez!” I gasp, purely out of surprise.
“Sorry,” he says. “I… I didn’t know you were coming out.” His back is to the light and I can’t properly see his face.
“Were you waiting for me?”
He doesn’t say anything. Just keeps staring at me.
“Why didn’t you come in?” I ask him again.
“Did you want me to?” His voice is low, husky, restrained. He’s trying to hold back on saying something. I wish he would just say it. I think I want to hear it.
“Why else would I be here?” I say, giving him the answer even before it has occurred to me. Of course, that’s why I was here. Waiting for him. Waiting for him to tell me he has come for me.
He exhales hard and spins around, his back to me. Before I can stop him, he pulls his hand back and then thumps against the wall. I grimace, just as he hisses with pain, pulling his hand against his chest.
“Oh, Jez!” My body hurts for him as I reach out to touch his back. “Are you okay?”
He jumps as my touch, like I’ve burned him and he growls, “No! I’m not fucking okay! Fuck!”
He spins back around and grabs my shoulders, pulling me against him.
“Forgive me, god, please forgive me,” he whispers and he leans in, his breath, hot and sweet against my face.
He’s going to kiss me. He’s finally going to kiss me.
I hold my breath and close my eyes.
And this time, all I can see is Chris’s face. My eyes snap open and I press hard on his chest, pushing him away.
‘I can’t… I… I have a boyfriend,” I say, even though the words have no meaning to me.
Jez squeezes his eyes shut and pulls away, leaning his head against the wall.
“I know. That’s why I needed you to forgive me. I wanted to kiss you anyway.”
JEZ
She said it. She said the words, and I can’t ignore them now. She’s taken. She can’t be mine. All this dreaming and hoping, has come to nothing.
I can’t have her and I’ll have to live with it.
It’s a good thing I’m leaving. Because I don’t think I could handle having her two doors down, and knowing that I can’t do anything about it.
“Jez, I’m sorry,” she says, her hand against my arm.
I turn to her and she takes a step back, pulling her hand away.
She looks at me, her eyes filled with longing. I know she wants me. Boyfriend or not, she wants me just as much as I want her. Crave her. Desire her. Burn for her.
To hell with it.
I grab her by the forearm, ignoring the pain in my hand and pull her to me. Her eyes widen, and flood with heat. See? She wants me. Me.
I know she does. Her body tells me, her eyes tell me. Her music tells me.
She plays for me and only me. I take a step forward, pressing myself against her and almost every part of our bodies is touching.
Her legs against mine. Her stomach against mine. Her chest against mine. I let go of her arm and slide my hand up around her back.
“Forgive me.” I say again. “I’ll regret this for the rest of my life if I don’t do it.”
And I kiss her.
I press my lips against her so hard her teeth grazes against my mouth and the sting of my lip thrills me. I feel her arms reach up behind me and grip the fabric of my T-shirt as she melts into the kiss.
God, I want her so much, it’s like a sweet cyanide running through my body. Delicious and dangerous. Deadly. My tongue slips into her mouth and she tastes like wild berries. Her tongue soft and warm against mine.
“God, Noemie,” I hear myself moan her name and she sigh against my mouth before our lips find each other’s again and we kiss.
We kiss so long my lungs are empty and I pull apart only in the pure need for breath.
Our mouth disengage, but our bodies are still pressed against each other’s, fusing into one.
“Jez,” she whispers, her hand coming up to touch my face.
Her lips are plump, almost bruised from my kiss and I run my thumb along them.
“Sweet Noemie,” I say. And I want to say so much more, but I can’t.
She looks at me, her chest rising and falling as she gasps for breath. She looks like everything I’ve ever wanted and didn’t know I needed. And she’s here with me. Everything is perfect.
I pull away, lean over and press a soft kiss to her lips and whisper what I came here to say.
“Goodbye, Noemie. Take care.”
And I turn and walk to my room.
Never turning back.
Never looking back.